contemplating divorce
I am a doctor and since I have always been a good student I am confident that I can have a prosperous career and make a lot of money out of it. I have been told by many people that I am very beautiful too. Also I had always thought that I'd marry a guy who can provide for me and support me as well and not depend on my income.
When this proposal came up of a US citizen guy the only negative point that my father pointed out was he was fat. Which i ignored because i didnt want to judge on looks alone. I asked my father who by the way is very wise himself that how did he find the guy while talking to him? my father said he has done BBA and seems fine and has potential to progress in future. I asked my father about the guys's salary and if he has a place of his own to live in. my father said that's unnecesssary to ask the guy. Of course he has a place of his own to live in and its impossible that his salary is less than 80,000 us dollars per annum. And the guy told us that he was going to start his mba shortly from a world renowned university.
Soon i got nikkah filed to the guy in pakistan where i live. And he left for usa 2 days after the nikkah. After my nikkah i learned that he did not even have an admission to that university and he had lied about it. When i asked him why he lied to me he said he is confident that he will get an admission to this university so he told me he's already enrolled there and that it doesnt make any difference.
I did sabr over this and started praying that he does well on the entance test (GMAT) and gets admission. But I noticed he didnt give his studies the due time and so he failed the test. And then told me that's not a problem becoz now he ll be doing his mba from a college which I know does not have any reputation and is nothing compared to the university he had lied about. Later I learned that his income was only 30,000 us dollars. he lives with his khala and has no apatment or anything. It has been 6 months into our nikkah and he has not made an effort to get an apartment or sumthing. And he was notified about being layed off in feb. But he kept the news to himself until march and has not even received an interview call from anywhere as yet.
Based on all these things I am beginning to think that this guy is quite incompetent as compared to myself and also acording to my standards. Besides at the time of matchmaking my parents had formed and shown me an image of him which showed him as an intellegent competitive guy who earned well. But the reality is quite the opposite.
Also he expects me to work there as a doctor and doesn't mind or care even if I have to live in another state however far away from where he lives.
Now my problem is that I feel he is no match for me. And i cannot reach a level of mutual undersatnding with him since the mental differences are too much because I have always been intellegent and brilliant at studies unlike him. With my degree I can make 4 times as much money as him and I'm beautiful, he's fat.
Besides I have a feeling he's the kind of guy who has no firm stance on life and wouldn't mind his wife supporting the household.
I just want to get divorced because agar mjay khud hi kamana ha khud hi kahana ha phir kama k paisay jama kar k us k bacahy paiada kar k unhe b palna ha tou main akelay na rah lun?
Also I dont feel any desire to get intimate with him.
I dont know if i should divorce or not. pakistani sociecty makes life difficult for girls with a divorce tag. Even though just nikkah had happened, nuthing else has occurred. I just want to go back to being single and to the life that I had when I was single. I wonder if thats possible now? Tell me what to do.
apart from these complaints hes soft spoken, polite, and sends me gifts every now and then.
- Portia
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please espond to my post!
Salaam Portia, a successful partnership is one where the two make a good team for the future. Two competitive people may turn around and compete with eachother till destruction. Two afraid people will scare eachother into disability.
My personal view from what I have seen of marriages around me is that humble, content and easygoing males make the best, most dedicated and loyal partners - rarely succombing to temptations of greed, lust and other sins that can often accompany competitiveness. A content man who is happy with his life will always be satisfied with his life, whereas ambitious people can go off in search of more,more,more and this gets very tiring.
The happiest relationships i have seen are when the woman is highly energised, very active, busy and productive and the man is very stable, constant and regular.
The most miserable relationships I have seen are when the woman is meek, passive and regular and the man is highly energised, fierce, and ambitious.
So it all depends on the mix and combination of people.
If we look to the Prophet (pbuh) and his first marriage - we see a humble, constant and dedicated, honest man and an absolute powerhouse of a woman. We see love that trangressed death, a love that made future wives jealous from it's being so strong even after many years.
I feel that the Khadihah and Prophet (pbuthemboth) combination is the best model for log, successful and happy marriage.
So...really you need to know the mans character - not his income or education before you can make a decision.
First of all... I LOVE your response Leyla! because you described very aptly my own marriage. i am the complacent, content one, and my husband is the very ambitious type who has only ignored me so far. I do do do wish I had been wiser and married a man of my own choice, like one you described, calm, patient and kind and content. sigh. this world has so many broken hearts, Allah help us.
Portia, leave him, as his behavior seems highly irresponsible and callous from the very beginning. If you are just nikkahed, and no rukhsati yet, this is the right time. I know of several similar cases here in pakistan. I knew a girl who got nikkahed but her husband kept being very harsh with her in their communication. Finally she got divorced, no rukhsati. and is now happily married. so take it from me, instead of rotting later on and spoiling your life after rukhsati, get out of this potential mess now! I have spent 6 years with a man who is in no way my ideal husband. and all i have is pain and regret in my heart now.
forget about the lousy taboo on divorce in this society. you have to be selfish to be kind to yourself. you have to be selfish to save your deen. i have three divorced friends. they say better be single again than be mighty miserable in an unfulfilled marriage.
thanks. for your reply. reclkess is what he seems. Besides its not that he isnt making money dcespite trying hard. He just has a laid back attitude. He doesnt have his own place to live in. Where does he think he'll keep me after shadi? At his khala's house where he lives? His khala's own kids dont live with her because its not a norm in usa. Besides hes 28 and thats old enogh to have achieved this much.but still i am afraid.
I know wael you are correct. I have tried several times myself to convince me that hes a nice person and that I shouldnt be so vain. I dont know why somehow I dont get the right feeling about it. And I dont want to take any irrational step either. I just want to do what is right. And that I cant figure out.
Okay, well you surprised me there, Portia! I thought you would blast me for being insensitive and tell me to go to h***. But I have an obligation to tell the truth as I see it. So, you do have some humility and perspective after all.
Pray to Allah and ask Him for guidance.
Also, try asking your husband some of the questions you have, for example what place will he provide for you to live if you come to stay with him, and what prospects does he have for returning to work, etc. I am not saying he is blameless in the situation. He should have been consistently honest with you, but I can see that he was embarrassed that he didn't get into the university he hoped for, and that he got laid off. He didn't know how to tell you. That's not a sign that he's lazy, it's actually a sign that he has some pride. If he had no pride or ambition, he wouldn't care at all.
In the end, however, with your high level of concern about attractiveness and salary, I just don't think you will be happy with this man, which means he will not be happy either.
As-salamu alaykum Portia. I suggest you re-read Leyla's response. And abeer1, you say you loved Leyla's response, but I don't think you understood it at all.
Portia, I recommend that you divorce this man, because I don't think you are good enough for him. Therefore I think the two of you are not compatible. You would only make each other miserable.
You complain for several paragraphs about him and belittle him in various ways, then finally at the end you add, almost like an afterthought, "apart from these complaints hes soft spoken, polite, and sends me gifts every now and then." And what you fail to see is that his soft character and generous nature are the most important qualities of all, far more important than what university he went to or how much he earns.
So he's not rich. He is educated and was formerly employed. Millions of people have lost their jobs in this economy and finding a new job is not always easy. I have no doubt he is trying.
You, on the other hand Portia are vain and materialistic. You say that you are very beautiful while he is fat, you are highly intelligent and brilliant, you make four times as much as him, etc, etc. If I ever heard a woman talking this way I would not walk away, I would run.
Where is the faith, the desire to please Allah, the concern for the aakhirah, the kindness and compassion and humility that a Muslim should have?
I think that if you one day find someone who is rich, aggressive and super competitive, you will find that it has nothing to do with a happy marriage, or raising children, or finding joy in life, or fulfilling the goal of worshiping Allah.
So as I said, I don't think that you and this man are compatible. Since you have not consummated the marriage, it can be easily dissolved.
Yes, I may have picked up the part that resembled my marriage the most, from Leyla's post. I know she meant that if Portia's fiance is not ambitious it might be better even. But my assertion is that her fiance, now husband, did not tell the clear truth before entering the Nikkah contract. He gave a wrong picture about his salary, education and a place of his own. When the foundation of his commitment is shaky, there is not enough proof that he will sustain his marriage responsibilities.
I am not concerned about looks either. Because thats something I already knew before entering into a relationship with him. Even though my parents told me that that you can motivate him to lose some wight etc. But thats not what I am counting on. The other things that my parents had told me about him later turned out to be false. And its like I am in shock. I had a very high picture of him in my mind which was presented to me by my parents but the reality is quite different. I have been discussing the matter with my paternal aunt and shes advising me against divorce and that it was because of allah's will that I got married to him and so I should leave everything to god. And she says when I finally go there I d be happy.
The argument that "It was Allah's will" doesn't cut it. We human beings are free agents with free will. When Allah created us, He gave us the ability to make choices in our lives. If you divorce him, then will your aunt say that was Allah's will as well?
I just wanted to comment on this fatalistic "It was Allah's will" attitude. Such an attitude is appropriate for things that befall us from beyond our control, for example, illness, accidents, and other events. In such cases we must accept it and we say, "Qaddar-Allahu, ma-sha-fa'al." Allah has decreed, and He does what He wills.
But in other matters Allah has given us the freedom to choose and we cannot fall back on the excuse of determinism.
I agree with Wael's argument here - Allah does not send down a plate of hot, cooked food when we are hungry, we do it for ourselves - and if you dont cook and you starve you would not conclude that "It was Allah's will that we are starving and therefore we should just continue to starve because if Allah wanted us to live, he would send us a plate of hot, cooked food"
You're a doctor. When someone comes to you in sickness will you tell them it is Allah's will and send them home? Or do you treat them?
You act. You have all of the faciliies and faculties to act. So you must always act.
SAlaam Portia, a person, be they lmale of female will never be satisfied if they look down on their partner. And a person will never be satisfied if their partner looks down on them - so its an attitude thing. Some very successfull very powerful people are good to their families regardless of their own sucess, and others see themselves as incredibly superior and treat others badly. Likewise, some poor, hardworking, uneducated people will bend over backwards to help others and treat people with love and kindness and yet others who are the same are still mean and arrogant.
In my experience - what makes people have a happy life is how they are treated, and how a person will treat you is decided by their personality and character and not by their social standing, education or status. So education and status shouldn't be so important as character.
I have members of my own family are so lovely you just smile when they are around - we have great conversations, they phone regularly, help with the cooking and the cleaning, rarely complain and always remember me - babysit, fix what is broken, they are loving and giving and Walaahi, I couldnt tell you what they did for a living or if they have good degrees or no. Likewise, there are people who are just so arrogant and nasty and mean and make us feel bad all of the time and again, what they do for a living and what they studied I couldnt tell you.
Its character that you need to look at - really, its a man's character that wil have the greatest affect on your life as his wife - not his money or his education.
Leyla, what you have written here about the importance of character in comparison to status, education and social standing is so very true and you have put it so nicely...:)
I second that. MashaAllah she has a very good understanding of human nature and relationships.
Salaam and JazakAllah Hairen sisters ;0) x Peace, L
hey abeer! how do you get by if your husband is not what you want him to be? Is it obvious to your relatives that youre not happy with him or its just that you're not happy inside.
Portia, i don't get along very well with him, I used to, but a recent incident has changed that, so am contemplating Khula nowadays. Just gathering my thoughts and courage to take the step nowadays, it's not very easy after being married for 6 years.
as to leylas commemts her comments i'd say easier said than done. Im trying though but really its very easy to say ideal stuff but difficult to act on them.
@wael: I cant help wondering what led to your own divorce. I dont want to be hurtful or disrespectful.
yes fatima ur right. I never show him this side of me.And when I am with him I never talk about these things so that he can feel as comfortable as posssible. I always treat him as my equal in all terms and encourage him. This was just to give you people the real picture.
Sister Portia, do you find your question here has been answered to the best of our ability? Peace, L
Assalamualaikum.
Just trying to make a comment....
Sister Portia, maybe your husband is having inferiority complex due to your status...but he had tried to be the best as i understand it...but it seems that "luck" was not on his side...
Alhamdullillah of your achievements in life..mashallah..but as per my opinion, and as what you have stated,,sometimes the things that we have must not be exposed by ourselves...i know you are just want to show the picture. but the way you delivered it is very proud.
Allah always teach us to look down..for us not to feel we are up and somebody's down us...i know it must not be the "cinderella" thing...but sometimes..Allah will give us partners which is opposite us... instead of finding his failure,,and comparing it to your achievements,,,both of you should ask how to prosper the marriage...at the end,,,we will not be judge by our degree...annual income..or beauty..but on the good deeds that we planted on our lives...avoid looking for mistakes and incompatibilities....there's no reward on this.
peace sister..
masalam
@wael: How do I ask allah for his guidance? I mean I have been praying that but is there any specific dua?
Also tell me some dua to make my heart content and happy.
I just want that if i go along with the rukhsati(the giving away ceremony of the bride) i do it with full faith in my husband and my marriage. I dont want to do it half heartedly. I think if im half hearted i might as well not do it. dont u agree? so is there any dua to make this happen?
Istikhara prayer is very good. Take a look at some of the links at the top of the website with information about Salat Al-Istikhara.
What time shud I say the istkhara prayer? Just before going to bed? Or anytime?
Portia, you can pray Istikhara at any time, but yes, just before bed is a good time.
Also I dont think I'd be able to summon the courage to actually get divorced. I feel like a coward. I dont know what to do!
my parents went to see a religous person, we call him maulvi sahab here. Hes not mufti or imam. My parents told him that they had made a hasty decision while making my match. And now they are having second thoughts about it so they 'd like to do istkhara. He became very angry. He said now you have already made your decision and nikkah is done so istkhara is invalid at this point. And you dont do istkhara for such acts like divorce that allah dislikes.
He said that now that you have your daughter nikkah fied its your duty to send off your daughter no matter what since the guy doesnt drink, gamble or has had girfriends(as far as i know as yet) even if your daughter says she doesnt like him. Because she might like him once she starts living with him. However that seems highly unlikely to me.
even the reality is that my parents didnt give me so much as one complete day to think it over before making my match even though I had asked them for a week! I wanted to do istkhara but my parents didnt give me time for that. All the while I kept trying my best to convince myself that they made the right choice and things will turn out fine. But now 7 months into the nikkah convincing act seems like closing your eyes to the reality in front of you.
my mind keeps on thinking about it and i cant concentrate on my studiess or work.
sorry for bothering you guys so much!
You are not bothering us, portia. It's good to see someone making use of the website and contributing as well.
so is that right what maulvi sahab said?
maulvi sahab made some valid points. but in the end the decision is yours. no one can make it for you. and istikhara is certainly valid and helpful in all situations, even in case of divorce.