I conceived without sexual intercourse, now I’m guilty of hurting two men. Which should I marry?
Confused
Question:
I am 25 years old Muslim Girl, From childhood I say namaz and recite quran, I still do.. I am not into bad things at all, except four years ago I got involved with a guy. I had physical relations with him for one year, and then but we never had sexual intercourse, but somehow I got pregnant but then end up with an abortion. After my abortion we had sexual relations once. After that he moved to another place, but he was in contact with me.
I am the patient of epilepsy, due to that reason he never got angry on me. He always worried that tension could harm me. While in first year, he was with me I found out that he has another girlfriend, but I ignored it as he lied to me and said that it's not like that. Later he broke with her.
He used to drink and smoke, but when I went to another country he left everything and he became really religious. I did not meet with him from three years, but I talked with him still.
On the one hand during the 3rd year of our relationship I met with a guy who some how likes me from years and sent proposals severals times. I started talking with him and gradually got involved. In whole 8 months, I talked with both. I never thought that the situation comes that worse, I started talking with 2nd person on the internet and during that he kept on sending propsal to my family, but my family said No everytime. He was quite honest, once he said to me that if your family is not agree we must get apart but I stopped him.
When I met with him, on his wish we went physical but not an intercourse. At that time I stopped talking with first Guy. He kept on calling me and emailing me but, I did not talk with him for about four months. I stopped talking with him without telling him. During that duration I realized that what I am doing, everything wrong and sinful, I wept alot.
I entreat forgiveness from God, after four months I started talking with first guy again and I told him that my parents fixed my engagement with someone. He was still hopeful that something will happen because he thinks I love him. I do have attachment with him perhaps love too, he turned out to be a very good person.
Now the other one is still trying to get marry with me. Both are so much serious and I don't know what to do. I am guilty in front of both of them. I cannot hurt anyone. Its been 3 months, I am going over and over again what should I do. But I cannot decide. There is no one to guide me.
What should I do? I did istikhara sometimes but I never get any clue. I know I am a bad person who played with 2 humans. I am Guilty. Tell me the way what should I do? With Islamic point of view to whom I should marry?
How should I handle all that? I don't want anymore sin and mistake.. Help me.
Sister Z's Answer:
Asalaamualaikum,
Sister Aisha Ali - do you realise just how extremely confused and lost you are? You are not a bad person, but you have fallen very weak, made some very bad choices and need some help. Allah has already guided you here to seek advice, so inshaAllah, we will do our best to help you.
Why consider either of these guys as husbands?
Nowhere in your post have you stated why you think either of these 'guys' are worth considering as husbands - yet you keep talking of love and proposals.
You said about your first boyfriend:
- We never had sexual intercourse, but somehow I got pregnant but then end up with an abortion.
- I am the patient of epilepsy, due to that reason he never got angry on me.
- he was with me I found out that he has another girlfriend, but I ignored as he lied that its not like that.
- He used to drink and smoke, but when I went to another country he left everything and he became really religious.
How did you become pregnant without having sexual intercourse? I don't know how that could have occured unless it was a miraculous conception - which I'm very sure was not the case here. How bad are your epileptic fits? Did this guy rape you while you were in a state of epilepsy, which is why you don't know how you ended up pregnant? Yes, that may sound absurd, but what other explanation could there be? Have you questioned any of this? He never got angry at you because you had epilepsy? So if you did not have epilepsy, would it be acceptable for him to be angry with you? And he cheated on you.
Aisha(!!!) - why would you want to marry someone like that, where is your self respect and dignity? Unless, of course he has truly and genuinely changed for the better? You say he became really religious, but what do you mean by this? Has he realised his sins? Has he repented? Is he now trying fully to practice his deen? Has he improved in character?
You have not said much about your second boyfriend, apart from that he has had physical relations with you too. So that doesnt suggest anything positive about his level of eemaan either.
Istikhara Salaah
You performed Istikhara Salaah so in your own way Alhumdulillah you are trying, but my dear Sister - its not enough. One of the conditions of Istikhara is that you are not committing major sins.
You will find some useful information on these websites regarding the correct way of seeking guidance through Istikhara:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/power-of-salat-ul-istikhara/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-hajah-or-istikhara/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/
Injustice to your own soul, purpose of life and Death:
You are so worried about how you have hurt these two guys, but do you not realise that you have done a far greater injustice/zhulm to your own soul by committing major sins and thereby displeasing Allah. See what Allah says in the Holy Quran:
"What is the life of this world but amusement and play? But indeed the home of the Hereafter is the true Life, if only they knew." (Qur'an Al Ankabut : 64)
"Every soul shall taste death, and only on the Day of Judgement will you receive your full recompense. The one who is saved from the Fire and admitted into Paradise will have attained success, for the life of the world is nothing but the goods of deception." (Qur'an Aal Imran : 185)
So this should remind us, that we are all very definitely going to die one day and will be held to account. Death is the only thing that is 101% guaranteed, yet we give this the least preparation and thought as we get caught up in 'amusement and play' of the dunya/world. Our purpose in life should be to worship Allah - anything that takes us beyond the limits set by Allah is not good for us. Aisha my sister, worry about yourself, not these two guys. If you are serious and honest about your statement: "I don't want anymore sin and mistake." - I would suggest you cut contact with both these 'guys' you have been having haraam relations with.
I do not think you should even be thinking about marriage yet. Not until you have taken some time out to realise the enourmity of your error, made sincere tawbah, established your connection with Allah(swt) and strengthened your eemaan and improved your character. You have been through alot and are very clearly not in a stable state of mind or eemaan. Emotional stability and strong eemaan are quite essential when making any big decision, especially if wanting to choose a spouse according to the Quran and Sunnah.
Your action plan:
1) Aisha, do yourself a favour and cut off contact with both these guys. Tell them that you are doing this because you have been sinning too long and need to re-establish your link with Allah before you can think of marriage. Tell them that you want to please Allah first, you want to repent and lead a clean life and will think of marriage when you are mentally stronger and stronger in eemaan. If they suggest you do this along side maintaining contact with them - this really is not possible. It may be difficult for you to cut off from them, but if you serious want to stop sinning and want to sort your life out, then you need to make a conscious effort to do this, eventually Allah will make it easier for you.
If you have some good Muslim sisters/friends, this is the time that you need them. If they are kind and compassionate, they will not judge you. They will support you and help you fill your time with something better so you do not feel the absence of these two men. Because - really it seems as though these two men have become nothing more than a bad habit and a bad distraction in your life.
2) Self-reform: Aisha, you need to do whatever you can to improve your character. You cannot do this till you have taken responsibility for the state you are currently in. You must realise that you have committed major sins; Allah(swt) instructs and warns us: "And do not come near to the unlawful sexual intercourse". Furthermore, you must feel remorse, be steadfast in not turning back and turn to Allah and make sincere tawbah/repentance, as He is The Most Merciful One. Allah (swt) will forgive you if you sincerely repent.
Keep it simple, if you find it difficult engaging in alot of worship, start by trying to improve the condition of your five daily Salaah, Allah (s.w.t) said: "and establish prayer, indeed prayer prevents from depravity and wrongdoing". Try to pray with Khushoo, focus on what you are reading and learn the meaning. When we are in sujood, we are closest to Allah, so prolong your sujood and ask Allah to forgive you during this time. Make dua, do dhikr and recite Quran. Join some Islamic classes, being around good Muslims gives a very positive and uplifting feeling. Do aim to eventually start engaging in more worship - build this gradually if it is difficult at first.
Muhammed(saw) said there are seven types of people who will enjoy Allah's shade on a day when there is no shade but His, one of these seven will be, "two men who love each other for the sake of Allah, meeting for that reason, and parting with this love (still cherished by both of them)". (Al-Bukhari and Muslim). This applies to women too, so when you meet lovely sisters at Islamic classes, this will be an act of worship on your behalf and Allah will be pleased with you for making this effort.
3) Realise your potential: Aisha, if you re-focus your life towards Allah, you will be on your way to becoming a strong Muslim woman. We have so many beautiful role models to aspire to - Aisha(ra), Khadija(ra), Maryam(ra)...the list is endless. Turn to Allah and the right people and you will have some peace of mind and will feel better about yourself. InshaAllah this will help improve your self esteem as you seem to be very broken.
Only when you are happier and at peace by submitting to Allah's Will, will you know what qualities you should be looking for in a husband. You will want someone who is a true Muslim in spirit and in practice, and Allah will put love into your heart for such a person when he is put in your path.
Allah will ask us on the Day of Judgment: "Where are those who loved each other for the sake of My glory? Today, on a day when there is no shade but Mine, I shall shade them with My shade." (Muslim)
By this time, if either of those 'guys' have truly turned towards Allah, you will know and you will be in a better position to know whether they are husband material or not.
Aisha - you are a woman. Allah has gifted you with the title of a Muslimah, that is a great title. With some effort on your behalf, you can be a strong believer and worshipper of Allah, a kind daughter, a loving wife, mother and friend etc. But you have to learn to love and respect yourself first. You owe it to yourself. Be thankful to Allah that He has bestowed His Infinite Mercy on you, be grateful to Him(swt) and turn towards Him(swt). InshaAllah you will find peace in the rememberance of Allah.
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalaamualaikum,
Sister Aisha Ali - do you realise just how extremely confused and lost you are? You are not a bad person, but you have fallen very weak, made some very bad choices and need some help. Allah has already guided you here to seek advice, so inshaAllah, we will do our best to help you.
Why consider either of these guys as husbands?
No-where in your post have you stated why you think either of these 'guys' are worth considering as husbands - yet you keep talking of love and proposals.
You said about your first boyfriend:
- We never had sexual intercourse, but somehow I got pregnant but then end up with an abortion.
- I am the patient of epilepsy, due to that reason he never got angry on me.
- he was with me I found out that he has another girlfriend, but I ignored as he lied that its not like that.
- He used to drink and smoke, but when I went to another country he left everything and he became really religious.
How did you become pregnant without having sexual intercourse? I don't know how that could have occured unless it was a miraculous conception - which I'm very sure was not the case here. How bad are your epileptic fits? Did this guy rape you while you were in a state of epilepsy, which is why you don't know how you ended up pregnant? Yes, that may sound absurd, but what other explanation could there be? Have you questioned any of this? He never got angry at you because you had epilepsy? So if you did not have epilepsy, would it be acceptable for him to be angry with you? And he cheated on you.
Aisha(!!!) - why would you want to marry someone like that, where is your self respect and dignity? Unless, of course he has truly and genuinely changed for the better? You say he became really religious, but what do you mean by this? Has he realised his sins? Has he repented? Is he now trying fully to practice his deen? Has he improved in character?
You have not said much about your second boyfriend, apart from that he has had physical relations with you too. So that doesnt suggest anything positive about his level of eemaan either.
Istikhara Salaah
You performed Istikhara Salaah so in your own way Alhumdulillah you are trying, but my dear Sister - its not enough. One of the conditions of Istikhara is that you are not committing major sins.
You will find some useful information on these websites regarding the correct way of seeking guidance through Istikhara:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/power-of-salat-ul-istikhara/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-hajah-or-istikhara/
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/
Injustice to your own soul, purpose of life and Death:
You are so worried about how you have hurt these two guys, but do you not realise that you have done a far greater injustice/zhulm to your own soul by committing major sins and thereby displeasing Allah. See what Allah says in the Holy Quran:
"What is the life of this world but amusement and play? But indeed the home of the Hereafter is the true Life, if only they knew." (Qur'an Al Ankabut : 64)
"Every soul shall taste death, and only on the Day of Judgement will you receive your full recompense. The one who is saved from the Fire and admitted into Paradise will have attained success, for the life of the world is nothing but the goods of deception. (Qur'an Aal Imran : 185)
So this should remind us, that we are all very definitely going to die one day and will be held to account. Death is the only thing that is 101% guaranteed, yet we give this the least preparation and thought as we get caught up in 'amusement and play' of the dunya/world. Our purpose in life should be to worship Allah - anything that takes us beyond the limits set by Allah is not good for us. Aisha my sister, worry about yourself, not these two guys. If you are serious and honest about your statement: "I don't want anymore sin and mistake." - I would suggest you cut contact with both these 'guys' you have been having haraam relations with.
I do not think you should even be thinking about marriage yet. Not until you have taken some time out to realise the enourmity of your error, made sincere tawbah, established your connection with Allah(swt) and strengthened your eemaan and improved your character. You have been through alot and are very clearly not in a stable state of mind or eemaan. Emotional stability and strong eemaan are quite essential when making any big decision, especially if wanting to choose a spouse according to the Quran and Sunnah.
Your action plan:
1) Aisha, do yourself a favour and cut off contact with both these guys. Tell them that you are doing this because you have been sinning too long and need to re-establish your link with Allah before you can think of marriage. Tell them that you want to please Allah first, you want to repent and lead a clean life and will think of marriage when you are mentally stronger and stronger in eemaan. If they suggest you do this along side maintaining contact with them - this really is not possible. It may be difficult for you to cut off from them, but if you serious want to stop sinning and want to sort your life out, then you need to make a conscious effort to do this, eventually Allah will make it easier for you.
If you have some good Muslim sisters/friends, this is the time that you need them. If they are kind and compassionate, they will not judge you. They will support you and help you fill your time with something better so you do not feel the absence of these two men. Because - really it seems as though these two men have become nothing more than a bad habit and a bad distraction in your life.
2) Self-reform: Aisha, you need to do whatever you can to improve your character. You cannot do this till you have taken responsibility for the state you are currently in. You must realise that you have committed major sins; Allah(swt) instructs and warns us: "And do not come near to the unlawful sexual intercourse"¦". Furthermore, you must feel remorse, be steadfast in not turning back and turn to Allah and make sincere tawbah/repentance, as He is The Most Merciful One. Allah (swt) will forgive you if you sincerely repent.
Keep it simple, if you find it difficult engaging in alot of worship, start by trying to improve the condition of your five daily Salaah, Allah (s.w.t) said: ""¦and establish prayer, indeed prayer prevents from depravity and wrongdoing"¦.". Try to pray with Khushoo, focus on what you are reading and learn the meaning. When we are in sujood, we are closest to Allah, so prolong your sujood and ask Allah to forgive you during this time. Make dua, do dhikr and recite Quran. Join some Islamic classes, being around good Muslims gives a very positive and uplifting feeling. Do aim to eventually start engaging in more worship - build this gradually if it is difficult at first.
Muhammed(saw) said there are seven types of people who will enjoy Allah's shade on a day when there is no shade but His, one of these seven will be "two men who love each other for the sake of Allah, meeting for that reason, and parting with this love (still cherished by both of them)" (Al-Bukhari and Muslim). This applies to women too, so when you meet lovely sisters at Islamic classes, this will be an act of worship on your behalf and Allah will be pleased with you for making this effort.
3) Realise your potential: Aisha, if you re-focus your life towards Allah, you will be on your way to becoming a strong Muslim woman. We have so many beautiful role models to aspire to - Aisha(ra), Khadija(ra), Maryam(ra)...the list is endless. Turn to Allah and the right people and you will have some peace of mind and will feel better about yourself. InshaAllah this will help improve your self esteem as you seem to be very broken.
Only when you are happier and at peace by submitting to Allah's Will, will you know what qualities you should be looking for in a husband. You will want someone who is a true Muslim in spirit and in practice, and Allah will put love into your heart for such a person when he is put in your path.
Allah will ask us on the Day of Judgment: "Where are those who loved each other for the sake of My glory? Today, on a day when there is no shade but Mine, I shall shade them with My shade." (Muslim)
By this time, if either of those 'guys' have truly turned towards Allah, you will know and you will be in a better position to know whether they are husband material or not.
Aisha - you are a woman. Allah has gifted you with the title of a Muslimah, that is a great title. With some effort on your behalf, you can be a strong believer and worshipper of Allah, a kind daughter, a loving wife, mother and friend etc. But you have to learn to love and respect yourself first. You owe it to yourself. Be thankful to Allah that He has bestowed His Infinite Mercy on you, be grateful to Him(swt) and turn towards Him(swt). InshaAllah you will find peace in the rememberance of Allah.
i will inshallah do all this. i sent an another post please look at it ..and clear me.
Thanks
Aisha
ASalam Walikum:
I am a mulimah, I conceived during my menustrual cycle
and 9 months later my son was born alhamdullilah.
At that time my late husband and I did not know that it was haraam to have
a sexual relationship during menustral cycle.
Please advise me.
Thanks,
salam
im 25yrs old i hope u ill reply me i m diagnosed with major depression disorder from past 10 yrs i get attached to people very easily and trust them in a jiff ..i get betrayed over and over again bt i dont stop trusting people..i do get better in bw bt for only 1 - 2 months and fall back into depression again (smthing heartbreaking always happens to make me depress) abt untill 2 years bak i ws so stupid that in the name of love i slept with 7 guys(v never had intercourse) which ws stupid thing to do bt i never realised as if i ws inttoxxicated with that guy in the moment though in my mind i ws telling myself that its wrong and next time i would do that again......i seeked helped bt nthing really helped me......i hav ben dumped by my last bf 2yrs bk after that i havnt been with sm1 i dont trsut boys nemore i thought love will bring me harmony n peace bt it deprived of evyrything i hate myself ...y did i do such things i cnt understand and y it happend to me ..........i ws sexually abused when i ws kid ........until past two years i kept repeating this awfull mistake again n again i knew im big fat an ugly and boys only wanted my body and again did that why i became such a cheap girl... im not a cheap gal i jus wanted to be loved n get married to the person but still it happen to me ........i tried killing myself bt i ws saved
Dear Ishaa, Asalaamualaykum,
You have clearly been through some very difficult experiences and I am so sorry for this. You have not given much detail but you said you were sexually abused as a child. This is a terrible ordeal you have had to suffer Ishaa and I feel for you deeply. Understandably, you are deeply scarred and it appears that these issues have never been brought to the surface or dealt with. Furthermore you are suffering from depression, you feel very low about yourself and are desperately seeking security - but in the wrong places.
You have sought security through relationships with men but each relationship has ended in tears and pain. Instead of learning from this, you have kept on trying to search for security through rushing into more relationships. What you have failed to realise though is that this void will never be filled by replacing man after man. You need to search for security no-where else but within your own soul.
I know that sounds easier said than done Ishaa, I don't expect you to find it easy, but there is help for you. Many sisters have been through traumatic experiences like yours and they can and have managed to turn their lives around for the better.
***
You tried to take your life, but Allah saved you because he(swt) loves you. Alhumdulillah, my dear sister, you have a life ahead of you. You are beautiful and can learn to love yourself. I know you have been through alot, but there is a way forward. I am your sister in Islam and I love you for the sake of Allah. I will email you and inshaAllah I will be able to help you.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
salam
i dont knw how to post the question plz delete this post cant find the login bar or button
nobody could have said it better then sister Z