Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I forgive my husband for cheating on Facebook?

salam alikoum,

I have been married for a very short period of time (less than 6 months).  Recently, my husband and I got into a fight over something very trivial.  I have had suspicions about his activity on facebook because he would stay up very late every night, while I was sleeping. I finally decided to log into his account and I saw a few messages to different woman, which confirmed my uneasiness.  One message was proposing that they get together, and the other message was flirting back and forth.  I confronted him about the messages, and he said that he  did that because he was mad at me (due to the trivial dispute), and that he was not actually planning on seeing any of these women in real life.  

I explained to him that regardless of whether it was real life or virtual, that to me, it was still cheating.  He doesn't think that he actually cheated because he had no intentions of ever meeting these women.  He recognized his error and that he hurt me, and he apologized to me, and I told him I need some time to think things over.  Should I consider these messages on FB cheating?  I know it is not good in our religion to hold grudges, and I want to pardon him, but I don't know how.   I pray to Allah that He will open my heart and we can surpass this, but I still have so many doubts in my heart, especially with only being married for such a short amount of time.  How can I rebuild my trust for him?

barakallahu fikoum for your responses

-somaya13

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Answer given by María M:

Forgiveness is a big issue, I understand why is so difficult for you not to trust yet, you have done the right thing talking to him and looking for Allah(swt) help and guidance, Alhamdulillah. Sister go to Allah(swt) once and again to look for His help, you will get it with His help insha´Allah.

You may open new ways of sharing and communicating between both  of you, build up bonds of intimacy and confidence,  this will be little by little, men are very sensitive to us, even when they don´t show it, he will be waiting for the way you look, the way you touch or let him touch you, the way you talk the tone of your voice and even your smell, he may feel your way of being  just for the way you say hello, we think they don´t care, they do care, and your husband won´t be any different.

Give a chance to your husband and build up your marriage, you are just beginning and you have to adapt to each other, to learn from each other, if he loves you truly, he won´t make suffer you again with this insha´Allah.

Related to fight issues, think twice before fighting, do wudu, look for refuge on Allah(swt) and defend your points always from a respectful and calm way, if you do this and he gets annoyed, he will be surprised by your attitude, with time, he will ask you how do you do it and you will guide him, then you both will help each other to accomplish the task of being the best  for the other one, maybe one day will be easier for you and other one for him, balance and mutual help, insha´Allah.

I would like to share with you this post, it has some interesting thoughts, I hope you like them

http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/coincidence-or-connection/

You can read too inspirational posts that you can find on IslamicSunrays.com. For example this one:

http://islamicsunrays.com/when-you-forgive-you-live/

Keep striving my beloved sister, insha´Allah, you will get it.

All my Unconditional Respect,

María

IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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18 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who found out that her husband too is on Facebook talking to women, flirting and not only made arrangements with his ex-wife to go out to lunch via Facebook, but then followed through on it! When his wife confronted him, he got angry and twisted everything around and made her feel guilty because he felt she went behind his back looking at his Facebook account. To that I say...too bad. Maybe if he wasn't creeping around on Facebook like some single guy talking to women, there wouldn't have been a problem.

    I simply don't understand people today and their need to have a Facebook account! Why would you want to put all your business out there for all to see? My friend is humiliated about now because she says people can see her husband talking to all these random women thus making her look like a fool. People do not realize just how much information they put out there. Some put pictures up that they took with their Iphone or similar phones not realizing that there is software out there that can track exactly where that picture was taken, address and all. Scary isn't it?

    Maybe I'm old fashioned but if my husband had a Facebook account, there would be no peace in my home until it was closed. I am his wife...not some random female on the world wide web. If he wants to talk...here I am. He has no business chatting with another women, just like I have no business chatting with another man. All this chatting and all is the devils work and is destroying many families because we are allowing it to do so.

    God willing your husband values your marriage enough to close his Facebook...he really doesn't need it. The time spent chatting to people he doesn't even know, he could be spending it together with you...planning for your future. Talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel when he's talking to other women. Ask him how he would feel if it was you who was talking to random guys on Facebook? Ask him how it would make him feel if you were making plans via Facebook to meet some random guy? He wouldn't like it in fact, he would be very angry with you and rightly so. Maybe if he can see it from another angle, he will understand how hurtful his actions are to you, not to mention deceitful.

    The best of luck to you both...may your husband open his eyes and see that he married a beautiful woman and the time spent on Facebook is time lost with you. 🙂

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Najah,

      Masha Allah, this post should go to facebook related post archives.

      I am his wife, not some random woman on world wide web. Wow....that's quite a powerful statement.

      May Allah help sisters comfort each other and give hidayah to husbands to keep to their wives whom Allah has given them as their "raiments".

      The moment you leave this raiment your robe of innocence is taken off. May Allah guard us from Shaytaan, all of us Muslims and forgive us and bring us in His Mercy.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

  2. As salamu alaykum,

    Forgiveness is a big issue, I understand why is so difficult for you not to trust yet, you have done the right thing talking to him and looking for Allah(swt) help and guidance, Alhamdulillah. Sister go to Allah(swt) once and again to look for His help, you will get it with His help insha´Allah.

    You may open new ways of sharing and communicating between both of you, build up bonds of intimacy and confidence, this will be little by little, men are very sensitive to us, even when they don´t show it, he will be waiting for the way you look, the way you touch or let him touch you, the way you talk the tone of your voice and even your smell, he may feel your way of being just for the way you say hello, we think they don´t care, they do care, and your husband won´t be any different.

    Give a chance to your husband and build up your marriage, you are just beginning and you have to adapt to each other, to learn from each other, if he loves you truly, he won´t make suffer you again with this insha´Allah.

    Related to fight issues, think twice before fighting, do wudu, look for refuge on Allah(swt) and defend your points always from a respectful and calm way, if you do this and he gets annoyed, he will be surprised by your attitude, with time, he will ask you how do you do it and you will guide him, then you both will help each other to accomplish the task of being the best for the other one, maybe one day will be easier for you and other one for him, balance and mutual help, insha´Allah.

    I would like to share with you this post, it has some interesting thoughts, I hope you like them

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/coincidence-or-connection/

    You can read too inspirational posts that you can find on IslamicSunrays.com. For example this one:

    http://islamicsunrays.com/when-you-forgive-you-live/

    Keep striving my beloved sister, insha´Allah, you will get it.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María

    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalamu Aleikum,

    And that's one more reason to be an opponent of Facebook. Why should a married person have

    a facebook account? Even unmarried people. In Islam, social interaction between non-mahrams

    is not allowed. Even in the cyber world, it's haram. All boundaries of respect and haya have

    disappeared. How can Muslims judge others and have facebook accounts with plenty of non-mahram

    women and men? Where is the shame nowadays? Many of those ladies don't have hijab, some of

    them are in bikinis. Wake up brothers and sisters. Only because it happens in the cyber world, and

    you don't see each other, it's not suddenly halal. I don't have a facebook account and I'm proud of it.

    As a Muslim woman, I don't need to have non-mahram brothers in my account. My husband e.g. doesn't

    accept women in his account. That was my condition,which I can place, and it is my right as a Muslim

    woman to demand that. This gheyra is necessary for a relationship. The brothers shouldn't get away with

    everything. Forgiveness is good, but why approaching a cliff when you can fall down?

    Jazakallah

  4. Sister I know exactly how you are feeling. I went through the same pain, I have always had my doubts on him and one day I summoned up my courage and looked at his email and saw all kinds of messages saying that he doesn't care about me and that he wants to know her better. When I saw that sister my heart broke I didn't what to do,I then confronted him but I couldn't get through to him I therefore confronted other people they told me I was being stupid and that I shouldn't let this facebook ruin our relationship, and when I finally got through to him he denied it he said it wasn't cheating.

    I forgave him after all that but not straight away I gave my self time and like you sis sister he said its because we were having arguments that why he did that, if that was me doing it he would have left straight and never look back at me. It still stays at the back of my mind everyday and when I think about I brush it out my head its not easy sister but I learnt that I need to forgive and he has changed majorly after this but I can't help having my doubts when ever we have an arguemt...I wish u all the best sister In shaa Allah everything works out well.

    • Plz dont let him make u feel guilty for his cheating . Cheaters resort to such allegations to justify their acts.

      You r a pious woman and u r feeling this pain Allah will bless u with something much better in jannah.
      Tell him that his facebooking will only take him to 1 place with all those losers he wastes his time with. Warn him that Allah doesnt take such vile actions lightly. Its a zina without a doubt and he will b punished severly..and u my sister, plz stay steadfast. Allah has something really wonderful for u.

  5. My husband says its not cheating if he's not communicating with the other girl. I found out this morning that he friended a girl, he has never met, seen or didn't even know it was a girl (that part is hard to believe). You could tell by her profile pix that she's a girl, wearing a no sleeve shirt.

    I noticed my husband spending a lot of time on facebook. He's always on everyday checking it. Yesterday, I noticed he was on for more than 3 hours. So early this morning, I logged onto his account and found out that he friended this girl. I don't understand why he would friend someone (a girl) that he doesn't know. But the connection was the sunday class he used to attend. He says he never met her, then how did they find each other on facebook? I don't have a facebook so I don't know how it works. I just know that whatever you put up, your friends will see it and vice versa. He says that he's not communicating with her (yet). But if he puts something up or she does, then they'll be learning something about each other then maybe making comments (communicating). What reason would you have to friend a stranger? She looks pretty in her profile pix and 1/3 of her top is missing.

    I couldn't sleep and have been crying over this for hours. He doesn't feel sorry for doing this or for making me feel this way. He even told me he's not doing anything wrong. By him friending her is showing that he's interested in what she has to say or post. I told him to close his facebook account. He wouldn't do it. He says I'm being dramatic and paranoid. Since I confronted him, his first reaction was being defensive. He raised his voice like he was mad at me when I'm the one crying and feeling hurt. He did this and he makes it seem like its my fault he's doing it. He's saying that he looks at other girls coz I don't pray and I'm not religious. But look at what he's doing. It hurts me even more that he doesn't care about how I feel. He didn't comfort me or say that he was sorry. He really think he was guilt-free.

    • Salaams,

      Sister, I would like to briefly say that men do have a right to take more than one wife. If your husband is telling you that he is displeased with you because you don't pray and you are not religious, then that's something you need to seriously think about. Piety should be the first quality a person looks for in a spouse, and if a man is not finding that in his current marriage one wouldn't reasonably blame him for considering his options in looking for someone more spiritual.

      If you want to keep your marriage intact, and reclaim your husband's affection and attention, then perhaps it would be best for you to make the practice of your deen more of a priority.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Update

      This past days have been hell for me. I felt lost, broken in pieces, and just completely empty.

      (Remainder of comment has been removed).

      • Nadia, I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing well. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will advise you on turn Insha'Allah. I am removing your comments from this post.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. NaJah, wallah I agree with you 100% about Facebook, I just don't understand why people put out all there business for everyone to see. Specially married men/ women chating online and cheating. If you are married delete your Facebook so you won't have any prombles in your marriage. Till this day my dad won't allow me or my sisters to have Facebook and I'm glad I'm not wasting my time. I agree till your husband delet his Facebook and everything will be just fine insallah.

  7. Its not funny how well these zionists play with human psychology. Every single individual has a desire to be known by ppl like a celebrity and on the other hand almost evry1 likes to know whats happening in another person's life. This site very conveniently intertwines both these desires . The format of this networking site is such that it makes u believe that u have all the exess u need to know about ppl who dont even know u exist and at the same time it lures u into exposing urself so u would feel popular.
    Every1 in my family is on facebook including my parents and my 11yr ol cousin and the same ppl who used to b sceptical about joining it earlier today mock me for not being on facebook. Im also raising a 11 yr ol kid and she often tells me how much she wants to join her other friends. I have to keep my patience and explain how dangerous it is. Ppl get hacked all the time and the website offers no support. May Allah keep me firm in faith and may our children never stray.
    we r truly stuggling in the time of fitna.
    This is one of the many strategies used by them who want to change the world order.

    Muslims r the main target.

  8. Assalam O Alaikum sisters,
    Facebook is not a bad thing in itself. People use it for educational, trade, business, as well as Dawah purposes. A Muslim man/woman who cheats or do bad things on social networking sites would do such things even if they were not on facebook. You won't trust such people when you are away for number of reason such as visiting family, holidays etc etc. As for Sister Nadia, your husband has no excuse for doing such things considering he takes Islamic classes on Sundays. If your lack of practicing religion is a problem for him, why he didn't discuss this with you before or why is he not discussing with you now or married a sister who is practicing. Half naked friend of his is I guess more religious right?

    It's ridiculous how some brothers justify their haram acts using silly excuses. Polygamy is allowed but this is not the way to approach a woman for marriage besides it won't solve any problem rather create more and might as well break marriage. People who blame facebook for all the evil to me are like those so called scholars who issued the fatwas when first man landed on moon even though it says in Quran that we should explore the creations of our Lord. We Muslims should make positive use of technical advances rather than just looking at their negative effects which have more to do with and individual.

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  9. my husband was caught with a fake FB account by me due to my suspicions from his phone book where he had been on chat sites and the bill came in higher. The FB account had young girls on it (15/18) My daughter is 17 she pulled up the history on our laptop and we found porn sites where he had searched punish porn which is rough porn with young girls, 12 year old sex etc.

    11 years ago after our first son he tried it on with a family girl ages 15/16. he denies this to this day but there were a few things that made me think its true. I tricked him and told him she told me he had kissed her. he said that it was only on the cheek and as a little sister nothing more. he is born in Pakistan as was she. he called her into the bedroom he told me. a Pakistani man wouldn't call a Pakistani girl into his bedroom and invite her to sit next to him, so I know this is true but tried not to believe it as I loved him.

    some 4 years later I found condoms in his car. again he came up with a story that they were not his, they were his friends. I trusted his story although there were some inconsistencies.

    The latest some 7 years later he is on FB and porn sites to young young girls.

    Ive forgiven him again, but set some rules that he should pray and spend time with his family. he prays on and off. he doesn't have the passion to pray at all I can see this. he fits it in if it suits him.

    he watches far too much TV and doesn't spend time in the evenings with the kids reading etc.

    ive asked him to change his ways. but I am scared and certain that in time he will regress.

    I have 3 boys. I have a daughter from my previous marriage.

    yes I am concerned. im not afraid to leave him as I am the bread winner and pay for everything. all I wanted from him was his love.

    if he cannot trust himself I want to tell him to leave and marry a young girl. this way he will not comit more sin or make me do the same by sharing my pain with my friends and mother.

    he has tried to make things up by being apparently loving and attentive towards me but all I feel is that he is doing this to keep me happy/sweet. after the dust had settled and we talked (I like to talk) he still blamed me for his distraction to FB and porn! I am in 2 minds about if he will do something again in a few years because that's what the history show. (what I have managed to find out)

    I don't know what to do! My gut tells me I should leave him, but my heart says that this is a one off and he wont do it again. ive reviewed the porn sites and they are utterly disgusting, men in control holding girls throats and doing nasty things.

    on the surface hes a nice guy!!!!!!

    • Salaams,

      I would like to make something perfectly clear: Men who are attracted to children/minors are NOT normal. Their behavior is not something that would happen "just once or twice" and then go away on it's own. Normal men do not even entertain ideas of sexual encounters with children even once- they find it sick.

      I personally feel your daughter from the previous marriage is most at risk, although your children with him are not entirely safe either. I don't know what further evidence you're looking for, because what you've relayed already is proof enough that you need to remove yourself and your children from this man completely. After what you've already witnessed, the next thing that would happen is him actually acting on his desires with someone else, and it shouldn't have to get that far to make you see what's already obvious: this man is a danger to children and needs to be reported immediately. In the US (and I imagine in most developed places around the world) viewing child porn is a crime itself, so that should be sufficient to involve the law against him as needed.

      Trust me when I tell you there are a multitude of men you could be with instead of him that would not even indulge in such horrendous things.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Sister,

      You SHOULD know what to do. Have you not read about people in their childhood who have been sexually molested by an adult? Do you have any idea what that does to a person? I don't think you have a choice to make--you have to act in the BEST interest of your daughter.

      I do not mean to hurt or attack you, but just for the love a man, you fully financially support him and put your daughter at risk? That isn't worth it.

      People who deceive all look wonderful on the surface--that is why it is called deceit! Please wake up and get yourself and your children out of this mess. You can forgive him, but you don't have to live with him.

      You only know what you found out--just try to imagine the stuff you DONT know about. If he had condoms, he was using them! What kind of friend keeps his own condoms in his friend's car? Sounds utterly ridiculous and he is making you a fool.

      Stop making excuses for him and be the adult here--your daughter is at risk--do you really want to feel accountable for being abused by this 'man'?

      May Allah solve your problems, Ameen.

    • Follow your gut instinct...it's usually right.

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