Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband’s sisters are controlling him like a robot!

emotionally depedant, in law, demanding

salam,

I am Gulshan. I need help because my engagement and nikah was done 2 years ago; my husband is not from my country.  We married for my the purpose of getting a visa. All of it was done so quickly that I didn't understand that family.

After two years time I came to know that my husband is like a robot and the remote control that is operating him is his unmarried sisters who are 50 years old. His sisters and his parents are completely controlling all their sons like a robot. His sisters use to lie to me all time, even they are saying one thing to me and telling my husband other things  like "your wife is like this". He also used to lie with me. Whatever his sisters say to him, whether it's right or wrong or that it will hurt me or my family he doesn't care. He only follows his sisters like a robot.

I am very confused on what to do. Please help my husband listen me, respect me and my family. My family is ready for my divorce, but I want to give another chance to my rishta.  The problem is that all my in laws never realize what ever they did was wrong, and they always say that they are right.  They think that they are only respectable, that me and my family are not respectable.

-Gulshan

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3 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    You can save your Rishta. You just do not argue with your husband even if he is wrong. You love and respect those who he wants to be loved and respected- even if they are his sisters. This way you will win his heart. Once you win his heart, the remote control will be shifted in your hand. But I know women are impatient and you will not be able to follow my advice for long. But if you are steadfast and keep my advice for months and not even years, you will see things come to your hand.
    But remember once remote control comes in your hand, do not use the robot (husband) against others as you think his sisters are using him against you.

    Best of luck my sister

    • dear irshad,
      i have tried living like that for the past 20 years, and still there was no change. Living like that not made me utterly miserable, but it was hurting our marriage and my husband all this time. Now I ask my husband questions, treat him like a friend and confidant. Instead of piling all the hurt in a mountain.in public i support him regardless of all else, but if there is an issue I immidiatly and privatly adress the issue at hand. I ask him so is it also ok for me to act this way, if this is normal for you. Slowly but surrly his eyes are opening, now if he does what they want, at least it is by choice!

  2. Dear Sister,

    Your problem is quite common. You can save your marriage by taking some wise steps.

    1.Work to improve your relationship with your spouse. as you said your marriage was done merely for sake of visa. and that you both belong to different country hence surely there will be emotional distance between both of you. you should perform all your duties as wife. Do not argue too much, even if he is wrong. arguments lead nowhere. you must first win his heart and trust. he has been under influence of his parents/sisters for years and its not easy for him to see the flaws and faults of them. so first improve your relation with him.

    2. His sisters being unmarried and old by age, must be having insecurities when it comes to you. his family might be of the view that you would take away their son/brother from them. they seem not trusting you. so you should work with patience to win trust of each & every family members. Give them respect, try to serve them to your best capacity, do not argue with them un-necessarily. praise them. Ask them/seek their guidance in day to day jobs. help them whenever and in whatever way you can. this will build your relationship with them. try to avoid what they do not like. your husband will notice everything that how good you are with them and might realize their faults and mistakes.

    3. Go with a nonjudgmental attitude and open mindedness. Begin with asking if you have offended them in any way. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is, in a gentle way. You can improve yourself or avoid things which causes conflicts.

    in doing this all, dont become like robot yourself that they start taking you too for granted.

    and one important thing, don’t ever ask your husband to choose between you and his family this will make him more resentful towards you. No man would bear this. It will merely distance between you and him.

    lastly would say to remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. be genuine in your efforts. think wisely and plan your action accordingly.

    insha-allah you will get success in your efforts, you will not only win your husband's heart but his family too. (Aameen)

    Your Sister.

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