Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Did he marry me so I can serve his mother? Why am I being treated this way?

Ring and shackle

Dear readers, I got married at the start of April and before marriage the mother in law committed to my family that after marriage she would send me to her son in the UK or he would come to Pakistan to be with me. The marriage was done on that condition.

After 10 days my husband went back to the UK. He is the only son and supporter of his family including his sisters, 2 of whom are unmarried and divorced and live with my in-laws. My husband asked me to submit a visa application after completion of documents, which I submitted after 2 months.

I was living with my in-laws, and in the start the relations were very good but with the passage of time both of the sisters in law living with us started taunting me and my mother in law started saying false things about me to my husband. I am a doctor and doing a lecturership in a private medical college. My husband after hearing from his mother said "I'm not happy with you - you are doing this job with your wish". My mother in law whenever my husband called started telling him that her daughters do so much work but  me his wife doesn't do any. Whatever........ once I got so worried that in order to clear myself on one issue I called my husband and told him the whole story from my side. He asked about it to his mother and on the next call his behaviour was totally changed with me. He used to send me some money at the start of each month than after telling them about my pay his mother stopped him sending me money. I kept quiet though.

After 3 months the environment got so much worse that when I came to my mother's home, his mother called my mother and said  "If she wants to come here again she must quit her job and perform all our work".

Meanwhile the visa center asked for some missing documents that included salary slips. I asked my husband about salary slips but he refused and said "I don't have salary slips but I will send you an employer letter in which my salary will be mentioned as salary slips are not issued to me as I don't pay tax". I could not clear myself what he wants - does he really not have the slips or does he not wish me to come to the UK? Did his mother marry him so that I can serve her?

Now for the last one month I am living at my parents home. His mother and he also stopped me from visiting my parents. But how come? This was a new environment with everybody taunting me. and nobody has cooperative behaviour.  Now I have an opportunity to go to France on a scholarship that I have won for a fellowship. Should I go to France or continue keeping myself in this relationship where there is no guarantee whether I will be happy or not? Will my husband ever bring me with him or will he not as his mother not wishes so? My elder sister is already facing theses issues till 7 years and leading very miserable life. I don't wish to spend a life like this. Does anybody have effective advice on this issue?

asiya ahmad

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9 Responses »

  1. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
    الحمد لله رب العالمين
    السلام عليكم و رحمت الله و بركاته

    The women of Yusuf are the snare of men and made the wife of the noble unhappy. She , too , was drawn into the intrigue against the virtuous servant of Allah Yusuf meaning "To Add to."

    " This (say I ) , in order that
    He may know that I
    Have never been false
    To him in his absence
    And that Allah will never
    guide the snare of the false

    " Nor do I absolve my own self
    (Of blame) the ( human ) soul
    Is certainly prone to evil ,
    Unless my Lord do bestow
    His Mercy : but surely
    My Lord is Oft-Forgiving ,
    Most Merciful. "

    The testimony of the wife of the noble is before the court of the king. In this case you must have a muslim hold the Qur'an and have your mother-in-law and sisters testify to Allah the True Sovereign of their indicting (accusing) words against the wife of the noble. Within a fortnight Allah will draw the breath from the liar -s. " Now is the truth manifest (To all) : it was I Who sought to seduce him From (his) true self : He is indeed of those
    Who are (ever) true (and virtuous). 12. Yusuf 50-4.

    ..And ask him , 'What is the state of mind Of the ladies Who cut their hands ? For my Lord is certainly well aware
    Of their snare. "

    Your predicament is but the snare of the women of Yusuf. When deathly ill the Messenger of Allah asked that Abu Bakr Ra lead prayers but his wives forestalled that leadership. So Muhammad S {صلى الله عليه وسلم}said you are the women of Yusuf. (A snare to the true and virtuous ).

    Islam is being tested here. I would not dispense with a man supporting his mother and divorced sisters. For even with marriage of a son to his mother by dealing in usury-interest doubled and multiplied-- physically and financially caring for a mother and his sisters --without their prospect of marriage is a great undertaking and merited a great woman in his life.

    Come to common terms. Maintain a separate residence. And help in domestic chores for his mother by goodness with the freedom that comes and goes with independent living. Success breeds success. And every woman has her position. Neither belittle nor be dragged into family politics but lift your love for your husband to Allah. Know that the best woman of this umma Khadijah Ra commissioned work for Allah. Her profits tripled with Muhammad S {صلى الله عليه وسلم}. Then upon completing her daily chores would pray at the Kaaba. You too have the Noble Sanctuary (Al-AQSA , Jerusalem) as well as the Haramain (Mecca Medina) to repair to in daily prayers. Prayers of satisfaction with your work for Allah. The world belonged to the Mother. But Paradise to the wife. Paired to her husband. Repair to Allah. Turn to Allah within your strength. There is no ability , power nor strength except in Allah.و الحمد لله رب العالمين

  2. Go to France, you can always leave LATER. Your huband may not have a regular job and no salary slips. just ask him to send the letter and a copy for your records too. Some time it may not be easy to get a visa. Go to France and keep the relationship. From France it will be easy to get a UK visa. GO TO FRANCE.

  3. Sister,

    With the information that you have provided here, I honestly think it is in your best interests to go to France. This opportunity for a scholarship that you won for a fellowship may never come again. From the sounds of things, your husband and his entire family haven't a clue what marriage is all about. This man married you, he left you with his family, he is in London and due to conversations with his mother, he has stopped the progression of your visa. His mother told you not to come back to her house until you quit your job. Who is she to tell you to quit your job?! She also complains when you visit your parents. Who does that? Your mother in law sounds like a manipulative and conniving individual. Your husband married you under false pretenses and he and his family think they can just walk all over you. Make istikhara and seek Allah's guidance sister.

    The very best of luck to you and congrats on getting that scholarship!


  4. Assalam alaikum,

    I agree with Sister Najah. I would go to France on your scholarship.

    I suggest that you focus on asking Allah swt for the best and do not lost hope despite your sister's circumstances.

    The description of your marriage is not what it is supposed to be like--marriage is not a 2 in 1 where a husband gets a wife and live-in caregiver for his family. I hope that your husband comes around and realizes what life is supposed to be like after marriage inn shaa Allah.

    All the best inn shaa Allah.

  5. Assalamualikum,
    Dear Sister,
    This is truly a sad story to hear.Islam never and nowhere say that a married lady will do any work for anyone except her Husband.It is he who is liable to his duties.You are liable ONLY the work related with your household and your husband.That''s all.Hence,your Mother-In-Law and sisters in laws don't have any right to ask you any work or any money from you.
    secondly,if you husband is REALLY is not interested in you and there is lack of faithfulness between you----just ask him to give khula and get out of it.
    Thirdly,if your Husband stays away from you for time more than 4 months,you have the Islamic right to ask to return to you else you have the right to get out of the already there is a condition before marriage !
    Lastly,if you FEEL that out of all the things your husband loves you and due to their misreporting,he is getting tempted and you have faith and strength that if he ever in touch with you,you can change the situation in your favour,go ahead and just try to convince him that your scholarship will be good for both of you in future.You can understand his intentions..If he rejects for love,that is different.If he rejects for his mother's service only,means he wants to ruin and leave you.ALLAH knows best.Then take a call ask him clearly with boldness but politely,what he wants..
    Lastly and fisrtly : Try to have an Istikhara Salah...if you get any direction....
    But sister,please note maintain all FARZ when you are in FRANCE or PAKISTHAN.
    May ALLAH give you the right direction.

  6. asalamu alaikum,

    sadly a lot of Muslim sister get mistreated by their in-laws, shame on the husband for not understanding what really is happening. personally I think you should make peace with your husband, talk and try to fix. involve your parents or any respected person within the community. because of the hadith,

    Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us that any woman who dies in a state that her husband is pleased with her, she shall enter Paradise. So, try your best to please him (even when you think it is not worth it - it is still worth it)

    also a believing Muslim sister is not allowed to travel alone without a mahram. if you do want to go, tell your husband to accompany you there, the least thing he can do. although its not gonna be easy. despite that you still want to go, then its all up to you.

    ma salama..

  7. Dear Ahmad bhai,
    Do you know in the last call he has stopped me going to abroad for studies and said I send you the required doc. Before his call his sister said my brother has decided to come back to Pakistan within 2-3 months I said ok I dont need to go. Now its 2-3 months passed he didnt come. What our family felt is he dont want to come to Pakistan and is not capable of sponsoring as he dont meet the requirement now he just want to make me stop from going. now tell me
    what will be my future with such a liar man and his family if i quit from this chance of study also. He dont come , he dont call me to London on instructions of his mother than what??? this relation is all about trust. He is contnuously lying with me instead of accepting the previous lies he and his family told.

    • Since your husband is neglecting his duties as a husband etc you have the right for seperation. Thats the best thing. You need to solve this matter first othwrwise you wont be able to study nor carry om your normal life properly due to stress. Also your brother can accompany you abroad.

  8. What our family felt is he dont want to come to Pakistan and is not capable of sponsoring as he dont meet the requirement now he just want to make me stop from going. now tell me.

    He may not be able to find a job in Pakistan. At least right now he is surviving in UK (I guess). You should have gone to France. From there it would have been easier for you to go to UK. You have to be patient. He may not have a good job. Keep applying for scholarship to study abroad. If you get a chance to go abroad, go. Talk to your husband about your plan and not with his family. Ask him to be honest with you.

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