Her father refused engagement after negative istikhara
Salat al-Istikhara in Urdu
Aslamou Alickom Brothers and Sisters
I need help, a friend of mine was supposed to be engaged to a guy (she knows him from work) and according to what she had told me, she performed the Istikhara many times (when the guy told her he wants to marry her) , and it was positive, and all things were going real good for her and the guy (his parents and sibilings agreed and were real supportive) but then after that when the guy met her family, her father performed it and said it was negative, and rejected the guy (based on the fact tht her father thinks won´t be a good match for her and he is not worthy for his daughter) , and that guy is a good muslim who have good islamic values, he pray all his salat on time etc so now she doesn´t know what to do, she said she knows her istikhara is positive and knows that guy is a good muslim, so my question in these cases should she listen to herself or listen to her father?
inayaa
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Inayaa, Walaykumsalaam,
You have not mentioned anything about the traits and characteristics of this man and we do not know what her father's reasons for disapproval are - so we cannot give a specific answer.
It is very important to remember that pre-marital relationships are forbidden in Islam. So it is vital that your friend keeps her dealings with her prospective husband at a distance:
- that she protects her tongue by refraining from unnecessary speech with him,
- she protects her hands through not touching him,
- she protects her mind through abstaining from thinking dreamy thoughts about him,
- and that she protects her eyes through refraining from gazing at him; as the signal sent from the eyes through the brain and to the heart is the fastest and most piercing signal ever and one that no broadband speed can beat.
***
Now, to move on: as Muslimahs we are encouraged to seek out a husband who will be good for us in this life and the next; that he is God fearing, he strives to pray Salaah, recite/learn/practice teachings of Quran, lowers his gaze, is kind, loving, gentle, charitable, is hardworking, wants to raise his children as pious Muslims, helps his wife with house chores, understands that it is his duty to be the main breadwinner and makes a full effort towards this, has a happy, smiling and light disposition, is a family man, is inviting and welcoming and is concerned for those who are suffering around the world.
After this, we need to seek the support of our parents. If they do not agree, find out the reasons why. Do the parents have genuine reasons for concern? Or are they refusing on grounds of looks, or culture?
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Inayaa, your friend needs to break everything down by assessing the traits and qualities of the 'man' and also by asking her father for his reasons for disapproval. Then taking a step back she needs to look at whether there is any truth in what her father is saying. This may be a little difficult as she may already be emotionally involved, hence clouding her judgement - so perhaps you could help her with this.
Ultimately though, if she sincerely believes that the man she wants to marry fulfils the Islamic requirements, then she should try her level best to convince her father and if necessary speak to other relatives who can influence her father, even an Imam. Its requires alot of patience.
And make lots of dua - this is the month of Mercy.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Very complete and balanced answer.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you Sister Z, my friend told me that they had limited contact only at work, he does has good traits like he prays, kind, respectful and so on, but her father is so not comfortable about this, because now a week ago or so, the guy told her " i never told you this before, i was married to my first cousin last year when i went back home (to his country) and it did not last long because i was forced into it, and i want you, my ex wife is pregnant expecting the baby real soon, so my parents are forcing me to marry her again" Sister Z he still tells her he want to marry her, yet she is not sure because she is afraid and he might just be lying to her again (he did that before more than once). I told her he is the one who agreed to marry that girl in the first place while all that time he was telling my friend give me some time so i be ready.
she is real confused now how come her istikhara came out positive? and i dont know how to help her, she is real hurt and heartbroken.
Another thing she still says it is positive but all of these things that happened i told her it doesnt seem positive :s
dear brothers n sisters
iam going thru the same situation ....
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