Arrogant revert daughter in law
Culture clash
I am asian muslim mother with revert mixed race (black jamaican/white) daughter in law. She has two children one girl and one boy. She has been with my son for approx 9 years she claims. She has only been living with us for 12 months.
She took her shahada 18 months ago i think. With no nikkah she became pregnant again I could only think to have them get married as soon as possible before the baby was born. She took her shahada again on her nikkah and i was witness to that. (the little girl was born 2002 when she was not a muslim and she did not want to marry my son at that time.).
I accepted her into my home as a muslim, she wore the jilbaab and hajab she was appropriately dressed. I went against my family judgement to accept this girl but i gave her the benefit of the doubt, i gave her a chance.
I have known her for 12 months now, and i find her very arrogant. She does not help in the house much. She cooks sometimes for my son, I still do the main cooking. It has taken her this long to understand to be clean and keep her bedroom clean and clean up after the children. If she does clean up she has only done it about 5 times since. She has demanded a house from us. I have bought a house but i am reluctant to give it to her or my son.
She has taken the hijab off, she is in jeans and short tops she has apparently stopped reading about islam because she says when she finds her deen inshallah she will be ok. She does not work for anything in the house, my husband any myself we provide everything, she is not working, she is claiming benefits and living off that. We dont take any money off them like rent. We babysit the children without question.
She celebrates christmas with her family and easter just gone. She says she does not actually celebrate she just wants to be with her family. We have had heated arguments mainly about her cleanliness and untidyness and she thinks I am a horrible person because I keep picking on her. I am not. I just want her become a better person. She wants to learn in her own time and make her own mistakes.
She does not respect our home. Our house looks like now they have lived in it for 12 years nevermind 12 months. I am asking her to cover her hair at least but she says does not want to give false impression. I dont understand this. But when I tell her things that she should be doing as a muslim woman she does not like being told what to do. She says she knows already and she wants to bring her kind of Islam to the children. I don't know what that is.
The little girl is going to mosque at the moment. Yesterday the little girl was watching wrestling on tv with her mother and my son, and I said to my son not to let watch this program it is not appropriate for her. I have said this many times before to them and I think she took it the wrong way and she kept the children away all day, she has done this few times before. This is very hurtful of her.
I managed to get myself on to the right path of reading salah 4 years ago before she came, she does not know that I have been reading my namaaz, she thinks because I have not been reading while she has been with us that I dont actually read. In any case she has accused me of being 'not all that' muslim type of person.
I pay my zakat and alms I give to charity all the time, but she has turned my household upside down and I dont know whether I am coming or going. I have not been able to read during these 12 months, until now I have started again because I find solace this way.
She prefers to communicate through my son. He does not say anything, I know he just wants to keep the peace. I am not saying anything yet because it will be blown out of proportion. I feel my husband will feel the most pain because he loves the children too much, especially the boy. The little girl even though she goes to mosque, her mother says that she is still english.
I don't know whether now I should just tell her to leave our house take my son as well because she has said to me that he will choose her over me any day. She should not have to tell me that I know that anyway, she is his wife after all.
My family was right all the time, meaning my mother and father, they knew about her somehow and I did not listen. My husband and I are on our own with this, we have not told anybody our problem. My husband has sat down and spoke to her at length, it just goes in one ear and out the other. She does not accept islamically what he is saying or she is afraid to admit that he is right. Mashallah he is knowledgeable on islam. He has left it for now and hoping that she will come round.
So what do I do with this girl. We have only one son. We are in our 50's and 60's. My son was married to a proper muslim girl before, she was my aunty's daughter but he divorced her and married this one. I fear we will lose the grandchildren. So I am preparing myself for this. I have to say that she walks and talks with the deepest arrogance like she has God-given right to everything.
I don't know what else to do.
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Salaam, I would like to acknowledge you for all the kindness you are giving to your children.
I have lived with people in the past and it is very difficult to synchronise yourselves to fit together compatibly - especially when everyone is adult and even more especially when there are children. People have different standards of cleanliness, different times of hunger and thirst and can become very resentful about having to fit in with someone elses timetable and standards - they feel trapped and imprisoned and rebel against it with bad behaviour and what can come across as insolence.
I think that is most likely the case with this girl - as she is not free to do, say, eat, wear what she wants to and she is rebelling with disobedience and rejection of your ways.
Really your son and daughter-in-law need to be living elsewhere for you to be able to have a good relationship with them
Peace,
L
This may be a test for you---Will you trust in God? Give your problems to God and let him handle it---in the meanitime be patient, compassionate and merciful. Islam is on the inside---it is not a dress that makes you a good Muslim, it is how you are as a human being. Focus on your Islam instead of hers---at least you will set a good example for your grandchildren.
Also---if you are living together---set boundaries and responsibilities. For example---what is her space---it is her responsibility to maintain---what is your space is yours to do as you please. Set up cooking schedules or what have you----that means you will have to make the sacrifice and eat whatever she cooks when it is her turn!----or make arrangements so she cooks for her family and you cook for yours.......etc The same goes for your grandchildren---rather than letting them dump on you whenever they please---you have a right to be with them for a fixed amount of time---be it everyday, or on the weekends----the rest of the time---the responsibility of the children is on your son and daughter-in-law and avoid interfering though you may find their methods unorthodox.
Learn to respect them and teach them to respect you....and leave the rest to God.
I accept and agree with all you have said but the dress part. Showing ones midriff, tattoos all and sundry is not respectable dress in a muslim household. Even living with us for the short term, some respect could be shown while she is here.
Salaam TotalMess,
I really do know what it is like to live with a nightmare, I have lived with a girl who never flushed the toilet, after using it, never changed the bin and would come home drunk and vomiting every Friday and cook bacon every Saturday and have a strange lad with her sometimes - at times it felt like she did it on purpose because the consideration level was minus 20. So I do understand what you are experiencing.
What I learned is that you are not wrong in wanting someone to behave respectfully whilst they live under your roof - but approaching people and trying to explain "why they are wrong" never, ever works. Because what they hear is "you are wrong I am right" and this makes fights between people. You dont want to fight, you want to solve the problem.
When you approach her, I would advise that you avoid telling her that she is wrong and that you are right. If you can find a way to communicate that it makes you uncomfortable and that you would be happier to not see it, your chances of successfully communicating what you want whilst not causing tension will be dramatically increased. The difference in the communication is that you are saying "when x happens, I feel y" - its no one's fault - its a problem everyone can solve.
No one responds well to being told that they are wrong (even when they know that they are, and even when you know that they are) and the key to success is in communcating without labelling anyone as right or wrong, but to address each individual issue one at a time from the perspective of "this is the problem / issue for me - help me solve it"
Patience is different to tolerance - some things are not tolerable - but the patient way of dealing with what cannot be tolerated is to approach it in a patient manner and give the person an opportunity to demonstrate their ability to problem-solve, rather than to "attack " their way of being.
When we speak in this way - we extend an invitation to friendship and peace as we are coming from the position of "we" rather than "me and you" and with persistence, calmness and patience, we win the greater battle of achieving friendship with those who feel negatively toward us.
Peace,
L
Selam,
Your son needs to be man and provide a suitable home for his wife and family. She must be what he wanted and they need their own space and you need to accept her.
Ozlem
salam
sister i am also a mother in law, and have had many problems with my daughter in law also . I am very sorry to hear of your problem as it must hurt, and be a very big issue with the grand children ...
I have one son, and they have been married for 1 year and few month. Now since she gave birth to my grand child, she has flipped over, in other words, she has created problems in the home and it has finally come to my son deciding to move out, to keep the peace.
Yes I have understanding about your problem also, words of advice/words of wisdom (inshallah)....
Keep good kith and kin with your son,his wife and your grand children always, but if they want to move out of your home let them...One day Allah subhanah wa ta la, will bring your grand children to you, and inshallah you give them dawah and show them how to practice to be muslims.
I know words are easier said, the action is difficult. Make Duah to Allah, for your son and his progeny be amoung the righteous inshallah Ameen.
walaykum asalam
Slaam All
I am the author of the original post. Mother of Arrogant daughter in law.
I have to tell all of you who have replied, I thank you.. But.....What has happened so far to date.
My daughter in law did move out eventually with my son, there was no arguments or anything like that. It was all mutual and actually it was the best decision, everything was great, the kids came down every week end and I was able to take them out places, the park and shopping no questions asked, Eid and ramadhan were really good, she kept her fasts and salah. My daughter in law was really good, my son was happy she was happy we were happy, everything was going so well.She was making plans for her future, job wise and I was babysitting to help her. My son starting up his own small business. My husband and myself were discussing plans for their future, we couldn't ask for anything more, progress was being made. They are expecting another child, we were all elated.
Then suddenly today I got a bombshell. She told me the baby she is carrying is or may not be my sons. She does not know who the father is. Out of the blue one night she went with somebody. I dont know why she has told me, she hasnt told anybody else, WHY DID SHE TELL ME. My son does not know yet. She wants an abortion. To save her marriage. I know what the final outcome will be. My son will divorce her. She also knows of that outcome but it is not what she wants. She should have thought of the consequences before.
I feel she has to tell the truth despite the outcome, to tell my son. I have no control over her decision on abortion, other than that I have told her that it is against islam. What hurts is between the date of being with this other guy and today it never bothered her until she got scan results and the dates didnt match her calculations. She says the other guy used contraception but she still contracted STD. Basically she got caught.
I have gone past arguing, I just quietly listened to her what she was saying, yes, she is riddled and sick with guilt, she keeps on saying over and over again, she knows she has done wrong. There is nothing I can do except just be there for her. She has never said anything like, if she could turn the clock back she would. Only thing she worried about at the moment is, she will lose everything, which is pretty obvious. Her mind is rambling and she is confused.
I am now faced with another problem bigger than the one before. I cannot say what will be going through my sons head when she tells him. If she tells him. If she does not, do I tell him???? My husband will be broken. My husband does not know either. Do I stay out of this.???
Can anybody advise me on this matter.?
As salamu alaykum wa rahmatullulah wa barakatuh,
This situation needs a cold head and solutions. Truth will come up sooner or later, today better than tomorrow, you mention STD, not you, she is the one that must tell your son about what she has done, if you want in your presence, and you need to tell your husband because I believe that she won´t doubt on telling everyone you know about it, and due to this your son and husband may be thinking you were supporting her wrong behaviour, being transparent you have to let clear you don´t support that, you can have a compassive heart towards her and her children but she needs to learn the lesson, she has played with your son´s health, the heaviest reason for me here it is that he may have contracted the STD already, in any case, he must be checked by a doctor, his health is at risk, but it is not less important the betrayal not just to your son, to all of you, the kids included, may Allah(swt) help all of us to forgive and learn the lesson of this test. Ameen.
And about the abortion, when a woman aborts she covers herself with the blood of an innocent, that will have dark consequences on her life and the life of everyone around her, Allah (swt) forbids wrong actions.
About your son´s reaction, by your words and his actions until now, I believe he will be angry and desesperate at the begining and even threaten with divorce but being your son, he will cool down with time, forgive and even accept this child as his own, there is no many men made of this wood but I believe your son is one of them,...Allah(swt) knows best.
She is who she is and she knows who you are, she needs you, not just her, the children needs you and you know this and she knows this, when this situation comes to your mind you see the face of the three kids looking to you and even the baby not born yet, that hurts you, and you know that will be the botton for your son´s to forgive in time if he, Insha´Allah, does.
Being a mother, I know Allah(swt) can test me with this kind of situations, because only Him(swt) knows all the ways, and insha´Allah, my reaction will be to be deeply angry towards her at the begining but being my daughter in law living in my house, I would try that she acts honestly from now on, telling the truth and acknowledging the wrong she has done to all the family, one all of this is done, I would make clear that I don´t want an abortion in my house and that I will be there for the children and for her as the mother of my granddaughter, insha´Allah, and I will try to comfort and support my son, whatever decision he takes, I will support him,....insha´Allah, if Allah(swt) helps me to forgive her, this will be the key that open the hearts of my husband and son to forgiveness towards her, too. Allah(swt) knows best.
Sister, at the end, specially when we are getting old and we have children under our care, we realized what it is really important and we deal with life tests without the passion of the youth, we understand that this life is a neverending test and that Allah(swt) is attuning our Hearts to His Unconditional Love. Remember that your forgiveness and compassion is showing your strength but can be misunderstood as weakness by a hard heart, then insha´Allah show to her, your son, your husband and the kids, you are a straight muslim with a straight, loving, compassionate heart that knows about the tests of this life and what it is really important.
Allah(swt) knows best.
May Allah(swt) guide and protect all of you through this test and soften your Hearts every step you take towards Him. Ameen.
All my unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Related to your first post, I read the story of a man, I don´t remember the name, but it is an important Iman, he is a revert, his story in two words, was that he met a muslim and invited him to his house and after some months almost everyone in his house, exept his father, revert. When I knew about the story, I thought how Allah(swt) had blessed this muslim man, because through him, with his presence, straight behaviour, knowledge and faith, many people found the straight way, masha´Allah. You, through your straight behaviour can be the muslim, insha´Allah, that guides her, her kids and your loved ones to the straight path.
Kids like habits that give them security and they are curious about God and they like prayers and to know about angels and holy words, you can take fifteen minutes everyday, no more, you will see the best moment and if she is present, much better, her inner child is starving for direction, but don´t force her, just offer it once and let it be, you can read the Quran, recite the surahs that will help them to learn them, as songs, specially Al Fatiha and the last three surahs, that are very short and recite everyday one Name of our Lord and his beautiful Attributes and talk about them and ask them what do they think about it, teach them a dua, to say Bismillah, Alhamdulillah, insha´Allah, masha´Allah,.... guide them little by little, do dikhr with you fingers and explain to them why you do it, teach them, not expecting anything and insha´Allah, the seeds you put in all of them, will sprout and make of your house, the shelter of the loving and compassionate Hearts you will be, insha´Allah.
Allah(swt) knows best.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamalekum, If your daughter in law tells your son about the baby not being his, it would be better for her... If she does not, then yes your duty must be forfilled as a mother....You do tell your son about it.....Also your husband will have to know the truth.....The worst thing is to stay out of it, as your daughter inlaw has involved you by letting you know first...
Yes is a hard decision and a very emotional upseting time with the news of what your daughter inlaw has told you...But remember one thing Allah ta la has set us all TESTS and we must do good by pleasing Allah first, we either fail the test or pass it,...If you know something that is WRONG, you must say, if you cannot say it then write a letter to your son explaining everything.
I know being a mother in law I would have told my son. You cannot hide something as big as that, its wrong.
(and also if you dont tell him, does that mean she will go ahead and do that again?Allah hu walam) Allah knows best.
Sister I hope you will have the courage to tell you son inshallah
jazakallah khair
Salaam
She has been faithfull to my son all these years. She has admitted all herself that what she has done was out of character. She does not know why she has done it. But I am thinking she had plenty of time to think while she was with this other guy to know what she was doing was wrong.
She recognises that this will tear the family apart, her own life, the two children their lives, my sons life, as well as my husbands family, she recognises that they went out of their way to accept her, to make us happy and we went out of our way to make our son happy. She says she will never do it again.
I know what she is trying to say, she is very sorry. The thing is sorry comes very easy to her. Maybe she will become a stronger person after this. But it wont be with my son. I dont know. I am going to wait a few weeks to see what she does.
khuda hafiz
This is just my personal opinion. Don´t wait sister, talk to her and your son. Here you have your son´s health and your son´s and husband´s trust on the table, then you should be clear to her and stop your mind about what could be and go for what it is for real.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
She must determine paternity right away. How far along is she in her pregnancy? I believe more than likely she is in the early stages of her first trimester and DNA testing can occur at this stage. I am not sure of your location, but these procedures are common in the West.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/prenataltesting/paternitytesting.html
Prenatal (before your child’s birth) DNA testing:
Amniocentesis: This test is performed in the second trimester, anywhere from the 14th-20th weeks of pregnancy. During this procedure, the doctor uses ultrasound to guide a thin needle into your uterus, through your abdomen. The needle draws out a small amount of amniotic fluid, which is tested. Risks include a small chance of harming the baby and miscarriage. Other side effects may include cramping, leaking of amniotic fluid, and vaginal bleeding. A doctor's consent is needed to do this procedure for paternity testing.
Chorionic Villus Sampling (CVS):
This test consists of a thin needle or tube which a doctor inserts from the vagina, through the cervix, guided by an ultrasound, to obtain chorionic villi. Chorionic villi are little finger-like pieces of tissue attached to the wall of the uterus. The chorionic villi and the fetus come from the same fertilized egg, and have the same genetic makeup. This testing can be done earlier in pregnancy from the 10th-13th weeks. A doctor's consent is needed to do this procedure for paternity testing.
Establish paternity as soon as possible!
If she refuses to do so, there is no choice dear mother, you must tell your son if your daughter-in-law does not tell him immediately. This mess is not your doing and it was not foreseeable.
Also with the presence of an STD, your son has the right to know if he is infected and how that may change his life. While some diseases are curable or controllable, most stay with the person for the rest of their life. It has now become a health issue, so the wife is more than obligated to confess, as she can be held civilly and criminally accountable, not to mention Islamically she has cast an enormous burden on everyone.
Another reason why you must let him know if the wife refuses to, is because if he finds out that you knew before him, he will consider it a betrayal on your part. Right now, the wife has endangered everything, and so you must salvage what little you can of it.
God be with you in this most trying time. If everything can somehow be saved through the miracles of Allah (swt), this woman seriously needs to undergo professional counseling. She must take account for her actions and turn her regret into meaningful remorse.
salaam
conception date has been established at 6 october she says
As salamu alaykum, Professor X,
We have different way of looking at the situation, even when we agree in the main reasons why this situation must see the light. I would like to comment on something you mentioned, I don´t think that she really needs professional counselling, where would it take her? Intelectually she may be put on the situation that she understand that what she has done was wrong, what she already knows and acknowledge, not due to remorse, just due to the consequences that she can face due to her act, then what is really going to help her I think it is spiritual guidance, what she lacks completely, she doesn´t know anything about remorse and repentance, but insha´Allah, she will know about forgiveness after she has gone through true repentance, and Allah(swt) has put her on a situation where she should face the darkness of her wrong acts and thoughts and suffer desesperation and remorses for the right reasons, and that has to be done to learn, she needs to mourn and see how wrong she has acted and thought, against herself, against her husband, against the children included the unborn, (one day, insha´Allah, she will know that her wrong acts not only affects who I mention, affects all of us) and against Allah(swt) and insha´Allah, that darkness will take her to true repentance and to appreciate what she had, to learn what she wants and what it is the way towards it, insha´Allah.
Even if he is the father, what it is on the table here is more than that, we should acknowledge here none of us is perfect and free of sinning and as brothers and sisters, Allah(swt) has put compassion in our Hearts to help and forgive the others, she has sent herself to fire with all the consequences of i, are we going to leave her burning while we can give her a hand to get out of it? but as always this won´t be our choice, this will be His Blessing that He(swt) puts in our Heart love and compassion towards our Brothers and Sisters, who can tell us that we won´t be on her shoes or someone we love? Only Allah(swt) knows and He(swt) knows best.
All my unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes, I understand your view, but counseling comes through many avenues and perhaps a local Islamic woman's group, her local imam or a sister versed in social work can help her. Though these problems occur to many people, the under riding current of adultery is fueled by a very selfish desire that needs to be laid to rest within the individual through a process that this woman may fail to understand at this point, Islamically which always encourages logical understanding.
Considering what she has done, wherein her life and that of her husband's in now in danger of infection through a STD, she is in panic mode. Three months have passed by and surely during this time, she has engaged in sex with her husband. How many times has she put him in danger? This is the crux of the problem at this point. Playing with the health and life of a person that you are supposed to love most is not of intellectual or moral understanding.
Not to mention the fact that the baby may inherit this disease, as well. It's truly a sad circumstance.
I do not mean to condemn this wife, but what can this mother do at this point? A secret like this must be known to her son, if the wife is still toying with his health. From my understanding of Islamic rulings, the wife has the duty to let him know. If she doesn't, it becomes imperative on the mother to protect him from further exposure. What action he takes is up to him.
Yes, the wife needs care, but she's been unafraid to face it until the house essentially looks like it will crash down. Say for instance, she aborts the child. The danger of STD is still there. The husband must know this, especially if he takes another wife some time in the future.
And what of this other man? Does he know he has a to-be child? Does he know he has a STD or is he an uninfected carrier? Many questions still loom in the darkness.
It's not an easy situation and surely, God have mercy on me if I ever encounter this. Yet, having said that, we all draw boundaries on our human dignity being a creation of Allah (swt). The son's human dignity and health is at stake, as well.
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
If you read again my comments, you will see that we agree on the main facts here, STD and the need of bringing to surface all that is hidden, what I have encouraged her mother in law to do. What I will try not to do, may Allah(swt) help me on this, I will try not to judge anyone, everyone comes here on need of being listened and helped and my choice is not to judge, if I can be of help, I try my best, if Allah(swt) wants and helps me, if not I stay on a side. And if in any moment, I judge or talk in a wrong way, I will be thankful from all my Heart to anyone that takes their time and energy to tell it to me when I do something wrong, that will be done just for someone that loves me the most, because it will help me to become a better human being, then I will consider it a blessing from Allah(swt), Alhamdulillah.
Related to her need of counselling, yes she needs it, but I was situating myself on now, on what she needs first, I agree with you that to improve and not to repeat this circumstance, she should go to a professional that will take her to the core of why she behaved and behaves the way she does, but first she must acknowledge she has a problem, we only know what her mother in law says about her, we just know facts, and the facts are that as you said that she is on panic mode, ....When we see a situation from outside we allow ourselves to be moral or intellectual, but being inside a situation like this, the primary response is instinctive, I mean with this, the animal instinct of self-preservation it is strongly shining here, she is scared to the marrow of her bones, she will lose everything she has, when we feel so much fear and we don´t have a proper instruction( moral,religious,spiritual,...) as it sounds she doesn´t have, what she has done, it is her way of surviving to a situation that she doesn´t know how to handle and put at risk all that she knows as safe, self-preservation is a strong, strong instinct.
When adultery happens something is going wrong in the couple, but not at the moment of sinning it has been wrong a long time ago, passional love dies and unconditional love is not being born, then a shadow begins to fill the empty space and takes material shape as days pass by, then he wasn´t the one that she loved the most when she was unfaithful to him, in fact, the concept of love you mention here it is not the heart of an unfaithful person, someone that loves the way you mention has a fulltime connection through their Heart with their loved one, they are one, even when they are not conscious of it, this is a blessing from our Lord that gives us the opportunity to get to know true love from other human being, then when this kind of situations happen, it is a big test and at the same time, a big opportunity of spiritual growth, because through true repentance(including full submission to our Lord) and forgiveness (to and from everyone, and acknowledging Allah(swt) the first and the One that will ease our way to it, Alhamdulillah), both members of the couple can achieve through a really tough struggle, the true love that we talk about, but again this is a blessing from Allah(swt) and only Him(swt) knows and only Him(swt) will give us the opportunity to get it if He(swt) considers it and will it.
Related to the other man, you are right, but I have more doubts here, she said he used contraception and that she got pregnant and caught a STD, something doesn´t match here. We know that preservative is one of the safest ways not to contract STDs and not to get pregnant, not 100 %, but close, then how did she got pregnant and sick after just one time having sex with protection? Can happen, I know about women getting pregnant almost out of the blue, if it happens this way, Allah(swt) wanted her to return to the straight Path, may Allah(swt) help all of us. And that everyone directly involved should know about the situation is a must, but we were answering to a mother worried about her son.
Brother, Dignity is a big word, masha´Allah, certainly you touched the core of the situation and many other situations that are touched in this site. Even when we all should know to draw boundaries on our human dignity being a creation of Allah (swt), not all of us do it, not all of us know we are a creation of Allah(swt) and not all of us acknowledge the righ of human dignity not just for being a creation of Allah(swt) for being human beings (I am afraid many terrible situations talk to us about that) not because it isn´t our right since we are conceived, maybe we know the word, the concept but we don´t have it in our blood, we are not conscious of it, or don´t have memory of it, or we may know it morally but our experience tells us it doesn´t exist, there are many circumstances in these life that can make a person lose their boundaries, I am not justifying any of them just acknowledging its existence and as a therapist, you know about it.
Allah(swt) knows best.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes, in this situation there are no easy answers. As you suggested, I hope that she does not wait any longer, such as a few weeks. Time is not going to make this problem go away and soon, the wife will be showing signs of pregnancy. Time in this matter is of the essence to begin some type of resolution, Insha'allah.
I believe that this is a case where tact loses, if the wife does not make the right choice quickly, and I mean that in a manner of days. The mother is in a tough spot, no doubt. In fact, she has the choice of sitting on pins and needles right now: torn between a desire to save this marriage with her patience and her duty as a mother to be instinctual and to reveal the truth. It's no doubt a huge predicament to be in.
There, but for the grace of God go I, as the old adage goes.
I could speculate for ages on the contraction of STDs, as it's still astonishing how many people misuse contraceptives, but what is hinted at, is not at all a reassuring thought. There are some people who may not use a condom till they actually need it for male ejaculation, though having intercourse all the while. One of the most horrible things I have heard of lately is people reusing condoms by turning them inside out. It baffles the imagination.
The condom could have been old, past the expiration date or could have been exposed to constant heat, which causes deterioration and small tears in the material. Another partner of his may have pierced his condoms with a needle for revenge or he could have done it himself. Several cases have been reported where STD carriers had done this thing out of some sick perversion and evil intention.
And yet, I would like to point out that the success rate of condoms is often overblown. People are taught, "use them and you're safe," when that is not the case at all. Condoms do slip during intercourse when not unrolled properly and secured at the base of the penis. Many men think they are wearing it right, when during the eagerness for sex, they do not realize they are not. Several crucial factors come into play and I always tell people, when you have sex with a condom as the only contraceptive, expect a baby. And if you don't know if your partner has a disease, expect to contract one, too.
Like I said, the speculation runs rampant, but I'll leave it that for now. A google of this trend though, will give you shivers at night.
It's a very sad case when someone cheats on a spouse and I hope people reading this realize how awful it is and how dangerous it becomes for everyone. The day when this truth is revealed will be a dark day for this family. May Allah (swt) grant them patience.
Thank you for being such a calm presence Sister Maria, as surely, it is a gift from Allah (swt).
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
Thanks to Allah(swt) and to you for being where you are needed.
All that you have mentioned about preservatives it is good to know, many people read this site and they should know what to do and not to do, thank you very much for calling our attention on that, I was ignorant about those terrible practices.
Related to the family, May Allah(swt) guide every step they take for their best. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum salaam,
Here are a few key issues about condoms that get overlooked, as studies of condom efficacy rely on self-reported behavior as was used for thesis in a study by the Department of Epidemiology, School of Public Health, University of Alabama at Birmingham, when researching Objective Markers of Condom Failure.
Although a condom is effective in limiting exposure, some disease transmission may occur even with a condom. Infectious areas of the genitals, especially when symptoms are present, may not be covered by a condom, and as a result, some diseases can be transmitted by direct contact. The primary effectiveness issue with using condoms to prevent STDs, however, is inconsistent use.
Here is some advice from Tanya Villhauer, M.A., Health Educator at the Health Iowa/Student Health Service.
But, because the condom does not cover all areas that can be affected, such as the scrotum, groin area, base of the penis, and the anus these areas are at risk for coming in contact with the mucus or blood that contains the infection. And for women, HPV infection can occur on the outside of the vulva, which can touch the genital skin of a man using a condom.
In conclusion, the condom cannot protect against all areas in which the HPV infection can occur. This is a good reminder to always wear a condom, but more importantly to communicate with your partner about their sexual history so that you can make an educated decision about whether the risk is worth taking.
From the Center of Disease Control:
Most reports of condom failure are the result of inconsistent or incorrect use, not
breakage (Macaluso et al., 1999). A recent study of college students found that condom use errors were very common — 40 percent of the young men surveyed reported that, within the previous three months, they had not left space for ejaculate at the tip of a condom, and 15 percent had taken a condom off before completing intercourse (Crosby et al., 2002). In the U.S., the actual breakage rate is a low two per 100 condoms (CDC, 1998).
Of 100 women whose partners use condoms inconsistently or imperfectly, 18 will
become pregnant in the first year of use. Only two will become pregnant if condoms are used perfectly (Trussell, 2011).
So you see, a lot of the effectiveness of condoms relies on user intelligence. When used imperfectly, the rate of pregnancy is 18% and that is of cases that are reported, which has an margin of error that is never accounted for.
Is there a STD that affects other parts of the body due to sexual contact? Yes, as gonorrhea and chlamydia are two of them with the former being able to affect the anus, eyes, mouth, genitals, or throat during various sexual acts. The latter can be transmitted through the three main sexual acts, one of which is forbidden and/or highly discouraged in Islam.
Find more information here at the CDC:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/gonorrhea/default.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/std/chlamydia/STDFact-Chlamydia.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes.htm
During pregnancy:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/pregnancy/default.htm
Infection rate for last year:
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/17/us-usa-stds-idUSTRE7AG1XD20111117
This is just a reminder as to the dangers we take for granted.
http://tinyurl.com/nv-man-condom
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
I deeply appreciate your efforts to update us in such delicate matters, it is highly needed.
Thank you very much.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
england
Encourage her to get tested as soon as possible. It's the first step and of vital importance. The UK has the same medical procedures, so do what you can to convince her, as she's already entering the second trimester.
slaam professor X
She will see her GP on monday morning, Here I think you have to do it through GP or midwilfe. According to established date she is in her 14th Week. I dont like the sound of amniocentesis, isnt that well known for harming the unborn child.?
They have both been checked for STD. My sons test came out clear, but they gave him antibiotics anyway, he has taken the full course. His wife is still taking them because she was not well at the time. I think she said it was this Trichomoniasis, this is the only one I can find that sounds like what she said and begins with T.
She has revealed the truth to my son. She has contacted the other person. She says that he says to his knowledge the condom did not break and he is certain.
She has spoken to me in detail now,how it came about and why she developed doubts.
I still have not mentioned it to my husband, because it was important for my son to know first. I dont know yet how to tell him.
As salamu alaykum, Sister,
I hope you forgive me for answering you, the question wan´t for me, but I will answer you about the amniocentesis, it won´t damage her or the baby, insha´Allah, Allah(swt) forbids, could happen but if she is in caring and professional hands, she shouldn´t have any problems, insha´Allah.
Related to the infection, the right procedure is taking place, she may have a high risk pregnancy due to all of this and all the emotional, psycological stress, the doctors should advice her the best for her and the baby, the risk is related to delivery before the due time, low weight in the baby and all the problems that can develop from it, Allah(swt) forbids.
Could be your own son willing to talk to his father, man to man?
The three of them should take the antibiotic.
May Allah(swt) ease all this suffering to all of you. Ameen.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum salaam,
Though it does sound scary, the rates for problems are low by medical standards. However, because she needs to be in the care of her own specific medical doctor, only this doctor can determine the right course of determining paternity upon evaluating her. Since she has two options, the doctor will propose the safest course through this evaluation. The wife needs to express that determining paternity is a key issue. By this time however, she has seen her doctor, so Insha'allah, the right course will have been discussed.
They'll need to also get a sample of DNA from your son and the other man usually by saliva from a cotton swab of the mouth. The test can proceed with your son's DNA alone, which can exclude him or not. To determine the other man's paternity, he'll need to provide a sample or a court order may need to be sought to determine his paternity, if your son is excluded. I mention this because, it often happens to be a course of action.
This cotton swab test is going to be emotional for your son, there's no doubt about it. Every step of this ordeal is going to bring much hurt.
Insha'allah, the baby is your son's, but do not rely on the adulterous partner for any reliance of condom use. With this information, I am sure that the infidelity partner is in panic mode, as well.
Have you spoken to your son about it, yourself? I am sure he's in dire straits right now. This is definitely a trial of deep pain and hurt.
Having said that, don't exclude yourself from the conversation of father and son. In fact. I think that the three of you should sit down and talk about this. It's not a means to gang up on the wife, but there's a private moment when your son will need to be able to lean on both of you emotionally and separately from his wife. Many people may question this as an issue that many cause division among the spouses, but I think in this case, by you being there, you can temper the mood.
As a mother and wife, your role is quite significant. There's also the issue of "what if" the worst happens. This will cause the most emotion and you need to provide him with a lot of stable support. So though the matter is delicate, approach your son and together take it to your husband.
It's important to note, that you all are still a family and a parent's role right now is keeping your son from falling off a limb, so to speak. I imagine the hardest part of this is returning to "normal life." Things like work, eating, shopping and what not do nothing to quell the emotional pain. There is no shortcut in this process at all. What he'll be going through up to the day of discovery and past it may damage his marriage forever.
This is not to say that the wife does not need the same support, but how you determine your role may largely play a part in how your son deals with everything. Until paternity is determined, this will be a difficult emotional roller coaster.
One of the reasons I stress about determining paternity beforehand, (I believe the procedures to be safe) is because it avoids surprises at the delivery of the child, if she chooses to give birth. Your son will have to wait to that day and then look at the child with questions in his mind while awaiting the inevitable test. It's only fair to everyone to know now what is going to happen and to deal with it. You haven't said if the other sexual partner is of a different ethnic group, so imagine the consequences of your son seeing a child that looks nothing like him in the delivery room. The emotional toll could wreck him needlessly, in my opinion.
Religiously speaking, if Allah (swt) said to you that He would reveal every bad thing in your life tomorrow to save you heartache over the long run, would you agree? Many people would say, "yes." I think in this case, this is a miracle of science that Allah (swt) has given mankind in order to deal with these issues. Though DNA testing take a bit longer that a day, it will definitely be shorter than 9 months. This will depend on lab schedules once the DNA is collected
In my estimation, as the world developed rapidly and paternity was becoming more of an issue as people lost their adherence to His laws and became more immodest, paternity testing developed rapidly to keep pace. Surely, this is a mercy of discovery from our Lord.
It also has a legal aspect to it, because when the child is born, there is the issue of providing the father's name on the birth certificate. This will play a huge role in the financial obligation to the child, both legally and Islamically speaking.
I also wanted to stress two things:
Depending on how soon the paternity results can be known, leave the decision to your son as to whether you will tell your husband. It could be the case that your son may never want his father to know, if the child is somehow your son's. Just suggest it, but don't insist on it to your son.
And on a personal level, as a son who loves his mother very dearly and misses her because of distance and time, I would want all her love and support in this moment. I haven't seen her in six months, but your strength brings tears to my eyes when I think about my mom. She's such a delicate woman who sacrificed so much for us, her children.
I am confident that you are such a mother, too. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Surely in heaven, a place awaits you.
Slaam Professor X
Paternity results have arrived. They have not excluded him. My son IS the FATHER. And its going to be a boy. Going for paternity test sapped his energy.
But the marriage is in tatters. He has not spoken to her since even though he went for paternity test. He is getting on with his day to day life but I know he is sad. As for his wife, she is just quietly picking up the pieces, calmer now that the results are known.
He is specific that his dad does not know, not yet. Divorce is on the agenda very much so.
But they do say time is great healer.......
As salamu alaykum, sister,
I am sorry you and your family have to go through such a hard and sad situation when getting the news that you have a new grandson on the way, congratulations for this new life, Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) ease our path to forgiveness. Ameen.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAsnwers.com Editor
Subhan'allah, that the baby boy is his. I must say that it was a great relief to read that, though it does very little to belie the pain of what is currently happening in your family.
Betrayal by a spouse, and I'll take take it from a male perspective in this instance, is a form of great humiliation, as it makes the husband feel like a cuckold: a subservient "second" lover. This greatly inflicts a major wound on a man's ego, his self esteem and in the way he viewed his wife, whom he thought was worth every living moment of his love. The sorrow he feels is encircled with an anger that only a man can ever know, as it tears him apart. A part of him wants to hate her forever.
The hardest part he is experiencing is knowing that for a moment in time, his wife was in the arms of another man. When he thinks of her and should he ever look at her, this is the only thing he sees. This is the most crucial aspect of his thought process. He may forgive her, but a part of him will be hard pressed to ever forget it. And that latter part may cause him to never fully love her again.
I'm going to share with you an observation: Couples who try to reconcile to overcome infidelity face one gigantic issue: trust. Without it, no marriage will hold together. There can be no love, no respect and no honor without it. No amount of memories or promises will bring it back. Indeed, trust is earned day by day. For your daughter-in-law to have lost this from your son is something she may never regain. As many times I have heard through many tears, "I can forgive them, but trust? Forget it."
Though it's natural of everyone that loves him to advise him, I would suggest to you to let him make his own mind as to what to do with her. Help him live his life, take care of the grandchildren, listen to him and always remind him that you are proud of him as your son. See him as that statue of Atlas, the man with a world on his shoulders.
If somehow they reconcile, she will have a great challenge in front of herself. He will always be suspicious. I wish I could say it would be different, but seldom it is. This will be their life for the foreseeable future.
If he divorces her, make sure that your husband sees to it that he is never alone without something to do. In fact, make sure that he isn't alone too much, though at times, he'll need his space. It's a balancing act, of course.
Forgive me for asking, but are they living apart now?
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
Just something to think on.
Our human nature is shaped by Allah(swt) and I believe this blind eyes, they have to go through all this struggling to get closer to Him(swt) first as individual, later as marriage and later on as family, this is a loss and they are in a mourning process, they will have to go through all the phases of grief, I believed he must be between the two and the fourth one already, the fact that there is a baby on the way, that may accelerate the process:
1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.
2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage. Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain.
3. Negotiating – The "If I do this, you'll do that" stage. You try to negotiate to change the situation.
4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage. You realize the situation isn't going to change. At this point he will acknowledge this is for real.
5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage. Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.
We all have different ways of living this process but we will go through all of them, as muslims, we have to see this as a test, learn from it, as an individual find Peace in ourselves asking Allah(swt) for help, guidance, assistance, comfort and insha´Allah, the capability to forgive and trust with time, and with this I am acknowledging this is a hard task, a difficult test and a open, bleeding wound, what I want to let know is that insha´Allah, there is hope for healing and build up trust.
As marriage, the process is the same, both of them are scared, he is completely devastated by the betrayal and she, insha´Allah, must be repenting from the marrow of her bones for all the damage she has caused. A marriage is a sacred bond and she will be suffering the same or more than he is if the repentance is real, there is no other way, we all pay for our wrongdoings sooner or later, if insha´Allah, she turns herself to Allah(swt), and her repentance is true, and he turns himself to Allah(swt) and Allah(swt) blows in him the need of forgiving, insha´Allah, they will have an opportunity to grow up as a strong family, counting the milisecond to milisecond at the begining, to the second to second after the first year and minute to minute later, ...but insha´Allah, with Allah(swt) Grace and Mercy can be done, trust can be recover. They may want to throw the towel, but you know Allah(swt) had blessed them with two babies and she has two more children, there is a lot to lose to throw the towel easily, and she and her unborn baby maybe suffering deeply all the wrong that she has done, only Allah(swt) knows what is waiting for them. But I want to believe that they have an opportunity, insha´Allah, they find the straight way for all of them.
There is a lot to work on, a lot, and I am sure, knowing the nature of this man´s heart that with time, insha´Allah, he will forgive, there is not many men like him, and with this I am not praising him, I am talking from Heart from what I listened from his mother and knowing his mother nature too. It is normal and healthy to some extent that divorce is on the air, we are humans and we must learn to value what we have, this shock had this predictable situation, but again I choose to believe that insha´Allah, they both will find their way to get closer to Allah(swt) and as a consequence insha´Allah, their way to save their marriage, I choose to believe they will have a chance, specially having a family with the qualities they have, Alhamdulillah.
Family bonds are strong ones, here there are many lives involved in this process, may Allah(swt) help of of them through all this situation and gives them compassion, love, respect, mercy, patience and all the necessary to go through it and help all of us to learn the lesson we need to learn. Ameen.
This will take time, but all of the time it will take will worth it if insha´Allah,we all learn the lesson that comes with this hard test.
My Heart is with all of you, insha´Allah, all the people that reads about this situation will make a prayer for all of you.
Allah(swt) knows best.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum salaam,
I understand what you are saying Maria and only Allah (swt) knows what will happen. However, we need to admit what the husband is dealing with. He'll go through his stages at his own pace, but it's important that he deal with them independently of anyone. The danger is that if he were to accelerate past one, his recovery is at risk. Every stage is filled with a hurt that beaks a heart and lays a man bare in front of God.
In this instance, I don't ponder of the future too much and instead I focus on the day by day, the hour by hour and the minute by minute. As a man, a provider, there's a time when he locks everything away just to get through work and everyday life. With the kids, the situation and then having to think about a pregnant wife, when does he really get time for himself? That's the key issue. His wife, if I'm being blatantly honest, comes second, because if he doesn't walk the path as he needs to, and there is no real rule book for this, he won't ever forgive her and will deal with this pain in a way that may not be the best.
For him, this decision to talk to his wife again is something that he will do in time, but he knows that he has to step away from her. He knows that this is the best way to keep his emotions in check for now without doing something that would hurt her badly. In this regard, he is saving himself and to an extent, her too.
Whenever there is a tragedy in life, you need to stop, figure out how you got there and then, how to deal with it. Forget looking down the road, because there's too many tears and blood in your eyes. This is his grieving period and it will unfold as he sees fit. If anyone rushes him through it, he'll resent them no matter who they are. That's why no one should suggest anything to him regarding his marriage right now unless he asks. He's in the driver seat, though he doesn't want to be in this position with this scenario.
During these times, he may need to go somewhere and hit something, preferably a punching bag and not a wall. He'll need to yell, cry and ask, "why?" This is a slow process and please consider what he's just been through. He found out his wife cheated on him, he found out she was pregnant and had to find out if this baby was his or was fathered by another man. That whole process tore him apart and he had to play to the circumstances. He was robbed of something and this is what is causing the big hole in his heart. He didn't expect, ask or deserve any of it. This is what he is thinking, and he looks at the one person who did this and says, "Why?"
I never talk about the step by step process of overcoming an ordeal, because it's a clinical trial. It's just a consensus that we all refer to and it never means that you can't fall back a step or two, and even sometimes, right back to the beginning. Grief is beyond the white overcoats and the clipboards, loss is outside of the prescription bottles and assessments, and love is not so easily regained no matter how much we try.
This is not meant to push Allah (swt) out of it. It's just acknowledging that we are human and fall short a lot of the times.
You'll notice that I don't talk about her a lot. There's a reason why. For this conversation, the wife's sorrow is a distant player to his. Though God knows her heart, this man doesn't and that is what blinds him. He won't be able to know her for now and this is what hurts him the most. He thinks, "I married her, I stood by her and I loved her. What did I do wrong? What the hell am I supposed to say? How could she? How could she kiss him? Did she love him? Why did she sleep with him? Why didn't she love me and the kids more? Why did she touch him? Who the hell is he?! Why, why......why?"
And that's only a small glimpse of his pain. For whatever it's worth, that is what is hammering his mind. How can we begin to look down the road for him when he can't clear his eyes of the misery and that which rips his heart in two?
He bears the weight of everything for now in the decision of staying together or falling apart. Whatever he does and however he does it, that's between Him and God for now.
I remember a person who forgave their spouse for cheating almost 30 years ago. The forgiver said that a time didn't go by where they didn't think about it since. That's the reality he has to face.
And I'll say, I never think that staying together should ever hinge on the children. Years later, children often say that if divorce was the better option, they would have preferred their parents to do that. I know that's not popular to say, but it's often the truth told from the kids themselves. They hate to see their parents fight or to see them in a loveless/trustless marriage.
Yet only God knows what will happen eventually, but for the people involved it's moment by moment. I think he should just ask God for what is best. Nothing less than what he deserves and nothing more than he can handle.
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
I understand why you didn´t want to talk about this, but thank you very much for doing it, many people will be helped by your words, Alhamdulillah. This is known, but not everybody knows it and it is good that going through this hardship we listen to this words.
But again, I choose to believe that insha´Allah they will have an opportunity, because that is why we are here, when will it be or when will the process end, only Allah(swt) knows, for the couple you knew it is a lifetime process of healing, Alhamdulillah, they are alive and healing, only Allah(swt) can give them the blessing of Forgiveness and bring back the trust, they are still in the process of learning it, Alhamdulillah, they are still on it, while we are alive it is never too late to learn, Alhamdulillah.
Children have a special wisdom, it is not predictable their effect on their parents, specially the unborn, he came to this world to make his parents enter a way of suffering to purify themselves, masha´Allah, specially the mother, he brought light to her darkness, and as I told you before, his father is made of a special wood, this man is not any man, and insha´Allah he will do and follow the healing process at his own pace, because Alhamdulillah, he will look for guidance in the right place, Allah(swt) has blessed him with the Presence of his mother, she is 24 hours a day, seven days of the week, guarding him, and praying for him, she will be there when needed, silent, waiting, observing, ready to hold him when he falls, crying with him and feeling his pain, sending him love for healing, respecting his space and pace, wanting to change herself for his son to avoid him such a cruel suffering, only a mother knows which is the suffering of other mother, she knows who his son is, she knows perfectly his heart, that is why the suffering is so intense for a mother, we know.
I understand your attitude towards her, and all that you explained it is the way it is, but I cannot ignore her suffering and her test and if the rest of the world condemn her, Insha´Allah, I will pray for her as well as for the rest of them, because only Allah(swt) knows her heart and if my prayer can make a difference in her life, I will, insha´Allah while she is alive she has the opportunity to come back to the straight path, and here you have to take into account something else, the baby that is in her womb is living all this suffering too and that baby is a part of him and an inocent one, Alhamdulillah.
I don´t want to talk more about it, what it is said it is said and Allah(swt) knows best.
Insha´Allah, my prayers tonight will be for all of them.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Having read your original post and the one that followed I have to day that I disagree that your problem is your daughter in law. Your problem is your son.
He got a woman pregnant out of wedlock, he was having a relationship with her for nine years, he failed to help her in her new deen by explaining the boundaries of purdah etc.
This woman changed her religion, not her personality. How do you know she wasn't arrogant and untidy to begin with. And how regular in prayers is your son. If he does not set the standard, how will his wife and children follow.
And for the second issue, I feel although it is very bad to cause a fight between a husband and a wife, in this case the husband should know that the baby is not his, and also if there is a danger of STD.
You could set an ultimatum that if your daughter in law doesn't tell her husband the truth by a certain time, then you'll do it yoruself. Establishing paternity is very important, as you can't give your sons name to a child that belongs to someone else.
Walaykum salaam,
It's not about condemning her, but understanding the steps of recovery. Allah (swt) knows best. As they say, "que sera sera/whatever will be, will be."
And I actually like your optimism Maria, because you you are so sincere and honest. It shows in your words and your undying positive hope. I'll pray for her too, Insha'allah.
It's healthy to talk about it, though I respect your desire to stop. I think that if this website provides anything it's a future reference for people, especially Muslims, to sit back and read what is seldom talked about openly in their masjids. Some years down the line, God forbid, someone will be facing the same problem and will be able to come here and find solace and some kind of comfort that they aren't alone. Together we all bring our own experiences, perspectives and insights.
Muslims helping Muslims trying to understand the world around them and the lives unfolding each and every day. Maybe in some way, this is our collective struggle in the way of Allah (swt). As per the Qur'anic verse, 3:103:
As salamu Alaykum, Brother Professor X,
If you read again my posts, I think that in no moment I have ignored the importance of individual recovery before, insha´Allah, entering marriage recovery.
May Allah(swt) make me worth of your words. Ameen. I just finished to write and I see that I wrote an essay, insha´Allah, our sister that posted forgive my interference in her post, your words moved me to write.
I understand what you say about leaving a legacy to others, I had been, Alhamdulillah, one year on the site and for a couple of months I haven´t been able to be here and I was sad to leave but my thought was that I was leaving a part of myself here with my comments, when someone would read a comment made by me they would feel it, insha´Allah, and you know what, just before I returned I read the comments made by a Brother that, masha´Allah, moved me to the marrow of my bones, such sincere, honest, transparent, shining, soft Heart, he gave me so much hope, respect and love, just by his words, that weren´t written to me, but were written for Allah´s sake to help someone in need, masha´Allah, he moved me deeply to make a compromise to return at least when I could share one hour or half of it, insha´Allah, and here I am again, till Allah(swt) wants.
Many are the reasons that bring us all here, looking for answers, trying to give answers with Allah(swt) help and guidance, giving comfort, receiving comfort and with this, mainly, Alhamdulillah, respect, compassion, patience, love and prayers, I have had the honour of meeting through this site, incredible brothers and sisters, muslims and not muslims with a big, soft heart, ready to share with the rest of us. I have called many times when someone was in terrible pain and the answer have been, Alhamdulillah, full of love, support and respect, you can see brothers and sisters from all over the world listening to the call.
Related to the age, sometimes worries me that even with 12 years old or less they have access to internet and they read us, we have a responsibility towards them, with our example, guidance, language, ...
Sometimes there are brothers and/or sisters inside of deep holes and masha´Allah, sometimes it is like you can see with every comment how a strong, shining, golden chain grows to bring them out, and how with all their prayers the wounds of their heart begins, Alhamdulillah, to heal, I don´t believe I am an undying optimist, I think truly that there is hope, but I believe to that we have to work to get it, I have seen people under very hard circumstances being grateful to be alive, giving thanks for their blessings, the same I have seen others trowing the towel to the first stone in the way, we are who we are, but Alhamdulillah we can strive for excellence, it is one of our blessings and this is real, ...
When I was learning to get the driving license, the teacher told us,"when you are driving where you put your eyes, there will be your car", and experience has shown to me that this is true, where we focus, insha´Allah we will be, with this I mean that our ultimate goal in this life is our spiritual perfection through our physical perfection, and you know I don´t mean a perfect body, I mean a balanced body, then keeping this as our focus we insha´Allah will get there.
Only Allah(swt) knows whatever will be (qué será), Alhamdulillah, but I read this on this post: http://www.suhaibwebb.com/islam-studies/ways-to-be-near-the-prophet/
Rabi`ah bin Ka`b Al-Aslami (may Allah be pleased with him, a servant of the Messenger of Allah and also one of the people of As-Suffah) said: I used to spend my night in the company of Messenger of Allah ﷺ and used to put up water for his ablutions. One day he said to me, “Ask something of me.” I said: “I request for your companionship in Jannah.” He inquired, “Is there anything else?” I said, “That is all.” He said, “Then help me in your request by multiplying your prostrations.” (Muslim)
Brother, what I mean with this is that we need to work to help Allah(swt) to help us, please don´t leave it on a "whatever will be", it is more than that, Alhamdulillah, for someone could be praying more, or just begin to pray, for other learning the Quran or reciting it regularly, for others going to the masjid on Friday, helping the others, or thinking about giving more zakat, having only what it is necessary, for others put more efforts on getting up, to know when to talk, or to be silent, for others to go to work in peace, or taking care of the family in a loving way, for others to improve their habits or mood, .....it is an endless list, there are so many ways to help Allah(swt) to help us, Alhamdulillah, at the end, insha´Allah, all what we do during the 24 hours/day should be reflecting our Love and surrendering towards Him(swt).
There is something more that came to my mind related to two concepts that I would like you to think about it, forgiveness and tolerance.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaykum salaam,
Masha'allah, Sister Maria, what you describe is very good. I think sometimes because this is the internet, we take each other words incorrectly or with the wrong tone. I don't mean to be offensive towards this certain situation, but if you see how it unfolds between us two, then people get the idea that this is a healthy discussion and it should be like this in real life: back and forth, give and take. You present one side and I present the other so the flow of the conversation is related to people without us arguing, and you have done a very good job, Subhan'allah.
When I say "whatever will be, will be," it's in a reference to us as people not being able to wield control over everything and finding satisfaction with both the happiness and sorrows in life. When the believer says, "Alhamdulillh" for even the tragedies, they then become the true believer as they submit fully. We share the same view actually, so forgive me for not presenting it correctly. I think that because it's the internet that we just have a bit of difficulty seeing that, because I did not think you were ignoring anything. It's just a misunderstanding because again, it's the internet.
About the age though, it's a reality that children are exposed to much greater and harmful things than we ever discuss here and by explaining the Islamic perspective, at least we are trying to provide guidance. I believe that the age you mentioned is the same age at which on average, children are exposed to porn. What that means is that some children are exposed to it at younger ages and some of them actually experiment with sex. So if we can discuss the issues maturely as the Prophet of Islam did, we can guide them away from that, Insha'allah.
I know I need to work on the tolerance part, though. There are some things I need a lot or work on, too. Insha'allah, Insha'allah.
As salamu alaykum, Brother Professor X,
Thank you very much for taking your time to read my comment and answering it.
We all have many things to work on, I could make an endless list of my own, just say, Alhamdulillah we are alive, we are still on time, and insha´Allah, we will be able to do it.
Thanks to that we are here, Alhamdulillah, isn´t it a blessing to be able to share our brotherhood as we do through this site, giving each other our best and learning/helping ones from/to the others?
Your concern about teaching the right and healthy procedures of sexual life it is very clear, I support the way you are handling the questions about sex and how clean you teach them, guiding towards a healthy sexual life, insha´Allah, and helping the misguided to return to a healthy path, Insha´Allah.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
hi Professor X
My son has moved out of his home with his belonging and come back to live with us. He couldnt tell his father what had happened so he asked me to tell him. Which was last week.
My husband knew there was something up, it had to be serious, if he had moved back into our home. I explained everything and about the paternity test, you can bet he was upset then angry. On the one hand he doesnt believe in these tests, and on the other he says the other guy should have been tested too to be excluded.
He is angry with the girl for bringing confusion into the family equation. She decided herself that she would not come to the house because she couldnt face my husband.
But when my husband further said that she couldnt come to the house. She has taken offense to this. She is back on her high horse again. I am wondering where has that girl gone that was broken a month ago.
I am waiting for my husband rethink.. It will be some time. I am confident.
Even so he has not put any pressure on our son about divorce, mainly because of the children. The children are not going to benefit. He says the ultimate decision is the son's. If he can forgive her that would be a brave man. If not then thats another issue.
Since they have separated, they do speak, now and again, but not much.
Walaikum salaam,
DNA matching is like fingerprint matching in this regard, so the other partner does not need to be excluded if your son was determined to be the father. Just reassure your husband of this fact, as the only people who share identical DNA are identical twins.
I would strongly encourage your husband to not have contact with your daughter-in-law. His reaction stems from the male need of natural sexual dominance and wanting his son to have the same respect in this regard. This is why adulterous women are naturally and biologically looked down upon through human history. I do not mean to disparage the woman further, but to simply explain your husband's feelings from the male perspective.
If you are to talk to your daughter-in-law, ask her point blank about why she has reverted to her arrogance. Ask her where is the humility she professed? Remind her that anger in this situation is of the Shaytan who wants to lessen her repentance and shame in front of Allah (swt). If she goes back to the way she was in her attitude, it would wreck the remorse she is trying to develop on the road to repentance. If you are able to, help to remind her that the temptation of Shaytan is manifested in our everyday affairs and what he hates the most is when we try to reform ourselves, so he whispers to our ego to get the better of us and sabotage our journey onto the Right Path. The worse thing she can do now is forget this fact.
How are the children faring?
Prof. X
The question I wanted to see your response was:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/did-we-break-up-because-of-ex-wife/
It was actually posted by my very close childhood friend who is more than a sister, who has had some progress in the issue and is not getting - I helped her write it as she has been very distraught. Once you answer, I can share the new progress in the matter.
JazaakAllah
Sister Seernedipity,
I would prefer that you share the progress before I comment on the same post you listed.
I am a Muslim white American revert. Unfortunately, my son did not become Muslim, although I taught him about Islam when he was about 18 at the time I became Muslim. He married a Catholic girl from the Carribean and they have 2 children. She has always been disrespectful to me and has passed this on to the children. I am always left out of their lives. My son calls me once a month and we have nice conversations, but I am never invited to visit or asked if I need any help or helped to see the grandchildren. He helps his mother in law out a lot and she flaunts this in front of me whenever I see her. She strokes my son's hair, arms, etc. and bereates me for leaving Catholicism and he defends her! So he is part of the problem. I agree, the son has to take initiative. It's not all the daughter in law's fault.
I stayed with his abusive father for 18 years so I could protect him by not letting his father be alone with him either in our marriage or with joint custody, which I was really afraid of. My parents gave me no help. Finally, I left and then learned about Islam and became Muslim. My parents, brother, and friends all deserted me after I became Muslim.
I'm telling you my own story only because at the root of this problem is believers having to associate closely with non-beleivers, and it's just hard. I only today came to the realization that I can't do anything about my family situation, and my son is the only biological family I have left. It's true, what will be will be.
I did my job and now I can't do anymore, but it does make me ask myself why I sacrificed my own life for my son's welfare, just to get kicked in the teeth by him. I'm just glad I don't have to live with my daughter in law, and I hope your situation will work out soon. I'm always praying that my children, including my daughter in law and her mother will become Muslim, although I can't see how this can possibly happen, I still have hope. My "revenge" will be that they turn around and become Muslim.
As salaam I am a mother in law my son got married last year ALHUMDUILLIAH
As a year passed my daughter in law pumps my son and he gets angry with me for piety little things I have always said to my son and daughter-in-law stay wid me for a year then u can move out but we had big trouble wid her I have never asked her to do my cooking cleaning she was living her like a princess never asked her to do a job for me I have a sister in law she isn’t somehow jealous of me she took my daughter in law and them to talk behind my back few things come out and my daughter in law said it which no one knew except my sister in law now am done with all that I thought of them two are gonna talk behind my back let them I just want it to cum out before I didn’t have no prove and now my gut feelings tell me their are backbiting behind my back so I need a Dua which ALLAH SWT will tell me to who to keep away am very private person family problems should stay home not her telling my sister in law plz help