Divorced and Unhappy after Sincere Supplication
What is troubling me is the difference between the theory of good will that is espoused and the reality within the community. In regards to connection with Allah, it appears that anyone who turns to Allah with a pure heart on the matter of marriage will be rewarded with a suitable husband. Yet, there are many, many people all over the world who have indeed done this and have asked Allah for a suitable loving husband, someone who is the sweetness of their eyes, yet have received a tyrant in response.
There are many people who have made this sincere supplication yet have received a husband who fails, who is violent, who is unfaithful, unloving and the bane of their existence. How is this a suitable reward for someone who supplicates sincerely to Allah?
I have been recently divorced and sharing equal custody of my daughter with her father. I don’t plan to get married again. I have no family close by or friends in the city.
How should I be moving on with my life? What’s the driving factor here?
UmmSarah
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As salamu alaykum, Umm Sarah,
You have yourself and a daughter to fight for in this Life, you are blessed with the Presence of other human being that was put by Allah(swt) in your hands to take care of her. She needs you and you need her.
The driving factor for me here is Allah(swt) you have to look for refuge in Him, have faith everything has happened for a reason that is unknown for us, but for sure is for your best, you have a daughter and you have to learn to get out of the pain you feel, surrendering and coming back to Our Lord, insha´Allah
Divorce is done and you cannot go back on that and it is good that you stop for a while to come back to track with energy. Right now, it seems to me you are under shock for what you have suffered and you need to react, you have ended your relationship but you are still a mother. The days you don´t have your daughter, do you have a masjid where you can go to meet other muslimah and this way you won´t be so alone, is there any thing you want to study, to do, to learn?
I do think all of us deserve the best and despite these situations, we have to move on and keep striving, once we have healed the past. Life is one test after other one, we have to learn the lessons, many times being a student, we prepare our exams and we think we are apt, but we fail, giving up is not the solution, the solution is to know which were our mistakes, solve them and continue studying until we pass.
Faith and Hope keep us striving.
If you feel you cannot handle the situation, look for counselling, you will do your best, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect, Love and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister UmmSarah,
It must have been very hard for you, all what you have been through. But now you have your daughter and you need to move on for her. from what you have written, i assume you are in this state because you have been all your with some1 who was not loving, caring and all...it must not have been easy. But dont you think where you stand today is much better than before? isnt it better to be alone for yourself than being ignored, uncared, betrayed and be reminded of this 7/7 24/24? Sister, your situation is not so bad that it cant be improved, inshAllah Allah will give you the strength, courage and patience to bear this stage in your life...
Sister, the is past, its behind. Allah has written this in your destiny and Allah only will help you through it as He has helped you so far. It may be a blessing in disguise for you...be patient and have faith in Him. Allah will never burden us with more than we can bear...and its my strong, personal belife that whatever happens, happens for the best. we do not always see it now but surely do...doing you salat, reading Quran, attending Islamic courses and so will help a lot in this phase.
You have let go of your dark past...and you are MashAllah with your daughter...so you need to decide who gona win this daily fight: you or your past?? you have a beautiful life ahead, you have a daughter with you, you both can live your lives happily...so its your decision whether to let your past win over your present/future..
When you kids are not with you, use this time for yourself, dont think about your past and be miserable...as sister MariaM has so well advised, use this time to attend masjids or maybe you can do some exercise at home when alone, to keep you fit both physically and mentally (may also help you from being depressed...)
Keep yourself busy always like socializing with other womens in Islamic circles or do things that you like...start something new, cooking classes or anything new that interests you and gona keep your mind busy, atleast at the start until you are used to it.
Most important, you have a daughter to take care of now, alone i assume, so plan all and do your best for her. Focus on the beautiful things that you have, dnt lose your energy on your past or on what you dont have...
You may also feel like penning down your feelings, your emotions in a diary...who knows, it may help to lighten your mood and make you feel better. like you have talked to a friend.
If Allah has brought you to this stage, He will help you further, we just need to have faith in Him. Maybe after this divorce, you can try to get even closer to Allah, you have more time for yourself now so spend it in Ibaadat and inshAllah you situation will be eased...GRADUALLY BUT SURELY!
You will be remembered in my duas dear sister
Salam
Naju
My daughter is indeed the love of my life. I work fulltime, and doing the best I possibly can to keep her and myself together. She is only five now, but very smart, very resilient.
I submitted this post a few months ago. I have been able to kind of get back on track. I have always been spiritual and I'm working slowly to develop Rida in me for Allah's decree over me.
The question hoovers over me, after my long series of supplication over the years, here I'm.
If dua, sincere intentions and sincere effort is not a gurantee to protect from calamities and oppression, than what is?
I think, Umm Sarah, your question is completely normal. I have asked myself the same questions many times. After much reflection over many months, the answer I have arrived to is this: Allah SWT does hear our prayers, of that I have no doubt. However, as muslims we have to believe in divine will and destiny, or qadr. It doesn't matter how much we pray for something -- if it is not written in our destiny, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Instead, making sincere dua gives us peace inside our hearts and brings us closer to Allah on a spiritual level...hopefully, over the long haul, it will also help us accept God's will for us.
Yes, it is possible God will answer our prayers... He says in the holy Quran that if He wants something, He just says Be! and it is. But miracles don't happen too often.
Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Whatever is written in our qadr will happen, regardless of how good or bad we are, or how much dua we make. Keep praying to Allah for patience to accept what has happened and to give you strength to move forward. I often speak to Allah in quiet moments such as early in the morning before i get out of bed, or while I am driving to work. Speak to Him like he's your friend, and He will hopefully give you the sense of acceptance that you need to deal with what has happened to you and what will happen to you in the future.
I agree with what everyone has said, that maybe prayers will be answered in Paradise. As human beings we don't know what Paradise will really hold, other than it will be an abode of joy. That might bring some comfort to you, but don't dwell on it too much -- you should live your life knowing that you are accountable to God, but, don't live your life hoping and waiting for death. Patience and acceptance are the key....and they may not bring you joy and happiness, but, they may make your situation more palatable.
Good luck in your journey!
As salamu alaykum Umm Sarah,
Prayers always are answered, you may not see it, but the day will come where you will understand it, insha´Allah.
A "perfect" Life has struggles, that is the only way to stop ourselves, think about things, learn the lessons, be conscious of who we are, ... obstacles bring forward our best and our worst, normally nothing in the middle, and more difficult is the obstacle more extreme used to be our reaction. We need it to know who we are and where we have our limits. The only way to do this is going through tests. Think again about studying, how do the teacher know you have learnt the lesson? You have been tested and your prayers has been answered, not in the way you wanted because you are not able to relate yourself to the blessings you have received already, but you have received blessings, not the one you wanted but open your eyes and see what you have around, you and your daughter are healthy,you have a job, you are independent, you have a place to live in, you have food to eat, you have the love of an innocent, a little hand that holds yours full of Love.....Alhamdulillah.
I learnt throug experience that when praying I should not ask for anything, because what I think it could be good for me, could be my ruin, then I pray for whatever He considers the best for me, I surrender to His Will. .... Alhamdulillah, I learnt that lesson and I got ready for the next one. Then please, keep praying, with the certainty that your prayers are answered, He listens to us all the time, not even a single thought scapes to Him. Alhamdulillah.
Go to your prayers full of Hope and Faith, He is listening to you, Alhamdulillah.
Doubt and fear are cousins, take them out of your Heart and fill it with Hope and Faith, insha´Allah
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-Alekum,
I think the burden dua removes from one's heart is really amazing but once we start to think of our duas getting fulfilled on our own terms then we go into problems. I have heard that every dua gets accepted, its just our naivety that we cannot see its acceptance. The acceptance can result in immediate fulfillment of the need, or it can result in something being put aside for us for hereafter or it can result in removing a calamity from us. Here is something which i found online regarding dua and I think its a good read.
regards,
Why Our Duas Go "Unanswered"
A common perception and thought that generally passes a Muslims mind - Why are our duas so ineffective? Is there a deficiency in the manner that we ask? Why is it that certain people who live very carefree lives, openly violate the Shariah and propagate unislamic values seem to live very comfortably? They seem to be blessed with everything that they ask for and have no real cry or pressing need. On the other hand, there are some who are particular with their Deen, regular with their salaah and conduct themselves in a pious an righteous manner, yet they seem to be plagued by worries and difficulties. This situation seems to be very perplexing to many and it is appropriate that we examine the true nature and purpose of dua and the various benefits that Allah has placed in this great ibadah (act of virtue).
Firstly, the apparent acceptance of a person's dua is by no means any proof that this person is accepted or beloved by Allah. Similarly, the apparent non-acceptance of a person's dua is no indication of a person's rejection or non-acceptance by Allah. Instead, the matter can very much be the opposite, whereby at times a person who is truly beloved and accepted in the eyes of Allah seems to have his duas apparently rejected all the time. On the other hand, a person who maybe despised in the sight of Allah finds his duas being promptly and regularly accepted.
Sheikh Tajuddeen Ibn Ata Iskandari (rahimahullah) has recorded a hadith in his book; the effective meaning of which is, a certain person lifts his hand in dua, Allah instructs the angels to fulfil his need immediately, because I dislike him raising his hand in dua. Another person raises his hand in dua, Allah instructs the angels to procrastinate in fulfilling his need, because him raising his hands before me is beloved to me and I look forward to his pleading and requests.
Secondly, for a person to be given the ability to make dua is a great blessing in itself. A person who raises his hand in dua before Allah Ta'ala should never be concerned whether the dua will be accepted or not. A person should have complete conviction that whatever dua is made will definitely be accepted in the court of Allah. It is mentioned in a Hadith recorded by Abu Dawood, Tirmizi, Ibn Majah and Mustadrak Haakim that, Allah is extremely kind, One who gives without asking, Allah is extremely modest and shy, when His servants spread their hands before Him, He feels shy to refuse or reject their requests.
Thirdly, it is a failure and deficiency on our path that, if we receive exactly that which we ask Allah for, then we consider our dua to be accepted. If we do not acquire exactly what we ask for, then we consider our dua unaccepted. In reality, there are various ways in which a dua can be considered accepted. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said, when a servant makes dua to Allah, then through the barkat and blessing of this dua Allah Ta'ala certainly grants him one of three things, either that he gets exactly what he requested for, or his dua is reserved for a bounty and reward which will manifest in the hereafter, or a calamity is removed from his path.
Either way, we find that a person's dua is certainly heard and answered; however the outward appearance of its acceptance may differ. It is therefore our bounding duty to continue begging from Allah for our needs with firm conviction that Allah will favour a person with His mercy. To become despondent and neglectful over dua not being accepted is indicative of our naivety and short-sightedness.
It has been recorded in yet another hadith, that a person should not become hasty and wrestless regarding acceptance of his dua. It was asked that what be meant by hastiness? The reply was, a person believes that after making fervent dua, there is no response; therefore I might as well leave out making dua. In this way he stops asking from Allah.
Dear UmmSarah
Dear UmmSarah
I am really sorry you going through this difficult time. The only way you can move forward sister is be positive and strong not just for yourself but for your daughter. Yes divorce is very difficult to deal with, in time the pain will heal and what makes you stronger is this experience you learn and move on by improving and being a better person. I myself see other decent Muslim sisters who no fault of there’s been divorced and are not willing to be married or loved again, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a second chance in life. What you must do is really sincerely make dua from the heart and read your namaz regularly so you are more focus and you can look ahead this is a test for all Muslims we are in the same path. Some people are lucky and successful with there marriages and others are not it’s the way things are written to us to see how far we go as people choose the good path or the bad path it is a test sister you are not alone in this. I think that what is written is written no point going on the past leave it behind, get those negative thoughts feelings out of you, there are worse people than your situation. I understand what you are actually saying and concerned reply a beautiful response. Another thing allah gave you a daughter and yes you might be a divorcee but to me as a parent you must take steps of how you want to live your life ahead and I pray inshallah you find peace within yourself but also you stay happy and look to the future.
JazaakAllah Khair, thank you for taking time to reply.
Barak Allah Feekum, beloved Sister.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam UmmSara,
I read your post with feeling. I am in the same situation. However, I have two girls to take care of. Their father acts like his daughters cramp his style. So I am the one who is blessed by Allah (swt) to prays and worry for them, the mother, father, breadwinner, cook, cleaner, driver, gardener (pulling that wire thing nearly broke my hand!), budgeter, sometime plumber lol (thanks to Draino lol) and all of the things that come along with being a parent and caregiver. Alhamdulilaah. I have no family who are all in another country but some who call to give me moral support. I drive somedays til I am exhausted and refuse to give the girls store brought food and cook for them home cooked meals. They are reading Quran and have simply carried on Alhamdulilaah.
The way I see it is my life IS NOW BLESSED. My dua'a have been answered. I am no longer in a conflict ridden, loveless, careless, hateful, volatile, violent marriage but have peace and quiet and a stable home life Alhamdulilaah. All that time I realize the dua'a were actually answered. I was forced into the marriage.
After hardship there is ease. I am reading Sura Rahmaan, Yaseen and Waqiyah.
My daughter rode her bike for the first time today. She did it within the first half hr that she was taught. Alhamduliliaah. Give sadaqah, pray, take your daughter to the masjid as much as you can, pray while they are learn or learn yourself. Open your eyes to the possibilities and potential inshaAllah.
Reach out to muslims, you will find that they will help (except for those who wish to only judge without knowing) and everything inshaAllah will be okay. After all, Allah (swt) put us both in this situation, He knows we can handle it, and He is the One who created us, and knows us best than any human being...so you may not even realize it but your dua'a are being answered. Take care sister.
Jazak Allahu khair, sister Habiba, thank you very much for sharing, you have seen the roots of your situation, Masha´Allah, beautiful comment.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor