Husband is acting suspiciously and I dont trust him
Suspicious thoughts can become chronic and difficult to reason with.
Assalamu alaikum warahmathulla wabarakathuhu i wrote to this web site couple of months ago ("My husband is having an affair with his married cousin") regarding my suspicions about my husband having an affair with his cousin who is married.
jazakalla khair for all the advise and support you'll give those who are desperately need it may allah bless all off you'll with the best in both worlds.
once againe i have to ask your advise regarding my suspicions. the thing is i wrote to your web site telling everything is OK after he came back from haj he is changed the thing is he is still loving as always and helpful towards me but still i cant help checking his call log cause he never admitted about what went on and still on the call logs there are calls between him and his cousin now they are calls in the land line numbers not the mobile were one can trace it .
when i confronted him about it he was so mad at me and said that i am spying on him and he said that he was talking to that woman's husband and the thing is after each call he deletes the call but it falls to the call log so he asked me how i know that he called and the times he called and the other detail off the calls the explanation he gave for those calls were that he didn't take them that a jin n is doing all those wanting to create trouble between us not wanting us to be happy and he told me to fear allah for thinking off such a big slanderous against him.
My husband is a good father for our kids the kids love him i just want to be a good mother to them and a good wife to him but this suspicious thought is killing me even though i told him i wont touch his phone still i keep checking and her number keeps coming when ever he goes out off the house or when i am not at home its becoming a major problem for me i told my husband that i like to talk a about my problem to one off my trusted alimaa friend and he told me not to and to turn to allah with my problem only allah can solve it.
He said that he made so much off duaa in haj regarding this issue i feel so depress and i feel such a burden to every one i love and care about please make duaa for me i know i have to thank allah all the blessing he has given me the thing is i cant help feeling like a total loser when i think about my problem i feel like am going to split in to two there is aside off me thats ever so suspicious and angry with my husband and aside that when he is with me makes me feel like a heel.
please please make duaa for a sinner like me please dont let me know through my email that you'll have sent reply i don't want to hurt my husband more than what i have already its just i want to put things right i will log on to this web site when ever i can
jazakallh khair for all your help
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best thing to do is talk to him about it he seems loving enough but the jinn thing seems a bit suspciious too
I would suggest you ask him to change his number
be firm tell him if you see her number in there again you won't accept it and that he's hurting you and eventually he will push you away for good
tell him no more lies or secret phone calls
make du'a to allah s.w.t he changes his ways and insha'allah youll be guided to the best solution of your worries
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah sister
Seek refuge in Allah from Shaytaan the acursed, who is ever trying to divide families. Trust you husband, give him the benefit of the doubt just as you would to him. Even if he was talking to his cousin's husband (very possible) you won't believe him. No matter what he does..you won't believe him. So I guess if he's telling the truth it's a lie and he's lying its a lie...... don't look for what you WANT to hear to make yourself feel better. Because really you're only looking for problems. Unless he's acting foolish and mistreating you, you need to start fearing Allah and not being suspicious of your husband. Respect him, and do no spy on him. Just as you would want the same done for you. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
dear Sister
My advice to you for now would be to let it go. Just for a while tell yourself nothing is going on and try and live as normal life as possible with your husband and kids- don't always try and be alert or aware of 'things' that may not be really happening. Do this temporarily and see how it goes, don't check up on your husband, don't ask him about this kind of stuff, don't accuse him of anything- if he is being good to you then return this with goodness. Pray to Allah to help you out of this predicament.
And when you have acquired some sort of normality within your marriage and you feel stronger then assess your marriage- is there anything lacking? Are you and your husband close? Do you do things togehter as freinds?
Try and be proactive, make it easy for yourself and the rest of your family.
Also rest assured that if your behaviour chnages and your husband notcies these changes you too will see a chnage in him and in the way he deals with you. and IF he is having an affair it will become apparent. Dirty secrets like this never remain hidden. In such a case you will need to deal with it with maturity- speak to his cousin rather than only confront your husband- don't suffer in silence.
For now pray hard to Allah to help you, spend time doing things with freinds and family to take your mind of this.
Good luck.
Salaams
Sister, I do think that there is a reason to be suspicious here. He is well aware that you do not like the idea of him contacting his cousin, why is he still doing it? and would he delete it if he isn't hiding anything? If I were in this situation, I would react just the same way.
Sister to ease your pain and clear all doubts, I would suggest you contact your husbands cousin. This is the only way in which you would find out if all that he is saying is the truth.
You could be wrong. Your husband could be perfectly innocent as well. You need to be reassured of this.
The basics for a healthy relationship is communication, trust and respect. Everyone has a right to privacy, but things hidden does have a way of coming out.
Rumaysa
SubhanAllah. I am amazed at some of the advice offered here. Sister Humaira, it is painfully obvious that your husband is having an affair with his married cousin. Whether he is committing outright zinaa with her I do not know. I hope not. But at the least he is carrying on some kind of love affair with her. He was lying to you before he went to Hajj, and he's still lying. He must think you're an idiot to accept an excuse like, "A jinn made the phone calls." So first he said he was talking to his cousin's husband, then he says a jinn made the calls?
He has taken one step after another to conceal this from you. But he is still cheating, no doubt about it.
You have to stop being timid about this. You are not the one at fault. Your suspicions are grounded in reality. I strongly suggest that you confront your husband and tell him that it has to stop, period, right now, otherwise you are leaving.
I also agree with Rumaysa, though instead of contacting your husband's married cousin - who will lie and deny just like your husband - you should contact her husband. Let him know what's going on. Tell him about the call logs, and ask him if it's true that your husband calls him all these times. If not then you know for sure.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with brother Wael entirely.
Sister, I highly suggest you do as brother Wael has stated. It is very obvious that your husband is lying and trying to make you feel guilty for suspecting him. There are way too many red flags here (some brother Wael has mentioned) and the other being that he stopped calling from the cell phone and switched to the land line so you wouldn't find out and when you did he asked in shock how you found out? If he was really talking to the husband why would he need to behave so suspiciously? And the jinn justification he gave you was a sure give away that he's lying.
-Helping Sister
Assalamualaikum
In my humble opinion dont fight it with full force because you dont want to ruin your family. dont speak to your husband or his cousin. Speak to his cousins husband and tell him whats going on. Tell him to keep the matter in secret and handle his wife. They can change number or whatever they wanna do, they need to distance themselves from your husband.
There must be some in the family who is a just person. Tell that person and let someone else deal with your situation. When the other family will have problems, then this person can have a word with your husband and to back off from the other family...
InshAllah everything will work out for you...take care
assalamu alaikum warahmathula wabarakathuhu jazakalla khair for all your kind advises.like sister rumaysa advised i did confront the cousin off his and she at first cut the calls when i spoke to her and when i called her againe she told her children keeps handling the phone when my husband was on haj i was using his phone not one sms or calls from her phone anyway after he he came back the calls started and when i told her about it she flatly denied it anyway allah knows best after confronting her in my husbands phone log there was several calls and sms between them and know my husband has changed the phone and there is no call log on that once you delete the number so i have no way off knowing if he is contacting that women i am fed up with all whats happening and just going on with my life making duaa for allah to make things easy for me my husband is treating me ok so i guess i have to thank allah for that please make duaa for me to handle things to make allah happy make duaa for me to be a good muslim and good wife and mother to my kids so times i get so depress please make duaa for a sinner like me jazakalla khair for not contacting my email once againe am making duaa that allah bless youll with the best in both world
Sister Humaira
Did you try contacting the cousins husband as bother Wael mentioned? He should be made aware of what is going on. In this way you would know for certain. Your husband may become hostile to you for doing this but let him know that you just needed to clear your doubts and you having a difficult time trusting him. Sister I know this is easier said than done but you should question the cousins husband about the phone calls. He would certainly not protect his wife if she is wrong.
Sister don't suffer in silence. All my duas are with you
Rumaysa
salams
jazakalla khair for your kind concern and advise sister i can't contact the husband as you suggested cause i observe full purdah and dont talk to non mahram men so it would be a bigger problem.like sister hafsa said i guess i have to let it go and be patient make duaa that allah remove this suspicious thought out off my head but its very tough i wish ther was an easy salutation for my problem i guess life in this world is not easy for a muslim allah will keep testing us
Then have your father or brother contact him. Don't just make excuses and say, "I guess life is not easy." Take responsibility for your life and your marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salams my father and brother no one knows whats going on i dont want to burden my father with my problem he is a widower and still grieving and he has lots off other problem i dont want to add and become a burden even to my brother jazakallah khair for your support make duaa. i love my husband make duaa that to get rid off these horrible thought and for me to be a good wife and mom and for me to get over this depression that i have at times may almighty allah reward every one off you'll for your kind advise that you;l give for desperate people like me its great when people care about others and taking time to advice them like i said before may allah bless all of you'll with the best in both world.
As salamu alaykum, Sister Humaira,
Your salat, consciously and on time will be the best for you, insha´Allah. This prayers may help you, too, insha´Allah.
Before going to sleep,
1) Al-Fatihah
2) Last three chapters of the Qur’an (i.e., Surahs 112, 113, 114) three times each one.
3) Ayat al-Kursi (i.e., Al-Baqarah: 255)
Besides the above, repeat the following duas on a regular basis both in the morning and evening three times or more:
1) Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim
(In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).
2) Hasbiya Allahu la ilaha illa huwa `alayhi tawakkaltu wahuwa rabbu al-`arshi al-`azhim
(Allah suffices me; there is no god but He; in Him I place my sole trust; He is the Lord of the mighty Throne).
3) Allaahumma ini a`duhu bika min hamazati ash-shayatin wa a`udhu bika rabbi an yahdurun
(O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the whisperings of Satan; my Lord, I seek refuge in You from their presence around me).
4) A`udhu bi `izzati Allahi wa qudratihi mimma ajidu wa uhadhiru
(I seek refuge in Allah’s glory and power from the affliction and pain I experience and suffer from).
Take care, my beloved Sister. I am sure you will notice the changes in you soon, insha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) guide your steps for whatever is the best for you, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salams jazakallah khair for all your help and advise i know the best salutation to my problem is saying these duaas and getting more closer to allah .jazakallah khair for being so kind to a stranger like me and taking the time to help me out dear sister maria may allah bless you best in both world for helping a sister in need i pray that others also benefit from your advise.
salams sister maria please i would like to delete my question out off this as i dont know how to get about it i tried to move it to trash it would not move since your are one off the editor please will it be possible for you to help in this matter i dont want my husband to find out jazakallah khair for all your help still am in trouble and making lots and lots off duaa. may allah bless you with the best in both worlds
I worry that you are so afraid of knowing the truth that you are instead choosing to live with the misery and suffering of suspecting (essentially knowing) but "not knowing" (having no hard evidence). I hope you will find a way to confirm whether the phone calls were made to the husband or the wife.
salams sister i feel so depress knowing that he is hiding things from me i know got the news that the cousin is going through a rough time with her marriage and i know for sure that he has been talking to her till late in the night way past mid night even once i heard him talk i now it was her he spoke and after he talks he delets the calls and sms he gets .i hate being suspicious like this i feel its effecting my health at this moment my husband and i had an argument its not about the affair something totaly stupid i did he is a way at the moment will be gone at least a month he keeps calling and we had an argument i told him a lie about going to my parents house he got to know that i told alie asked me that to lie to him like that is he as bad as his cousins husband .i know that she keeps contacting her .i apologies for the lie sending so many sms i didnt get any answers i guess am a total failure to him thats why maybe he is turning to her.i just dont know what to do but i keep cheerful front for my kids i dont want to upset them in any way .please make duaa for looser like me.
As salamu alaykum sister Humaira,
Your call sounds strong and my answer will be as strong as your call.
Stop this kind of behaviour from now on. Stop it, please and move on.
Don´t get out of the straight way, be honest and straight, you are the example your children are looking at, be straight and keep your back firm as a soldier, you are the general of your home then act like that, I don´t want to listen from you never again that attitude of being a poor woman, you are not, Alhamdulillah.
Live what you want to live, accept the circumstances you have if you don´t want to change them and be your best. Then I don´t have enough with a fake smile, I want you to smile from Heart and get out of all that world of ghosts and misery, all of you deserve the best you can be, Alhamdulillah.
Enjoy being in your bones and in your flesh and be grateful for all the blessings you have, who is going to care of your children if you get sick? A mother don´t have the option, you don´t have the option, Allah(swt) has given you one of the most difficult tasks of this world to be a mother and to take care of your children, then forget and forgive and shine as the strong woman you are, nobody has the right to disminish you and, less of all, yourself. Honour your Life as the blessing it is and your Health as the blessing it is, your children and everything around as the blessing they are and focus on Allah(swt) sister with all your Heart, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamu alaikkum sister jazakallakhair for your responding so soon i really needed that.i was feeling so depress i was blind to the blessing that almighty allah has bless me it shows that am such a ungrateful servant to him.please make duaa for i have sinned after logging out i am going to pray asking forgiveness.writing to you i feel a bit better nowing someone out there cares whats goes on allah bless you sister i have to be strong like you say and inshala i will try my best and also i miss my husband a lot he will be able to come home 2 months time so i have to be strong as i am a lone with the kids and i dont have any outside help allah has made it easy i have lot to be thankful as you kindly pointed out i think most the depression is i dont get a proper sleep at night i am up with my lil one most the nights i know that for that also there is reward.jazakallakhair once again sister for guiding me.may allah bless you with the best in both worlds.
You should rest when the baby is resting and you have the others in the school, take care of yourself, you are the Light of the house and where your children look at when they open their eyes, May Allah(swt) ease your way, insha´Allah.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor