Very angry and jealous of my husband talking to his ex
"His ex calls him just to make me jealous..."
salaam alkium everyone
I don’t know what to write or say but I can’t suffer in silence, I’m going crazy. Here is my story.
I got married to my first and only love elhamdulilah (that’s what everyone would wish for, to get married to the one they love and adore). I’m very happy in my life even though our financial condition is not good, but elhamdulilah Allah can give wealth to anyone he wants and takes it from anyone who doesn’t want to give – I don’t have a problem with that.
My husband was married to another woman before me. I knew about it and he has a son from her, but he divorced her a long time ago before we got married.
My problem is I don’t like her, especially when she calls. I get very angry and jealous of my husband talking to her. He made me feel like that because when she calls, he puts the volume down especially these days. I don’t have trust in him, even though he is kind and sweet – he helps me with everything, and never makes me upset but I’m a woman and I have the right to get jealous of my husband talking to her or to any women. It’s only because I love him and I don’t want to share him with anyone.
One day, I argued with my husband because I couldn’t handle it. She was calling him and he was talking and laughing with her. We agreed she only calls him when his son needs him, otherwise I don’t want her calling him and besides, they shouldn’t talk to each other because they are strangers to each other other than what makes them talk to each other – it’s because of the son that is between them and nothing else, and I told him that.
She calls him just to get me jealous and argue with him. Why would she call him when her son is sleeping or playing?
Sometimes I keep it to myself, because I don’t want to argue with my husband because of her and I am keeping silent for the sight of Allah in my marriage, not to destroy it and for my unborn child. I’m five months pregnant and I’m too too too stressed and day and night I keep on having bad dreams and I cry when I wake up. I wake up and put my hand up and ask Allah to help me.
I told my husband so many times “I don’t want you to ask her anything” – most of the time he asks her about money and one day I heard him begging her for me and he told me something else, but I knew it but I could say “you’re lying”. He made me check on him every time he goes out (his phone and email). I’m tired and sick, please help: is what I’m going through just my imagination? Am I wrong to want to keep my life happy?
- marya
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Salaam my Sister,
I'm sorry for the emotions that you are feeling, jealousy is a terrible emotion and not nice at all.
The Quran teaches us: "O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion: for suspicion in some cases is a sin" 49:12
Hadith number 1284: Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Messenger said, “I warn you of suspicion, for suspicion is the most false form of talk.”
I do think that you are making more of these calls than necessary. Naturally you will feel jealous to hear your husband speaking with a woman he had a relationship with, but jealousy should be a fleeting emotion, and then logic, reason and trust should kick in. You said in your statement:
"She calls him just to get me jealous and argue with him".
What you have done here, is you have assumed / created vile motives for her contact, and make her an enemy to you but giving her these bad, vicious motives, when actually it is more likely that she seeks to maintain a positive relationship with the father of her child which is very healthy and very natural. Your negative reactions are causing your husband to be more cautious, and now his caution is only feeding your jealous feelings - yet, if you did not show jealousy in the first place, he would not seek to conceal his activity from you.
If you and your husband love each other and keep no secrets from each other - then there is no reason why you should feel such overwhelmingly powerful jealousy towards this other woman. If he is honest and righteous towards you and wants to maintain a good relationship with the mother of his child - then he is a very good man indeed. You are avoiding responsibility for your own actions, saying that your husband made you check on him and so on and so forth, when actually you are creating this drama for yourself - you are telling yourself that you can't trust him and you are choosing to go through his things to check up on him which is unnecessary.
This activities will not comfort you in anyway - but what will comfort you is to exercise trust and faith in your husband, who has been honest and open with you, left this woman a long long time before he married you, and is trying to be a good husband and a good ex-husband as well and a good father. His good character should be a comfort to you, and you must learn to show patience and kindness towards this woman who is a mother, and is being nice to the father of her child for the sake of her child. This is a beautiful and rare thing - for a separated couple to behave so decently toward each other - this shows very good character and Iman, and you can also show good character by respecting this and seeing it as a pious and positive act rather than a negative one.
A note on partners and loyalty:
It doesn't matter how many things you check, text messages you read or how many rules or injunctions you have over your partner. An unfaithful person will cheat whatever actions you take to prevent it, and a loyal person will remain steadfast no matter how strong the temptation (see Surah Yusuf).
Therefore, there is no sense in driving yourself crazy trying to prevent something from happening. We have no power over the actions of others, we have only the power to control ourselves. Therefore, if your partner is a good one - love them, be good to them and be grateful for them and trust them and don't ruin your good relationship with your own fears and anxieties that they really do not deserve to suffer.
Peace,
L
Leyla, Surah Yusuf was a great reference to use here MaashaAllah.
JazakAllah Hairen, Peace and love to you Sister Z xxx
salam sister...i was just searching to find out if its right for a husband to talk with his ex wife regarding their son. and i read your story and i was surprised to see that it was very similar with mine and i needed a solution.
(I have deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
Sister ur thnkin too much. And this thnkin and suspecting things will hurt ur marriage. How about u tell ur husband tat if he wants to talk to his ex take it outside and not do it in front of u. And u need to trust him.
i am having the same problems my wife has 3 kids from her ex husband and her ex husband swears at her ives her threats to kill her kill me and even said our baby thats in her belly it rots and kills her to and even after all that my wife still is freindly with her ex and laughs jokes and makes a show o me in front of my step kids and disresrepects me and i do everything for her as a husband and go an extra mile and she makes me get more angry when i should get help to calm and laughs at me we both starting swearing at each other
As salamu alaykum, Brother Mokbul Ali,
Please, talk to your wife about your feelings, let her know how much all this situation is hurting you and try to get an agreement with her about respecting you in front of the kids and her ex-husband. Listen to her and if she wants to fight, don´t fight back, just listen and tell your points quietly, you don´t need a fight, you need to get an agreement and that she understand you are serious about it , insha´Allah. You need to have her respect back, for this be the muslim man you are called to be, pray, fulfill your duties as a true, strong believer and make dua to Allah(swt) to help you, talk to Him, find comfort and guidance on Him, insha´Allah, He (swt) will guide you to the best for all of you. Study the life of Prophet Muhammad(saw) and insha´Allah, follow his example.
"Abu Huraira reported: I heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: One is not strong because of one's wrestling skillfully. They said: Allah's Messenger, then who is strong? He said: He who controls his anger when he is in a fit of rage. (The book of Muslim, Book 32, Number 6314
Pray your salat and try to be closer to Allah(swt), read and recite the Quran, insha´Allah, if you guide your family towards Allah(swt) little by little, you will find Peace in your Heart and around you.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam alekom sister,
i can say i understand your situation. i live here in usa and my husband is still in egypt because of immigration issues, his daughter lives with him and from time to time i am told his ex wife will come with her family to see her daughter, that not a problem. this last trip when i was there i asked my husband no one to stay with us while i am ther, she came out to stay with his daughter while him and i left for a few days. but things were crazy and not to my immagintion, i can see clearly that she was trying to keep my husbands attention towards her, i sat on the couch with my hands on my cheeks and was upset while they laughed and joked in arabic so i would not understand. it upset me the whole time this happened and they would look at me and act like i had no reason to be upset about anything.
low and behold i found out what she did that caused a wedge between me and my husband while i was there. i made a stupid mistake and talked to her about some things and later on after i asked her not to say anything, she went to him and told him what i said for no reason at all. she told me she did one night after he got mad at me and left home for a little while. i was upset with her and told her she had no business to do such a thing. it was not her place to tell him this. she told me many things about my husband , her ex, and if he knew, he would be devastated. i didn't tell him she said that she never wanted to marry, never wanted to have a child, she said my husband acts like his father, i do not know his father and she told me private stuff. i told her i do not need to know this, our marriage is different from theirs. she was only 16 and he was in his 30's when he married her. i am 25 yrs older than her.
also if anyone can explain to me about the ex wife's etiquette around her ex husband when she comes to see her daughter, pleas by all means let me know because my belief is and what i understand thru islam is she is suppose to cover herself around him at all times, she is to not wear light clothes around him, she is not to be touching him in any manner nor he is not to be touching her either, yes?
every time i try to tlak to my husband abut it, he gets nervous and never wants to finish the talk. he will not even talk to me about our relations when i was there. it was like we were in fiancee stage again and made me feel less wanted by him but he will not talk about it. even the time we spent away from everyone ,he still did not touch me.
i know he loves me very much, i love him with all my heart and want to understand him but when he refuses to talk to me about things, i have to wonder.
Allah help me please!