Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband has gone far from me since I refused intercourse

nikah, marriage, pakistani, indian

I had nikkah, but no ruksati, the next day my husband left for abroad, he came back after 3 months and asked me to come to him for intercourse. Although I wanted to do it too, I refused based on the fact that I was still living with my parents and in our custom it is not allowed to have sex before rukhsati as this could have resulted in pregnancy and people would have pointed fingers at me and my parents.

Islam says if a wife refuse her husband then it is a sin. But I was in different and difficult situation, because of this situation he has gone too far away from me and also that Islam is above customs and culture. I should have respected his need.

What should have been my act need guidance.


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46 Responses »

  1. Salaam s.

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. Nikah is sufficient for you both, you are lawfully husband and wife and you are allowed to have sexual relations with one another. So you should not have refused him. Sister please realise that a man expresses himself physically, and by rejecting him, it hurts him very much so it is no wonder he has distanced himself from you. You are right, Islam is above the customs and culture. There is nothing wrong with the husband and wife living apart, but if Allah makes something lawful, no culture or person can make in unlawful! Do not put culture before Islam. If people want to talk, let them - their opinions do not matter, only Allah's opinion matters.

    Make tawbah for refusing, as you are accountable to Allah swt for not fulfilling your husbands right and do not despair. Also try to speak with your husband and ask him to forgive you as well. You have said in your other post that he will only accept you if you apply for a spouse visa and go and live with him. He has every right (as do you) to a healthy marriage.

    So what are you guys waiting for? Go and live with him. If you can officially do ruksati soon then do it quickly to please the family and go and live with him.

    Sara Editor

  2. Why didn't you use contraception and sleep with him? It you find it too hard to channge the people and their mentality and want to be on the safe side, that could be a wise thing to do don't you think?

    This is why this whole custom of getting your kids married but prohibiting them from being intimate with their spouse..I find it absolutely ridiculous. Why must we make things so complicated when Allah set made it very simple?

    Anyhow, as Sara has already informed you, you shouldn't deny him as you know but I also realise that this is difficult for you. So the most practical thing for you would be to be intimate with him but keep it a secret between the two of you. And use contraception to avoid pregnancy. It is not as though you are islamicaly obliged to disclose your relationship details to anyone, including your family.

    Was salaam

  3. Speak to him and tell him why you refused, and your worries. I am sure he will inshaAllah understand especially if he is from the same cultural background, and no harm will be done. Try to get your rukhsati done as soon as possible, you are now husband and wife and it doesnt really make sense to be living apart as singletons. I am sure things will work out. 🙂

  4. S, you are married to this man under Islamic Law, and living under your parents' roof should not interfere with his (and your) rights. However, I know a lot of women who wait for the Ruskhsati, not only because of cultural pressure, but also because they want a ceremonious wedding night -- they feel that having sex before the Rukhsati will take some of the charm away. Think about this, and be honest in your assessment. Whatever the reason is, you need to tell him your societal fears, or your preference, or both.

    Alternatively, I have friends who didn't care for the Rusksati, and went ahead with the deed. If you are in the US, then getting a contraceptive should not be a problem at all. If you are in your native country, have him get protection from the chemist, as you do not want to risk a pregnancy, please make this VERY clear to him. At the end of the day, as Faith just said, you are not obliged to tell your family about your relations with your husband, and neither should you feel guilty about it -- this is not only his Haq, but also yours. Insh'Allah things will work out 🙂

  5. Would some one tell me what a ruksati is please . Is it a walima ?

    • Ruksati is not the same as walima. Ruksati is when the bride leaves her family to go and live with her husband. Of course the Rukhsati must come after the Nikah. In most cases the Nikah and the Rukhsati are on the same day. Some couples choose to do the Nikah some time before the Rukhsati (which is permitted in Islam.) This means the couple are officially married Islamically, but are not yet living together. Culturally it is disliked for the couple to have relations if they have not done Rukhsati but Islamically there is nothing wrong with it, as the couple are married.

      Hope this explains it. If you need more information search Ruksati on google.

      Sara Editor

  6. Ok i think i understand the ruksati now , indeed the best speech is the speech of allah the the best guidance is is that of muhammad may the peace and blessings of allah be upon him . Since the messenger of allah got married many many times and never once having a ruksati as did the rightly guided kalifa as those comphions promised jannah while they were alive or any sahaba then i must come to the conclusion that it is better not to have a ruksati . However because it is not a matter of worship then it is like everything not specifically unlawful , it has to be halal cause theres nothing wrong with it .

    Really once the nikah u both are married and lawful for each other . More than that the couple has rights on each other . when the muslims went to battle of Uhud and one of the sahaba. Hanthalah ibn abianer got married and the messenger of allah stopped the young man and asked him if he had consummated his marriage when he said no he ordered him to stay With his wife then join the battle the next day he left her that morning without taking a bath when he was martyred during the battle his body was founded and sahaba say the angles washing him on the battle field , about him the messenger of allah said the angles did this cause he was in a state of sexual impurity .
    Part of the explanation u will find in Source: "Al Bidaya Wal Nihaya." Ibn Katheer.
    U can check out the online version at.

    Point of benefit

    is if a sahabah , one martyred at the battle of uhud , could be stopped from fight jihad so he could spend with his wife then how much more important is spending the night with your husband than having a big party for your family and friends
    ( ruksati )

    And allah knows best


  7. my tuppence worth ...

    I never understood this nonsense to have rukhsati later anyway.

    but the point every one is missing is that the husband and his parents must have agreed to have a nikahh now and rukhsati later. and as a muslim u r obliged to honour ur oaths.

    so if the husband now wants to have his cake and eat it too then he shud not ave been hasty to this in the first place.

    he shud b a man and wait as the saying goes "gud things come to those who wait"!

  8. but now i want to apply for divorce

  9. S, why do you want to apply for divorce??? Have you spoken to him??

  10. because as i mentioned in my previous post that i can't get visa,he was lying about it.he was lying to me for last 8 months... when i found out of it he says that he wants to marry my younger sis... after nikkah how can he think of some one else n that too of my sister.
    he lied about visa just to get rid of me.n he wanted to intercourse just to destroy me completely.i don't know what revenge he wants to make on me

  11. Oh my goodness!!! I had no idea he put you through that!! Well done for refusing intimacy with him, he does not deserve you!! What a horrible man. Have you spoken to your family about him, and what his intentions are? Make sure your family and even his are aware of why you want this divorce!! He should be ashamed of himself. God, seriously, men like him really do make my blood boil, they really do!!!

  12. yes my mom knows everything about him. but not my dad, he will get hurt. his family is not aware, and they will give it a damn as he is their son. they will not think bad of him.
    my mom is bit worried as she think i might not get married again.who will marry a divorced girl

    • I dont think you should divorce him, but wait and see what happens. Another thing its not that divorced women dont get married, there are many maiden women (including me) who cant get married. Many divorced women do get married and then many divorcee dont. Its fate. So, there is no point in thinking that I cant get married because of this and that, its Allah's will.

      I mean I am being rejected everytime we try to move forward with a proposal. I mean I am not divorced, ugly, sick or anything but I get rejected all the time. So, it is pointless thinking such or such women dont get married.
      Its just what Allah wills and we have to accept it.

  13. Sister S, there are plenty of divorced men and women out there who have re-married and are living a much happier life. Don't worry about what will happen afterwards, just think about the now, this man sounds likea waste of time to be honest and he has his eye on your sister which is horrible. Do istikhara, seek advice from your sure your father will want to know why you are divorcing him, isnt it best to tell him the truth? Leave the rest to Allah swt, He will take care of you and inshaAllah He will guide you to a loving husband in the future who will stay loyal and sincer to you treating you with the respect you deserve.

    • Tell your father, your family and his family about this, not least so that every one will no that you are not guilty.. Sister, i understand that you are from pakistan and naturally your mother would be afraid of divorce because it is sort of a taboo in your culture, and most men (due to this culture) do not marry divorced women.. But sister this is as far as the pakistani culture is concerned, islam has nothing to do with this. you have every reason to divorce this man (except if he apologises for his mistake), and Allah will provide another man for you who would love you for whom you are, take care of you and make you happy all the time.. Just put you trust in Allah and always ask him to help you.. If you have the chance go to makkah for umrah during the ramadan (or atleast spend the last 10 days of ramadan) , do you tawaf round the ka'aba, spend the nights glorifying Allah in the masjid alharam and ask Allah what you want (ask him to provide you with a good, lovely and a caring husband)..... INSHA ALLAH, Your du'aa will never ever go in vain.

  14. thank u.i hope and pray that all goes well.i am really disturbed.

  15. Sister S, listen to what mohd is saying. Understandably this is a tough time for you, but I really really think you should involve your family and also tell his family why you want the divorce. You have nothing to be afraid of, you have done nothing wrong, and there is no need for you to be dealing with this on your own or with just your mum, get your family on board they will support you through this horrible ordeal!

  16. what if he acts in front of my parents that he is sorry for what he did, but he really does not mean it... because for the past 8 months i have been trying to make him understand but no use.i guess 8 month is a long time to come to right path.

  17. Well if you know that he does not mean it and in private when he is with you he repeats the same mistakes then forget it, move on from him and let him be. Dont let him mess around with you. Also, once a man has told you he was interested in your sister all along, I personally would not be able to forget that and I would always be on edge especially if my sister was around. God knows what he is capable of, his intentions dont seem right, and by getting rid of him I feel that you would also be protecting your sister. I cannot fully understand what you are going through so I can only advise to the best of my ability. But if you feel that he has changed, and you can trust him and ultimately it will not affect your relationship with your sister then give him another chance...otherwise, leave him for good and let Allah swt deal with him.

  18. but i love him. n i wish he could come back to me.... with true heart and intentions

    • Salaam sister S,

      Sorry to hear about your situation.

      You need tell your father. Most often fathers loves their daughters to bits, more than their sons!!! I don't know but regardless how your family or father would react, it is your parent's duty to help and support you in this matter. It is not fair on you coz you as a daughter with clean heart listened and married according to your parents wishes and now the guy turns out to be unreliable and not truthful.

      Your parents/family needs to sit down and talk to your husband. Your life is not a toy and your husband is not a kid either. He needs to take responsibilty. He can't just live you in the middle of nowhere- all by yourself. Stand up for your right. If the guy is not going to come back and accept you as his wife with love and care then you need to make the decision for yourself whether you want to continue with this kind of marriage (i.e. you can't get visa and so you will be in Pakistan forever with no sign of husband) or end it????

      Sister S, be strong! See if your husband is willing to live in Pakistan with you. There is never harm in asking for your right.

      May Allah (swt) make this phase of your easy and gives you the strength to face the end result.


    • Than should it be appropriate to take revenge

  19. i told my dad.but dad is not showing any interest

    • Right. In that case you have to do something about it. You might be shy and scared of your community as well as the shame that it may bring on to your family but in 5, 10, 15+ years time you will be regreting for not doing anything about it.

      You need to come out of your shell and express stressfully to your family that they need to fix this mess that they showered on your life. You married to spend the rest of your life with your legal partner and not alone. Sister, please dont remain khamosh/silent. If anything, you need to have your way. I hate to say but ask for termination of this marriage because no one is taking your feelings and rights seriously. If they still dont show care, make it legal case yourself.

      Sister, it is not SHAME and not SINFUL at all if you stand up for your HAQ/RIGHT in ISLAM.

      I really hope one of the other members on this site contributes their thoughts on your case. I seriously do not want you to live an unhappy life.

      Pray and make so much dua to Allah to soften your parents' heart and to make them realise of the consequence for not hearing out your unhapinness in this marriage. Pray to Allah to give you strength so you could stand up for your right without any fear.

      May Allah (swt) makes your situation easy for you.


  20. i have decided to take my revenge.i will go to his house whether he wants it or not. will live in his house whether he likes it or not. this way even if i am not happy he too will not be able to marry anyone else and live a happy content life.he should suffer too. so what if this way he is destroying my life.he has already done it.

    • no sister. Please do not do that. Revenge is not allowed in Islam. I suggest that you should take an expert or a well versed advise from an imaam or a marriage counsler. Please dont make a hasty decision. Remove the word revenge from your mind. Please sit down and think about your situation. Pray to Allah to make it easy for you and to guide you to straight path. Please be patience. And do seek an imaam's advise on your situation- Find out where you stand and what should you do within Islamic boundary. Please try to be calm and work on your stiuation, don't fight with it.


  21. when our beloved prophet ( muhammad ) was born , the servant of iblis( shaytan ) told him
    Now that ALLAH has sent his last prophet on earth , all the ppl on earth will come to DIN then iblis replied
    If I have no power to make these ppl worship idols and false GODs ill make these ppl worship duniya ( i.e property , bank balance , lavish life style - this is now called duniya )

    Conclusion - yup iblis did succed in diverting ppl mind muslim n non-muslim in duniya rather than DIN

  22. Revenge is not good s

    • then tell me what i do? i can't get free as my parents not supporting me.he doesn't want to do the marriage. why am i hanging in between? why am i suffering. what sin i have done for which i am paying.

      • Sister it may not just be about what sin you have committed. It could also be about what sin you may committ in the situation you are in right now. That is why you need to be really patience and pray and also make a lot of dua to Allah (swt) to give you solution to your problem and perform tawbah for any disobidence knowingly or unknowningly you may have done to Allah's command. we are all being tested by Allah and you too are being tested. please always have clean intention.

      • Sister s , plz tell me what the good will it do , after u take revenge will it change every thing .

  23. Dear s, i wish i could say something. I wish i could advice you on what to do... The only thing i can say (which of course may sound odd or inappropriate to you) is do away with this marriage. You can't just make you self so cheap and go to someone who does'nt even want you. If you take that step of going to his house, the consequences would be that you gonna be receiving physical and emotional abuse. You will hate your life if he is the kind of person that beat's women.. Seek for divorce and leave the future for Allah.. Dont bother your self about ''who will marry a divorce woman''. Allah will bring the right man for you if the time come's. A man that will love you, cherish you and care for you.

  24. i told my parents i want to leave, they said what if u get another guy,n what he is of same nature then?

  25. i know there is no solution,i can't leave n i can't go to him

  26. Except if you dont want to leave him.... Your parents cannot force you to be with someone that does'nt want you.. What gave them the surety that the next man you would meet will be like your present husband??? If you really feel this man does'nt like you and you think the marriage won't work, then you have to be bold my sister.. Be very very open to your dad and explain every thing in detail for him. Give him the reasons why you want to divorce this man and asure him that ''inshaallah, the next man will never be like him''... Perhaps by now you may have gotten the nice brother, had it been you are seperated from this man that is wasting your time..

  27. Gosh, I am so sorry for the situation your in. It seems your parents are lacking to give you the support you need! You know what, forget about everyone for a second. Just think about yourself, and your life. Everything you have said about this man sounds horrible. You have ended up marrying him,but Allah swt has also shown you his true colours, and they are not very nice! Count yourself lucky that you have found out sooner rather than later. He could have turned out to be the type of guy who abuses women, if the marriage continues what if he physcially starts to abuse you. Clearly hiis intentions were all wrong and he has admitted to this, what if the marriage continues and he starts to have an affair with another girl, imagine how hurt you would be. These are all worst case scenarios and I really really dont want to hurt you more than you are already, but these are just things to think about. Personally, I would only change my mind about him if you feel he has sincerly repented and feels guilty for his past behaviour and is showing this with actions, not just words!!

    Im not sure why your father is being so unsupportive, but you mentioned your mother knows everything too. Speak to her, take charge, and if you can get both parents together and tell them everything openly. Do you have brothers...? To be honest, if your family are not very helpful, then do istikhara and make a decision about him. Take time to think about things properly, with your mind, not your heart.

    I know that in the asian culture divorce is considered taboo, and thats probably why your dad is failing to show his support, as deep down he is trying to protect you. But obviously, if this man is not genuine and has expressed interest for your sister then he doesnt deserve you, why waste your life with him. Get out early, and leave the rest to Allah swt. Allah swt will make a way out of this difficulty for you, and inshaAllah bless you with a husband that will respect you and take care of you. I have seen it before, girl gets engaged to a cousin to keep parents happy, the guy mistreats her, she ends up divorced. But then a few years down the line Allah swt blesses her with an amazing husband, which is what she deserves.

    Its so hard to advise, but I sincerely pray tht you make the right decision, and Allah swt makes it easy for you, ameen.

  28. what i do,i can't do any thing

    • Can you not call him (your husband) and try to talk to him?- tell him how you feel and that you want things to work out. And then see what he says and what opitions he may suggest....

      Other then that you just have to bug your parents about it- make them realise that this effecting your life...

      If that doesnt work, then try to seek help from your trusted aunts or uncles... even your grandparents...

      Or like I said before, get an advise from an Imam or a marriage counsler

  29. i did talk to my aunt, she said that even u get a freedom from him what use it will be off,it will be like u will be sitting at home whole ur life. my parents say to wait can't they see that he is just dragging the situations that's all,every month he give new dates, then he says sorry he can't do it.
    it is making me so irritated. i am fighting with my mom n everybody in the family.
    why don't they let me do what i want,why do i have to wait.

    • Its been a long time since you answered. What is the present scenario? Is everything alright? Or you still with him or not?

      Thank you

      • i am still in a bad situtaion, he say he doesnt like my nature... its rude, but belive me my nature was just the reaction to his actions thats all, if i ask for marriage no response, if i ask for divrce again no response from him....

        • you need to get him the divorce because obviously its not working out, i didn't nderstand that your aunt said that

          "even u get a freedom from him what use it will be off,it will be like u will be sitting at home whole ur life."

          why did she say that? are you not a virgin? or are you aged now? or there is something which will not let you get married to some other guy again?

  30. i understand your situation from your previous post in which you said that there were visa issues and you can't go to him abroad and that he want a wife with him, if you don't get to be with him, he will marry another

    and you are justified to refuse him intercourse if your marriage is still hanging in the balance, it is good because if you don't intercourse with him and don't do rukhsati, you can easily find someone you can get united with. and be present with you

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