How to improve my marriage sex life?
Dear fellow people, I have come to this medium to seek some direction and hopefully keep myself sane and most importantly get a solution. I know there would be someone out there who has gone through the same issues as myself.
I am male, 33yr old. I recently got married to my girlfriend of 4yrs, earlier this year. My now wife is an excellent person, has all the qualities that I have ever wanted. Saying that, things have dramatically changed in the bedroom. Before the marriage, (I know this is not allowed, but am saying the honest truth) we had a very exciting sex life and generally very nice love life. Actually just a couple of months before we got married things changed and we were not as active as we used to be, I thought it might be the stress taking a toll on her and things would return to normal.
We have been married close to a year now and we have had sex maybe a couple of times. I have spoken to her on several occasions and the answer has always been "that she doesnt even know why". At the end of the day I am a person who has needs and I love my wife very very much, but I have those natural wishes which need to be fulfilled too. This is very frustrating and is affecting me in my daily life.
What do I do?? I know the easiest way would be having sex else where.. but this is unlike me, I just want it with my wife!!!
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Not being rude or harsh, but one of the things what makes marriage special is sex, however in your case since you experienced that outside while you were in a haraam 'bf/gf' situation, marriage lost a bit of meaning for you, i would say repent to Allah for your sins before marriage, both you and your wife and beg him for his forgivnace, even though you are married you still comitted zina and must repent and pray that Allah forgives you inshaAllah, things will change after this and you will inshaAllah experience a better halal sex life.
Salaams,
I believe you are aware that by posting on this site, the feedback you get is going to be according to common Islamic understanding. That being said, the advice I give is based on the information you provided. The fact that you had unrestrained and frequent premarital relations is, in my mind, a strong indicator as to why you have had lower than minimal relations with your wife since marriage. When we commit zina without repenting, it often takes a toll on the intimate aspects of a marriage- if the relationship even makes it that far. From the view of most Muslims, what you are suffering is a direct result of "opening the gift before the wedding day", and the obvious solution would be to make tawbah and repent of the lifestyle you and your wife engaged in before the two of you married.
I am most concerned because you are describing it as though you feel you weren't doing anything wrong before marriage. You have to accept (if you are a Muslim who wants to please Allah) that the acts you engaged in were wrong, if your repentence is to be sincere. Once you have accepted that and have truly regretted your actions (you and your wife both), then you can move on together in marriage with a fresh start. It's very possible that this sin is what's been blocking your intimate lives thus far, so at least try this much and see what happens. If you find you are still having difficulty after making sincere repentence and having real remorse, let us know so that we can offer further suggestions to improve the situation.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mate you done zina but now asking how to sex it is not nhs site so you should seek a doctor and my advice would ask allah for forgiveness and you should do lot of foreplay before sex to give your wife a orgasm which will let you and her have good sex
@Mazedul Shakil
I know you're trying to help, but please do not be so vulgar describing love making. The Holy Prophet (saw) always talked eloquently regarding copulation unless there was no other way around it. The descriptions you typed sound more like man handling a blow up doll than a wife. I'm sorry, but women do not like to be thought of in this way and seduction is more delicate than this.
Regarding the topic, please take the advice given about forgiveness. If you do not make up for that sin by also giving sadaqa, you will be stuck in your sexual frustration.
It also alarms me that you even mention extramarital relations as an avenue of option in an off the cuff remark. Unlike you? It should never become you.
You really need to assess what you want from your sexual life as a deed of worship to Allah (swt). Until you realize that by respecting sexual copulation as such a high regard in Allah's (swt) acceptance, you will never achieve the level of intimacy and fulfillment with your wife.
ASSALAM ALIKUM,
if any one is having intercourse before marriage , then he/she will no more be interested in sex after marriage and will loose the joy of marriage. these things are happening with you also, your wife may be not interested because she had intercourse before marriage. be cool and pray to allah, treat your wife properly so that u will have peaceful life.
khuda hafiz
I totally agree with what you said if you have sex outside of marriage then the whole joy of being intimate goes away!
like others have said you both need to sit together pray and ask Allah's forgiveness and then inshallah your relationship with your wife will get better!
AA;
Also, you guys been together for so long that you should be able to sit down and talk about it! Maybe even try counseling. Maybe she is worried now that you are married, you guys might get pregnant, she is worried, it can be many things. Keep in mind, for men, sex is a physical thing. For Women, there is alot of mind, heart, and emotions that impacted it too.
May ALLAH guide you, grant you patience and shower you with his mercy.
If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.
AA
"for men, sex is a physical thing. For Women, there is alot of mind, heart, and emotions that impacted it too." bit of a generalisation.
AA;
I am not saying men has no feelings, love, and intimacy feelings for their spouses, but it is generally different from both sides. Even in the Hadith, the Prophet Muhammed (Peace be upon him) says that when a man wants to be intimate with his wife, to talk and soften things up (set the mode) and not just jump on her like animal.
May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.
If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.
AA