Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tried Killing Myself After He Left Me

broken chains

We Broke-up...

Assalamu alaikum. I am asking you for answers. It's quite personal and I feel quite embarrassed myself but i have no choice. But I need adivce as I have attempted killing myself this week and ended up in a and e with damage to my kidneys, and I still have thoughts of suicide.

I am a single girl, my deen was strong but recently become weak.

Alhamdulillah I must say my life hasn't always been happy because of issues with parents marriage, but alhamdulillah I have always been content and had faith in Allah. Never did I ask why did Allah do this to me.

I've had to be the breadwinner for the family since the age of 20, I've been to university through all this and obtained a degree as well as working 12 hours shifts to put bread on the table. Dad always been violent with me and siblings and especially mum, he would beat us black and blue and leave us covered in blood.- but khair. Allah wills and it bought me closer to Allah swt as I could not confide in anyone else.

Last year I was made redundant from my job and became slightly distressed due to lack of finances and my dad got us in debt over the years, and I'm talking £500k worth debt, so all that was on my head. Alhamdulillah because of my duas and patience I got a job in oct last year, it was 10k less then my previous job - but khair Allah provides and he gives barkaah. Prior to the job I had 5 other interview all were rejected, it's only when I performed istikara this job was brought close to me, I didn't get the job but then the interviewer phoned me back a couple days later and said she wants me to have the job now.

Now this is where everything went wrong. Alhamdulillah I pray my salaah at work, and next to the prayer room I bumped into a Muslim practicing male. We have to exchange prayer room key with staff members so obviously there was a little communication. My job was at a college. A few weeks later my manager tell me that she wants me to work with him as in the college it is only the two of us, just me and him who support BME students.

I kind of had a feeling something will happen so I avoided it, however when my manager (a non muslim) said for the third time I had to listen to her. We started talking then ended up talking about islam and his Charity project and ways we can work together for events to raise money. I gave him my number so that he can enrol me for some courses at college that staff get access to- biggest mistake of my life!

This is where it all went wrong as I realised after some whatsapp convos just how amazing he was and he felt the same way about me. However we still tried to keep it minimal. Just a month after on whatsapp we kind of told each other, and we would have more meetings at work. And because I had my creative talents I would help out with events and raise money and help with collecting clothing donations from homes. Something I've never done before. And I did so Much for charity subhanAllah see how my istikara was answered? I found my perfect husband as well as increased my deeds in charitable work.

Because this was serious we decided we need to keep it halal so I told mum just a month after and she met him and loved him and still adores him- this was January time. He took aid to gaza due to their crisis for two weeks in February. He was my dream husband and he said I was the wife he was always looking for. I pray and cover, and he prays and has a beard and dresses modestly also.

Now he has like 16 siblings older than him, his mother is elderly, father has passed away. I have a very small family. Hardly any cousins, no nieces and nephews. He has more politics in home unlike me. He only told his sis in law about me, but not anyone else. Reason being there was a marriage he was trying to get out of, he was with another girl he knew for three years his family were aware of. She lives like over 100 miles away. But they would always argue and it just wasn't working out, she wouldn't adorn the hijab as she felt she wasn't ready. When she first met him she didn't know if she was Shia or Sunni. So he taught her about islam, but she still didn't wear hijab or pray regular.

When he came back from Gaza his fam were worried about his safety so decided we need to get him married to that girl otherwise he will go on jihad next. Wedding talks started right away, and he tried many times to tell the girl 'look I don't love you we can't marry' and tried tell his family however they were not prepared to have any of this. He was literally forced. As for the girl she saw my pictures on social networking (which I'm no longer on) and must have realised something was going on, and questioned him and alhamdulillah now she wears hijab and jilbab to try and win him back?

I made so much dua sooo much. Salatul hajat, tahajud every night, completing whole Quran recitation and this was for like three months. I'd cry on my prayermat, I gave sadqah I tried everything. I didn't even eat food this ramadhan as I just prayed instead and sat ithikaaf. I ended up making myself ill.

now i weigh 6 stones at the age of 26, I'm off work 3 months now, I have developed a critical health condition and ulcers in stomach and have to be tested for cancer regularly because of stress and skipping meals. I have severe depression and struggle with salaah. I havnt got motivation at all.

My family think I've got over it, they don't know how suiciadal I am or about the cancer. My gp knows I'm heartbroken. I have walked away from all my friends just have one friend and him I still text sadly. If I tell my parents that I'm depressed my dad will go to his house and tell his brothers and it will all Kick off and his mum who is elderly could have a stroke or something else harmful. I'm just really lonely, he knows what my health is that's all.

I feel like I've let mum down, she's really upset at what's happened. And I'm really ill and depressed. Why did he enter my life? We kept it halal? So why this punishment?? His nikaah isn't until another 5 months. In'sha'Allah a miracle happens. I want to go back to the old me doing stuff for the community and be my happy cheerful self.

All I can think about now is google search: how to kill yourself at home astagfirullah. I worked in mental health 5 years and always helped people get out of depression. And here's me now, can't walk on the road myself without fainting, on strong antidepressants, always crying about how messed up my life is. And my brother is a Qaari (reciter and memoriser of Quran), and look at me. A disgrace, a loser, in my families eyes and most importantly in Allahs eye. Allah hates me and that's why He didn't answer my dua. I'm 26 and never ever liked a guy before. Never at all. This is the worst mistake of my life

We were together just three months that's all! However he kept giving me hope that he will marry me and he will create a chance and will sort it. He promised he will marry me. Sadly he never realised that his family can be so cultural as they felt that because he's known her three years even though he isn't happy he has to marry her.

He only told me end of August I can finally walk away, but then I fell seriously unwell and he kept I touch. He changed his job also to keep away so that's good. But why did this happen to me? I prayed istikara time and time again and get positive signs.

- neem

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39 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    When we have faith and dare to say it is strong, my dear Sister, it gets tested. You, me, many of us, we believe our faith is strong, but then when events weaken us, hurt us, break us, we wonder where we went wrong. Maybe we didn't. Sometimes it is that statement "I am strong in my faith" that is being tested through very difficult trials. Trials of money, trials of health, trials of turbulent feelings. Nothing is easy. If a student claims that their performance is exceptional in their subject, would they not be expected to be tested? Would we just allow people to become doctors or engineers only based on their word? The thing is, you are being tested in all sorts of ways, and, it is very challenging by the sounds of it.

    About this boy that you really like, he has his own challenges and people make promises all the time that they can't fulfill. Humans break promises all the time, sometimes on purpose, sometimes because of circumstances beyond their control--just another reminder of how ultimate attachment of love and remembrance should be with Him, Allah swt. Your interaction with this boy represented the thing that you beleived that you needed in your life to escape from all the pain you already had at home--especially the unreasonable expectations of paying off your father's debt or withstanding his abusive behaviour. This boy made you have hope that you could get away from it all--now that that dream is shattered, you feel trapped again and you feel that it is hopeless to dream or have hope.

    What I can offer you is another way to see it. Maybe instead of putting all your hope in this boy, put more hope in yourself. You sound like a hero yourself. Helping your family out the way that you are, and you sound like a person with great potential--an obvious target for shaitaan. shaitaan is just trying to find his way to break you until your faith is diseased--meaning that your faith is not only questioned, but also that was perhaps misplaced. Return to Allah once more. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time and sometimes, one moment at a time. You are human.

    Remember, being a practicing Muslim doesn't mean that we will never face difficulties. For some Muslims, praying is a challenge, eating halal is a challenge, observing hijaab is a challenge--the challenge and adversity isn't an indication that we are wrong, it means that we are being tested for proclaiming our strong faith in Allah---because how else could we prove it?

    Try to get counselling and take care of yourself. Suicide only looks like a choice when you have a choice--after that, I am sure you know it would lead to more hardships.

    May Allah give you much strength and help you to see what should be prioritized in your life and faith, Ameen.

    • Yes I understand sister, but why did Allah do this? Why introduce me to him? I know ill never get over him. My feelings were and are so strong for him. I just live in hope everyday and every second that one day he will come back to me In'sha'Allah, if not in this dunya then in the akirah In'sha'Allah.

  2. as salam o alaykum

    I have submitted a question almost 15 days earlier(i am not sure about that).I want to know if i edit it again then will it lose its position in the queue and will become last post again or it will remain on its position in the queue?
    Also I want my post to be private.I have written this on the top.Please do not post my question publicly.


  3. OP: there was a marriage he was trying to get out of, he was with another girl he knew for three years his family were aware of. She lives like over 100 miles away. But they would always argue and it just wasn't working out, she wouldn't adorn the hijab as she felt she wasn't ready. When she first met him she didn't know if she was Shia or Sunni. So he taught her about islam, but she still didn't wear hijab or pray regular.

    Consider yourself lucky he did not become sexual with you. In my opinion he was just trying to use you.
    Regarding your ulcers, did your doctor test you for hecobacter bacteria? Antibiotics can help if becateria is causing problems. Cause of your emotional problems is your father's behavior and your family probelms.

    Please eat well, learn to relax. Hope you will find a better man to marry you. Use you experince in mental health to help others.

  4. Coming from somone in the same situation trust me when i say i know how you feel. I know it's easy for people to say move on and forget him but I know how hard it is to try and turn off how you feel especially when you are emotionally involved but sister you have been blessed that allah saved you that you were only with him for three months and he saved u from the sin before things got far. He saved you from a worse situation, you could have been with him for years in a haraam relationship but allah took u away after only three months. Allah loves u and could have let u stay with him fornyears and had gotten nore attached before he left you, or he could have used physically how would u have felt then?.things wpuld be even worse. Please don't ruin your health for him. He won't be the one to provide for u. He won't be the one at your bedside when u r sick. I know it's easier said than done but don't think about the future or if or whys why he did it. It won't change what he's done and u csnt go back. Take each day as it comes. Eat a small breakfast and healthy lunch. Try to regain ur health. Pray ur namaz. It's normally to feel sad i feel the same but u cant take ur life. U dont have to see him everyday and i know it doesn't feel like it now but ur pain will fade. U wont ever forget but u will move on. Allah put him in ur life as a reminder never to cross his boundaries and like u said it started innocently but sha it an makes it easy for us to sin and think nothing of it. Please be strong sister. I had a really good advice from a sister zayriyah from this site with many others and i do dua allah rewards them in their advice to me and I know how weak and alone u must feel but please u are worth so much more tHan a man who didnt value u and who could hurt you. Repent. Ask allah to forgive u and heal.ur heart. Ur never alone. He is always with you. He could have taken ur life before u got a chance to repent. Please please take care of yourself and confide in a close friend or family to help u through this and support you. Allah wull place the right man in your life when he time is right. U have been through so much already jusy hold on ur time is coming and iA all this pain will make sence.

    • Jazak Allah khairan sis for your response. Masha'Allah what you said is right. But sister I can't bear to see him with his wife? Do you know how much that will hurt me sister? It's the worst thing ever for me. It woudnt be as bad if he married another girl but not his ex. I'm so heartbroken sister, he was amazing and I know that nobody will ever replace him x

      • I had to stand back and watch the man i was with for 4 years get married to the girl he was secretly engaged to for 4 years. I was with him and he didn't tell me he was engaged. He two weeks before he left to get married. I know how it feels. I was so distraught at the thought of him being with somone else. It's the most painfull thing. you say u wouldn't mind if it was anouther girl but not his ex but reallt does it matter one is forcing him to be with his x. If he wanted he could step away. No one can force a man into marriage. If he wanted to be with you over his ex he would have been with you. You say he is amazing. How can you think of him as amazing when he led you on in, gave u false hope and left you. Is that what u want in a husband a man you cannot trust who will let u doen. He may appear to be the perfect man but no one is perfect everyone has flaws. He may regret what he's done to you but he made his choice. If allah has written for him to be with u then he will end up with u but if he meant to be with his x no amount of praying or duas will bring him to you. It says in the quran surah baqarah i think you may like a thing which is bad for you and you may hate a thing which is good for allah knows and we do not. You may think he was good for u but there's a reason u didn't end up with him. You wont see it now for ur heart is in peices. U have been through so much so young u need man who makes u a priority not an option. Do u really want to be married to somone when his heart is with his ex? If he felt that stronglying he wouldn't have left you. Dont do dua for him to come bk do dua that allah brings the right person in your like who will help bring u closer to allah. If he is meant for you he will come bk in your life. Please don't dwell on things. I made the same mistake. I know it's hard. You think no one will replace him but allah never takes away something to burden us. He will always replace it with something better if we put our full trust in him. When u feel sad or thing that really helped give me peace was to get wudu...and read quran along with its translation...take deep breaths and let go of what u csnt control and put the burden in allah hands. I know u must have an ache in ur heart and u feel u won't ever find anyone like him...but that's the sha it an trying to make u feel weak after ur sin.

        You can either dwell in this misery and let sadness consume you...stop eating continue to cry and let urself down by causing harm to ur body by not eating and let this ruin u or u can get up and and let this shape u into a stronger person have faith and show allah u trust him and are tha k full to him. Get up do wudu and pray issha 🙂 make a new start tofay and start fresh. Make dua for allah to heal ur heart and bring what's best for u in this life and neXT. Try not to miss ur prayers no matter how down u feel even if ur heart isn't in it. Eat a little meal every few hours even if u have to set a reminder in ur phone. Read 2 3 pages of quran with translation after each salah. When thoughts of him or his wofe come..divert it..I k ow it will be hard but do not allow urself to think or waste time on dhikr, read a book, listen to lectures, surround urself with things that make u happy

        My thoughts are with you, in ur duas

        You can do it. I know you can. I was even worse and maby i still am but I'm healing abit each and every day and of i can help somone through my mistake and pain i guess it was worth it. If u have allah you have all u need. Trust me. U will be okay. Don't let him ruin ur life. U sound like a loving decent person and u deserve the best and u will get there in sha allah.

        • Jazak Allah khairan sis that was such a beautiful response. But he's hurt me a lot sister, I'm not an evil person but I don't wish to see him happy I want to see him suffer in this dunya after what he has done to me sister. Will I see this? Xx

          • And my dua has to be answered sister. Allah makes miracles happen and they say dua is the weapon of the believer! Xx

    • And sister his wedding (nikaah) isn't until a few it wrong to beg Allah to have him back in my life? Can't I still have hope that he will comeback?

  5. Assalam Aleykoum Sister Neem,

    I pray that you would find counsel in my efforts to contribute to the many great advices provided. I couldn't say better than Sister Saba. However you asked this question "Yes I understand sister, but why did Allah do this? Why introduce me to him? I know ill never get over him. My feelings were and are so strong for him. I just live in hope everyday and every second that one day he will come back to me In'sha'Allah, if not in this dunya then in the akirah In'sha'Allah." Of which I would like to answer based on my own experience.

    I was 28 years old when I was approached by this brother. Wallah I was so naive like an eight year old when it came to men. Prior to meeting this man, I used to feel pure. I dreamed and believed that no man would touch me except my husband. But then I was tested. I wasted three years of my life with a man who ended up marrying someone else while weeks prior to his nuptials, he was carrying on with me. I had posted here before so you can read my story further on my post. My point is that, I too asked and questioned Allah's SWT decree. I wondered why Allah SWT would lead me to this man who played me when I had such pure intentions and kept myself away from haraam. Why did Allah SWT test me in this way?

    During my healing process I learned to never question Allah's SWT decree. I learned that I was so focused on my self pride of being pure that I forgot Allah SWT. And I also learned that when someone is so stuck on anything other than Allah SWT or fear of losing something, then we get tested with the exact thing that we are so focused on or the same thing we fear end up losing it overall. Allah SWT in the begging and in the end ultimately wants you to turn to HIM and none else. That is why we are tested.

    I admit, that I failed my test. But I also know that Allah SWT will never test you without a solution. When I began to realize that I cannot change Allah's SWT decree and that nothing is in my hands to control, I began to really focus on Allah SWT. Of course I would falter here and there but still I never turned my back on Allah SWT. I accepted my mistake, asked Allah SWT for forgiveness, began working on forgiving myself and as hard as it was, I started forgiving that brother.

    When I let go... I felt calmness.

    Look at it this way Sister Neem. You have not violated your body or came close to zina (physically). So your hopes should be high. Two, MashaAllah you are so young, 26.... Still your hopes should be high. However questioning Allah's SWT decree is like committing shirk. So abandon that and place your full faith in Allah SWT. This brother (from your post) has not violated you in a bad way. In fact he took a major step of leaving his job to get away from the mess and continued talking to you just because you were ill. Say Alahmdulillah that Allah SWT loves you so much that he didn't send you a jerk of a guy who would emotionally/sexually/financially abuse you. Allah SWT can never place a burden on your soul unless you can handle it.

    Turn to Allah in the darkest of the hour and cry to HIM. Make a resolution to fight your nafs that is being triggered by shaitan and tell yourself that what happened is by the decree of Allah SWT and accept the situation.

    Second step would be for you to take care of your health. Love yourself and dont abandon or let yourself down. Eat well and dont skip meals. Get better physically and treat yourself mentally by doing as much dhikr and salah. I listen to lectures by my favorite Islamic lecturers. I would look for topics that would relate to my condition and I find great relief from that.

    Third: Cut this brother lose. Lose his contact. Dont be angry with him and in fact leave him in a pleasant manner. Forgive him and forgive yourself for any regrets you may feel. But above all, ask Allah SWT for forgiveness and ease. I dont think this brother is a bad person but you have to realize that somethings are not meant for you. Don't judge this other sister harshly and pray the best for them. When you make dua for others even your enemies, and I mean sincere duas, the angels would reply "and the same for you". Let Allah SWT plan His plan knowing that nothing bad can ever happen with the decree of Allah SWT.

    Fourth: Find a support group. I use my older sister for support and she has been wonderful Alhamdulillah. Ask Allah SWT to send you some support and InshaAllah you will find relief. Once you start feeling normal, go on back and begin to live again. Allah SWT will send you the right one knocking at your door. Do not waste your duas on this man but instead make dua for yourself to get back to your normal self or even a better you InshaAllah.

    My pain came from betrayal. I remember making dua to Allah SWT that I should see this brother one day admit and realize his mistake. Wallah! After a year and after I had completely started to forget him, out of the blue this brother contacts me on my new work's ph # (how he got it? beats me) begging me to get back with him (Aoudhubillah). Allah SWT is Just. And no oppressor can get away in this world or the hereafter without the consequences. So have no fear Sister that Allah SWT is with those who are sincere in repentance and worship.

    Finally! abandon the thought of suicide. No human is worth your life that was created by Allah SWT. If you were to die then die in the name of Allah SWT and only by His decree.

    My sister, Wallah! I was in a very painful state at one time and never thought I would ever get out of it. But I did and only by the grace of Allah SWT. Have faith in Allah SWT, and I promise nothing will ever go wrong. May Allah SWT give you ease and shifa'a. You are in my prayers. Ameen


    • Correction: Allah SWT in the begging and in the end = Allah SWT in the beginning and in the end

    • What a wonderful answer SisterZahriya...I have similar issues that you have wonderfully adressed, and I felt better after reading your post.
      May ALLAH SWT bless you.

      • Sister Leyla83,

        Ameen Sister for your duas, Ameen. I really pray that we Sisters can stay strong in our tests. Remember that also these brothers are tested too. May Allah SWT make it easy on all of us. Ameen.


    • Beautiful reply MASHAA ALLAH.
      I am going through similar situation i wonder will that man ever come to me and ask forgiveness. I know whenever i felt doubtful or uneasy about anything ALLAH helped me out ALHAMDULILLAH.

      But this is the very first time i am not finding any solution. I can't control myself as i am thinking about that man 24/7 and that man is not at all guilty. I am losing hope of justice but somewhere inside me i know ALLAH is just. I am just stuck.

      • Assalam Aleykoum Sister Fizaa

        I am touched that I am able to reach out to you too. I really hope and pray that we all can become a healer of some sort to one another InshaAllah.

        Sister, remember that we women are a very emotional creatures and that is where I realized my weakness is at. When I love, I love hard and then I succumb to that love :(. So instead I am learning to love Allah SWT 100% and not humans because humans can let us down. Try listening to brother Mufti Ismael Menk on "Neverl let anyone control your heart". its a wonderful lecture that applies to our condition.

        Your solution lies in NOT thinking of him 24/7. How to do that? When thoughts of him cross your mind say: "Aoudhubillahi minashaitani rajeem". If it overwhelms you then take wudhu and perform two raka'ats of sunnah. Occupy your mind with thoughts of Allah SWT whenever you start thinking of him. I would make dua and say "O Allah SWT, controller of the hearts and mind, my Creator! You alone do I worship and you alone do I seek help from. Please forgive me, guide me and protect me from my weakness and the whispers of shaitan. Please Ya Allah SWT help me get better and remove any feelings/thoughts of this man from me. Ameen". You can make up your own dua too that relates to your condition.

        Find things that are an interest to you and that you love doing. I get addicted to korean 😉 so I sometimes watch that. Then I used to sometime get reminded of him then I would walk away from my computer and play with my nieces and nephews. I would also engage in talking to my mom and siblings etc.I never missed my Salah and Wallah after a couple of days, it got easier. I had started to forget him completely.

        Once you heal you will start feeling normal InshaAllah.

        Dont worry about that man. When you start living again and feel normal without thoughts of him, he will one day realise that you are no longer interested in him (like a sixth sense) and that is when they come back...but by then you would have moved on. So don't worry about him and focus on yourself InshaAllah. Learn to never give your heart to any human. My sister (the one I use for support) said to me... "Dont give 100% of your heart to anyone other than Allah SWT. Even your own mother or children, give them a few percentage. Because they are human and can either die and leave you behind or just plainly let you down. She said to me "leave 50% for yourself, so that when you are let down, you still have the 50% for yourself."

        May Allah SWT give you ease and grace you with contentment InshaAllah. Ameen

        • Sister zahirah please respond below xx

        • I was on the same route with him today... Everything was same like it used to be, even my feelings were same but he was like a stranger... Every time i try to move on same things happen like they used to be except this man.

          What should i do in these situations? Everyone says move on and try not to think about him but it is of no use. Whether i think about him or not, he is not thinking about me... These are the worst situations of my life. The more i try to be positive these scenes happens and i lose hope.

    • Jazak Allah khairan sister for such a beautiful response! And yes Allah protected me from
      Zinah! I was only with him a few months! But sadly still have feelings for this guy, I don't know what I did wrong?! Sister I'm not an evil person, but look what he's done to me!! He's destroyed me mentally and physically, he got mine and mums hopes up! I want to see him suffer in this dunya not just the akirah! I can't wait I see him suffer how I have! And I want him to come back one day and beg me for forgiveness! Wallahi I do and hopefully I can say 'too late, I've moved on!' Promise me this will happen sister! Xx

      • Sister Neem,

        I cannot promise you anything because that is part of Ghaib which is only known to Allah SWT. So I cannot tell you the future.

        You say that you are not an evil person then why are you thinking evil things for this brother whose only sin was not keeping his word? He is human and has no power to control over qadr. So if Allah SWT meant for him to marry another girl when he had already promised you marriage, see it as a lesson learned. Which is, to place faith in Allah SWT alone... all faith and to accept Allah's qadr for you.

        Stop dwelling on this brother and InshaAllah focus on only you. Please read the advices provided by everyone and reflect on them. They are good words of wisdom and support.

        May Allah SWT grant you ease and contentment of the heart. Ameen


        • But sis look what he's unfulfilled promise has done to me? It has destroyed me completely sister! I was always healthy, full of confidence and like you never been near a boy. Why make such promises if you know another girl is on the scene?? Why do I have to watch him move on? It really hurts sis! I can't explain how my heart feels shattered! Xx

          • I know it hurts...I have been there. The pain is excruciating. I feel you. You dont have to watch him move on.... but instead LET HIM WATCH YOU MOVE ON.

          • What I'm saying is, he gets away with it starting a new chapter in life and here's me fighting for my life

          • No one "gets away" with anything. If they have committed a sin, they are held accountable by Allah. All good is rewarded, and all evil is punished, even when you do not see it.


          • It seems like you are my reflection or something as you using exact same wordings i used to say that why not he suffering, why me? He has moved on and here i am stuck etc... The point is people come and go for a reason. When he came in my life i was fighting with past problems but when i started feeling for him i just forgot every past problem and started a new happy life but then he deceived me and moved on. Why he has gone, well i still didn't find the reason behind that as i am still stuck in his thoughts and miss him badly.

            But you have to MOVE ON for your own self. You want him to cry but first you stop crying for him and be strong. My dear i know your pain, your questions everything as i am also the same victim but the solution to our problems is to follow the advises of these people.

            As SisterZahriya said, she has gone through the same and ALHAMDULILLAH she is fine now, we can hope that we'll heel soon INSHAA ALLAH. Just remember whatever comes in your mind against anything, just ignore that don't lose hope.

            May ALLAH bless us all 🙂

          • Assalam alaikum Sr. Neem,

            You have written:

            he will perform hajj and repent and Allah will forgive his sin, he didn't commit shirk. He won't be accountable in the aqirah.

            If your concept about Allah's justice is skewed, it will be impossible for your to feel peace. Can a fish imagine what it is like to be a human breathing air and not living in water? Can we, mere humans, hold the capacity to imagine how Allah swt will forgive His creation and YET, give us justice? What if Allah swt offered you something in exchange for your pain and suffering, do you think that an offer by Allah swt would be something that anyone would consider turning down?

            Do not forget that Allah swt doesn't just know what we need, want and desire, but He knows MORE than what we THINK we need, want or desire.

            I just want to understand why Allah introduced me to him in the first place??

            I suggest that you read the Quran carefully and pay close attention to the stories of Hazrat Yaqub, Hazrat Moosa's meeting with Hazrat Khizar, and Hazrat Ibrahim (peace be upon them). You will find that Allah swt tests us with those things that make a place in our heart and we feel pain at their loss. Truly, Allah swt wants to know, is it that our hearts yearn more for our Creator or for His creations? This, the love for Allah swt, can't be proved with words, but instead with patience, sincerity, and returning to Him again and again and again, even in the heartache for ephemeral things.

          • Thank you Saba for answering the sister's questions. I thought about answering but you did better than I could have.


        • "You don't have to watch him move on.... but instead LET HIM WATCH YOU MOVE ON."

          MashaAllah, one of the most wonderful words of wisdom I have ever heard. Jazakillahu khair, Sister.

          • Didn't you feel at the time he's won and I've lost out big time?

          • Wa Antum fa Jazaakum Allaahu Khayran brother Issa 🙂

          • Wael- he will perform hajj and repent and Allah will forgive his sin, he didn't commit shirk. He won't be accountable in the aqirah. I just want to understand why Allah introduced me to him in the first place?? We met outside the prayer room during salaah...wallahi I thought Allah introduced me to my future husband!

  6. By Ehab Hassan

    So you finally came to your senses. That girl or guy you've been talking to is not the best thing that's ever happened to you, and definitely not helping you advance or get closer to Allah. You know it's wrong, you want to get over it, you want to move on, but it's just so hard and no one understands you!

    Insha'Allah, it's all going to be alright. I've heard it all before, especially working with youth. It may be the single most difficult sin to convince someone to leave. I knew a brother who left Islam for a girl, because when all else fails, this is the last arrow Shaytan throws at the believer because it works. And that's why we need real, practical ways to just get over it.

    The fact that you're here and reading this is a step in the right direction. You may not think so now, but you WILL get over it. After all, Allah tells us:

    “As for the one who is conscious of Allah, He prepares for him a way out. And He provides for him from sources that he could never imagine.” (Qur'an 65:2-3)

    The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) tells us in a hadith that Allah says: “When my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running.” (Bukhari)

    You're probably thinking that getting over a relationship can't be as easy as people make it sound. Especially since Shaytan spends his days and nights trying to make the forbidden so beloved to you. He convinces you that lust is love as he makes your heart skip a beat when you see that special person's name – in your email, on your phone, or on your Facebook account.

    But believe me when I tell you that you're stronger than that. Move on, work on pleasing Allah, and you will have no regrets. But just to make things easy for you, here are 21 practical steps you can take to get over that haram relationship, divided up into seven categories:
    Just Knock it Off
    1. End the Relationship Cold Turkey

    Enough with the games already. Stop dipping your toes in the water and jump in. If you think you're going to try to “downgrade” the relationship a little bit, then forget it. Someone asking for advice once said that he thought it would be a good idea that instead of hanging out as often they would just talk on the phone and meet for coffee every once in a while. It simply doesn't work. Stopping cold turkey is the first step. In fact, it's the only real step that you have to take. The rest of what I'm going to share is simply how to manage yourself after you take that step.
    2. Don't Keep them Hanging On

    This is not the time to make a deal. No putting thoughts in each others minds about “when the time is right”, or “let's revisit this if neither of us are married by the time we're 19.” They may try to do the same to you. Don't let it happen. This will make you both miserable, will make things harder, and will make it impossible to move on.
    3. Cut the Cord

    Delete all the emails, texts, Facebook messages, phone number, voice mails, and anything else you have that reminds you of that person. Avoid situations where you will run into them as much as possible. Avoid talking to them in general, and definitely not without someone else present. Don't try to find out what they're up to, and stop cyber-stalking them. So quit looking them up on Facebook, don't follow them on Twitter, and knock off whatever other sneaky ways you have to find out what's going on in their lives.
    4. Tell Them it's Over… Like for Real

    If you must have that last conversation to tell them you're moving on, then do it. Do it over email and keep it short, sweet, and not open ended by any interpretation. Don't leave things for them to respond to. End by telling them it's something you have to do for the sake of Allah. And ask them not to contact you. The sooner you do this the better. If you're in the early stages then it's much easier to stop. Relationships progress and before you know it, you could be in over your head, and it's not as easy to end it (though always doable).
    Control Your Emotions

    5. Turn the Radio Off

    This is not a debate about the permissibility of music. One thing that's for sure though is that music will spark certain emotions when you're most vulnerable. Every song will be about you two. Just lay off of it for a bit and give yourself some time off.
    6. Stop Wondering

    Don't keep wondering if they're thinking about you, and don't give them the opportunity to let you know that they are. Let other, more important things occupy your thoughts. Don't allocate an hour to stare at your ceiling before going to bed. Read a book instead. Assume they're doing fine without you, and hopefully they'll assume the same about you. Keep your dignity.

    7. Know They Were Never Right for You

    If something starts off wrong it doesn't just become right with time. Realize that you never really loved them for the sake of Allah, no matter how much you thought you did or what MSA event you met them at. You need something that started on the right foundation.
    [Updated] This should discourage anyone from starting something wrong. However, if you're currently in an unislamic relationship, and marriage is right for you, then you can always repent and start anew on the right foundation —with the right intention for marriage and with the correct etiquette.
    But make a decision now, and don't continue to build on the same foundation you started on.
    Fill That Void


    8. Let it All Out

    Talk to Allah and tell Him how you feel – in whatever language you know how. Cry to Him if you want to. Do whatever you can to get closer to Him. So if you weren't already praying tahhajud every night, take some baby steps. Allah has an open door policy.
    9. Do What You Love

    Do things that you actually enjoy doing. Yes, it's critical to do acts of worship, but also do things that you really love to do. Play sports, go hiking, head to the driving range, watch a movie. Fill your time with things that will engage and fulfill you – and keep your mind from being where it doesn't need to be.
    Rekindle Your Relationship with Allah
    10. Quit Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

    Let your love of Allah fill your heart. There is a fulfillment that you will never get from people that only the Most Merciful can fulfill. Know that He has always taken care of you when you had nowhere else to turn to. Ask for His forgiveness and put your trust in Him. He will not neglect you. And don't be afraid to be alone sometimes… just you and your Creator.

    11. Make du'a' for Something Better

    You know the story of Umm Salamah whose amazing sahabi husband passed away, she made du'a' for something better and ended up marrying the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him). So know that Allah is the best of planners. And ask that He grant you someone who will bring you closer to Him and make you happy. Just live your life so that you deserve it. After the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) died, Ibn Abbas [ra] was said to increase in fasting and prayer. When others asked him why, he said

    “I want to get married, and I read the verse: 'Pure women are for the pure men, and pure men are for the pure women.'” (Qur'an 24:26)

    Quran 24:26
    12. Follow Up with a Good Deed

    “Verily the good deeds erase evil deeds.” (Qur'an 11:114)

    Quran 11:114

    So you feel like you slipped and messed up. Follow up with something good. Give charity. Pray at night while others are sleeping. Feed the hungry. Fast some extra days. Just be thankful that Allah saved you from something that could have gotten worse. He is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.
    Let's be Rational
    13. Stop Dreaming about Marriage

    People spend way too much of their youth thinking about marriage. It's even a phenomenon with religious youth – actually, maybe even more so with them since they'd rather think of marriage than something haram. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Allah says:

    “Let them who find not the means for marriage remain chaste until Allah gives them means by His grace.” (Qur'an 24:33)

    Dream big about other things and accomplish something real. Your whole life, and especially your youth, is not about you being attached to someone else. You're an individual. As the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “take advantage of your youth before your old age. (Reported by Al-Hakim)”
    14. Take Time to Evaluate

    Evaluate what really makes sense in your life with regards to marriage. Is it really the right time for you? If not, is that time soon? Are there things you have to accomplish before you're ready? Get the advice of good, righteous, and knowledgeable people to help evaluate. Use this time to develop your relationship with your parents. Get their take on things as well and talk to them about how you feel. You'll get great insight and build a stronger relationship with them.
    15. Know that This Too Shall Pass

    One of my teachers once told me that all things in life start small and grow, except for the calamity, which starts big and only becomes smaller. You'll get over this with time. You'll look back and wonder what your problem was and why it was such a big deal at the time. And know that leaving what is haram will only make your marriage stronger when you do find the right one by the grace of Allah.
    Be a Better You

    16. Rediscover Yourself


    Discover your talents. Get into things that you've always wanted to try but didn't. Develop your skills in something you enjoy. Take time to do things that will be tough to do once you get married and have less time for yourself.
    17. Do Things to Feel Good About Yourself

    Take care of yourself in these tough times – your mind, body, and soul. Read a book, study hard for your classes, eat healthy, get exercise, drink a lot of water, dress nicely, listen and read more Qur'an, listen to a good lecture, volunteer at an Islamic function… basically, anything and everything that normally makes you feel like you've accomplished something good. Be kind to yourself.
    18. Learn About True Love

    Learn about what halal love really is. And yes, it exists. It's not what you think and it's not how Hollywood portrays it. Real, halal love is the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) crying when he saw the necklace of Khadijah raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) long after her death. It's when she supported him when the whole world turned its back on him. It's wanting your spouse to do good so you can spend eternity in paradise together. It's not meeting a girl at a party and killing yourself because you can't be with her (sorry Shakespeare). Learn what true love really means and you'll get over any haram relationship real quick.
    Get Support from Others

    19. Get a Role Model

    Hang out with and talk to respectable young, religious, happily married people. Get their advice and use them as an example for yourself in your life. They will help put things in perspective for you. Ask about their stories of how they got married. Ask them for advice and learn from them.
    20. Lean on Your Friends

    That's what friends are for. Now you finally have an opportunity to develop stronger bonds with your brothers and sisters (brothers with brothers and sisters with sisters of course, or you missed the whole point of the article). It will be much easier now to spend time with them and make each other better people. You won't always have this luxury.
    21. Be Among the Righteous

    Be with people who you know would not want you to be in that haram relationship. The friend who tells you you're a fool for cutting things off is the one you want to avoid for a while. If one or more of your righteous friends knew about the haram relationship you were in, then talk to them and let them know you're moving on. It's a good way to encourage yourself, and insha'Allah they will encourage you. If they didn't know about it, no need to make confessions. Just enjoy your time with them because it will make you a better person.

    I ask that Allah make us all strong. That He strengthens the marriages of those in our ummah, and keep us away from all that is displeasing to Him.

    Ehab Hassan is a Muslim youth activist and Islamic worker. He has served on several councils and boards of various Islamic organizations while concentrating much of his efforts in youth work over the past 15 years. He strives to motivate and connect with Muslim youth and families by delivering sermons, leading discussions, and organizing creative community activities. His passions lie in Islamic manners, family development, and sharing heart-softening stories, as he tries to get the world to feel something – because people can be so numb sometimes. By day, Ehab is a Mechanical Engineer, and by night he is a family man trying to maintain his status as the world's best dad. Ehab resides in Maryland with his wife and three young kids.

  7. Salam sisterZahriya,

    Your advice is so very helpful o me too. I could envisage the pain that you have gone through and how this has strengthened your relationship with Allah swt. I'm proud of you sis. I pray Allah swt Blesses you with a life filled with contentment.

    Sister Neem- I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. It is indeed a rest from Allah swt and there is much to learn from even pain. I loved my husband much, looking back now even more than I should have. Like sister Zahriya when I love, I love hard. It became all consuming and difficult to see the reality. I placed him on a pedestal and thought he was perfect. But far from it.

    When he divorced me after 4 months of marriage I felt broken, humiliated, fooled, stupid. I agonised over every fault of mine; my intelligence, deen, beauty, every character of mine, should I have done this, why did I not say that, why was I not like this. SubhanAllah it can become soul destroying when you allow another person to define you, to judge you. It is incredibly self destructive to think that another persons actions is all to do with us. So because he left me I'm not good enough. Because he didn't want to talk about our problems I'm not clever enough. Because he didn't want to stay with me I'm not beautiful enough. But far from it. A human being who is filled with faults himself cannot define or judge you.

    Rather this was not meant to be. You have to chose whether you want this man under any circumstance, even ones that may lead you away from Allah swt or you can choose to be patient, strengthen your relationship with Allah swt and have hope in Him.

    I was married sister. My ex dealt with me and my parents in a very poor manner. Yes I cried, I felt very low in my mood, and I felt terrible. Your heart feels so heavy it feels as though it's difficult to breath. I started sleeping a lot to just not have to be awake and think about it. I'd sit and cry on my prayer mat or whilst driving to work. But if you remember Allah swt and turn to Him you will find that the pain starts to ease away. Right now your mind is frantic thinking about him and how to be with him. But he's only human and cannot guarantee or give you happiness. Happiness comes from Allah swt Alone.

    Look sister a few months ago I could hardly smile. I'm now ok Allhamdulillah. I laugh! I wake up in the morning and feel good. I do things I enjoy doing. I still think of him but now I can manage my thoughts and I can see the reality of things. I continued on my road and am working on myself. I'm happier than when I was with him. I can see all the problems for what they were and how incompatible we turned out to be. I was about to quit my job but now I want to go to the top Allhamdulillah. I didn't think I'd feel this way anytime soon or even if at all. I look forward to marriage and a family but am not stressed about it. When the time is right and the right person comes to my life I'll be happy inshAllah and make the most out of it.

    I would advice you to take care of yourself and see that your purpose in life was not to be a wife to such and such man. It is to worship Allah swt and be the best muslimah you can be. Being a wife, mother, sister, friend should all lead you to being a better muslimah and closer to Allah swt.

    Please don't be disheartened. Many other sisters as well as myself are or have been right where you are. We know how you feel. And for the ones of us for whom the dark cloud has lifted we know you'll feel better. I know you will sis.

    Please always keep away from non mahrams and only interact with them under Islamic guidelines. The shaitan is always the third party when you mix with a non mahram.

    May Allah swt Ease your pain and give you that which is better for you, ameen.

  8. m working women....

  9. @all of you


    Thankyou very much to all of you for your contributions to the above issue.My dear brothers and sisters I'm also suffering for quite some time now with the same issue and your responses have enlightened my view to some extent as well.I'm going through the most hard time of my life which is too much stressful and i have even lost my weight around 10kgs and just dont know what to do.I just had the most beautiful days of my life with a girl whose a co-student and I do believe that she loves me and will come to me eventually INSHALLAH.Although there are considerate amount of tensions arising i.e we haven't talked for 2 months after being with each other for 8 months,she rejected my proposal but wanted to stay with me but i left(although i do love her),our families are from different ethinic groups(this being the major issue between us)etc.I do think of the girl all the time as 99% of my circle makes me think of her as they all were involved in helping me in one way or another and basically the reason why my belief is so strong is that she made me realise that i can be a good man and she inspired me in achieving something as before that life was just not meaningful.After meeting her I started feeling bad about the sins I so easily committed before and i just thought of it being a way provided to me by ALLAH(SWT) to come on the right track and I still do believe so.

    Its my humble request to all of you brothers and sisters to pray for me and I even say to most of my friends to pray that "ALLAH please make her my life partner and even if YOU didnot wrote her in my life then please write her now as YOU can do anything YOU please","Make her the one me and my parents want her to be".Although I know that if ALLAH doesnot accept my prayer than she wont come to me but I still believe as this is something that i'm doing with a pure heart and intention for the first time in my life INSHALLAH my ALLAH will hear my begging.So I request you all to take a few seconds out and pray for me.

    I'd really like to tell you to believe that what ALLAH has decided for you will be the best for you and you just have to believe that you give it your 100% try and INSHALLAH something miraculous would happen and even if it does not then it means that it will happen in future.I'd also request you never to pray negatively for anyone irrespective of their deeds as when you say you love someone than it means you are going to do what ever is in his or her best interest even if they are not with you.The girl that I'm talking about sat with me for 8 months,talked to me on the phone sometimes for hours,and many other things but now for the time being we haven't even spoke to each other for 2 months even after many face to face encounters but i'd never pray anything against her whatsoever as i love her.

    I request you all once again to pray for me and forgive me if i wrote something wrong as i came here by surprise.MAY ALLAH HELP US ALL IN SHOWING US THE RIGHT TRACK AND MARRY US TO THE PEOPLE WE WANT TO BE WITH.

    Your brother,

    • Jazak Allah khairan brother AJ. No brother I'm not cursing him or anything like that. It's just so hard for me to move on, how can I possibly move on from this tragedy?! He was my best friend and my soul mate...he was my everything...we've cut down communication, it's like we don't know each other anymore, it's like we are enemies.
      I honestly had hope that my Duas would be answered I was sincere and persistent in my Duas. Yes I know that everything in life, the good and bad has already been pre destined by Allah, but I also read a Hadith that dua can change fate, so why didn't it?? It's going to break my heart when I see him with his wife, it's the worst feeling ever.
      I can't and don't see myself moving on. I know that say I did get married be it 10 or 20 years time, I'll end up divorcing my husband because I'll just keep comparing him to my ex!!

  10. Salaam, please can the administrators remove this? Alhamdulillah I am in a much better state than before, I don't want my husband to read this as it is so obvious it is me

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