Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister may have lost her virginity

Hadith about Zina

Hadith about Zina


My sister has found herself in a really deep hole. please can you give me advise on how to help her or what she needs to do? she is not like this and this sin is very out of character for her.

My sister has been talking to another muslim man for 2 years now. They both are practising muslims Alhamdulillah and plan to get married soon. Both my sister and the boy are at the age of 20 and though my parents were happy with the couple doing a Nikkah in order to avoid any haraam doings, the boys parents were against this as they thought he was too young to even think of marriage at this age. the islamic thing to do would be to get the two married as soon as possible but this is not possible as his parents are not willing to be a part of this and my parents refuse to give there daughter away to a family where she is not welcomed. they don't even know my sister, what she looks like and who she is. they just don't want him to be married at this age. the boy has already been to our house and met my parents without his parents knowing.

Due to this circumstance and also due to human nature, my sister did something very out of character and so did the boy. They both believed that they were intentionally married and therefore thought it was alright to do at the time which is completely wrong.

They went all the way, however she says when it came to sexual intercourse she did not let the boy go completely in. she said she only let it go in about two centimetres before she felt too heavy and gusty and said stop. they both feel extremely guilty about this and have agreed to stop talking until they are able to marry. My sister has gone crazy over this because she is finding it hard to forgive herself.

My concern is what would my sister do if she doesn't end up marry this boy and had to marry some one else?

How can i tell her to repent?

What are the next steps she should take?

Her hym hasn't broken and the penis according to her did not go in more than two centimetres... so is she still considered a virgin?

Would she obliged to tell the guy she will end up marrying that she is not?

Whats should she do?


Thank you and jazakAllah!

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5 Responses »

  1. No sis...please do not tell anyone of your past.
    it is between Allah and your sis.

    however, it seems her virginity is still in tact.
    she has to repent and get close to her Deen now. there are several posts on how to do that.

    but again. DO NOT tell anyone about your past...Insha Allah it should all get sorted by itself.

  2. Asalamalekum,

    Brother, penetration of penis inside a vagina is a sexual intercourse, full stop! Regardless, if it was 2 centimeters or 20. Or either her hymen was broken or not, so if you or your sister is concerned that she is still a virgin. Than the answer is no, she has lost her virginity. For example, the hymen can be broken many ways without sexual intercourse, and if a girl who lost her hymen from horse riding before marriage is still considered a virgin, because a intercourse never took place.

    The best thing to do for them now is to get married, if i were you brother, i would force that guy to marry your sister. And what do you mean by "they both believed they were intentionally married" was there nikah recited, you can't assume you are married. A nikah needs to be recited verbally, and your father permission is required in order the nikah to be valid. However the boy doesn't require any permission according to marriage laws.

  3. This is what happens when someone refuses marriage, corruption takes over. They say haram has become easy and halaal has become hard. I blame the parents for this. Although one should not disclose their sin, I am a firm believer in a marriage which is based on truth and honesty. A lot of marriages fail due to that. So if your sister gets married to someone else, and he asks you then one should be honest and not lye. Not saying anything about your sister, whilst you fooling him indeed that is a devilish thing to do. Marriage is sacred.

    Corresponding with a guy for 2 long years, that is a problem in itself.

    Unclean women are for unclean men, and unclean men are for unclean women; and pure women are for pure men, and pure men are for pure women.

    You asked how can she repent? Du'a, lots of du'a. Ask Allah to forgive you. “And indeed We have created man, and We know whatever thoughts his inner self develops, and We are closer to him than (his) jugular vein.” (Quran 50:16)

  4. This is not as complicated as your sister (and you) is thinking. It has very easy solution.

    To find that solution - For a moment, just forget that "sexual act of few minutes". Just pretend, it never happened.

    Now, Let your sister to think, if she really love him, if she really wants to marry him.
    Let the boy think the same too. Can he marry the girl and live happy (with or without his own family permission)?

    There could be two solutions

    1. Wait until the boy become capable enough either to convince his parents or to marry the girl independently
    2. Forget the relationship. Marry someone else

    Also, whatever the decision is, your sister must NOT worry about being guilty and loosing virginity. In sex act, both man and woman are same guilty and have same sin. Both of them should ask forgiveness.. But they MUST NOT take any future decision based on that sexual act.

  5. Sister

    First of all its haram to have pre-marriage relationship (talk or look etc) even if you wish to marry through nikah. One will face the circumstance for such pre-marriage relation in the court of Allah and possibly in this life as well. Scholars says, she might be forsaken from the happiness in marriage life if Allah wont forgive. Hence, never support such relations.

    About your questions.. I am not advising, these are the words of islamic scholars which I learnt and transmitting.

    1. She should believe in Qadr (destiny) of Allah first. Believin in Qadr is the 6th & last fundamental part of eeman i.e one cannot be called as a real muslim unless he believe "Every good and bad id from Allah". No use looking up for something which Allah hasnt planned on her and no user use regretting for loosing the same. Also its stupidity to go behind something unrealistic when Allah kept her marriage life pleasure in someone else. You can convince her through such words of consolation. But never to re-think of having any illicit relation with him or running away with him. Its not love or attitude but mere beauty which makes one attracted towards opposite sex.

    2. First she should repent for haram relation along with for the act of near zina she committed. Remember sister, mere utterance of words never makes a thowba. Fundamental condition is that she should feel guilty of all pre-marriage relation and SHOULD give-up that relation. Otherwise thowba is not valid. Better she can sit quite. Let her repent to Allah with the intention of new start and Insha Allah, Allah will help her to forget that boy and will bless her in her marriage life.

    3. Repent. Then increase good deeds especially salah. Prophet of Allah said that continuous performance of good deeds will erase the ill effects of harams one did. She should determine never to share bed and even her heart with no one other than her future husband.

    4. Definition of virginity in islam is, if her hym is not broken she is a vergin. I would have shared a glad tidings with you if she would have backed off from such closer point by the fear of Allah, that she will be among those to whom Allah will shelter with the shadow on the burning heat on the day of resurrection. Intention of deeds matter a lot.

    5. She need not tell. And these should not be shared with anyone even to her future husband.

    Sister, these are the regulations of islam. I know you will feel bad to hear that she should give up and should go through deep depression in life. But think logically, we are muslims and unmindfully we do sins and involve in such relation even after Allah prohibited through clear lines. It is the mistake to disobey Allah and she went far away from Allah when she disobyed him. Now ofcourse, she need to walk back a long way to reach back to Allah. But Allahs mercy, "I will run towards you, if you walk towards me". Allah will help her on sincere repentance in her post break-up life and she will feel better off without him one day. These are islamic guidelines and always beyond emotions of people as a sister or brother. Prophet (s.a) asked companions to kill a women for committing zina and she accepted and obeyed and Allah accepted her repentance and she become a Jannathi. Moreover, its said, entire sky shivered and shook looking at her repentance.

    Pray for all of us.

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