Please help me, who should I choose between my parents and him?
Assalamualaikum
About two years ago, I met someone and we fell in love. But I knew that my parents were never going to accept him, and we both agreed to break up later when our families will choose our partners. After some time, they got me engaged to someone else. But I still could not let go my love. So we continued to talk even though i was engaged.
I love him deeply and cannot go a day without talking to him. At that time, he understood that this would not go on for long. but lately he has been telling me to break off the engagement and come with him. But this is something that I cant do. It will be humiliating my parents and disappointing them. And on the other hand, there's him who has always been there for me and who understands me.
Please help me in this situation. I do not know anymore what to do. I miss him but I'm so scared of the consequences. And also, I would be doing wrong towards my fiance and his family. It may sound like I'm a bad person, but there is nothing dark going in my heart. I don't want to hurt anyone but somehow someone will be getting hurt. Please help!
- Maryam14
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Maryam, Walaykumsalaam,
Make tawbah for being in a relationship before marriage as this is forbidden. And then - if you and this boy still wish to marry one another, tell your parents and break off your engagement. I am assuming that the boy you say you love wants to repent, wants to marry you and is a striving Muslim with a good character?
Sounds drastic? But so is the situation you are currently in and it'll only get worse if you continue lying to yourself. Be true to yourself and to the person you are engaged to. Your parents will yell and be upset if you tell them, but the situation will be out in the open and will have to be dealt with. After all the dramas, they will have to calm down and accept what you want. On the other hand, if you marry one man while you are in love with another, you are being unfair to yourself, to your husband and you will be starting your marriage on a lie.
Sister, I know its frightening, but come on - no more secrets. Start by telling someone like an uncle or aunt in the family. If you have made sincere tawbah to Allah, ask Him(swt) to help you, make your choice, perform Istikhara Salaah, make your secret known to your parents and then put your trust in Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
First of all, you should perform Salatul Istikharah.
Secondly, if the person you intend to get married to is a righteous person (and intends tawbah for what he has done), then you may try speaking to your parents about him. And if the person you are engaged to is a religious person, or a person who is not a misguided one, then you have to go ahead with your parents' choice. The responsibility of your relation is on them and according to the ahadeeth, the situations I mentioned above do not allow you to go against your parents.
May Allah give you strength...Aameen
Further, read this to ease your decision (A question posted on Islam QA website):
If a girl loves a boy from afar, has she committed a sin?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam came to close the doors that lead to evil and sin, and is keen to block all the means that may lead to corruption of hearts and minds. Love and infatuation between the sexes are among the worst of problems.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/129):
Love is a psychological sickness, and if it grows strong it affects the body, and becomes a physical sickness, either as diseases of the brain, which are said to be diseases caused by waswaas, or diseases of the body such as weakness, emaciation and so on. End quote.
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/132):
Loving a non-mahram woman leads to many negative consequences, the full extent of which is known only to the Lord of people. It is a sickness that affects the religious commitment of the sufferer, then it may also affect his mind and body. End quote.
It is sufficient to note that one of the effects of love of a member of the opposite sex is enslavement of the heart which is held captive to the loved one. So love is a door that leads to humiliation and servility. That is sufficient to put one off this sickness.
Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/185):
If a man is in love with a woman, even if she is permissible for him, his heart remains enslaved to her, and she can control him as she wishes, even though outwardly he appears to be her master, because he is her husband; but in fact he is her prisoner and slave, especially if she is aware of his need and love for her. In that case, she will control him like a harsh and oppressive master controls his abject slave who cannot free himself from him. Rather he is worse off than that, because enslavement of the heart is worse than enslavement of the body. End quote.
Attachment to the opposite sex will not happen to a heart that is filled with love of Allaah; it only affects a heart that is empty and weak, so it is able to gain control of it, then when it becomes strong and powerful it is able to defeat the love of Allaah and lead the person into shirk. Hence it is said: Love is the action of an empty heart.
If the heart is devoid of the love and remembrance of the Most Merciful, and is a stranger to speaking to Him, it will be filled with love of women, images and listening to music.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/135):
If the heart loves Allaah alone and is sincerely devoted to Him, it will not even think of loving anyone else in the first place, let alone falling in love. When a heart falls in love, that is due to the lack of love for Allaah alone. Hence because Yoosuf loved Allaah and was sincerely devoted to Him, he did not fall into the trap of love, rather Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Thus it was, that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, (guided) slaves”
[Yoosuf 12:24]
As for the wife of al-‘Azeez, she was a mushrik as were her people, hence she fell into this trap. End quote.
The Muslim must save himself from this fate and not fall short in guarding against it and ridding himself of it. If he falls short in that regard and follows the path of love, by continuing to steal haraam glances or listening to haraam things, and being careless in the way he speaks to the opposite sex, etc, then he is affected by love as a result, then he is sinning and will be subject to punishment for his actions.
How many people have been careless at the beginning of this problem, and thought that they were able to rid themselves of it whenever they wanted, or that they could stop at a certain limit and not go any further, until the sickness took a strong hold and no doctor or remedy could help?
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (147):
If the cause happens by his choice, he has no excuse for the consequences that are beyond his control, but if the reason is haraam, the drunkard had no excuse. Undoubtedly following one glance with another and allowing oneself to keep thinking about the person is like drinking intoxicants: he is to be blamed for the cause. End quote.
If a person strives to keep away from the things that lead to this serious sickness, by lowering his gaze and not looking at haraam things, not listening to haraam things, and averting the passing thoughts that the shaytaan casts into his mind, then after that something of the evils of this sickness befalls him because of a passing glance or a transaction that is basically permissible, and his heart becomes attached to a woman, there is no sin on him for that in sha Allaah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope”
[al-Baqarah 2:286]
Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (11/10):
If that does not result from carelessness or transgression on his part, then there is no sin on him for what befalls him. End quote.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (147):
If love occurs for a reason that is not haraam, the person is not to be blamed, such as one who loved his wife or slave woman, then he separated from her but the love remained and did not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. Similarly if there was a sudden glance then he averted his gaze, but love took hold of his heart without him meaning it to, he must, however, ward it off and resist it. End quote.
But he must treat his heart by putting a stop to the effects of this love, and by filling his heart with love of Allaah and seeking His help in that. He should not feel too shy to consult intelligent and trustworthy people for advice or consult some doctors and psychologists, because he may find some remedy with them. In doing that he must be patient, seek reward, remain chaste and keep quiet, and Allaah will decree reward for him in sha Allaah.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/133):
If he is tested with love but he remains chaste and is patient, then he will be rewarded for fearing Allaah. It is known from shar’i evidence that if a person remains chaste and avoids haraam things in looking, word and deeds, and he keeps quiet about it and does not speak of it, so that there will be haraam talk about that, whether by complaining to another person or committing evil openly, or pursuing the beloved one in any way, and he is patient in obeying Allaah and avoiding sin, despite the pain of love that he feels in his heart, just as one who is afflicted with a calamity bears the pain of it with patience, then he will be one of those who fear Allaah and are patient, “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost” [Yoosuf 12:90]. End quote.
See also questions no. 20949 and 33702.
And Allaah knows best.
Walaikum salaam Sister Maryam,
Considering the advice above from SisterZ, I wanted to ask you, Sister Maryam, the following questions:
You said that you knew that your parents would never accept him. Why is this? Was there a defect in his character and/or his level of piety? Is he ready to accept the Straight Path of Allah (swt)?
Another thing that strikes me about your post is that he is asking you to leave with him. I do not know if these are his exact words, but has he proposed marriage to you? Anything short of that is a sin of course, and you would be wise to be cautious about anything he suggests that would put you at risk both physically and spiritually.
If he truly understands his responsibility to you, then he will be ready to propose properly to you and involve your parents, as well. As a young woman, you need to acknowledge that anything less than this is harmful and callous to your dignity as a woman. Also, if you have no sincere feelings for your intended husband, you must inform him despite the social taboo. Again, this is to save you from being an oppressor to him and his respective family.
You have been left with this decision by this man, so the only decent request you can make is for marriage and nothing less. Running off, having an illicit affair or continuing this one will only hurt you, everyone involved and will demean your status in the hereafter. Dear Sister Maryam, the correct course is proper marriage to the man who is willing to partner with you in the Grace of Allah (swt). Do not sell your dignity, obedience and jannah for anything less, no matter which man should be your husband. In this case, find the man who is near to Allah (swt) and you will be assured that this will be the best man for you.
walaikum musalam sister
U wont believe it, but im actually in the exact same position, well was anyway, a few weeks ago. Get closer to Allah, learn about more about islam, the beauty of marriage. U cannot go on like this, u have to end it with one of the two boys. as time went by, I became more closer to Allah, alhumdulullah, and now I havent got any romantic love for that boy, and yes, I did 'love' him deeply, cried for him like crazy, but alhumdulillah I have realised now that that was just a trap by the shaytaan in which me and that boy fell into.. Sister, our true and unconditional should be with Allah, let go of any haram relationships, and sister our true romantic love is our spouses, 'love' before marriage is just an infatuation.
My fiance isnt really the kind of husband I want for myself, coz I want someone who is pious, and he isnt so, and so I dont wish to marry him, now I cant even break the engagenment easily, coz of humiliation, but I dont even wish to marry him. I dont have any bad for anyone at heart, just like u, and I dont wish to hurt anyone either. Right now, im just praying to Allah, and trying to sort this matter in the best manner possible. I think if ur fiance is good, then I totally understand how hard it must be for u right now, but im sure u will be happy later after marrying ur fiance, if u dont want ur fiance because of there being something about him that u dont like, and u feel that even if u didnt have that other boy in mind u still wouldnt have wanted to marry ur fiance, then islamically ur parents have no right to force u for marriage
I understand, we are in a difficult situation, my advice to u is to...
1. Leave haram relationships. Try doing dawah, teach others as much as u know, learn more about islam, pray and so on. If u leave something for the sake of Allah u will never regret.
2. Breaking engagement is not easy, im in the same boat as u, the only difference is that I have let go off the one who I supposedly 'loved' , and even if my engagement breaks with my fiance, I wouldnt want to marry the other boy, I would actually want to marry someone who is pious. Now, I have genuinely changed, but yet, I know that my fiances family wont understand that. My family though they will be upset with me for breaking engagement they will still break the engagement wheather they want to do so or not, the only consequences I am in fear of is humiliation.
I dont know what advice to give u sister, im stuck on what to do myself, but increase ur knowledge of deen and speak to someone knowledgeable regarding ur situation. Whatever u decide, plz just think realistically and thoroughly about ur future, and think well, discuss ur situation with a good alim and may be even a family member that u trust.
I am in the situation as u, I dont know how to break the engagement, the only difference between us is that I have realised my mistakes and I have learnt from my experiences and I have got out of shaytaans trap alhumdulillah. so plz listen to my advice, and leave haram relationships, u will regret later. I know how u feel, I totally understand, but do what is right in islam.
May Allah guide us all, and give us righteous spouses. Ameen.
Mashallah
I thought love before marriage is always an infatuation, but I dont know, so I wont comment on what sisterZ has said. Allah knows best. Anyway, we may not have much control over our feelings at times, but u do have control over ur actions. So take wise actions, because u will be accountable for ur actions.
Erm when I said ' leave haram relationships, u will regret later' I actually meant leave haram relationships, or else u will regret later. im sure people would have got what I was trying to say, but i kinda have OCD so I just had correct myself
May Allah guide us all. Ameen.