Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heartbroken and in Severe Depression…

anxiety

Assalamualaikum brothers & sisters,

I was brought up by an over protective conservative family in London. I had to follow strict rules. Islam wasn't taught properly rather the focus was on Pakistani culture. I had an elder brother who has bullied me for most of my life. The fear of him made me literally shake. What he said went in our household. He had power. He was aggressive,loud,sometimes violent, unreasonable, paranoid , slightly mentally unstable and had anger management issues. He was also a gangster in our city and again that gave him a lot of power.

I met this guy when I turned 18 in college (around 2009). He was 3-4 years older. We started off as friends and instantly hit it off. After a few months of close friendship we got into a relationship. It wasn't long before we fell in love & committed zina.

I was with my boyfriend for years secretly. We would spend term time together. The holidays were spent communicating over apps & texting because I wasn't allowed out the house. It was difficult but we were crazy for each other. He made me feel like I was on cloud 9. The only time I felt truly happy & like myself was when I was with him. He treated me like a queen. I would have died for him & left my whole family for him (which I know is wrong).

After 4 years together I graduated from Uni becoming a dentist. We knew we were doomed but I kept hoping for a miracle. We knew my family would never accept our relationship & we feared my brother would kill us. (In hindsight he could have approached my mother or sister atleast about marriage prospects if he was too scared of my brother.)

We spent the next year after my graduation just communicating via apps like whatsapp etc...

However, things started to change. I started to become very ill. The stress & depression of my situation had somehow affected me physically.

I would get really sick with high temperature. So much so that I would become unconscious & end up in hospital. The heartache was too much for me. This carried on forever. As a result of poor health my career and finance also suffered. On the plus side my illness had brought out the softer side of my brother...giving us the perfect chance to bring up marriage to him.

A further year on (know him for 6 years at this point)...the guy would barely text me. He reassured me over & over he was still committed to me but was just busy with his family & that his phone didn't work. I believed him. Until one day I went on his FB and found pictures of him kissing a filthy girl and messages exchanged. Only then did he admit he had been cheating on me for months and months. The girl was Caucasian, non-Muslim, slutty & even had a child from someone else prior to him (out of wedlock). His excuse was that since he couldn't meet me he felt he "went off the rails." He said he drank a few times as he had lost faith in Islam. Also that he liked the attention he got from her.

At this point my world fell apart. I fell ill again. Had a severe breakdown & confessed everything to my mother & sister. I pleaded with them to help me. Help me Marry him. That I couldn't live without him.

However, the guy said he doesn't want to fight my brother and risk his family getting hurt in the process etc. I tried to reassure him that it would be fine as my brother has calmed down since I became ill & would hopefully be more understanding than before. He left me even though he was the one that betrayed me. He left me to die and never looked back. He said it wasn't worth it.

I was completely & utterly destroyed. A year on since then (end of 2015 ) I'm still sending him messages begging him to change. But he doesn't even reply. I've repented for all my sins. I pray and read Quran. I read tasbee and names of allah all day in my head. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I beg Allah to help me through this pain. To take him out of my heart. I watch Islamic lectures on YouTube. I pray to Allah constantly. I try to keep myself busy, Eat healthy and exercise. But nothing I do takes me out of depression. I'm in a dark place. I know he turned out to be horrible but I still miss him. I'm terrified about the future & having to marry someone else.

My family are looking for a partner & want me married ASAP.

Can you truly be in love again? Can you forget someone who you thought was your soul mate? How do you get over such a deep heartbreak? I've lost the will to live. I felt such a strong connection to him that words can't even describe. Now he's gone & happy without me.

I can't help but ask Qs like:
Why did I meet him? Why is he happy & I'm not? Why has he moved on and I haven't? I ask Allah to forgive me for my sins even though I am still in love with that guy. Will I still be forgiven?

My faith in humanity is destroyed. I can't help it. I don't feel like trusting anyone again. I don't know what else to do now.

Words cannot describe the pain I have endured. The shame I have went through. I feel completely alone. I'm doing the best I can to stay a strong Muslim. However, some nights I feel I have no connection with God. The depression has consumed me. I know it's haram & I wouldn't actually do it...but the thought of suicide crossed my mind many times.

He has finally replied back & messaged me. Only to say to leave him alone. To stop messaging him about how hard my life is etc. He said he prays for me everyday so that I find this easier.

He's made it clear that he is not interested. I know I sound like I have no self-respect...but I don't know why...I still feel I love him?!

Please Muslim brothers & sisters...I know I have sinned but I need advice. How do I let go?

Amy

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25 Responses »

  1. May Allah make it easy on you sister. I will pray you get better.

  2. Assalamualaikum sister...
    The one thing which i can assure u is Allah has decided something better for u in future. That guy doesn't deserve ur love n u deserve a partner who loves u unconditionally. So stop worrying coz u hv ur entire life to live and mashallah u r well educated so repent to Allah n divert your mind towards good things n find a good job. Don't feel that u r alone coz Allah s always wit u no matter what. If u keep urself busy in ur daily activities then Inshallah u ll get over ur ex very soon....n don't stop loving your self coz u r very special n no one cab replace u...I wish u hv a great and prosporous life ahead...ameen...remember me in your dua

  3. wa-'alaikum as-salaam wa-rahmatullah dear sister in Islam,

    Firstly, congratulation and mashAllah for returning back to Allah, the only one who remains with us and cares for us unconditionally until the aakhira.

    I don't need to remind you of the massive and disgusting sin of zina and the consequences without the protection of marriage, and it's so sad that's it's common place even among my dear sisters in Islam. And it's usually the same story - it almost always ends in hurt for one or the other, depending who is the soft and clean-hearted of the two. So Allah opens the door to jannah for the one with the softer and cleaner and kinder heart, and it should be obvious that it's you dear sister.
    But with the door of jannah comes struggles and pain and sometimes depression. This is one of the ways either Allah tests us or wishes to clean us of our sin and to purify us, especially when we truly and deeply repent and ask for forgiveness. And thus you'll find in the stories of All the Prophets (upon them be peace) that they were the ones who were tested the most harsh, so much so that even some of them cried out...
    "When will the help of Allah arrive?!"
    (surah baqarah)

    But Allah reminds us, His help is near, if only we have patience.
    And thus... innAllaha ma as-sabireen! (Indeed, Allah is with those who are patient!)
    If you've read the Qur'aan, you'll constantly find this theme with the Prophets of God, that whenever Allah chose to test them, He (Allah) found them to be patient.

    It may seem sometimes that Allah doesn't listen to our duaa's, but subhanAllah, nothing is further from truth, so long as you lead a halal and clean life and the earnings of a person are halal (not from bank / riba / insurance / alcohol / gambling / etc) - i.e. there are a few etiquettes of duaa we need to be aware of.

    And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.
    [Qur'aan 2:186]

    Also when you make duaa, start by praising Allah (like surah fatiha), then make duaa for our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam, and then ask for your forgiveness and for the best of the aakhira, then in the middle praise our Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam again, and continue to ask Allah al-wadood ul-wahhaab (with his beautiful names) that which you want, and don't forget to ask Allah to protect your other muslim sisters and to help all the muslim ummah. And finish your duaa with making duaa for our Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wassallam) and praise Allah in the end.

    "wa lillahil asmaa ul-husna, fad 'uhoo beha"
    (To Allah belongs the Most Beautiful Names, so call on Allah with those names (i.e. make duaa with HIs names)).
    [Qur'aan 7:180]

    Our dear mother, 'Aisha radhiAllahu 'anha told us that our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam told us to make duaa constantly to Allah, even for something so little as when our shoe lace breaks!
    (Allah loves those who turn to Him often and Allah loves those who are grateful and remain patient in adversity).

    And so dear sister, the next thing you need to do is be strong and cut your contact with his filthy man (May Allah as-sami' ud-duaa purify him and guide him on the straight path, ameen!);
    remain friends with your family and meet other Muslimahs in massaajid or at work, and keep making duaa for patience - "rabbi zidni sabr" (Oh my Lord, increase me in patience).
    Anytime you feel the need to contact him, put your phone down and make a quick duaa to Allah al-musta'aan for help and patience, and if the urge is too strong, then get up, take a walk, phone one of your sisters or friends, whatever it takes.
    And inshAllah eventually, with enough patience, this urge will eventually pass - but I have to also warn you, it can take a long time. For a divorcee like me who was married to a hard-hearted, uncaring, ungrateful woman, it took about 2 years! And subhanAllah, there are still some days where I suffer!
    I chased around my ex for a year, until I realise that my chasing only made her more hard-hearted and made her stronger and more easily able to forget me.

    But khair...
    Allah tests us all with either a punishment, or inshAllah with a test to help us to wash our sins and learn a lesson to pass onto others.

    By the way, you mentioned that you confessed everything to your respected mother, if so, why is she putting pressure on you to get married? It takes time for a broken heart to heel before we can move on.

    fi-amanAllah,
    and may Allah al-muhaimin ur-rahmaan protect our dear sisters in Islam from the disgrace of zina, adultery and rape, and bless us with softer hearts filled with the true love of Allah and our beloved Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam, ameen ya-rabb!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

    • Thank you for the advice. I will definitely try take it on board. I will better my technique for dua. If I'm being honest I've never mentioned the prophet (pbuh) in my duas. So thank you again for that excellent advice.

  4. Dear Amy,

    You need to wipe off your tears. Delete this guy's number from your phone. Delete him from your life. Yes memories you may not be able to delete but with time you will definitely feel better if you start to live a life of your own!

    Get ready and start eating well again and actively look for job. Sub han Allah you are a dentist.

    Your respected family knows about your situation and when they see the NEW positive you it will bring happiness to their faces.

    Make your family number 1 priority. Start doing things with your family. Sit with them. Listen to them. Have conversation with them. Go out with them. Do many things with your family. Even if your family is the type with no activity on day to day basis still be around them. And Alhmadulillah your brother has become better individual so you both could work on your brother and sister bonding.

    Tell your respected family to not to look for anyone for you for about a year. And even if they do they should not mention it you after a year is gone. Use this one year and spend quality time with your family, friends and career. Move on my dearest sis, move on.

    Trust me it will get BETTER for your. One of my good friend went through your situation (similar). She was totally heart broken! She had no hope! She just did not wanted live life. But, after many conversation and listening to her, she finally took my advice. And now Alhmadulillah she is married. She is happily married. Alhmadulillah she is blessed with an amazing husband. Alhmadulillah she is blessed with a beautiful daughter. All this happened to her because started to takecare of herself! And you should do the same too.

    About a month ago I asked her out of interest if she remembers her ex. She said to me, all that with her ex was complete wildness. It was a big lesson she learned from it, and she totally has no emotional attachment to her ex. She feels far special with her husband. She feels like with her husband all the missing puzzles in a jigsaw puzzle are coming together. As with her ex everything was a friction. She feels great in her marriage life.

    Therefore, Amy sis, you need to get up and dust yourself off. Work on yourself and with time everything will become better and brighter.

    Continue to become better Muslim, spend quality time with your respected family, get together with your friends, take part in good community or charitable causes, work on your career and when a good brother comes along in Shaa Allah marry him and start to have beautiful family of your own with him, insha'Allah. And what you have learned and accumulate from your life experiences could be good investment advice to your future off-springs in Shaa Allah, so they make better decisions in their life.

    I pray that you start to take care yourself and may Allah swt make it easy for you, ameen xx

    - Me

  5. Salaam Sister,

    Allah knows the attitude of men. That's why Allah has ordered us to marry a woman if we like her, so that we are committed to her for whole life and don't use women as temporary enjoyment. Unfortunately we Muslims get deviated by the western culture regarding dating and end up getting heart broken.

    But Alhamdulillah ALLAH has guided you and brought you back to HIM. So thank Allah everyday for that.

    No Muslims can be a true Muslim unless He/She loves Allah and His Messenger (Peace be upon Him) more than anything in this whole world. So what you have to do right now is increase your love for Allah and His Messenger (Peace be upon Him) and you feel more content and at peace with your life. If you love other people in this world and expect to give you love and peace you will surely be disappointed and heartbroken.

    Thank Allah that He saved you from getting married to your ex. He is a horrible person and he used you for enjoyment and now once he had his enjoyment he moved on to another girl for enjoyment. You would definitely not want to marry this kind of guy and neither want to be a part of his life.

    Pray to Allah to help you forget that guy and to guide you on the right path. Forget about your ex and cut off all contact with him, Inshallah Allah will help you to forget him.

    If you think your ex has moved on and is enjoying his life then you are mistaken. He is doing haram and all haram enjoyment are temporary. If he doesn't repent from his sins he has to bear the consequences of his haram actions. If you compare to him then you are in a better situation than him because Allah has guided you and not him. You will find true happiness and peace with Allah and not him. So instead of feeling depressed thinking that he is happy and moved on, feel sorry for him because he will suffer the consequences for doing haram (if he doesn't repent).

    Read lots of Quran and Inshallah you will find lots of blessings and peace in it.

    May Allah grant you peace and happiness.

    • Thank you for advising me. I appreciate everyone's comments. I hope Allah (swt) rewards you all for trying to help a stranger such as myself .

  6. Salaam Sister, I can feel you because last 3 years I was happen same like you. Sister Allah will give you better then him. Believe in me. My boyfriend broken my heart million time. I had been heart 3 years. My boyfriend parent didn't want me and also my boyfriend didn't want me too. I want him so much. I feel like I'll die with out him. My life is almost die last 3 years.

  7. Assalamu alaykum sister,
    Please stay away from the guy in your life. He is not honest and truthful. Also he is not a true muslim. We dont know his complete lifestyles and behaviours. You just started to realize his bad nature. Allah only knows how much he is bad. He might have zina with some others. Allah only knows that. If you marry this guy as you said that you want to marry him because of unconditional love, definitely you will suffer a lot in future. Because this guy will never change his characters and he does not deserve you. This is the answer for your life from Allah. Allah is helping you from the evil x. Please stay away from him. Delete his numbers. Delete all his old messages. Delete social networking contact details. Dont go back to see the past. If some one is died, that is because of fate. We could not able to see the died one again. This is not possible. Like this Allah decided to delete the past to give you a better half who deserves you the most. So always pray and read quran. This will protect you from the evil shaitan. Please also concentrate on your carrier. Look after your health. Eat well, sleep well, clean up you as how much you cleaned up you before and dress up you as before. If you start to think about the x, then immediately get away from that place and play with kids if not, talk with some one in your house. May Allah help you always. Remember me and my kids in your dua. Salam.

    • Thank you for your advice. You are completely right. I am re-reading everyones message for motivation and reassurance.
      May Allah (swt) make it easier for all of us to deal with our problems.
      Ameen.

      • I hope your doing much better now
        Just want to say your better off without him I remember when I was in a situation like yours I just didn't want to live I made my own life so miserable I thought I would never love another man in my life but how wrong was I it's just the devil takein you back to your haraam relationship. My lovely sister in Islam no man is worth your tears don't shed one more tear for him he does not care for you please move on In shaa Aallah you will marry and you will love again. I got married I was scared to get married but Alhamdulilah 4 years now n got 2 kids Ma shaa Aallah . I will pray for you hope to hear from you soon

        • Thank you for your message. It's so good to hear you've moved on. Gives me hope that there may be a chance for me too. At the moment I haven't moved on. Unfortunately still crying myself to sleep. I really hope inshallah this nightmare will end soon 🙁

  8. Hey I don't know if you're gonna see this since its been months since this post. I really hope you're in a better place inshallah. I sooooo feel your pain wallahi. I'm from Canada and I was with this guy from London. We started off as friends and had plans to marry each other this coming summer since I would be done with uni. After being together for a year and 3 months away from our set wedding which both families knew about, he left and abandoned me. No clourse, no answers, nothing. I tried for 3 weeks to get him to answer my questions but nothing worked. He was my soul mate too and idk how I'll manage to ever get over such hurt wallahi. Esp when he has 4 sisters and a mom and is 27 but yet chooses to act in such a way. I'll keep you in my Duas inshallah and hopefully you get all the happiness you deserve inshallah. I'll never understand how some people could be sooooo cruel man

    • Did you spend time with him in person?

      • No we were set to meet 3 weeks after all of this happened since I was in the process of finishing my final exams. He was suppose to come visit me during my winter break but since he's the oldest of 10 siblings, he's mom really needed his help since it was xmas break for everyone. But just because we haven't met doesn't mean he was cheating on me or I never knew what he was getting up to. We were extremely close and I always knew what he was doing since we commucaited literally every min during the day whether it was whatsapp, phones calls, snapchat or him showing me what he was doing. This is just such a shock because I didn't see it coming. Both sides of the families knew. His mom and all of his siblings loved me too

        • Hi sorry for late reply. I only just seen your comments now. Thank you so much for your message. It's such a weird but pleasant feeling when a stranger understands your pain. I'm in a slightly better place now. His memories still haunt me but with time things will get better. Inshallah
          I know this is not what u want to hear. But u are lucky sister u never spent time with him in person. I'm sure u had a deep bond but imagine how much worse u would have felt if you had any physical relations too. I hope Allah helps us in our difficult journey. I hope we find peace. Thank u for including me in ur duas & I will include u too.
          Thanks Amy xx

          • Salam Amy and Ameera (special Salam and HI to you)

            I know what you are going through because even though I am a guy I went thru same situation but the fact was I let her go because I loved her and I could not marry her as my family would not agree. I knew the consequences that if we did get married, in the long run it will be difficult as we were from different religion. We were together for good 8-9yrs. I still want to talk to her because I always felt she brought me up high, she showed me what I am actually capable of. Now, she is married and happy but once in a while I e-mail her to pray for me and she does not reply, which I understand why.

            After 2yrs of letting her go, I finally got married to beautiful muslima from India. Just second day after our marriage, I went with her to Umrah so I can repent on my sins and start new life with the blessing of Allah(swt). However, after 22 days with her, I never felt respected by her and she never find me good enough for her (i think so, she never fell in love with me). So, I had to go back to India from Canada in just 3 months, so I went and we got divorce.

            So, now I look back and realize that the problem was me, I was looking for my ex gf in her and that ruin my marriage. And trust me I feel so guilty and worst person ever. I want to go back to my ex wife and tell her to come back but she hates me. I want to rectify this marriage as I had lots of dreams with her.

            Anyway the point is, what you are going thru is the punishment from Allah (swt), Allah(swt) is testing you now because now you are even closer to him than ever. So, Allah(swt) will test you more and more everyday to see if you will still be loyal to Allah(swt) in difficult situation. I still have depression because I lost my soul mate that Allah(swt) gave me, but it was a punishment for me from Allah(Swt) as I did not gave proper rights to my wife.

            Now, When you going to sleep make sure to recite,

            1. Surah Al-Fatiha, Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falaq, An-Nas, Ayat Al-Kursi and send blessing to Muhammad (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) “Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammadin wa aali Muhammad (O Allah, send blessings upon Muhammad and the family of Muhammad).” and recite sleeping dua.

            When you wake up, recite, Dua to wake up and recite same as number 1

            After every namaz
            Recite as 1 and make dua for forgiveness and ask Allah (swt) to grant you a righteous partner. Make sure do not make the same mistake as I did, do not compare him with your ex in your mind, do not let the satan whisper in your ears. Whenever you think of your ex Read this A'uzu billahi min ash shaitani r rajimi Bismi 'llahi 'r-rahmani 'r-rahim (I seek protection from God against the Devil). There is always good in everyone, we just need to look at them closely.

            As for Ameera, don't you think that Allah(swt) might have saved you from something that was not meant for you? I know its hard but look at straight forward rather than backward, as camel always keep their head high in search for water they never look down because they know sooner or later they will see water upfront.

            Every one please make dua for my wife to return to me as it was a marriage, not a girl friend, it was the righteous marriage with a pure intention.

            Allah Hafiz

  9. Assalamu' Alaikum,

    My name is Mina and I just need to get this out. I'm suffering from depression and a lot of loneliness. I currently go for dual enrollment in college, but there is no msa or any Muslim group I can hang out with. My parents are abusive (physically and emotionally) towards me, so it doesn't help. I've just been feeling really down since 6th grade and it hasn't gone away. It's not that I'm ungrateful (I hope I'm not inshaAllah)- I try to maintain the five daily prayers and try to read Quran when I can. But lately it seems like nothing is going right anymore. My parents fight, then take that anger on me, my grades are slipping even though I really, really try my best. I don't have contact with my former friends and it seems like they don't care anymore. I've just felt this way because my mom -for years, actually- has criticized my appearance and everything I've done or said. I'm trying to love my parents because they honestly brought me up when I was younger, but I have few "happy memories" from them, and its hard to not think something is always going to go wrong. I do dua, but Ive neglected it out of pure laziness and depression. I cry for no reason and have nervous breakdowns frequently. My mom thinks depression is taboo and my dad does not want to face the fact that one of his children is suffering really badly. I hate everything about me and I feel so lonely. I cry every night and I'm so tired of feeling this way. I don't know what to do. Life seems so hard. I have suicidal thoughts but I won't do it because it's haraam. But I can''t help but feel this way. I feel really hopeless and sad all the time.

    • Assalamualaikum sister,

      I am so sorry to hear of your depression state. We all have to remember that Allah is testing us in this condition. In fact, this calamity should be treated in a positive way. In other words, what I am trying to say is when u have a calamity upon u, u start to feel as if the entire world is coming to an end. Believe me sister I am currently going through the same issue that u are going through. I have been undergoing this depression issue for five to six months. Days went by and I kept on crying and crying and crying. I had suicidal thoughts, had a lot of health issues like anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I was so depressed that I did not drink water for two days. I did very bad in my class, the first fail I have ever received in my life. When I went back home, my symptoms got even worse. No one decided to help me with my problems, only very few people showed empathy. I just felt so bad that I left my city and came all the way back to my campus just to escape emotions, as well as all the yelling done by my relatives on me. Couple people called me names like liar, or weakling. Currently I can tell u that I feel a bit better than before but still I am in depression. But to start off building my patience, I listened to a lot of islamic lectures and also did dhikr. Research the benefits of istighfar and la illaha illallah. Moreover try connecting urself to Allah and make this ur top priority. Read and understand the Quran, and also recite surah al fatiha 100 times, do istighfar, recite ayatul kursi, and also recite surah iklas. I would definitely DEFINITELY read surah yasin, listen to surah yasin, and understand surah yasin at all times. This surah is valuable. Make ur heart gloe my dear sister. I am still struggling through depression as well. But I have faith that we will both make it in the end inshaallah. Allah is testing us because he loves us. And also.my dear sister, having sabr is extremely important during these types of calamity. U will see the reward on the Day of Judgement. Once people see the reward for sabr during times of calamity, they would've wished they suffered even more. Remember our final destination is Jannat. Eyes on the prize. In the meantime, I'd recommend u listening to MuslimCentral podcast, or lectures from Qalam Institute. Subscribe to these podcasts and earn as much knowledge u can. Another beautiful thing sister. The story of propher Musa peace be upon him, where he was afraid at first all the time, but over time to time he became stronger when his dependancy was on Allah. Hasbiyallahu wani mal wakeel. May Allah shower His blessings and mercy on us all, and may He give patience through times of calamity. Ameen. If u ever want to talk or chit chat on Skype or Messenger let me know. I am also going through depression as well. We can both learn a lot from each other inshallah.

      Saad

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