Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Discovered messages on my mother’s phone, what to do?

Woman holding mobile phone

Messages on the phone

Asalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatul Lahi Wa Barakatum. I pray that this reaches you all in the best of iman, health and happiness iA.

I recently found myself in a situation that has my heart heavy and my eyes filled with tears. I am confused, saddened, angry, disappointed and hurt. I am twenty six years old and the eldest of four children. My parents are very loving and have sacrificed a lot for us and my entire life my goal was to make them proud and show them that all of their struggles did not go unnoticed and i'A I become that person.

My parents do not have a great relationship. They fight continuously and I think they have just reached that place where they no longer try to make each other happy. I know that my mother is in the marriage for her children and my father even though he tries, it at times, is not reciprocated. Their marriage was not always bad I remember when they were good to one another. I continuously pray for Allah to put that love and respect between them.

Today I found a series of texts in my mothers phone. Her speaking with a man that we all know. Calling him "habibi" and how she misses him and him responding in kind. I can't express to you how I felt at that moment. It was as if the wind was knocked out of my chest. Soon after I left the house and did not return until late today.

I don't know what to think, how to feel most importantly how to respond. At this point I don't want anything to do with her. I feel that she not only disrespected herself, but her family and my father who is not  perfect but works so hard for us. It is hard for me to look at her because she seems like a hypocrite to me. She wears hijab, prays five times a day and tells us to strive to be good Muslims.

I need advice on how to handle this situation. I know she is my mother and that I should respect her but how do you respect someone that you don't have any respect for? I want to tell her to ask my father for a divorce because he does not deserve a wife like that. She is not a bad person. She has just done a horrible act. I want nothing to do with her but she was my best friend. I am hurt and lost.

I welcome your responses but please do not give me opinions. I need to know what I should do Islamically in such a situation. This is a very sensitive topic for me and I would pray you all would respond with no judgement.

May Allah reward all of you and help you in your time of need as you all are helping me.

Thank you


- fatima123

Tagged as: , , , , ,

11 Responses »

  1. Salamunalaikum,

    Firstly, you have to be very very very sure that you know without doubt that the messages are, what you think they are.
    If you have established that then send an anonymous note to her reminding of Allah swt. include the ayah from the Quran reminding about the husband's right to have loyalty from his wife and that Allah swt does not put a burden on a soul that it cannot bear.

    above all pray to Allah swt to bring her to the right path and save her from bad deeds.
    insha Allah swt, I pray she will be guided and repent for her error.

    Also you must shower her with your love, care and attention only for the sake of Allah swt.

    Shaitaan is our open enemy - and Allah swt has also said in the Quran that man was created weak.

    Offer nawafil and pray lots. May Allah swt guide us all.


  2. I think you should confront your mother about these texts - ask her why she's calling another man habibi and saying to him that she misses him. I'd actually be totallt blunt with her and tell her "how can you be such a hypocrite, mom? Wearing your hijab and telling us that we need to be better Muslims when you yourself are talking to another man?! You're my role model, if you do things like this, does that mean I can do the same as you? Have a boyfriend and call him habibi and talk to him behind everyone's back?".

    I think that might make her see sense and realize that what she's doing is haram and wrong...

    • Will such tone not be a little rude? She can probably say the same thing by being kind and humble, as the Quran instructs us.

      Abu Abdul Bari Editor

      • Sister Adina,

        Prophet Ibrahim's (AS) father was an idol worshipper. Ibrahim (AS) invited him to the straight path and his father didn't listen:

        Surah Maryam:
        44. "O my father! Worship not Shaitan (Satan). Verily! Shaitan (Satan) has been a rebel against the Most Beneficent (Allah).

        45. "O my father! Verily! I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficent (Allah) overtake you, so that you become a companion of Shaitan (Satan) (in the Hell-fire)." [Tafsir Al-Qurtubi]

        46. He (the father) said: "Do you reject my gods, O Ibrahim (Abraham)? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely before I punish you."

        An amazing response from Prophet Ibrahim AS even when his father is threatening him:
        47. Ibrahim (Abraham) said: "Peace be on you! I will ask Forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily! He is unto me, Ever Most Gracious.

        Given that when our parents are not even Muslim, we have to show kindness and respect to them, I would imagine it be even more incumbent on us to show kindness, respect when they are Muslim and find a wise way to help them steer back to the straight path, inshaAllah.

  3. I would suggest that instead of jumping to conclusions one must forbear from taking any erratic step. It is easy to judge a person and easier to misjudge him/her.

    One does not know the inner disequilibrium that your mother faces in her life. I would like to unequivocally state that I'm nether favoring nor disfavoring her. It is my disinterested opinion which needs to be taken into account.

    We are humans and your mother is indifferent. We are all capable of making mistakes. There are times when parents can also go wrong. I would suggest instead of coming up as an obnoxious angry kid, you should employ cogent cajolery to fish out her real emotions.

    In my humble opinion if you accuse her or charge with a barrage of accusations then it would only sprout more clamorous friction as She would either defend herself or emotions will overpower the situation. These are the ingredients for disaster.

    Talk to her only if She wishes to explain her predicament. If She doesn't want then to then let her go.

    Quit this hallucination that a person who prays 5 times a day and suggests people to be perfect can't make mistakes. One must not forget that even Iblis (Shaitan) was the leader when it came to worshiping Allah(SWT), however, his prayers were cosmetic and reflected his arrogance.

    You are an Adult and so is your Mom. It is quite evident that She knows what She is doing. You can talk to her only if She wants to but you cannot guide her or instruct her.

    It is true thou wilt not be able to guide every one, whom thou lovest; but Allah guides those whom He will and He knows best those who receive guidance. (Al-Qasas, 28:56)

  4. Assalamualaikum sister,

    I pray that Allah Shows your mother the right way. Sister, I know you are angry at her for what she has done, but Islam does not permit you to be harsh with her. If you can respectfully warn her, that will be best, like Saqib has suggested above. If you post a letter to your own address to her, that will be enough to let her know that what she has been doing is no more a secret. If you include Aayaat of the Quran and the Ahaadeeth concerning interactions with a non Mahram, that will in sha Allah bring her to her place.

    And sister, I may sound harsh in what I am going to say: you have no right to interfere between your parents when it comes to divorce. It is upon them to decide. Being a daughter, your duty is to strengthen their relationship and not break it. I am sure you do not want to bear the sin of separating your own parents, do you? Again, I am sorry for being harsh, but that was required.

    She is going astray, you must warn her, but staying in your limits as a daughter. She is yor best friend, right? Help your best friend come out of the trap of the Shaitaan and help your father in getting his wife back. Fights happen among many couples due to differing personalities and some other reasons, but we should not think that the solution for every such couple is divorce. Perhaps Allah Is testing you, too. You might get chances to actually intervene when they argue and intelligently make them both smile - I have actually seen this happen.

    So sister, look to warn her respectfully first. If she does not stop, you may take the next steps, based on what your first step was, in sha Allah. All the best.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  5. As-salamu Alaykum,
    If you do not wish to confront her directly, you might tell her there are some rumours going around. I believe this would be less threatening than an annoymous letter, which she may see as threatening if she believes someone is watching her. She may think the sender is trying to blackmail her. You could also indirectly advise her by telling her stories you have read about people's marriages being destroyed through such a man finding his wife's text messages to a family friend. Such stories might make her feel guilty and reform her behavior.

  6. Brother

    You are her son and it is not your place to correct you mom. Yes she wears hijaab and is Muslim.. she is also human and her bad actions at time don't represent her .as a child you dont know everything that goes on with a marriage of your parents..spying also is wrong.she is your mom and you should respect her period.she knows she is wrong but pushing her to admit it is just don't know how she is feeling she I'm sure knows she is commiting sin. I think as a mum if my child ESP my son soied on me..that he thinks he can haveownsership over me..wrong wrong wrong..let them handle their problems

Leave a Response