Husband’s inappropriate behavior; what are my rights in Islam as a wife?
Assalamu Alaikum
I am writing because I am very confused about an issue in my marriage. Several months ago I stumbled across some pictures on my husbands computer of a girl he always told me was a very good friend. The pictures were of the girl naked and lingerie. After confronting my husband about it, he claims that this girl was just very comfortable with him and that he was wrong for keeping the pictures but that nothing ever happened between them and that he was only guilty of having inappropriate emails. Prior to this incident; I trusted my husband implicitly but now that trust has been shattered. Meanwhile, my husband had a very “unique relationship” with his personal assistant. I should clarify because my husband claims that she is more than a personal assistant but rather a very important part of the business and that she is trustworthy where to me it seems like she just has decent payroll skills and excel skills. This person would send messages to my husband at very late hours not pertaining to work and I felt that the relationship crossed certain boundries that I was very uncomfortable with. I confronted them both on it and the girl backed off for a while.
Fast forward to today, my husband has left part of his business and now him and this girl are getting an office for just them two which I am very uncomfortable with but to top it off until they get an office my husband has been going to this girls apartment everyday to work. The other day I called him but couldn’t get hold of him and when I did finally hear from him he tells me he fell asleep but that no one was home because the girl had gone out for some appointments. I told him I didn’t like him sleeping there and that I found it inappropriate. She invited us over for Iftar at her place because she is fasting because my husband says she is now interested in Islam however when we went to eat at her house she has very short cutoff shorts on and a tank top on with a bikini top under. If you are looking into Islam, that is not appropriate attire to wear in front of a married man and boss. I caught my husband looking at her although I didn’t say anything, I just turned a blind eye like I do too many times . The lastest issue we have encountered is that a couple of days ago I asked him to go pick up some halal meat for me while he was out running some errands. When he came home he told me everything he had done while out except the very important detail that he picked her up on the way, I only found out when I decided to read his text msgs.
When I confronted him on this he told me that I am blowing it out of proportion and that his only error was not telling me that he picked her up but tried to justify it by saying he just wanted to make sure I got the meat I needed which is ridiculous since it was only lean ground beef and chicken breast that I needed. He justifies his actions by saying he’s fasting and asks me what he could possibly do anything now that its Ramadan. He’s accusing me of being overly jealous and asking me to be more mature and bigger and better to know that situation is not what I think it is. My question to you is do I have rights to speak Islamically in this situation? Am I being unreasonable or unjust in my feelings regarding this situation? I am so confused and frustrated with this whole situation, I don’t know how to proceed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Jazakallah Kair !
AISHA.
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You are not being unreasonable at all! It seems quite obvious that these 2 are involved and they seem to have no shame in hiding it! You have put up with it and let it go on for way too long. He probably thinks you have already found out so much and you keep allowing it to continue and now he is at the point where he simply does not care what you know! Of course he will try to turn it around on you and say you are overly jealous. It's his defense mechanism. You should let him know that you will no longer accept this, basically give him an ultimatum! Or leave him. If he does love you and thinks your worth it enough, he will find another assistant or another job. Otherwise, I think the answer is very clear.
Sister,
You are his wife! Therefore, your husband should put your feelings and concerns first, before trying to help his assistant or any person to revert Islam.
Wish u well.
x
AA;
That is a hard position and to be honest with you, u been very patient mashallah. I mean seeing her dressed like that, and he sleeps while at work where they work at her place! Worse come to worse, they should been working at your place if that is the case!!!! And using Ramadan as a point that he will not cheat, that's lame.
Maybe you need to talk ot him more seriously, maybe even bring someone into it too, express how bad you feel about it, and how far this is going so far.
Not sure about the background and the culture you tow are in, but as long as it is bothering you (and from what you told us, u have the right to be) then something need ot be done about it at least so you can feel comfortable in your life and your relationship with him.
May Allah grant you patience and guide you to the best path.
AA
Dear Aisha, Walaikumsalaam,
I am sorry for this difficulty you are in. I do not think you are being paranoid. Any man behaving in the manner that you have described is not acceptable. It is not right for a man and woman to be alone, so for him to use the office work as an excuse to go to her apartment is not good enough a reason.
You know the full circumstances. You know how God fearing this man is, i.e. you see if he prays, you see his behaviour around other women, you see his attitude towards yourself aswell. When someone keeps doing things that don't make sense, if there are discrepancies and you are not satisfied with the reason you are being given - 'don't ignore your instincts'. You sound like an intelligent woman, so 'trust your instincts'. Of course you have a right to speak and question.
Lay the cards on the table and ask him what he wants. Tell him if he wants to move on to someone else, then he should do so openly, so you know where you stand. Whether he owns up or not, trust your gut instinct Sister.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Walaikum salam sister Ayesha,
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering in your marriage due to your husband’s inappropriate behaviour. May Allah (swt) give him hidaya to stop these haram activities and give you patience and wisdom to deal with this situation? There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for a male to have such relationship with a women (Muslim or non-Muslim/ Married or single) the way you described in your post. One can clearly see that she is just not someone who is so important for business but she is much more than that. You have every reason to be suspicious and uncomfortable with such attitude from your husband. It clearly is adultery no matter what he says and he should know that punishment for adultery is far more severe for married Muslims male/female than single ones.
Why does he need a separate office and that even just for this woman and himself? Off course you should be uncomfortable sister; there is no point in him visiting this girl at her apartment even if it is work related. How about her coming over to your house and they sit in front of you in your house and work if they clearly meet for work. I don’t know why he is doing this to make you further suspicious? Sister, rather than going into further details I will recommend you to confront him with all the proofs. Ask him to be honest with you about his dealings with this woman. Tell him that Islam prohibits the kind of relationship he has with this woman such as; meeting at her apartment; having her naked pictures on computer; sending illicit text messages; meeting outside for whatever reasons etc etc.
If she is interested in Islam as he says then; she can learn herself. She can learn online; there are organisations which can help her understand Islam and even if she still wants his help then he should ask you to help her understand Islam. This kind of behaviour is not acceptable and dawah is allowed between genders of opposite sex especially in private. Yes, she can attend talks, speeches and attend events to gain further understanding of Islam.
If your husband is telling you that you are being suspicious of him or you don’t trust him and you ask him that has he made you trust him. In fact he has been doing everything to destroy your trust and confidence in him so ask him to stop playing these childish games and leave this woman and mend his ways to earn it. Fasting, praying or other Ibadah don’t make someone an angel or someone who can’t commit sins; a lot of men do follow basics but commit sins.
Finally, you are not being un-reasonable as you have right over your husband. Try to push your husband to offer Salah in Mosque, recite Holy Quran, listen lectures, read articles especially on adultery and it’s punishment in Islam. In fact best way is to start this by yourself if you are not already doing it and then encourage him to join you in whatever you do. If nothing works then warn him once again with all the proof that you have and if he still doesn’t change then involve parents from both sides. If everything else fails then leave him sister; he is not worth it and you deserve better than him; someone who will respect, honour, love you and will be a role model for your children to follow.
May Allah (swt) help you deal with this situation and may everything work out in your best interest. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982:)
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Dear sister,
I know it is really heart breaking situation you are in...i will pray for you....God Almighty will help you as he promised.
am a new shahada and my husband pushes me down verbal abuses me and my husband still deals with non muslam friends of his how can i get out of this marrage?
Naeemha, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. If you log in and write your question as a separate post, we can advise you Insha'Allah. My short answer would be that the simplest way to get out of your marriage would be to ask your husband to divorce you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam
sister, i think the problem here is that you are not possesive/jealous of your husband enough, you even said it yourself.
"very short cutoff shorts on and a tank top on with a bikini top under. If you are looking into Islam, that is not appropriate attire to wear in front of a married man and boss. I caught my husband looking at her although I didn’t say anything, I just turned a blind eye like I do too many times .
that last sentence is the problem sister.
sister, you dont turn a blind eye to such a thing, you should have covered his eyes so he doesnt see her in such revealing state, and then you should have driven your husband right out of the door you came in from.
many atimes if a man is exposed to a woman who is prettier, or more better/fitter looking than his wife in anyway or shape/smell or form, his heart becomes stained with her and it destroys the relationship between the married couple as he will not be able to get her out of his mind.
gheerah [with no excact english trans, but roughly means possesive jealousy] should not just be found in men, but also women when they see their husbands falling into the trap of other women, the fitnah of women, who are haraam for him to look at, get close to.
the only time when your jealousy towards your husband should not be acted upon is if he decides to marry another good muslimah in a halaal way.
you are not being unreasonable in your feelings, reactions, rather it is your husband who is selfish and does not care about your feminine feelings and who is falling into haraam as well as slowly destroying his marraige.
stamp your foot at ones and tell him to either be satisfied with what he has at home and leave the haraam chatting,gaze, or to let you go so you will find a man who fears Allaah and respects you and considers your feelings.
fee amaanillaah