Difficulties in balancing our families after marriage
I want us to be fair to both our families... but he prioritises his.
Salaam,
My husband and I were recently married in the last few years. We have been having the constant issue of finding a balance between both families. Whenever he wants to spend time with his family, go on vacations and do activities with them, I happily comply. When I want to do something with my family, he makes it out to be such a burden and makes me feel really bad about it…like he doesn't care that I have a family too.
Recently, we got into an argument about spending Eid with my family. Since we have been married, he has spent every Eid al adha with his family (about 3) and the first Eid al fitr we spent only a few hours with my family and the remainder with his. The recent Eid al fitr, he spent the entire day with his family. I left in the afternoon to spend the evening with mine and he refused to join me. I explained to him that for the next Eid, it is my wish that we spend it with my family so that they do not feel ignored. He became very upset and said that he would not spend it with my family and that I am the girl and I have to integrate into his family and adopt his family traditions.
It really upsets me that he doesn't realize that my family has their own traditions that I would like him to have exposure to it. He and I are our own family now and I feel like we are losing the chance to make our own traditions. Before we were married we agreed to find balance but he refuses to work with me to come to a compromise. I feel like because he is constantly forcing me to do things with his family, it is starting to make me feel resentful towards them, and I don't want to have that darkness in my heart. It upsets me very much that he thinks my family is below his (because I am the girl-his exact words), and that he doesn't have to comply with my wishes and requests and it is really starting to impede on our marriage.
How do I get through to him to help him understand that he needs to be fair and not constantly make me feel like I come second? It has really been affecting my self-esteem and how I look at my husband.
Jazak-allah
amico
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As-salamu Alaykum,
Sister, you are not wrong to want your husband to compromise and spend some Eids with your family, but try not to make it a point of struggle between the two of you. In some cultures, a woman might spend one day of the Eid with her husband's family and one day of the Eid with her own family. A man might stop by to greet his in-laws, but he might not want to spend the whole day. This is cultural stuff, and I am not saying it's right or wrong, but this is how some cultures are, and some husbands do not get too involved with their wives' families. I understand that can be hurtful, but I don't think this usually happens because the husband doesn't like his in-laws. It might be that he just feels awkward or shy and doesn't feel that his place is in his wife's family's home. If you are able to talk to your husband and understand where he is coming from, you might eventually feel that you can accept it if your husband doesn't spend Eid with your family...and you might even look forward to the Eid as a day you can spend with your family alone. I know the Eid is not the only issue here, but this is all I had time to write. Hope it helps a bit.
Assalam alaikum,
I agree with Sr. A above and don't think you should turn this into a big struggle between the both of you.
When the topic comes up again or he is ready to listen to you - perhaps ask him if he would want his own daughter, along with her husband, to visit on Eid or would it be ok to practice what he is practicing right now? Be tactful in your question and avoid being argumentative - perhaps this question may get him to think beyond culture a bit more.
The both of you are newly married - he may feel that he needs to show you his decision is the last in the marriage as during the early parts of marriage, a couple is still negotiating their "terms" of living both through verbal communication and action.
Try to take it easy and do your best and inn shaa Allah, with time, the both of you can learn and grow together towards the things that make you both happy.
@Saba
he may feel that he needs to show you his decision is the last in the marriage as during the early parts of marriage, a couple is still negotiating their "terms" of living both through verbal communication and action.
Try to take it easy and do your best and inn shaa Allah
Excellent points!
Assalamualaikum
Just to add my two cents to the pot.
It may entirely be that there is not much interesting going on in your family and he just gets too bored.
For instance my wife is the only sister with several brothers around my age and I love spending time with them. I myself have several brothers and a very young sister. My wife has a really hard time mingling in my family. The lack of cultural familiarity further compounds her boredom when we try to spend time with my family.
It definitely is a bit frustrating but maybe you can have an honest conversation with him instead of asking for a tit for tat.
Regards
True - sometimes it is just as simple as family dynamics. Good point.
Im sorry to say that your story is almost exactly like mine. The first time I wanted to leave my husband was on the day of EId. He was mad why I made him leave the salah a little early because my dad wanted to come over before he had to go to work. I didnt make "enough effort" to say hi to his mom blah bah. It was such a horrible horrible day for me I spent the entire day crying. Later that day I had previously planned an outing with my friends with all kids for Eid to exchange gifts. I was only allowed to go drop off the gift and then we had to go to his familys house for dinner. It was so anoyying frustrating and depressing.... 4 Eids later, we have kind of found a balance. It took alot of time, tears and effort, but somehow you have to try and work through it. Sometimes its still an issue. Last Eid I wanted to do something with my friends and my husband didnt so I didnt end up going. If this is the only issue of this kind with you and your husband then you can just figure it out as time goes, but if he says things like "because your the girl" there might be more underlying issues. It small now but if you have a child with this mentality itll be even harder.
Like my husband is jealous of the way my daughter acts with my mom oppose to his mom. My mom always buys my daughter things, hold her, changes her, feeds her and plays with her so she is soo much closer to her. My MIL never did any of that . And he gets mad when I dont want to leave my daughter with his mom when Im always dropping her off to my family. Its such a hard balance. I know what you are going through and this is, for me at least, one of the hardest parts of a marriage.
If you have any more issues I wouldnt mind talking about it, I am going through the same thing.