Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I get out of marrying this guy?

Husband and wife tied-up in chains

My name is Fatuma and my wedding is this summer July 2012 and I’m not ready.  I do not like the guy I’m supposed to marry.

I said yes to my parents in the first place because they were mad at me for rejecting my cousin and I didn't wanted to hurt them again even though I was not happy about what I was doing-but now I’m trying to explain my parent that I never liked that guy.

But they don't care or listen to me-yeah the boy already paid the money and stuff everyone is ready for the wedding-but wallahi I can’t stop crying because all I was trying to do was make my parents proud of because I am the youngest in the house and I’m 17 years old I turn 18 in October.

These days all I do is sit and cry to myself asking Allah what I have done to go through this much of pain at this age and I try talking to my sisters and none of them are on my side all they tell me is “JUST GET THROUGH IT ONCE “and it seems like I can’t do that.

My daddy told me I’m going to get married no matter what I say and the same thing my mother said to m. -So my brothers and Sisters Help me Here all I wanted was to make my Family be proud of me but it turned Out to be the biggest mistake I done in my whole Entire Life-!!!!!!

So Can you guys please give me any suggestions of what I should Do--I Am a Muslim sister asking for  help!



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10 Responses »

  1. Dear Fatima,

    It is absolutely wrong that you be forced into marrying anyone against your wishes. Marriage is a life long committment and to have to be with someone we never wanted from the start is just torture.

    In a hadith narrated by Abu Huraira in Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67, the Prophet(sws) said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."

    So sister, difficult as it maybe, I can only advise you to speak up clearly and let your decision be known. If your parents still ignore your wishes, speak to the 'groom' himself and let him know that you are not happy to marry him. I cannot see him still wanting to marry you after hearing this from you. If after all your efforts, you are still forced to the alter - (as the saying goes), then make your wishes be known in public when you are asked if you agree to the nikah. Yes, that will dishonour your parents, but forcing you to marry against your wishes is haraam. I do not want you to be one of those hundreds of people who writes here desperately seeking help after being forced to marry. Be one of those who is able to stand up and use your God given rights insha'Allah.

    At the same time, I will remind you to practise your deen as much as possible, do not associate with non mahrams outside of the boundaries set for women by Allah and keep your strength. Stay firm in what you believe no matter what difficulties come your way - as long as you are doing what is halaal.

    SisterZ Editor

    • Asalaam alaykum,

      As SisterZ recommended, talking to the guy and telling him that you neither have any interest in him or want him as a husband is the fastest way to end this marriage. You do not have to be cruel, but be direct, firm and explain yourself. Tell him that you do not think it will work at all, and that you have no intention of finding out how miserable you will be if you are forced into this marriage.

      Tell him your parents are forcing you and that you hope that he fears Allah (swt) enough to refuse this marriage, too. Use the hadiths available to bolster your case and tell him that you do not want to live with him or copulate with him. Tell him that you are scared, but you will be brave to protect yourself as Islam demands. And lastly, tell him that a haraam marriage such as this will be a sin.

      We'll pray for you.

  2. AA;

    You will just have to keep talking to them and trying. Did you try to ask another family member to talk to them? like an uncle, an aunt. grandparent, etc. Maybe the Imam from the mosque can help clarifying to your family that marriage is not by force, you do nto want to get married, not ready, etc.

    I know you been trying to talk to your family, but you just have to continue doing so. Do not think of anything out of the Islamic way. Mashallah, you seem to be a smart young lady and knowledgeable with what's wright and what's wrong.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me. Allah knows best.


  3. Assalamualaikum,

    I do agree with nayla to some extent that you should listen to your parents and respect them but if they are forcing you to get married they are committing a big sin force marriages are haram in Islam they always will be! So you are wrong in so many ways..!

    You should tell your parents to speak to an Imaam if you get forced into marriage your Nikkah is not valid you will end up doing Zinnah with this guy he will not be ur husband!

    Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

    I find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

    Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

    The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

    “'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

    If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

    If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

    Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

    He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

    At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

    Also there is alot of misconception about love marriages!
    Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

    If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

    Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

    Secret marriages!
    Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

    Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

    Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

    May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

    Hope this information helps you Fatima to make the write decision please let us know what you decide to do as it may help other sisters thanks for reading.

    sorry if I have said anything wrong if anyone is affected or does not agree they can email me on **********************


    May ALLAH guide us all And protect us from Shaitaan!

    • Please refrain from posting your email address. If you wish to offer advice, you can do so publicly.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. They cannot force you to marry this man it is not allowed in islam you should contact your local authorities or imam and ask them for help as you don't wish to go through the marriage if you live in the UK their is a force marriage act which prevents anyone from being forced into marriage. Sister you must stand up for yourself and tell them that you don't want to get married and tell them that force marriage is not allowed!

    • it would be best to contact the imam, by calling the authority you could land your parents in prison, and that would not be beneficial to anyone, inshaAllah it wont come to this and once your parents realise they are going against islam they will let go of the matter.
      Keep faith in Allah and he will guide you inshaAllah.

  5. Fatima,

    Tell your parents to kindly give the money and gifts back to this young mans family. With all the kindness and respect you can find within you, tell your parents that you do not want to marry this young man...that you will not marry him and that it goes against Islam to force you into a marriage not of your choosing.

    Tell your siblings to keep their mouths shut and that you aren't just going to go through with it. This is your life you are talking about here!!! You are a human being, not a farm animal to be sold! You have feelings...wants and dreams of your own. You have a voice here Fatima...let yourself be heard.

    You may be seventeen love but, it is YOUR life you are talking about here. For your sake, don't just end up another statistic of a young woman pushed into a marriage for the convenience of your family. Just say no.


    • I totally agree with above sister.
      Fatima you have a voice to say No, say it before your life is ruined i wish you the best it is your future not your parents and they have no right forcing you.

  6. Saalam sister,

    You cannot be forced to marry anyone in Islam, both parties have to consent,so rest assured on that.Is there anyone that can talk to your parents, as marriage ia life long comitmment. Maybe an elder person, aunt,uncle someone who you can trust and turn to.

    If not then you are going to have to be brave and say NO. You can return the gifts and money and as for your siblings, I am very surprised at them.Do not take any notice of them.

    I hope it all goes well for you, but if your parents still persist, then unfortunately I advise you to go and stay with another family member or close friend,because I would hate to see you forced into a marriage that you are not happy with and at such a young age.I would hate to see your life ruined.

    May Allah Bless you and keep you away from harm.

    Take Care.

    Allah Hafiz.

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