Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband is not interested in sex

Sexless marriage

A sexless marriage

Question:

Assalamu alaikum,

My husband loves me very much, but he is not interested in sex.

We got married 1 year ago. We have not contacted in sex since 10 months. When I ask him about it nicely, he is saying that next week he will start . He considers it as a difficulty to do it and all.

We will sleep together with love, but no sex.

Sometimes I will cry by myself. His fear of God is less and he is irresponsible to family life. Still we love each other.

I have discussed with him so many times... at times he will listen all and will say everything will be fine,  but with no real change at all.

Please give me a powerful dua for getting interest in sex to my husband with me... and for God fearing also.

- Nabeela

Leyla's Answer

Salaam Dear Sister Nabeela,

I am sorry for your troubles. Sexless marriage can occur when there are deeper issues that the couple are not facing or sharing with each other, lack of attraction, stress or a sexual problem (such as impotence).

Sexlessness can occur when couples stop trying to attract and arouse each other and the intimate side of their lives become stagnant and boring. Once the intimate side of a relationship becomes stagnant and predictable, couples lose interest in each other, so if this is the case with you then you could try seducing your husband, making yourself look nice, offering massage, setting a nice scene and reigniting the romance between you. If bedtime has become a set part of your life like dinner or chores then expect it to feel the same as well - work.

Sexlessness can also occur if a man feels criticised about his sexual prowess, if you have complained, told him it's not good for you or that you get no pleasure from it - then he will recoil from you and feel anxiety about the act and is likely to avoid it altogether as a man would rather not do it than do it and get bad results. If this is the case, then complimenting him and reminding him that you love him, and find him attractive should encourage him to try again. If you are pressuring him to do it, he will feel this pressure and this will act as a turn off for him.

Another, more important reason, is that they may be something in your marriage that you are not sharing with each other a worry, or a concern between you. There could be work stress, or bad health or a lack of intimacy or bond that draws couples together. There may be something in your relationship that he can't speak to you about or he may have a problem in his life that is worrying him. If this is the case then you have done the right thing by raising the issue and asking him if everything is OK. Remind him that the point of the conversation is to be honest (even if that honesty hurts) and ask him to share with you honestly, without regard for how you might react, at what the problem is. If he feels safe in the conversation and believes that you will not begin to scream and cry, then he may have the courage to tell you what it is.

Do not be offended if he tells you he has lost attraction, or anything like this - as what he tells you are things that you can work on and appreciate that he is being honest with you. Attraction is a mental as well as physical thing and there are plenty of ways to solve any relationship problem that is affecting you in the bedroom.

The thing to remember is that even men get frustrated and emotional and whilst they are not the crying types, their stress and hidden feelings will manifest in different ways. If you can create a safe environment in which he is able to be honest with you , you can (by keeping your cool and understanding that this is a problem that you can only solve by knowing what it is) mend the problem.

If all of this fails, then I would recommend marriage guidance counselling.

On the subject of his irresponsibility toward his family, this again is most likely a symptom of something he can't say out loud - and so is acting in a way which lets you know he has something on his mind. If you can achieve openness and honesty with him and control your instinctive reaction from "I'm upset about this" to "I sincerely want to help you with this" you should, inshaAllah see some result from what he is trying to communicate with you.

Peace,

Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaam Dear Sister,

    I am sorry for your troubles. Sexless marriage can occur when there are deeper issues that the couple are not facing or sharing with each other, lack of attraction, stress or a sexual problem (such as impotence).

    Sexlessness can occur when couples stop trying to attract and arouse each other and the intimate side of their lives become stagnant and boring. Once the intimate side of a relationship becomes stagnant and predictable, couples lose interest in each other, so if this is the case with you then you could try seducing your husband, making yourself look nice, offering massage, setting a nice scene and reigniting the romance between you. If bedtime has become a set part of your life like dinner or chores then expect it to feel the same as well - work.

    Sexlessness can also occur if a man feels criticised about his sexual prowess, if you have complained, told him it's not good for you or that you get no pleasure from it - then he will recoil from you and feel anxiety about the act and is likely to avoid it altogether as a man would rather not do it than do it and get bad results. If this is the case, then complimenting him and reminding him that you love him, and find him attractive should encourage him to try again. If you are pressuring him to do it, he will feel this pressure and this will act as a turn off for him.

    Another, more important reason, is that they may be something in your marriage that you are not sharing with each other a worry, or a concern between you. There could be work stress, or bad health or a lack of intimacy or bond that draws couples together. There may be something in your relationship that he can't speak to you about or he may have a problem in his life that is worrying him. If this is the case then you have done the right thing by raising the issue and asking him if everything is OK. Remind him that the point of the conversation is to be honest (even if that honesty hurts) and ask him to share with you honestly, without regard for how you might react, at what the problem is. If he feels safe in the conversation and believes that you will not begin to scream and cry, then he may have the courage to tell you what it is. Do not be offended if he tells you he has lost attraction, or anything like this - as what he tells you are things that you can work on and appreciate that he is being honest with you. Attraction is a mental as well as physical thing and there are plenty of ways to solve any relationship problem that is affecting you in the bedroom.

    The thing to remember is that even men get frustrated and emotional and whilst they are not the crying types, their stress and hidden feelings will manifest in different ways. If you can create a safe environment in which he is able to be honest with you , you can (by keeping your cool and understanding that this is a problem that you can only solve by knowing what it is) mend the problem.

    If all of this fails, then I would recommend marriage guidance counselling.

    On the subject of his irresponsibility toward his family, this again is most likely a symptom of something he can't say out loud - and so is acting in a way which lets you know he has something on his mind. If you can achieve openness and honesty with him and control your instinctive reaction from "I'm upset about this" to "I sincerely want to help you with this" you should, inshaAllah see some result from what he is trying to communicate with you.

    Peace,
    L

  2. Salam sistera/brothers,
    The picture "A sexless marriage" posted by sister Nabeela reflects our situation. In our case, my wife can stay without sex even for months and feels no interest for sex. If I approach to her, she asks me to go to another women, if I feel so hungry. In this situation it's very difficult to keep myself refrain from sin, but till now I have maintained my character and I want to maintain my character.
    Have my sisters/brothers any advice or, guidance for me?

  3. My husband don't like to have intimate even though he has feeling he is same from the beginning to til now at age of 25 I got married and my husband is 30 I have a 12month boy baby by iui
    When we were married he didn't show interested in intimacy I thought he was shy I leave him after 2years he same I explained my feelings he say ok but he say he feel tired not even once in a month I feel badly and hurt
    I asked why he don't like me not have intimacy with me but he never give proper answer
    So only I suggest to have baby with helps of Doctor and he to said yes for it we go ahead and now a child
    I feel happy with my child but feel still alone and sad he is not changing I cry all day I be explaining my situation my feelings he is not carrying he is healthy hut don't want to have sex but wanted another child
    He is good man but not husband he has feeling towards to his parents,relatives,his child ,but not for me
    I don't want to leave his in sake of my parents and my baby I to love him it five years of my married life I never experienced intimate till now I duva to my rabbu and waiting for good normal married life
    I do everything think he wanted , even tho he never give important to me like his parents,relatives
    He spent time with them ,be happy with them,chat with them when ever he get chance
    What wrong with me why he is liking me what can I do
    Any body help me advice me plz

  4. Alifa begum :My husband don't like to have intimate even though he has feeling he is same from the beginning to til now at age of 25 I got married and my husband is 30 I have a 12 month boy baby by iui. When we were married he didn't show interested in intimacy I thought he was shy I leave him after 2 years he same I explained my feelings he say ok but he say he feel tired not even once in a month I feel badly and hurt

    Seems like your husband never had sex with you. Did he ever TRY? Did you ever see a SEX therapist or discussed this with your doctor?
    It does not look like your fault. You should try non-sexual (no sexual touch) massages with your husband.

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