He cheated on me for five years, should I trust him again?
Assalamualaikum brother and sisters, I am going through bad heart break. 5 years before a boy proposed me for mrriage and spoke to my parents and all agree but when that boys parents asked for dowry, my family said no and so his parents rejected me saying I was short and had no match with their son. But this boy still came to my house and promised to my father mother that he will not break his promises.
I thought he is a good guy and kept waiting for so many years with patience as he was not settled and financially unfit. I later joined school as teacher and I even supported him financially, took care of his family indirectly by paying their house rent for medicenes etc. Allah knows I had always prayed for his success, he was trying to find a job in saudi arabia and I guided him fianancially to get all his documents attested right from his clothes till his tickets everything.
But since 6 months he kept ignoring me and hurted me. He would talk to me only when he needed money and never ask anything but still I thought may be he is tensed so. But suddenly he left to saudi without informing me, he said to me he is going to hydrabad. I kept waiting for him, keeping hopes he will call me, but I later found out he was having affair with a girl back of me since 6 months. He used to take money from me and take her out and do all dirty things with her as she was pretty and tall girl and from rich family who can pay dowry for his mother.
He ditched me and left me with betrayal. I kept crying in prayer saying 'Allah whats my fault, I never hurted anyone but still why this happened to me.' Then I decided I will not let other girls life to be spoilt like me so I contacted her and told her everything and that girls family were shocked as even there he had promised for marriage 6 months before and he kept me in darkness.
My 5 years for wait my sacrifices my honesty and sincerity everything was neglected and I was pushed into darkness. I mailed him and cursed him for all he did he asked for sorry to both girls and yersterday he mailed me telling why I cursed him so much and he never expected that I will speak so bad so he dosent want to marry me. But I myself doesnt want to marry him as he lost all respect he had in my eyes for him he lied cheated me broke promises he broke Allah promises, other promises, he has no fear of Allah. But as its been 5 years I am not able to get out of it and I regret for choosing this boy and trusting him.
I want my life to be happier and beautiful. I want to forget the past please help me. And please tell me can I ever trust this boy or give chance to him. I am confused as it is very big sin he has done and he never kept his words. Please help me.
~zoya123
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Walaykumsalaam zoya123,
In your own words:
- he kept ignoring me and hurted me. He would talk to me only when he needed money and never ask anything
- suddenly he left to saudi without informing me
- I later found out he was having affair with a girl back of me since 6 months.
- He used to take money from me and take her out and do all dirty things with her
- He ditched me and left me with betrayal
- that girls family were shocked as even there he had promised for marriage 6 months before and he kept me in darkness.
- I myself doesnt want to marry him as he lost all respect he had in my eyes for him he lied cheated me broke promises he broke Allah promises, other promises, he has no fear of Allah.
- I regret for choosing this boy and trusting him.
***
So after all this, what is confusing you? Ask yourself, 'do you think you should ever trust such a man and give him another chance when he has done all those things to you?' Sister to sister advice: leave him and never turn back. If you are feeling pain and hurt, that is only natural as being betrayed by someone you hold dear to your heart is a terrible betrayal. But with time, the pain will start to ease away and you will count yourself very fortunate that you got away from such a man. It is truly a blessing in disguise. If you give him a second chance, you will be fooling no-one but yourself. So busy yourself in doing tawbah and learning about your deen and about the life of Rasool(sws) and mix with good kind people.
***
The Prophet (sws) said: “If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption.” [Ibn Majah]
So - are you really pleased with that man's character and religion? I'll leave that one for you to answer.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
walaikumus salaam sister,m sorry for wateva happened vid u.About ur past , it cannot be changed ,so just dont tink bout it .And there is no need to go back to that boy again or give him another chance because a person (his fitrah) cannot b changed from inside and also he doesn't dezrv u at all. Pray to ALLAH(S.W.T) for better future now and m sure one day u l meet a boy who vil treat u d way u dzerve to b treated...
salam sis,
why on earth would u ever want to give him another chance? he is a cheat, a liar ....after all u said u've done for him n the way he wronged u n deceived u ...u still asking whether or not to give him a chance....sister don't be foolish ...all he was doing is using u ..i can't believe u still thinking about that person...u should completely forget about him ...forget the past....people go through all sorts of hardship n trouble...but this should teach u a lesson n make u stronger koz thanks to Allah u found out the truth about him before things got worse or gone any further....be happy ,live ur life, focus on ur studies or career or whateva ur doing n inshallah Allah will reward u with a real man, someone who deserves u, respects u n loves u .
wish u the very best of luck n don't forget that what goes around comes back around and be sure that Allah will punish him for his evil deeds,if not today ...it'll be tomorrow.
Assalaamualaikum my sister
Sister, I think it is better to leave this man forever. He is a liar and cheater. Your life is too worth to have mind battle about whether he will change or not as it is shown clearly what kind of man he is. Today you are in such situation between anger, regret, love still, five year “wasting time”, lonely but as the time goes by..insha Allah you will know your bravery to take a step to leave him forever is worth. Before you work and use your money to support him, now work and think about yourself and spoil yourself at least you find the way trying to forget him gradually or you can spend your time with your sisters of friends and laugh even after that when you are alone again in your room you will cry remembering him. That’s normal for some times but you must help yourself sister. Others just can advice and say sorry for what happened, but all is back to you. All depends on yourself to recover it. And of course the main thing is asking Allah to make you stronger and you can do more zikir after shalat or make it as rythym of your heart every day.
Salam
Salaam My Sister,
As hard as it is to believe right now, the memory and pain of this experience will fade away and disappear. The way you can encourage this to happen is to focus yourself on yourself and what is happening in your life.
As for the boy, do not blame yourself or chastise yourself for trusting someone: it is only natural that we trust people and invest our faith in them in some form or another - and being betrayed is not a result of your bad judgement, but a result of his bad character. Now that you know what his intentions have become and what he wants - the best thing for you is to draw a line under the experience, stick a label on it "the end" and move on with your life in strength.
When something hurts us (such as breach of trust, a betrayal or a significant emotional disappointment) it is only natural that we will feel bad about it and feel a sense of grief about it. However, do not let those natural feelings have control over you for too long. The sun will still set and rise and the seasons will continue to come and go no matter what is happening to us on a personal level - and so it is important that we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and say: "elhamdulilah!" - at least you found out now and not in another 5 years. Every day you spend in grief and contemplation about this matter is a waste of your day and a waste of your energy and focus.
Take stock of yourself - you are a teacher, you are obviously good with finance, you are organised and intelligent - you have a lot going for you. All you need now is the ability to move past problems and overcome pain and you will be able to add emotional health and strength to your list of character strengths.
For many women, when a man cheats, or betrays, or lies or leaves - the natural response is to blame the self - thinking if they were wealthier maybe, more beautiful, more pious (less pious!) that the man would stay. This is really and truly absolutely the incorrect way of thinking. Rich, beautiful women get betrayed just as much as all of the others and poor, ugly women have just as many loyal devoted husbands as any other - not because of their personal qualities, but because of the qualities in the men that they choose. It matters not how wealthy or beautiful we are - there will always be more beautiful more wealthy women out there - so thinking of your worth in this form of criteria is a big big mistake - stop it immediately.
Focus on yourself, your future and what you want out of your life - and continue to practice your focus like this. This experience will cross your thoughts - a lot in the early stage, less in the middle stage and soon it will be a faded and distant memory that you can hardly recall (even when you try). Our memories are designed to remember whatever it is that we rehearse the most: so tell yourself every day that you are hurt an your mind will recall it with ease - tell yourself every day that you are over it and moving forward and your mind will respond.
In my view, you were very fortunate here. Your good deeds are with Allah, and you have committed no major wrongs in the situation, you have not given this many anything other than trust. His breach of that trust is his responsibility and on his record: and you have been released from a potentially very painful future.
Get up. Dust off. Move forward and get determined about getting over it - and you will get over it. Be your own best friend,give yourself love, give yourself support, cherish yourself and cheer yourself on - cultivate an inner supportive voice that you can count on to make yourself feel better and soon enough: you will.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
assalamualaikum thanks sister and alhumdulilah today i thank allah for what i am today , i cried and went through lot of pain but a day came when allah made me realise my worth , today i am very happy allhumdulilah . allah is always with us he just wanted to save me its been 10 months all this hapnd it was like a battle within my self i just truned towards allah and he showed me a better today :):):):):) i just pray may allah help all those who are going through bad time in there life , AMEEN
that is so good to hear! may allah continue protecting you and may your strength be an inspiration for every one else going through similar situations!
OMG u dnt need him..u cud do better
Salaam,
You are soo lucky u found out befor marriage.
I found out after marriage he cheated and lied its much harder to fail now.
Please find someone who is a better person.
Salaam sis. Allah has opened your eyes and the truth has been revealed to you . You are very lucky to have found put before marriage. What will you do if you decide to marry him and you find out he has betrayed your trust again? Walk away now before its too late. Have faith in Allah , as he most likely has someone of better character for you. It will be much harder to walk away after marriage and trust me you do not want to be going through pain and sleepness nights over matters as you have described.
thanks sisters 🙂 may allah bless all of you who advised me sorry i deleted my all old email ids so could not login i just searched for my link and replied to all
Asalamualaikum wa rehmathullahi wa berakathu
my dear sister well you should be happy and thankful that you did not get married to that guy sister its a very great opportunity now first do tawba sincerely from your heart cry, begg, and ask Allah subhanatallah for his forgivness surely he will forgive 🙂 after that try to get closer to Allah and Rasululla saw . and surely Allah will giv you a very good person In Shaa Allah plase stop thinking abt him and start thinking abt our lord Allah and our beloved Prophet who just lived for his ummah 🙂
May Allah guide evry ummathi Muhammad on the straight path Ameen ya Allah
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
You have done consultation with other Muslims and this is Sunnah. It's pretty clear you need to stay as far away from this man as is possible. May Allah grant you an excellent husband.