Should I go for arranged marriage or ask for love?
I am a young muslim age 16, but from a young age me and my sister were 'promised' to this family with boys a little older than us, I was promised to the older one who is four years older than me although I do not want to marry him and we do not get along, I tried to talk to my dad but he was oviously upset so I didn't bring up the topic again. I once heard that if a marriage is forced then it would not be 'real' and sex afterwards would be ziina, would this be the case if I married him?
I began to like his brother who is two years older than me, although he is promised to my sister, I began to like him more and after the years I began to love him, and want to marry him rather than his brother. I don't know how to tell my family as they would all be upset, including the boy who I have been promised to.
What should I do? Please, I need advice fast. (our families are close friends and we have known each other for many, many years since we were younger)
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Dear Muslima_Gurl, Asalaamualaykum,
I think you are asking for trouble by allowing yourself to become involved with the same man that your sister is engaged to. If you continue to pursue this path, you will most likely cause breaking of ties, between old time family friends, two brothers and between yourself and your sister. Is it really worth it? Surely there are more important things to pursue. When making decisions, it is always best to take in to account the wider picture. So I will advise you to steer clear from your sister's fiance. From what I can see, it will cause you only grief, and Allah knows best.
If you are not happy about marrying the man whom you are engaged to, then it is completely wrong for your father to force you. The Prophet(saw) forbade that a girl be married against her will. It is inhumane for you to have been engaged without any consultation and that at such a young age too. If your father does not listen to you, tell your fiance that you do not wish to marry him. There is no need to disclose that you desire his older brother, this will only cause problems. Hopefully he will break off the engagement. If he does not, then you need to find the strength to stand your ground, by maybe seeking help from other family members. At the same time, it will be better for you to keep your distance from this other man as not doing so has led to part of this current sticky situation you are in.
Sister, all the above aside, take some quiet time out to contemplate about why you are unhappy about marrying the man you are engaged to (apart from that you desire his brother); I am referring to his character and deen. I say this because breaking this engagement is also a life changing decision you are making and where you have been forced into this engagement and were not allowed to express your thoughts previously, it would be good for you to now make a calculated decision. You are young and seem naiive, but with some effort on your behalf, you can start to make positive choices in the right way.
Teen years are a tender age and a time when you need strength and guidance from your parents. But unfortunately, your parent's thought process is clearly overtaken by culture instead of deen. Hence, I will try to help you inshAllah by telling you that some of the best qualities to desire in a spouse are that he/she be: God fearing, striving to be a good Muslim, humble, kind, intelligent, polite, hard working, honest, compassionate, loyal. I wonder if what you feel for this man is not actually 'love' but 'lust'.
Hopefully you will be able to work on your eemaan and character to strengthen yourself enough to choose the right spouse, to speak to your father with confidence, to deal with such matters with dignity and to most of all remember that you are a Muslim woman and your goal in life should be to please Allah. At the same time, always seek guidance from Allah(swt) and do Istikhara before making any choice. Furthermore, look to our beautiful Mothers Maryam(ra), Aasiya(ra), Khadija(ra) and Aisha(ra) for positive role models inshaAllah.
I also want to take this opportunity to remind you of the importance of observing both internal and external hijaab when interacting with the opposite sex. What you may think are just innocent conversations and glances at one another, can easily develop into more as you have experienced as now your feelings have developed for a man who is betrothed to your sister. It is Shaytaan who shoots this arrow. This unnecessary conversing and glancing is forbidden in Islam and inshaAllah you will always adhere.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salamualaikum sister,
Wow so much is goin on.
I don't get how parents just go ahead and promise their daughters to someone at such young age
They dont even know how will the person even turn out.
You can not force anyone to get married.
For its not a real marriage.
How did u manage to fall in love with the younger brother.?
Is your sister okay with the alliance?
Talk to ur sister, tell her u don't like the older bro and u fell for the younger one.
Make ur parents sit down and calmly tell them, how u truly feel.
This is a serious, marriage is not a game.
Tell that to ur parents. Tell them its ur future in the line
Okay they r ur parents friends, but family relationship is more important then friendship.
So sit them down, calmly tell them, tell them how u feel.
Inshallah they should make the right decisions.