Not sure what to do about my husband
he says he sorry, and then he does it again
Salam alaykum
I have been married for 5 years now, and I feel our relationship has got nowhere. My husband has been physically abusive and has asked for forgiveness and I've accepted. And then it happens again! For the last few years of our marriage he has also started gambling and I am now in debt from bailing him out.
I almost know that I should leave him, but something is holding me back (I suppose its that I have lived with him for 5 years) and I feel sorry for him.
I must admit I am not perfect and do lose my temper but most of the time only at what he has done and he then uses this as the excuse for hitting me because he can't control himself. I've also began to notice that we really have different opinions on life and don't really do much together because he feels uncomfortable sitting in restaurants or going to visit my family.
I would really like some advise on how I should tackle this, it's just constantly on my mind.
Salam Alaykum
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We are praying for you! Be strong and pray for God's guidance.
Assalamu alaikum Sister,
First off, know that you are not alone. Depending on where you live there are resources to help you get out of this situation if that is what you want. At least temporarily until you can decide how you want to move forward.
Based on what I have read you have been going through this for 5 years, Now it's time for you to make a decision. Do you think that you can convince him to go for counseling? If he is not willing to admit that he has a problem then I think that you should at least get a separation. Once you are no longer in the house it is very possible that he will see that he has made some serious mistakes, If that happens then counseling may be something that he would be willing to do. If he does not want to seek help then you need to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
One question I have for you. Are there children involved? If not it should make it much easier for you to make that separation from him. If you have children you can still move on but probably not as quickly as you would like.
The bottom line is this, what he has done to you it not acceptable. You should not feel sorry for him in any way. You can pray for him and ask Allah(swt) to guide him away from this destructive path that he is taken. You can also ask him to go for counseling. At the same time you need to decide what is best for. I can't tell you what do that is your choice. What I can tell you sister is that you have a serious decision to make. You can either stay and continue to feel sorry for him, and continue to be abused, or you can look after yourself with Allah guidance.
Remember there are people around you who can help. There are people on this web site such as Brother Wael, SisterZ and Sister Leyla. Don;t be afraid to reach to them. Also make istikhara.
Remember, don't seek out anyone's help until you have asked Allah(swt) for guidance first, Always turn to him first when you need answers.
Stay Strong!!!!
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
As Salaamu Alaykum,
Sister, you need to leave. Men like that don't change. I've heard this story a thousand times. Men who hit women are bad. They do not change. Therapy is usually a joke. Call the abuse hotline where you are and ask for help. Prayers help too. I suggest you leave. It can get far too out of hand and he may maul or kill you.
Leave sister, for your own safety! And DO NOT feel sorry for him. He has a problem, commit him to a gambling recovery place and leave.
I have been in your position sister and let me tell you that when you stay in a relationship where a man beats you it is usually followed by him manipulating you into feeling sorry for them. By asking for forgiveness it shows that he knows it was not ok. The message you are sending him is that it is ok for him to hit you. Whenever he hits you im sure you threaten to leave him and he apologizes, then once you take him back he starts it again because he KNOWS you will never leave him....and thats my point exactly. if you put your foot down long enough and not feel sorry for him you will realize that you are beautiful and do not deserve to be beaten for his mistakes.
i will pray for you, but no one can help you if you dont take the first step. Allah is showing you signs that he is not a good muslim and you have chosen to ignor these signs by staying.
People grow into the people they want to be, who do you want to be?
the woman that does not love herself enough to leave the man who beats her, or the woman that loves herself enough not to stand for this kind of torment?
selam aleykum sister
Dear Sister Summer,
We haven't heard back from you and I was wondering how you are?
Did the advice help at all? We understand that you are going through a difficult time.
Please do not feel you are alone; we are here to try and give you some practical advice aswell as moral support. May Allah give us the wisdom and sincerity to advise you in the best way possible.
So do write to let us know how you are when you feel ready to inshaAllah.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
sweetie, the guilt you are feeling is because you can actually feel and have a concsience, unlike your husband. leave him as quiet as possible. if he finds out you are leaving, he could get very very violent. a long, long time ago in abnormal psychology i learnt the cycle of a abusive man. there's the honeymoon phase when everything is nice and he asks for forgiveness, maybe gives presents, and things seem alright. then the abuse starts again. it's a cycle. the honeymoon phase makes you feel attached to him, when it might just be done on his part to hang on on to you or to manipulate you. if you have lasted this longgtg see u later.....brb later.