Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Do I ALWAYS have to listen to my parents even if it goes against Allah’s rules?

islam race rascism religion culture

"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of God is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And God has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)." 49:13.

Salaam Brothers and Sisters,

There is something that is bothering me a lot. I love my parents so much but they are very closed-minded to interracial marriages.

When I had conversation with my cousin (we were not alone, my mother was with us while we were conversing), he has told me that my sister & I are supposed to always please our parents. That pleasing our parents is pleasing God. He has also said that the only time we are not supposed to listen to our parents is if they want us to commit shirk.

I do not understand this because he said that if our parents do not want us to get married to someone of a different race we are supposed to listen to them and please them? I know that Islam is not a racist religion. Everyone from every race can be Muslim.

I also gave an example as if our parents have asked us to let's say eat pork would we listen to them instead of Allah? He said no because Allah has clearly said in the Quran not to eat pork but he did not say in the Quran that you can marry someone from a different race. Then I got even more confused because he said before that you can listen to your parents with everything they say except for doing shirk so wouldn't it be okay, according to him, to eat pork because we wouldn't be committing shirk by doing that? Wouldn't listening to them instead of Allah be considered shirk because you are taking their word above His?

Don't get me wrong, I respect my parents and I wish for strength to be able to please them the best way possible but sometimes I just feel like they pick and choose what they want to follow. I am not going to say anything bad about them because I love them but sometimes it just feels like they are making life harder than it is because they love their culture too.

My sister wants to get married and she has a good Muslim on her mind but is afraid that our parents would never accept.  Mom kind of accepts the idea but thinks it is extremely weird. She completely is against people not being able to marry someone in the same country but different districts but thinks it is unnatural for someone to marry someone else from another country. She says that Allah created different people in different areas and always says "People get married to their race all the time why are you guys so different?"

This hurts us a lot because we start to feel weird and wonder if something really is wrong with us. We just feel the opposite and think its weird to marry someone JUST because they are of the same race as us, we do not care if he is of the same race but has a good personality, practicing Muslim, etc..

Mom has been telling us about one of our cousin who she thinks likes a guy because he is of our race ONLY. We were shocked and told her that she loves him because of the person he is and not because of his race. If he was black, white, asian, spanish, etc. she would love him just the same, but even then my cousin's parent's disapprove of him even though he is the same race as us! Please give dua for her to get married to a good husband.

Dad is completely against it. He doesn't even want to hear about it. We have to discuss this in secret so he won't get mad at us. My mom once asked him hypothetically if he would ever let us marry someone outside our race and he said "Don't even talk about it, never bring that up again."

My sister is very upset. She doesn't know if she should give up and just let our parents decide her husband even if she doesn't like him because everyone keeps saying that no good religious man would want to be with her because "she isn't much religious herself". She is religious but doesn't wear the hijab yet (which she inshAllah wishes to wear very soon) and she wants to get married very soon so she can go to Hajj inshAllah because our father is sick & we don't have much money.

We just want to know, when is our limit to obeying our parents? Is it when it goes against Allah's law meaning all of it or just shirk only?

Please give dua for us to have our parent's soften their hearts and all our Muslim brothers and sisters that are going through this. I know many people are going through it and that many had to give up good potential spouses just because they were not of the same race. We don't want to go against our parents but we also definitely do not want to go against Allah. We just feel that it is wrong that even though the person is pious, good mannered, sweet, good personality, etc. that we have to reject him/her just because they are different. We love all races including our own but nowadays it is pretty hard to find a good spouse in our community, we want to broaden our search.

My sister just had to reject a man that our cousin knows well and thinks was a very good man (fasting, praying, etc.) because she had seen a picture of him next to a girl wearing a tube dress on facebook. She didn't want to judge him based on that but she didn't want to take any chances of getting hurt again. Asking for a pious man made them give us looks as if it were going to be impossible to find. We did not mind if they found someone who were good for us but there would always be something wrong so we decided to look ourselves but every time we would find someone they would not accept because of the race issue. I just wish we found someone that we all accept but it just never works out that way & my sister really wants to marry this man.

Is it true that pleasing your parents pleases Allah? My cousin said it in a way that only by pleasing them you will please Allah. I don't understand how that works out because then it would mean that Allah would depend on our parents pleasure which I knew was wrong right away because Allah does not depend on anyone or anything. He is independent of all needs. Plus we can please Him in many other ways as well such as fasting, etc. not just pleasing our parents (although that does not mean we shouldn't).

What are our limits? How are we supposed to react when our parents are upset? Should we just give in and give up, would it be a good idea even though we know it is wrong(the racism)? Please give us some advice and I hope this helps someone else going through this know that they are not alone. Please note that I am open to advice on both sides, giving up for your parents or doing what you want to do (but still not destroying relations). Thank you so much for all of your help.

~ Strawberryfields

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25 Responses »

  1. assalama alikum,

    i would like to give u some suggestions. in our quran it ws clearly given that we shud respect people from all races. at the same time it ws given that we shud marry a good muslim.
    a guy can marry a gal frm othr race . because sm hw she will change after marriage. she shud accept our islam frm her heart and nt fr u. bt a gal cant marry a guy frm othr race unless he converted to islam with his full intention . a gal marryg to a non muslim is fully haram as she goes under him.

  2. sister strawberry i will answer u about your parents obeying parents is one of the best works loved by Allah.it is nice that u r obeying your parents we must always listen to our parents but except in doing sins u said that Allah said u can listen to your parents with everything they say but except shirk.if u eat pork u will not be committing shirk but u will be committing a sin because pork is one of the forbidden meats by Allah shirk is not only the sin witch we will not obey our parent in it shirk is a sin and they many things witch are forbidden by Allah but when ever they ask us to do anything that is forbidden by Allah we must not obey them because pleasing Allah is more then pleasing your parents.your sister shystar

  3. strawberryfields, as-salamu alaykum,

    I see you've received a couple of confused replies. The simple answer to your question is that there is no obedience to the creation in disobedience to Allah. In other words, our obedience to Allah comes first. We must not obey any person who commands us to disobey Allah. Not even our parents.

    This is why In the Quranic ayahs where Allah ta'aala orders good treatment of parents, He precedes it with the order to worship Him alone - He says:

    "Worship none but Allaah; Treat with kindness your parents." (Quran 2:83)

    and He says:

    "Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; Be good to parents." (Quran 4:36)

    There are many similar ayahs. So you see, obedience to Allah always comes first, and kindness to parents comes after that.

    In the tafseer of ayah 83 of Surat al-Baqarah, al-Baghawee says: "That is: We enjolned good conduct and kindness to them and obeying those commands of theirs which do not go against the commands of Allah ta'aala."

    It is reported in Al-Bukhari and Muslim that the Messenger of Allah (sws) said:

    "He who orders you with disobedience to Allah - then disobey him."

    and he said:

    "There is no obedience to any creature in disobedience to the Creator."

    Parents should always be treated with kindness and respect, but you should not obey them in anything haram. So for example if they tell you to take off your hijab in public, or eat pork, or drink wine, or don't fast in Ramadan, or visit a fortune-teller, or "don't worry about your prayer right now, we're in a hurry, you can make it up later", or anything that is forbidden in Islam, then you must not obey them in that.

    It is wrong of your parents to reject out of hand a proposal from a good Muslim just because of his race. If a a good man comes to make a proposal, your parents should consider it fairly, regardless of race. Ethnicity and race are irrelevant in Islam. In fact my opinion is that marrying someone of a different race is beneficial for many reasons:

    - The genetic diversity is healthy and helps to prevent diseases.
    - It broadens your culture and introduces you to new ideas, foods, dress, etc.
    - It creates positive ties in the Ummah between different cultures.
    - It brings Muslims together and increases the unity of the Ummah.
    - The children will be more open minded and accepting of others.

    If there is a man who likes your sister, let him come to the house openly and make a proposal. Maybe when your parents meet him, they will see he is a decent man. If they reject him because of race, then try bringing in someone knowledgeable in the religion to speak to them, and explain to them that Islam does not discriminate.

    If none of this works, and if they are rejecting him purely on the grounds of race, then my opinion is that you can ask someone else to act as wali - for example the Imam - and marry him anyway. I don't believe that our lives should be held hostage to the anti-Islamic biases of our parents. However, this should really be a last resort, as it may poison your relationship with your parents.

    And Allah knows best.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Brother Wael,
      Masha Allah great advice. I couldn't agree more with the last paragraph. These seemingly religious parents read over and over in Quran, Hadith and Sunnah that racism has no place in Islam and also look at the current state of Ummah especially in non-Muslim countries. A lot of sister (especially) and brothers are emotionally blackmailed by their parents. What happens next; DIVORCE, SEPARATION etc etc and it's worst if children are involved. I personally went through these things when considering some sisters for marriage. A few sisters I spoke to simply didn't want to continue due to their parents back dated ideas of race, colour, caste etc etc. A lot of these sisters are not bothered at all with how big/deep your pockets are; whether you own a house or a car etc etc. All they care is someone who is able enough to support them and future family financially through halal means, has good moral, character, knowledge of deen and is practising (at least five pillars of Islam).
      What choice do I have now?
      Obviously, I am not going to wait next 10 years to marry someone here. That's the reason a lot of brothers are forced to marry from back home. I support these sisters in standing against these un-Islamic practices. Like you said; Allah comes before anyone whether they are parents, siblings, husband, children or distant family member or so called society/culture etc.

      @Sister Strawberry fields;
      Pay head to what brother Wael has said don't surrender in front of these cultural practices. I am not suggesting to dis-please your parents but at the same time don't go against what Allah has made halal for you; if you/your sister do so then you are only going to add to the number of sisters who are suffering already.

      May Allah (swt) give strength to you, your sister and other sisters in the same situation to stand for their rights and give all our parents the wisdom and understanding to follow the correct teachings of deen instead of "picking and choosing" and eventually putting their children through great pain and suffering. (Amin)

      Wasalam,
      Muhammad1982,

      IslamicAnswers.com Editor.

      • ~ Wael/Mohammed: Great advice from you both. But its all easier said than done. Being emotionally disowned by parents/family is not something that every person can function well with.

        ~ Having said that 'strawberry', since this Muslim man is local to you, it will be possible for your parents to atleast see him, get to know him and become familiar with him - even if they don't want to. The 'comfort' factor is a great soother and can soften the heart. Ultimately your sister is doing nothing wrong by wanting to marry someone of her own choice. The best thing you can do is to be her backbone, be her support and help lift her when she is losing strength. You can meet the man she wants to marry and ensure as much as you can that he is a striving Muslim with a good character. Either way, whatever your sister chooses, show her respect and support because Allah only knows how difficult either choice will be for her.

        Having said that, here is something nice: My friend went to an eid party in the park in Hounslow today and witnessed a white English guy take his shahaadah and a Nigerian bro and Pakistani sister get married. What two amazing things to witness in one night, SubhaanAllah, it would most certainly have brought tears to my eyes. 'Mix masala is happening slowly but surely', said my friend.

        Best wishes my sister,

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I just heard a great message by Yusuf Estes, his reminder was great. He said Allah changes the hearts and brings whom He Wills to Islam. So spread the message of Islam with kindness to your parents and if Allah Wills, they will understand. But if they don't, they have not rejected you, they have rejected the message of Allah.

          He then finished by reciting Surah Nasr, a Surah that I too have recited when in need of help. Read the translation and you'll understand inshaAllah.

          Ya Allah, Al-Wadood, I implore You as You are the 'Loving' to instill within us all, love for all regardless of the colour of their skin, culture, nationality or language, aameen. Please remove the veil of ignorance and racsism and let us be united through Your Pure Message, aameen.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • wow sister Z that is a good news masha Allah. How could I miss that opportunity even when I live a few minutes away from park. I would have loved to witness both the events especially brother taking shahada:) but unfortunately I wasn't feeling well:(. I didn't know that they celebrate Eid in that park (Lampton park) however, I do know that they host concerts and some other Sikh and Hindu functions (mela) there. I don't know how long they will be celebrating Eid?

          Any ways, it was refreshing to know that our community is Alhamdullilah opening up toward other races, cultures and backgrounds:).

          Wasalam,
          Muhammad1982:)
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor.

          • Salaam to all,

            Thank you so much for all of your replies! Things have gotten worse now because the cousin I have mentioned in my post have ran away and gotten married with the man she loves. He is a very good Muslim man who has tried his best to convince her parents to get married to her but they refused because they didn't like his family. They even admitted that the man was a good man. Because of this our parents are more strict now, they do not want this to happen to us therefore they are putting more guilt onto us both. They will not be able to take the shame if we do this also & apparently marrying someone from another race is a worse crime in their eyes. They will "not be able to show their faces to anyone" they will leave the country & never come back, disowning us completely as if we are dead.

            Our cousin now is telling us to make a sacrifice for our parents. This is what he said: "Your parents have sacrificed enough for you, you could actually choose who you want to marry. Your parents didn't even have that choice. They were just married off whether they liked that person or not. The only thing that they want from you is a man from (our country). How can you not make that sacrifice after all they went through and done for you?"

            This is seriously breaking our hearts and putting an intense amount of guilt onto us. Nothing is working out. He even blurted our personal business to our aunt who told us not to get a man who is too religious because then "he wont let you get out of the house." I was very offended by that and also the fact that my cousin let out my most private information & when I asked him why he said that he thought it was okay for her to know because my mom knows. Now this aunt will tell everyone everything and it will be even worse for us.

            I am going to listen to Brother Wael on this because everything makes sense & his advice is like a breath of fresh air to me. This shows that I am not the one doing wrong. It was hard for me to accept that because I grew up thinking that my parents were the best Muslims who followed Islam well. But it is extremely scary to picture our lives without our parents & our parents disowning us is a huge psychological pain they will put on us. But I also know that these traditions and cultures that go against Islam have to stop now. Thank you so much for your advices and comments, everytime I read them I feel a little bit better. 🙂

            -strawberryfields

    • Assalamualaikum my dear brothers and sisters in Islam. The answer brother Wall provided sounds right but there is something principally not right.

      Allah (SBT) mentioned to obey parents immediate after to obey him to show the importance.

      The sister mentioned that her sister knows someone and we don't know much details of how she knows the man. A female or male knowing someone from the opposite sex to the extent that s/he thinks the person is the best match for marriage is not something Islamic.

      If her parents wants her to marry someone they like and think best match for her is not against Quran and Sunnah. We need to remember that marriage is not only to fulfill the desire but a form of worship. Since the time of Rasul (S) that is how the marriage is being conducted. We are living in a non Muslim environment and are too much influenced by their ideology.

      I am not disagreeing to the importance of getting married with the people of different race or cultural background nor affirming the view that we should only marry to person of our own race or culture. We should try to educate the community and our parent with wisdom and respect.

      However, if our parents wants us to marry a person who is a pious Muslim we should not disagree. It may not be haram for adult to go against the wishes of their parent and get married to someone but in the long run s/he will certainly suffer. At least their will be no barakah and Allah knows best.

  4. @Salam Sister Strawberryfields,
    First and foremost sorry to hear about your cousin who ran away with her friend and has made your life more difficult. Please do everything according to Islamic teachings. While I don't support the parents with narrow minds and ignorant cultural practices but at the same time I won't agree to any step taken against the teachings of Islam.
    Don't worry they will come around besides what your cousin says about your parents is not uncommon or is it? Parents have been looking after their children since the start of human kind; they provide food, shelter, clothing, and means to educate them. This doesn't mean that you sisters should give up on what Allah (swt) has provided you with meaning the right to choose your own spouse. I understand how you feel because we all love our parents but then do they know about future whether it be with the man they choose or you choose yourself? Apart from that; sister someone will have to stand up for their rights and weed out these evil practices which have caused a lot of heartache and pain to a lot of sisters and brothers. SO BE THE FIRST:)
    No, definitely not; only Allah (swt) knows the unseen. So, when they don't know the future then why are they hell bound to make your lives miserable by getting you married to someone you don't know; or not attracted too or simply do not find a marriage material. Another thing I would like to say is that mixed race marriages have been taking place in the times of Holy Prophet (PBUH) and he has encouraged us to marry outside of our own race, caste etc as this will strengthen the Ummah further Insha Allah. I don't know what is your background and the background of the brother you or your sister are considering for marriage? but mixed-race marriages are taking place in our Ummah especially in the West Alhamdullilah:). This is very good masha Allah and shouldn't stop at all as this is what our Prophet (PBUH) wanted.
    I would say that don't listen to this cousin of yours; ask him the same question that I asked you like; have your parents done anything different? Isn't it something parents are supposed to do or have been doing so far?
    Please take the right step and don't become another possible victim of forced marriage which often end-up in disasters ruining the lives of all the people involved from both sides. These same parents realise later that they should have listened but that time it's too late.

    ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING WHICH I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH IS THAT;
    PLEASE GET TO KNOW THIS BROTHER WHO YOU ARE CONSIDERING FOR MARRIAGE THOROUGHLY AND IF YOU HAVE 1% DOUBT THEN DON'T GO AHEAD. I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS STEP AND LATER ON THIS GUY LEAVE YOU HANGING IN THE MIDDLE. THAT WILL BE THE WORST THING; ASSESS HIS CHARACTER, BEHAVIOUR AND HOW PRACTISING HE IS? IS HE SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST IN THE SENSE THAT HE WILL BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU THROUGH THICK AND THIN?

    Ask yourself all these questions before taking any serious step:)

    May Allah (swt) make it easier for you both and others sisters who are going through similar circumstances and bless you all with the brothers who will protect, cherish, love and care for you and will be a source of eternal bliss and happiness in this life and the next:) Amin.

    Waslaam,
    Muhammad1982:)

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  5. Salaam sister,

    I saw your post a while ago, when posted, and have been wanting to reply for a while now.

    Sister the ultimate rule in Islam is the hadith of Rasoolallah s.a.w - There is no obedience to the created if it means disobedience to the creator. That is to answer the 'root' of all your asking...However, is what your parents want here 'disobedience' to Allah? The answer is NO.

    " He has also said that the only time we are not supposed to listen to our parents is if they want us to commit shirk.
    We just want to know, when is our limit to obeying our parents? Is it when it goes against Allah's law meaning all of it or just shirk only? "

    I think what he was trying to say - and how it is - is that UNLESS your parents tell you to do something in which you are disobeying Allah, you are obliged to listen to them. If they are not asking you to do anything which is disobedience towards Allah swt, then you should do it as Allah swt has made it very clear in the Quran that after him and his rasool come our parents. This is not just for shirk- but anything sinful. So if they tell you anything thats a sin, you cant do it but you still have to respect your parents and please and try to 'compensate' it by being extra kind towards them. But if they ask us to do anything that is within our scope and not disobeying Allah, then we should do it unless they are taking away our human rights and being extremely unreasonable - which most parents do not.

    "Is it true that pleasing your parents pleases Allah? My cousin said it in a way that only by pleasing them you will please Allah. I don't understand how that works out because then it would mean that Allah would depend on our parents pleasure..."

    Yes it is true; pleasing your parents would please Allah, undoubtedly. As a general rule, of course it is true - it is one of the best deeds and most pleasing to Allah - that we strive to please our parents, respect them. So much so that Allah has mentioend in the Quran the importance of not saying even "uff" to our parents...think sister, not even a single "uff"...Allah found it necessary to put that in the Quran and make that a haraam action. What do you then think is the result of one because of whom his parents are weeping, that too not over something which Allah has commanded him to do? Just think.
    This does NOT make Allah swt 'dependant.' There are ways and conditions which need to be fulfilled in order to please Allah and there are things which displease him. Allah (Swt) is the greatest and his position and being is not affected by our actions, however, but natural our actions result in making Allah pleased with us or angry. One of those things, and a foremost important one, in order to please Him is kindness to parents. Dont mix it with dependancy etc...it has nothing to do with that.

    What are our limits? How are we supposed to react when our parents are upset? Should we just give in and give up, would it be a good idea even though we know it is wrong(the racism)? Please give us some advice and I hope this helps someone else going through this know that they are not alone. Please note that I am open to advice on both sides, giving up for your parents or doing what you want to do (but still not destroying relations).

    First and foremost, we shoudl do everything in our power to make sure they never get upset. When they do, what shoudl we do? We should try to compensate as I said..if an 'islamic' action of ours is making them upset then we be extra kind towards them in everything else and try to win their hearts. Kindness and respect should always be present but if you know they are upset with you, then you try to make them happy inshallah. That is obligatory regardless of why they are unhappy.
    If they are upset because of something we are doing which is not even 'islamic', then we should of course stop that action as well as apologise to them, alongside the kindness.

    Racism is wrong but because you are not marrying into a different race, that would not make you a racist and a partner to the crime of racism. Maybe your parents are racist but you guys dont have to 'marry' someone of a different race to prove your not, I think the important thing is the mentality and alhamdulillah you guys are obviously not racist and you know that all , regardless of race etc are equal. Thats what counts. If you think that 'giving in and giving up' is to not marry someone of a different race and that would mean for you to approve their racism, then know that that is not the case.

    I am completely against what others here have adviced you- which they wouldn't put in this wording but if they were blunt enough they should have , which is to leave your parents for a man.

    Look, read this and think about it= Islam has given you the freedom to choose who you want to marry, yes. However, that is not obligatory - you are not a 'better' muslim if you marry someone of a different race. However, islam HAS made it compulsory to obey your parents and respect them and keep them happy as much as you can. Allah is pleased with he who pleases his parents (As long as he is not disobeying Allah by doing that) however, Allah is not pleased at someone more for marrying of a different race as opposed to someone of his own.
    So judge for yourself...what is the wise option here? What here would be the logical, islamic and correct thing for you to do as a good slave to Allah swt and a good daughter to your parents?

    "Worship none but Allaah; Treat with kindness your parents." (Quran 2:83)

    Sister, I know it is wrong of parents to be racist and have such demands, however, sometimes in life we come to a point where its between choosing our rights or sacrificing a certain right in order to please our parents and not breaking their heart. And I have seen many people who have been stubborn over their rights, only to then realise that they could never be content and happy when their parents were angry (because they did something that they didnt HAVE to do islamically)..and yet I have seen many who have sacrificed their happiness and done something for their parents where they had a choice between two and Allah has made them happy and blessed.

    What your parents are asking of you is not something unislamic -first point. They are not asking you to do something haraam but have only 'limited' something where you have more options. What would be wise of you is to find what you are looking for in that 'limited' group which would be pleasing to you and to your parents.
    It may be hard, but it is NOT impossible - remember that. Especially not if you pray to Allah to make that happen for you...because when you pray to Allah and He sees you are trying to do something where you want to please Him as well as please your parents..where you do not want to upset your parents but at the same time not compromise the deen...do you think He will not respond to such a prayer of yours??
    He will respond surely..such a wise decision and prayer will not go unheard of, however...remember the right thing in life mostly requires a lot of patience and time.
    Most of the time you will find that you have an easy option and a more difficult one..and most of the time in life it not all, doing the easy one is the wrong one and the difficult one the right one. As the short cut will give you temporary relief but long term hardship, however, the right choice will mean instant temporary hardship however long term relief.
    Dont let the devil deceive you into believing that you are right , you have a right and so you can take the short cut.

    Can you (forget about the 'should you' islamically) think of a life where you are cut off from your parents? Your parents are wrong yes but you know these facts and their mentality ....so are you prepared - u shudnt be- but are to you lead a life knowing that your father is no longer speaking a word to you and that your mother cries herself to sleep because of you?
    You marry a man of a different nationality beacuse its your 'right'..years later you ahve your own child and will naturally appreciate your parents a lot more and know their value a lot more...you lie in bed, your partner asleep...you see your baby asleep and you think to yourself 'my mum went through all this and brought me up and now she is crying because of me?' And these are thoughts you will have if your happily married.
    Lets not even go down the path of you being unhappily married and being cut off from your parents. Seriously.

    It is not worth you losing your parents over. Trust me.

    Was salaam

    • @Faith,
      I suggest you should read the comments again and again as some people can't understand if they only read once besides we never encouraged sister to do anything haram (it is her Allah gifted right to choose her own spouse). Their are Hadiths where Holy Prophet (PBUH) advised parents to not to force their children into marrying someone who they are not attracted or do not feel compatible.
      Besides, there are always two sides of the coin. How many sisters you know who sacrificed their love for the sake of their parents; bowed down to their parent's choices and are happy today? On the other hand can you not see how many of these brothers and sisters get divorced today. I personally know girls in their teens who are divorced now; some of them with one or two children already. Divorce rate is one of the highest among the Muslims especially in the West; if you don't agree or believe then look around unless your world revolves just around yourself.
      A tip which you are more likely to ignore is that; you should give your own opinion which you are entitled to like everyone rather than choosing and picking on others especially not understanding them properly.

      I rest my case here.

      Waslam,
      Muhammad1982:)

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

      • @Muhammad1982

        "I suggest you should read the comments again and again as some people can't understand if they only read once besides we never encouraged sister to do anything haram (it is her Allah gifted right to choose her own spouse). "

        For your information, I read the comments many many times before posting my reply, and besides I never claimed anyone here told her to do anything "haraam". So your point is?

        Their are Hadiths where Holy Prophet (PBUH) advised parents to not to force their children into marrying someone who they are not attracted or do not feel compatible.

        This is irrelevant here because the sister here is not faced with a FORCED marriage. That is not her issue and clearly, as I felt before by the replies given and which you have clarified now, you are talking as though she is in a situation where she has unreasonable parents who are forcing her into marrying someone she does not like. She has clearly mentioned how they do have the right to choose who they want, so clearly her parents dont seem the type to force her into marrying someone. They simply have issues with racism and limiting her choice to that. Dont mix the two.

        "How many sisters you know who sacrificed their love for the sake of their parents; bowed down to their parent's choices and are happy today? "

        Many sisters. And brother. I dont do empty talk...I meant what I said when I told her that. Every single person whom I have encountered in my life, who has chosen the 'wise' option of trying to impress their parents and use their logic over emotion, they are very happy now. I have also seen people who have been forced into marriage. Again, dont mix the two. Yes being forced into a marriage - many are unhappy as they have done something UNISLAMIC..whereas marrying someone of your race is NOT unislamic.

        "On the other hand can you not see how many of these brothers and sisters get divorced today. I personally know girls in their teens who are divorced now; some of them with one or two children already. Divorce rate is one of the highest among the Muslims especially in the West; if you don't agree or believe then look around unless your world revolves just around yourself. "

        Brother..I dont need to look around. FYI, I am one of them.
        As you said, there are two sides to a coin so I could tell you here that one of the reasons for the high divorce rates is also because of the disrespect and unimportance given to the choice of parents. Divorce is not just high because people are forced into marriage - if that was the reason then know that forced marriage is not the new trent to cause a new problem of high divorce stats. However, disrespect, unislamic attitude and thinking and western mentality is the biggest cause of divorce in our ummah now and problems of this modern era we live in.

        Why do you talk to people, portraying this atttitude of you thinking the worst of them? This is not the first time you have done this. Seriously , sort your mentality, especially as an editor on the page. Do you think it is 'good thinking' as a Muslim for you to first and foremost say something like "if you don't agree or believe then look around unless your world revolves just around yourself. "
        Do you have any idea how ignorant you have come across saying that to me and now realising that I AM a divorcee, with a child and a muslimah. And for your information, I too was only 20 when divorced so not far from a teen. So who could realise this better than myself?


        "A tip which you are more likely to ignore is that; you should give your own opinion which you are entitled to like everyone rather than choosing and picking on others especially not understanding them properly."

        Well since you think I will ignore it anyway, I find it unnecessary to comment further.

        "I rest my case here."

        I'm glad, it was only so long I could have tried to be patient with your comments!

        Was salaam.

        • Sister strawberryfields, to sum it up, when I read your post, for a split second I thought my sister had wrote this, or myself! That is not similar our situations are.

          I was hesistent to go too deep into my personal life and experiences but I feel I had to mention that to prove to certain people here that I know what im talking about better than anyone here who has responded to you.

          -salaam

    • Dear Sister Faith:

      I only have one word for you: RESPECT.

      What a great response mashallah!

      Actually I am facing the same problem but I have decided to listen to my parents. I have weakness for girls of certain race, but I would not mind marrying a girl of my own race and country. That is the choice of my parents. I also acknowledge that my liking is more based on emotion whereas my parents are thinking more practically.

      To Sister Strawberryfields: Listen to Sister Faith and listen to your parents.

      • Jazallah khair . Your not alone brother, many are faced with this dilemma. The test is in how we handle it.

        May Allah reward you for your wisdom and grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes, and one who will respect you and your parents and who will be loved by you and them, Ameen.

        Was salaam

        • Thank you Sister Faith for your point of view on this I appreciate it greatly and I have tears in my eyes because this was very painful to digest.

          I want to say that I love my parents and I do not want to leave them, I want them in my life, I want my kids to have grandparents. I do not want them to disown me or my sister. I will continue trying my best to convince them but if everything fails I guess I will have no choice but to sacrifice for them. One thing I know about Islam is that you do not let your emotions get in the way of what you are supposed to do. In Islam you are supposed to listen to your parents.

          I just wish they didn't limit it for me, the basic right that I have to choose my spouse regardless of the race as long as he is a practicing Muslim. Please pray for my sister. The hardest thing to do is to give into something that you know is wrong, I never have this problem with Allah's words because even thought some I may not agree/may not make sense to me but I trust Him because he is my God and he knows all and I know by listening to Him I am doing something that is right. It is harder for me to trust my parents because they are human beings and they already make mistakes i see with my own eyes.

          It's just my parents don't limit it to only race but they also have to be from two part of our country & they can't be darker than I am & they have to have higher education than I do which makes it even more harder for us to find someone we like. I am from southeast Asia and over here there are people from every color but those who are dark are considered "not good looking". I just feel its really unfair, plus my mom just told me yesterday that this man who is 10 years older than me who proposed (actually it was his mother who suggested this, I don't even know if he even knew about this). He is one of my distant cousins. I would at least try to give him a chance but it will fail because he does not speak English at all and I do not speak much of my language. I am also afraid that he may want to marry me to come here because it has been happening a lot lately (since it's getting alot harder to come to the U.S with student Visas, etc. because of security and immigration issues).

          I also want to tell you a little bit more about Southeast Asian countries, please be warned that I am not talking about everyone because there has to be exceptions to everything. Our parents, like many others, have had their cultures and mixed it with Islam. We grew up thinking that this mixture of Islam and culture was the real true Islam and ever since then I have been having doubts about Islam and was extremely close to getting out of my religion but Alhamdulilah Allah has guided me after I found out the truth about this wonderful religion. The cultures of South Asian countries are heavily influenced by Hindu customs and most Muslims follow these customs without even knowing their origin. Therefore if I get married to someone my parents choose, most likely it will be of those who understand and follow our culture heavily. This will be extremely hard on me because nomatter how hard I try to explain to anyone I know from my culture this, they just brush it off or say that I use my religion to get what i want, I am an outcast, "Where do you think you even came from? A (enter ethnic background here) family?" so it is extremely hard to a point where I sometimes wonder if I am going to doubt Islam because if I am surrounded by them I sometimes get influenced.

          Infact I am not even allowed to choose myself any man that i see suitable to be my spouse or that Im interested in because my whole family believes that the man must send a proposal and it is shameful for the woman to do so, so by that they will reject any man that I bring to them even if they fit all their qualifications. I can give them as many hadiths as I can, explain to them that our Prophet (saw)'s first wife proposed to him and they will only say "so what?". And I am scared of what type of men they will choose for me because when I tell them I want a good pious Muslim man who follows Islam, has a beard (optional) and who prays in the masjid they think its a joke and does not take it seriously. please pray for me and my sister please 🙁

          If push comes to shove I have been thinking about just giving up and letting my parents control everything but I also wonder what if it never works out, because if I choose to listen to everything to them now and marry who they choose, if it does not work out i can not divorce him AT ALL. Divorce is something else that I can never do, and if i ever get divorced (because in life let's face it, things happen and it does not work out) I will the FIRST person to get a divorce in my family (my cuzins who have had marital problems would have to sit back and deal with it because divorce is not an option also for them) and that will be another shame to the family (even if he chooses to divorce me and I choose to stay). So if i choose this person to get married too and it does not work out I will have to stay with him forever to make my parents happy because if we divorce him chances are great that my parents will also not talk to me again and my mom will cry over it and won't get over the shame.

          Please pray that this gets easier for me and for everyone who is going through this because it is very hard :'(

    • @sister faith

      May Allah bless you for answering the questions in a great details.

  6. I completely agree with SisterFaith. Listen to her. I am going through the same experience as your sister here, hung between my own choice of marriage and . my parents choice...but you know what experiences around me has proved to me? The wise decisicion is to go for your parents choice in chosing the right person you want from your OWN race. This may cause temporary pain and trust me shaitan will come into your mind playing his tricks to remind u "this is UR right etc"..but in the long run a smile on ur parents face will bring 1000 happiness and blessings in ur life. I know for a fact if i was a teenager i would have commited the stupid act of abusing this right and marrying against their will but alhamdulilah i am out of that age and think beyond the current situation to see where future will take me. Marrying against ur parents wish will not only lead to long term unhappiness but also u will lose respect in the sight of ur husband who will think "if this girl did not respect her parents wish what will she do for me?", maybe he wouldnt say it on ur face but his actions in future life when u start living with him will show it. Your parents support will be like a strong backbone to ur marriage and if that is not strong, Godforbid if any problem arises in ur marriage (which is inevitable as any marriage at some point will face difficulties and problems) then this backbone will be very fragile and can make the relationship break easily...

    Anyways that is my perception of marriage, do something where you are NOT ripped off ur own rights as well as keeping your parents happy...that will give you ultimate happiness inshaAllah 🙂

    @ Muhammad1982..seriously are u an editor of this page? Please learn to respect others view in here..just a kindly remark.

    Wasalam

    • Salaam Sister muslimah05,

      I want to also thank you for your comment and giving me a new perspective on this issue.

      But I also want to defend Brother Muhammad1982 by saying that he has a different opinion about this and that his opinion is equally important as yours on this issue. Let us all respect each other and I say this as a reminder to myself as well so please Sister Muslimah05 and Brother Muhammad1982 please do not take any offense 🙂

      I understand what you are saying and that we should do what we can to make our parents happy, one of the biggest goals I want to achieve is to make my parents proud of me. The issue I have here is that they are being unfair in their choice of spouse for me where I got into a bit more detail in the post given to Sister Faith. I never want to rebel, I never want to "run away" with the man I want to marry but what I want is my parents to respect who I choose as my spouse and not reject him for unislamic reasons. I have urges like many others my age and I wish to get married as soon as possible but all those they have chosen for me have failed to show me that they will even be a good Muslim. And another thing is that when I get married to him and he is from my race I will not even be able to live with my parents anymore, instead with my inlaws (which i have decided I can not do >_<). I just can not wait forever because I am not allowed to look for my own spouse (by halal means of ofcourse such as by sisters who may know suitable brothers, etc.) because it is against my family traditions which narrows down to only my parent's choices.

      This is what they want in him:
      1. From 2 small parts of my country.
      2. Fair skinned (or lighter than I am)
      3. Higher Education than I have
      4. GOOD FAMILY (one small tiny thing wrong with the parents/family member then automatic rejection)
      5. Must be good looking (according to their likes)
      6. Must speak their dialect

      and many more I haven't listed.

      The chances of them finding someone like that is very slim and so far they have only been able to find only 4. I understand what you are saying but I can't spend my whole life waiting for them to find someone that I they choose that I will like. It's not because of race, it's being able to not have any limitations (except for Islamic). If I marry a man that has the same cultural beliefs as my parents (which is the goal of my parents anyway) then I am afraid that my children will end up doubting like I had & my children will be in pain because my husband will place these unfair unislamic limitations on them as well. I do not want my children to give up their basic rights that Allah has given them to marry someone of their choice as long as they are good Muslims & I believe no parents should give that sort of pain to any of their kids and not expect the pain back (as harsh as it sounds).

      So I will wait if there are any potential spouses for me that I may accept but sooner or later I will just give in and give up and just choose who they want for me. I don't know if this is the right choice or if what I am doing will be giving up my rights but I guess in life you have to sacrifice certain things. I may not be happy, I may be stuck with someone I would never be able to divorce if anything goes wrong but at least my parents will be happy and i guess that's the only thing that should matter.

      • I sympathise with everything you have said and have full understanding. Every single thing you have said, and all of the conditions your parents have and everything...because again, you are not the only one going through it and many are put in this very difficult state where you yourself see no solutoin other than a miracle of God.
        You seriously sound like an afghan girl who has turned religious and whos parents are still in the 'culture = religion and religion = culture' mentality, who sees no hope of marrying someone they and their parents will approve of and has been forbidden by her culture to find her own man even. If you are of any other culture, then I would be very surprised to see people of another culture so similar to mine as as far as I'm aware, it is only the afghans who do not allow their daughters to look as its seen as degratory for a woman to do so and she is supposed to sit and wait for someone to come forward.

        I have to dash off, however , I will remind you of this verse in the Quran, ponder over it inshallah to realise that ultimately, Allah created everything, including our parents and nothing is impossible to Him. He does miracles, but in ways where sometimes only Him and the person involved knows of this gift of His. SubhanAllah.

        "Whoever has fear of God - He will give him a way out and provide for him from where he does not expect. Whoever puts his trust in God - He will be enough for him..." (Surat at-Talaq: 2-3)

        Was salaam

      • Jazak Allah sister Strawberryfields and thanks for clarifying:).
        No, I don't get offended because everyone's has the right to their opinion. Problems starts when people don't even understand my point and take it negatively. The advice I gave you was purely based on the basis of the information you provided meaning the brother meets all other requirements such as deen, character, modesty, piety, financial stability, is respectful toward, trustworthy, responsible others etc etc. The main issue in your post is about the race and background of the brother you or your sister are considering whic is not from ISLAM at all. However, I never exclusively said that one should marry in a different race, background or culture just to prove that they are not racist. Besides, option that Brother Wael and I proposed was to be considered after all the other options have not worked tried. If a sister or brother thinks that they can't go against their parents' wishes even if their reasons are un-Islamic then it's not a big deal; it is ones' individual decision and they have the right to choose since they will be the one's living with it.
        Another reason is that a lot of parents mix Culture with Islam and that's where problem starts. Personally being a single male in late 20's who has been looking for a spouse for quite sometime now; this is quite discouraging to see two extremes; one where children follow the tradition and culture of their parents even born and brought up here with good education and career and knowing their rights. On the other hand you have sisters who are exact opposite.
        As being on the receiving end of the racism few times; I can completely relate with the person who has been rejected just on racial and cultural background basis (I really don't want to go into details seriously). If we don't stand up against these practices then who else is going to weed them out; it's like looking at each other that someone will take the initiative.
        I completely agree with you when you say that if you or your sister get married to someone who holds the same beliefs then your children are more likely to suffer in the same way as you both are suffering at the moment. Problem is that our parents especially from South Asian (Please don't get offended as I come from the same background but wasn't born and brought up here) background are only limited in their little world and don't actually face the problems our youth is facing here. We are living in Non-Muslim lands where Muslims are already far and few plus finding a suitable partner who ticks all the right boxes(practising, good character, modest, financially stable, respectful etc) is like finding a needle in the haystack and on top of that they put ristrictions on the bases of Caste, colour, race, background etc etc.

        Any ways too many problems to discuss in too little space and time:) but stay strong sisters and fight for your right; don't just give up but remain respectful toward your parents:).

        Wasalam,
        Muhammad1982.

        Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

        • Thank you Muhammad1982 for understanding and not being so narrowminded.

          I'm in a similar situation myself, and I can't understand how people can take so lightly on this subject. Yes you have to respect your parents, no doubt. And who doesn't want to please their parents, especially when that pleases Allah swt.. But what about the enourmsly magnitude of pain parents put on their children in forcing them to choose someone from their own country.

          I've been together with this wonderful man from another race, a good muslim for 4,5 years now. But i cry myself to sleep every night because i have to choose between him and my parents. More specifically, I came crying to my father telling him how I was afraid I would end up alone because first of all I am head over heals in love with this man, and secondly I am not attracted to people from my country. I cried and cried hoping he would see how much I was hurting. I told him how i love this guy, but have to tell him no because they wont approve of him. So he tells me that if I choose this man, it means death. And i asked, isnt it more important to see your own daughter happy, rather than caring about reputation and culture. He said that the traditions and the culture doesn't allow for anything like this to happen. He has threatened me before about this, how he is going to kill me, my mother and himself. I dont know what to do. I am so torned. I keep asking Allah to help me. I tried breaking things off with the man I love, but then I had no motivation to live anymore. I didnt eat anything, slept all day, had no strength and just cried all day.

          Given the circumstances I understand that I must leave my husband, because i certainly dont want to harm anyone. But i cant get myself to imagine my life without him.

          What if I never get over him? What if i never fall in love with someone else?

          I get so mad because my father isnt even a practising muslim. All his life revolves around is culture, nationalism, patriotalism. He doesnt work so he hasnt been supporting us for many years, which means my mom has done all the work, he goes out all the time with his buddies drinking and playing games, he has hit my mother several times as well as pshycologically abusing her for as long as i can remember. and I am supposed to listen to him? He has already destroyed so many lives, i dont want him to destroy mine too anymore. How can i respect him? If he takes my husband from me, that is the last straw for me. I have promised myself that if I have to leave my husband for his beloved culture, then he will lose me as a daughter.

          I dont care how much he thinks he loves us, what he is doing is not love. He puts his nationalism before the words of Allah and his own daughter. how can that be love? Thats just being selfish. Fulfilling your own needs before anyone elses.

          If I have to leave my husband (that is what he is to me), i can never respect my father ever again.

          Family is important, but being t\with the right spouse is just as important because our parents will eventually die. And then who are you left with? The husband. And if you are not happy with that husband, then what? I dont want to end up alone, I'm so afraid i will if i follow his commands.

          Please help me decide. im so devastated. How does one leave a person they love so much. It's like trying to choose what sibling should live and who to die. Its impossible. I dont know why Allah has put me to this test. Im not a strong person. And I dont know what he wants me to do. Does he want me to stay and fight, or please my father? I have gotten so many different opinions. Some say fight for it, while others say leave. I just wish I knew. What if I make the wrong decision? what if I leave my husband and regret it for the rest of my life. I dont want to spend the rest of my life thinking about him, what could have been, and what if. how can I erase 4,5 years of memories with this man? He is everything I have been looking for and noone will measure up to him in my eyes. I just feel like giving up life. I dont see myself being happy without him. He is my everything

          • I hope you have solved this issue, please give us an update on what has happened so far and inshAllah if you are still searching for help then maybe some of us can help you. May Allah make it easy on you.

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