My mother in law blames me of not taking care of my kids
Interfering mother in law
I am 26 yrs old with two kids. I live with mother n father in law. my father in law is a very nice man. Me and my motherinlaw had very good relations till the birth of my kids but then she started alot of her interference in me, my kids and between me and my husband.
Whatever i did to my kids was wrong infront of my mother in law.. She always complaint about my ways how i dealt my kids and i badly i dressed them up. I could not get it first and i used to get irritated.i had premature kids and she made me sleep with her for the first 40 days coz she helped me with kids all the night but i was very very uncomfortable during all this time, although i aksd my husband alot but he also said wait for 40 days and then u willbe back to me.
But i was very upset in that time bcoz she used to tell me am wrong in every step i took and complaint about how skinny my kids are and how dark they r. I used to get very hurt. Things changed and she started telling my husband about how i take care of my kids n i make them wear nylon clothes and how dirtily i wash their bottles and when i started lettin her do that all..
She used to tell everyone i take care of ur kids all the day n she just takes rest and after and year when i took my kids slowly all by myself she is not happy with the fact that i dont give her my kids. everyday she raises up a new prob and make her son get angry at me..
we end up fightin n she comes up n makes a sulah or gives me a hug n says why do u guys fight on such little things. my husband is a mamas boy but he is also nice but he listens to her and gets emotional because she cries when she complaints! We have maids at home for everything but even then she wants me to work,when there r no maids i do work but she is never happy with me infact in return i get to hear harsh words.
Most of the time i stay quiet but sometimes i reply her too which makes me a RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL DAUGHTER IN LAW. Now after 3 years, my husband thinks the same, i try alot to make her happy but her harsh words make me hate her. I dont know how to handle this situation.
My father in law is not a dominent husband and he is a type of a person who wud get angry at her wife and in a minute he will be fine and my mother in law doesnt care what he says to her coz she knows her sons are with her.
Please help me with this situation.Also my mother in law is very very fond of gifts and money and she wants everyone to praise her all the time.
~ Mrs.RM
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Salamualaikum,
Sister, I don't know, but I had a feeling that you might have been mistaken. It may be a misunderstanding that makes you perceive your mother in law wrongly. Maybe she is by nature who gets angry on small issues and is very protective about her grand children, and loves them a lot.
In this situation, if you separate your children from her, it is normal for her to get angry.
Even if she is actually wrong, I suggest you to have patience with your mother in law. Because if you continue your anger, then your children will grow up and will be out of question, but the bitterness will remain in her heart. And it could even effect your relationship with your husband.
Deal with her as if she was your own mother. I know it is wrong to shout at petty things, but if you deal with it with some patience, it could please her and even your husband. Just think about it. You could put a stain on your relationship by letting things go as they are, or cleanse the existing stains and refresh your relationships.
Per me, this is the best course of action. And Allah Knows Best
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Mrs.RM
As a man, I may not have the best advice, I hope some of the sisters can correct me where I am missing something or do not have the proper perspective. That said, ...
This sounds like the age-old story of a daugher-in-law not living up to the standards of a mother-in-law. This happens to many people. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this struggle, many women before you have faced it.
To me it also sounds like your husband may need to stand up to his mother a little bit more. This is a delicate thing. Living in tight quarters, there are bound to be frazzled nerves on occasion. He must help. However, he may not be able to for whatever reason. You can only control how you react to the constant criticism. It will be difficult, but Allah is always there, he will bless you for your efforts in this struggle.
However, her comments on "how dark they are" is unacceptable. They are the exact color that Allah has chosen, and you may gently remind her of that with a smile. Maybe something like, "I am so pleased that Allah has blessed our family with such beautiful children, with such great traits and good character. Alahamdulillah, He has chosen the perfect color to match their personality."
I would also respond to other criticisms in a similar fashion. If she makes a comment on how you are performing some action, instead of taking it as a criticism, take it as a loving mother-in-law who is trying to make up for mistakes she may have made, issues from her past in raising her family. Agree with her, and seek her advice. If you know she is going to complain about a certain issue, before she complains, go to her and say "Mother, I am having a difficulty with the children. I am worried they are too skinny as you have pointed out. I need your help and advice as to how to make sure they are healthy and strong. You raised such a fine son, I just want to do the same."
At every point, go to her and diffuse any possible criticism by asking for it before she offers it. This will be hard at first. If you go to her with sincerity when ask for her advice, and have an open discussion about your options and why you are doing certain things, it may help. It may take months to get over the previous hurt. If you develop a good relationship, you may be able to, in time, offer your suggestions for a course of action, and she may consider it and agree. But there will be MANY times where you will have to smile, and put up with interference. This is not fair, but your grace and attitude during such times will help to begin to make the family home life more peaceful. Allah will see your struggle, and knows your heart. Your efforts will not go unnoticed. In time, you may find that you have a great friend in your mother-in-law. If that never happens, you will still be pleasing Allah as you will be treating your mother-in-law with respect and love.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor