My husband does drugs and I cannot stop him; Please help
Fit to be a father? What do you think?
Salaam,
My husband does drugs, he smokes marijuana almost everyday and he does mushrooms once in a while. He used to drink but I successfully stopped him from drinking, but I can't seem to get him to stop his drug use. Every time I try to stop him it turns into a huge arguments, sometimes I win and he won't do it that day but because of that he ignores me all day and gets very angry for the day. To save my self from the arguments I have given up arguing with him about this and I try my best to be patient. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life and having a family with someone who does such things.
I don't know how I can get him to stop? Nothing I do or say seems to work. He keeps justifying what he does with scientific research. I don't like to fight with him as I live with my in laws and I hide this habit of his from them, and from my family. What do I do? Am I getting Gunnah because of his habits? Does me knowing he does this and not being able to stop him count as me sinning? I pray to Allah that my husband quits all this one day. I cannot handle watching him do these things anymore, I can't handle the constant arguments. He says he wants to quit, but he shows no sign of quitting anytime soon .
Destiny.
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Assalamualaikum,
I feel sorry for what you are facing, sister. May Allah ease your situation and solve your husband's problem.
Your husband is wrong in providing scientific justifications. Even if there is little good, it is Haraam and anything which is haraam in more quantity is also haraam in a small quantity.
Addictions are very difficult to overcome, except with commitment on part of the addict and proper precautions being taken. Steps have to be taken and it takes a courageous and patient partner to do what you are doing. I commend you for your struggle. Many people just leave their husbands in the first occasion and worry about everything else later.
He probably becomes angry with you because of his addiction to this evil. Perhaps he is unable to control his desire. It is not justified, of course, but consider it a disease which needs cure. Look for deaddiction centers which may be helpful.
An obedient Muslim needs no deaddiction center, but when Imaan is low, it is difficult. When the Aayah forbidding alcohol was revealed, Sahaabah did not ask a single question. They spilled all their wines in the streets of Madeenah. But there were some of them later who drunk and were punished with 40 lashes again and again. It depends on the levels of Imaan and the Imaan in itself.
Your husband should first realize that drugs are not only harmful but haraam first. He should realize that he is doing something unIslamic. If he realizes that ans wishes to turn to Allah and give up his habit, then in sha Allah, he will receive help, as Allah Says:
وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا
And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out (Surah at Talaq, Aayah 2)
Have patience and give him hope. Tell him kindly that he is destroying his own self, his own deen and his own Aakhirah.
And sister, things which are not in your control, you will not be held accountable for them. Yes, if you were silent in his actions and did not even bother to tell him about it, you would have been in sin for being silent on seeing sin, because of the following hadith:
Abu Sa'eed al Khudri Radiyallahu Anhu narrated:
I heard the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ say: ``Whoever among you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand (by taking action) ; if he cannot, then with his tongue (by speaking out) ; and if he cannot, then with his heart (by hating it and feeling it is wrong), and that is the weakest of faith.''
Allah Is The Most Just and He does not wrong anyone.
And sister, perhaps it is time to involve his parents. In some way or other, let them know his behavior; his addiction. They may help you do what you find difficult to do.
While proving that drugs are haraam; the following Aayah should help:
5:90
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّمَا الْخَمْرُ وَالْمَيْسِرُ وَالْأَنْصَابُ وَالْأَزْلَامُ رِجْسٌ مِنْ عَمَلِ الشَّيْطَانِ فَاجْتَنِبُوهُ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ
O you who have believed, indeed, intoxicants, gambling, [sacrificing on] stone alters [to other than Allah ], and divining arrows are but defilement from the work of Satan, so avoid it that you may be successful.
May Allah Help you and give you patience
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum as salam, sister Destiny,
I do agree with Abu Abdul Bari. Ameen to his prayer. I would like to add the following, please take it with a pinch of salt, it is just my personal opinion.
There is a strong power in our thoughts, specially when we have strong emotions(positive or negative) involved, ...
You cannot force him to do anything he is not willing to do, and at this point even if he wants by word and thought, his body is attached to its daily intake of drugs, then the easiest way it is to mantain the habit even when it is harmful for him, only God can save him or anyone from the evil in drugs and guide him to the path where he can be detoxified and find the treatment and the people that can help him to get out of that wrong path.
What I think you can do to help him, it is to talk eye to eye to him, be direct but gentle talk with your heart, remember to breath in and breath out consciously to be grounded and tell him how much it is affecting you, your thoughts about having a family with him and that you want to look for solutions, and depending on his reactions, you will know if he wants to walk hand to hand with you in life and solve his addiction or not. After this conversation, don´t mention it to him anymore, let it be, insha´Allah you will perceive if there is any real change on him or not. If he moves towards leaving his addiction, be there for him and look for professional help, this way he will know what to do when his body asks for the drug, it won´t be easy for none of you but insha´Allah, the thought of having a healthy family around may help to overcome the obstacles.
If this situation is not a secret anymore, insha´Allah he will be able to be helped but for that he has to want to be helped and recognize he has a problem first of all and ask for help. Think about how will affect you to tell him or not that you plan to talk to the families, this way you won´t be surprised by his reaction.
There is a simple change in your attitude that insha´Allah can help him a lot to find the straight path, when you think about him, forgive him and forgive yourself, love him and love yourself, beyond all the dark spots you see in him try to see the Light on him, love and forgive him from Heart, this is a second to second work, I could say day to day or hour to hour, but our thoughts go faster than that, this way you will be conscious about your emotions, your thoughts and you will be able to transmute them into unconditional love with God´s help and guidance.
Take care of yourself and remember that all the obstacles we find in our path have the goal of polishing our Hearts, strive to be the best you can be and ask for help and guidance from God to accomplish your task in this life, this way you will focus on your own life and everyone around you will notice it, your husband too, you are responsible for having him in your life, being consequent with this, then try your best to be for him if he wants you to be for him during his trials.
Thank you very much for listening. My unconditional Love,
María
salaam
sister i am talking from experience you neeed to tell your parents and get away from him i tried and tried to get my ex to get out of this habbit but you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped and sis if he has not already he will get physically violent soon keep yourself safe
I think
You need to till his parents and your parents before is too late!! Insallah Allah help both of you get threw this fast!!
Salaam, I thought I could stop my fiance from his addiction to legal highs, marijuana and snorting crushed pills (and I don't know what else) but instead spent all night & morning suffering his physical & verbal abuse. This happened for the third time yesterday. I caught a bus to the police station, talked to victim support and got examined by ambulance as he had pushed me down the stairs, pulled my hair and banged my head on the wall. Today im sore from head to toe and covered in bruises. No matter how good our intentions or how much we love them or how patient we are, the truth is we can not help someone who does not wish to be helped, who does not wish to see the error of their ways and repent and return to the islamic way of life. I was fortunate I came out alive. Dont't take a gamble with your life. Leave him. We owe it to ourselves & our family to take good care of this precious gift of life. What made my matters worse was that for the third time I found another womans toiletries etc at his house. Get out safely whilst you can. Make dua and Allah knows best.
Jazakallah.
Zarah, you are absolutely right. Thank you for sharing your experience, and make sure you follow your own advice. End your engagement to this man immediately, cut off all contact with him, and absolutely do not marry him. You have been fortunate to know what he is like before marriage.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor