Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell her about my intention to marry her?

Convert love into marriage

Love in Islam

I met a muslim girl and thought i was in love and so does she but  now time has gone on and i realised that i had been stupid in thinking so. we had committed major sins and i have been putting off seeing her lately since i get extremely guilty as i know what i am doing is wrong.

I know we are not right for each other for a number of reasons. I have put breaking up with her off simply because I dont want to make her feel as if I used her and also i feel like ive taken something from her so now i should stay with her. I know it would be best for me both in becoming closer to Allah and acedemic wise to cut contact with her but i dont want to hurt her and make her feel this way or affect her imaan.

Also I do have feelings for her but i am NOT concerned about my feelings in comparison to the real purpose of my life, rather i am concerned about her feelings. Also its been more than a year now since ive known her. what should i do? if i should break up with her should i just forget about her for life?

or should i tell her i will marry her later on in life? (sorry if this is an insignificant question)

~ harlem

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13 Responses »


    PLS LET US KNOW YOUR CASTE I met a muslim girl and thought i was in love ANSWER FOR THIS-

    i had been stupid in thinking so. we had committed major sins...
    i feel like ive taken something from her so now i should stay with her.
    i dont want to hurt her



  2. What do u mean by time has gone? Like u bought some product and it has passed it expiry date and its still sitting on ur shelf so ur wondering if u should throw it or not?

    Where is the complication brother? Its looks like u have already make up ur mind. U had zina with this girl and now u want to dump her for a lot of other ( common) reasons and u want an approval from a whole bunch of ppl who dont even know u or the girl. Let me guess...u probably expect us to tell u to do astagfar and move on coz obviously Allah (s.w.t) is Gafoor ur Raheem.

    listen brother. Whatever u choose to do. Make sure u dont mess up someone's life intentionally.
    U said u have feelings for her. Then y do u want to breakup completely. U r right she will feel used specially if u were the first guy in her life and she did what she did to please u. She will have to live with the pain of rejection all her life and the burden to hide it from her future husband as well.

    If u r not financially settled yet then just tell her that u r sorry that u got carried away and did stuff that was haraam and so u will refrain from it henceforth. If she is a believer then she will also feel the guilt and appreciate u for it. U can observe abstainance without breaking up with this girl. In the mean time, tell ur family about it if u like but if have made up ur mind to breakup anyway then do what u want coz sensitive muslims wont teach u to sugar coat ur knife.

  3. listen brother, do sincere tawbah and if you have already done that, then continue. Remind this sister also (in a public place) and then move on and LIVE AN ISLAMIC LIFE and continue your tawbah till you die.

    If it proves to be that she is the type of wife you are seeking, and you both make tawbah, then perhaps you can go about it in a halal way (involve families, etc.)

    Till then, if you don't end up marrying her in a halal way, keep a distance from females, and socializing and stuff and things that will tempt a person to go towards zina. Shaitan works in baby steps.

    DO NOT allow shaitan to say 'oh look tryna be all pious now after you did this and that'. NO. tell him: i made a mistake and now I want to return to my Lord, U didnt return and you have no hope BUT I HAVE HOPE.

    Allah accepts the repentance of His sincere slaves.

  4. Salaam Brother,

    I feel hurt honestly from the way your thinking of the girl now after you used her and satisfied your desires,,, probably a while back she was your queen that you were soo eager to get her,,, now that you did, you are ready to trash her....
    Subhanallaah, this is not what the believers do... please make the right decision and do not hurt the girl twice...

    If you are the first man she slept with, then why are you having second thoughts,, Marry her as soon as possible and do tawbah together, if you believe that you will not be bale to repent while with her then what makes you believe that you will if you leave her,, you will probably go around looking for another innocent sister and end up the same way.... specially if she's not the first one you had sex with....

    Allah stw is merciful, and he accepts the repentance of his slaves who sincerely return to him....
    Do not delay your tawbah and do not ever repeat your mistakes....

    I will advice you to marry this girl as soon as possible despite the obstacles on your way... Involve your families and set a wedding date. and do meet see her again without her mahram. Explain to her how you feel abt the mistake you both made and remind her to also repent,
    Who says you can't be successful academically or financially if you marry? if your dream is to finish your education you can still do so while married Insha''allah Allah will make the road easy for you with lots of Du'a...

    One more thing, Do not look down on the girl just because she slept with you while you were not her mahram,... remember you sins are as big as hers in front of Allah and you are not any better than her....
    Also do not remind each other of your sins and do not bring it up after marriage no matter what happens between you guys as it will create wrong thoughts in your mind.... But always continue regretting for your sins as long as you live and do more acts of worship like fasting, doing voluntarily paryers, giving sadaqah, been kind and merciful to others and even giving a smile is a big thing...

    So please tell this girl to also make a sincere tawbah and make dua for her that Allah forgives all her sins and enter both of you into paradise together....

    Sorry if i judged you in anyway,
    I hope the best for you in this life and the next..
    May Allah forgive us all

    Seeker of Jannah.....

  5. Brother, the reality is - you have used this poor girl and taken advantage of her in the worst way possible and now you're looking for an ''out'' but feel bad about it because you know that that's essentially what you're asking for...
    If you genuinely have feelings for this girl - marry her, make this relationship valid and halaal and repent ---
    if you do not feel strongly for her any longer and your feelings stem more from a sympathy standpoint, then let her go entirely... (This includes no contact any longer in any capacity and not promising her ''eventual'' marriage and having her ''wait'' for you when you know deep down that as time passes you may not keep this promise)
    She deserves your sincerity and your honesty for the time and emotion invested in you already, she does not deserve to be in a marriage with a man who is pretencious and guilt-ridden and who will ultimately make her married life miserable because he felt pressured into a commitment he went into ''half-heartedly'' --- she deserves a partner who sincerely cares for her, her well-being and her future.
    I marvel at how men do not realise the emotional attachment that is formed by the female when relationships are made ''physical''... Something as simple as a kiss or a gesture of affection like a stroke across the cheek means the absolute world to a female when coming from a man she ''believes'' she is inlove with and trusts unconditionally - thus, upon termination of such a relationship - she is left shattered and devastated and the effects may demolish her self-esteem and cripple her confidence and sense of self-worth and self-love for years to come.
    Essentially brother - You ruin a life.
    I tell you this not to condemn you, but to make you realise the magnitude of the crime and its longterm effects such that you never again repeat this mistake with any other female.
    That said - you both had a part to play in this and thus she has to bear the weight of her decisions and repent also.
    My recommendation - Seperate yourself from her for a while whilst you weigh your options as you have said there are ''reasons'' things wouldn't work between you two - bear in mind those circumstances do not disappear because you have been ''physically involved'' with her.
    And once you have made your decision, with the Guidance of the Almighty, verbalise it to her in a manner of utmost respect.
    If it's marriage - involve her family, if it's termination of the relationship - explain your reasons kindly and do not simply be dismissive of her, you would have hurt her enough already...

    This decision will impact on the rest of both your lives. It must be thought out with a clear mind and a sincere heart. May the Almighty help you both in this, Insha-Allah.

  6. Salam Alaikom Brother,

    Firstly, I think you have real courage to post this question and I hope what I say can help you with your decision, inshala. Remember I am not here to judge you as others may be.

    Brother, I think you need to do what is best for you and your relationship with Allah swt. If this girl will take you further away from Allah and will not bring you benefit in this life and the next, it may be hard but you will need to look at letting go. Also, if she is a good girl i.e has attributes of a good wife and potential mother for your children, then you should marry her, but not out of feeling sorry for her. Does she fear Allah swt? Does she pray her daily prayers? Does she observe hijab?

    Seek forgiveness from Allah swt, and guide yourself to the correct path. You need to ensure everything you do in life will bring you benefit in the hereafter and not just for the present life.

    It is haraam to keep her, without marrying her, as she would propbably lure you in to sin by temptation, as you said you still have feelings for the girl. Be nice to her and explain to her that your interests are with Allah and with your studies, and that what you are doing is haraam and should repent. If she accepts this, then it is ok to marry and make things halaal for the both of you.

    People do haraam things, but at a time of ignorance we can not be too harsh. We must give advice that would assist our brothers and sisters in need of guidance. This is why I am telling you to repent and tell your gf to do the same. Focus you energy on becoming a better muslim, she too will become a better muslima. Marry her only if you feel she is what you want, and wants to repent and do things the halaal way, if she doesn't accept this then you may need to consider letting go. As it is not for your best interest to continue with the haraam.

    I am not supporting the haraam of your relationship, because what you and her have been doing is haraam. You have taken more from her then what she has taken from you, which is why relationships outside marriage is forbidden. Do the right thing for you and her, make it halaal and repent.

  7. From you post, it is unclear if you feel guilty because you were committing a sin or if you were fulfilling your desires with someone despite feeling incompatible with her. From that I mean to say, had you felt compatible would you have continued?

    Had you been married to her in a halal way and after being with her sometime, would you have worked through your differences or divorced her? It is so very easy to simply let someone go when you have no obligations to them and can so easily put the responsibilities aside. I don't understand why academics is an issue here--it certainly was not when you were fulfilling desires.

    Yes, marriage is a lot of responsibility because of the enjoyment that comes with it. Physical relationships out of marriage are not meant to be guilt-free and they hold a lot of responsibility. I think it is too bad that now you feel obligated to her, but when you were pursuing her, there wasn't anything better for you.

    Obviously, you have used her and I don't think you can just hope that that is not the case--obviously she has her share in this, but do you think she would say no to you if you asked for her hand in marriage? If she does, you have led her on.

    Regardless of studies, you should marry her and if you can't, then you have to find a way to very gently tell her the truth and be sincere with her. Then do not repeat this mistake again. Not only is it a huge sin, but as was stated above, girls are very emotionally attached and a physical relationship is not the same for them. It is very difficult. Just reading this post, makes me very very disturbed. Just imagine for a moment, if that girl was ur sister, ur daughter and someone treated her like? What is right? I think the answer would then be clear.

  8. Salaam alaikum
    I don't understand why most people are saying he took advantage of the sister or he used her she could of said no, she could have stopped him they are both responsible for the sin they committed. Temptation is a strong feeling, but at the same time they both had to plan to meet alone and when the process was happening at one point one of them knew what they were doing was bad nevertheless it happened and now the brother is looking for a way to make it right if he used her he would not be here asking for advice he would of simply dumped her.

    But brother all I can say is ask Allah to forgive you and tell her to seek repentance as well and get married soon in sha Allah. The damage is done now the least you can do is make things right in sha Allah. I hope all goes well and may Allah shower His mercy upon us for all of his have sinned.


    • It is good for him to ask for advice, but men are the protectors and maintainers of women, not the other way around. After fulfilling his desires, he realizes NOW that she is not compatible with him. A little too late for that. It isn't her on the website wanting to end this--and the best thing is for the to get married. No one is saying she didn't sin, we can't give her advice, we can only give him advice.

      A person shouldn't engage in a physical relationship or any relationship outside of marriage, but to do it and then put off ending it because you don't want the other to feel used--but what happened then? She was used.

      and besides, I think the main lesson is DONT REPEAT THIS with any girl again ever. how else does one say that?

  9. Honestly, I can't stand guys like you, I'm sorry if I'm been mean!!! You use this girl now you don't wanna be with her that is just sad sad you need to rethink about this then makeup your mind.

  10. Asalamalaykum Brother

    I can relate to this post well.

    Yes, I am a woman whose Imaan is being destroyed, who is severely affected by a man’s actions and who is going through extreme feelings of sadness, hopelessness etc.

    Yes, some of the sisters hit the nail right on the head and offered some fantastic insight in regards to how the actions of a man can affect a woman and offered some valuable points/advice for you to reflect on. .

    Unfortunately, I am going through this situation right now. I have been suffering emotionally/mentally for a year and I have contemplated writing my situation on here many times as some people offer excellent advice but I just can’t as it is to private and personal.

    It is way too personal to write on here my story, as it is quite likely my identity will be revealed to those who know me even if I change major details such as location etc. Let’s say at the least, my story is rather unusual.

    And if one of the female moderators/editors can possibly email me so I can get some Islamic guidance and advice? Please, I am 20 years old and I am really lost?
    It would be very much appreciated if you could email me 🙂

    Brother, InshaAllah, I hope you can take some benefit from my advice that I have to offer you.

    Brother, I find your post contradictory, you wrote that you don’t think you 2 are right for each other and the best thing for yourself is to cut off contact with her and not marry her. And you wrote you feel very guilty as she feels you have used her and taken something from her.

    On the other hand you have feelings for her and care about her and want to tell her you have intentions to marry her and you want her to ‘wait’ around for you because possibly, she might go and marry someone else.

    So Brother, I don’t understand you have feelings for her yet you think it is wise and best to cut off contact with her. If your feelings are true for her then why would you come to that conclusion? Why would you want to cut contact with her and not marry her when you have feelings for her?

    I think the word ‘love’ in the romantic sense is being thrown about left, right and centre these days and used carelessly.
    So maybe you were not really in love with her in the beginning, maybe you have mistaken lust/desire for ‘love’. To truly love, it is done unconditionally and it is based on realism and it does not necessarily mean you will always have butterflies in your stomach when you are with her and love does not always mirror this idealistic picture that is painted by Hollywood and Bollywood.

    It is easy to be with someone in times of ease, and when the difficulties arise and the going gets tough then leave them and walk away. But then again that is when you are able to distinguish ‘true love’ from ‘mistaken love’. True love remains intact/strong and survives through the adversities that we are faced with throughout life.

    Please for the women’s sake, do not marry her if you don’t want to genuinely marry her but are doing so out of guilt/sympathy and you feel that you are compelled to marry her. This marriage will not work out if these are your reasons, as it is not fair on her to marry a man who married her due to guilt and pity. She does not need your pity! Who are you kidding?

    I can not emphasise this point enough! Do not marry her if you feel you are compelled to!

    Because that will be the second biggest mistake that you make, trust me, a woman does not need/deserve a man who will enter a marriage half-heartedly and is doing so out of sympathy/pity/guilt. In this case, she is better off alone and suffering rather than being married to you!

    Marrying her for these reasons! Are you serious? That would be rather insulting and even more hurtful for her to find out that a man married her due to guilt and not out of sincerity.

    It is a recipe for disaster to start off with if you marry her for the wrong reasons. If you want to marry her out of pity and to erase your guilt then I advice you 110% not to marry her.

    On the flipside of the coin, if you actually have strong and true feelings for her then you should marry her.
    And it seems like you are in a dilemma in regards to whether you should marry her or not so after answering these questions, then InshaAllah it will become clearer to you in regards to what course of action you should take!

    Ask yourself these questions, answer them honestly and reflect on the answers:

    Will you be able to forget about her for life? (Easier said than done)
    What is the significance of her in your life?
    Does she meet your marriage requirements? Compatibility?
    Are your feelings strong for her?
    Do you think she is ‘the one’ for you?
    Does she make you happy?
    Do you two get on well with each other?
    Can you see a future together with her?
    Is she practicing or does she try?
    What is her character like?

    You should only marry her if you know you have the capacity to love her, appreciate her and protect her etc. because a marriage should be based on mutual love and it can’t just be one-sided. It works both ways.

    But if you do really like her then, make it halal brother! What are you waiting for?

    InshaAllah, marriage is completing half your Deen so I don’t understand how you think you will be closer to Allah if you cut contact with her and don’t marry her! InshaAllah you can help each other to get closer to Allah!
    As for financially providing for her, place your trust in Allah as He is Ar-Razzack - The Provider. The birds go hungry in the morning looking for their food and return with their sustenance in the evening. SubhanAllah! She will not care about your salary or your position in terms of wealth if she genuinely likes you.

    InshaAllah, if you decide to marry her then at some point, apologise to her for the past and tell her that you have realised your mistake and you wish to pursue things in a halal manner now! Hopefully, she should be ready to forgive and put the past behind her and she will be happy that you have acknowledged your mistake and you want to marry her now!

    Maybe it would be better if you could get your sister to speak to her for marriage purposes as this would be most appropriate.

    Also have a meeting in front of her parents so you can discuss whatever questions you have for each other and do not meet her alone! Then pray Salah tul Istaharah. InshaAllah Allah will guide you to what is best for you.

    And you also wrote that you will tell her that you have the intention to marry her later, if I make the assumption that you meant long term as in after a prolonged period of time has passed. For a girl, the intention to marry her sometime further on in the future (after ages) is not enough and is just silly. She will not feel content as this is just an intention to marry her eventually, you will be nothing but a strange man to her for maybe years to come until you marry her. So if you wish to express the intention to marry her then go about it the right/halal way and marry her soon, do not leave it longer than 2/3 months to marry her after the intention to marry her has been expressed!

    InshaAllah, I really hope everything works out for you and her!

    You wrote ‘I know we are not right for each other for a number of reasons’

    Brother can I ask you what are the reasons are and why you think that you two are not right for each other?

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