Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m repulsed by my husband’s insecure need for love

broken heart, sliced heartI have been married for 5 months now, and agreed to this marriage to please my parents and because of societal pressures to get married, given my age (30). My husband is a sweet man by any standards and loves me dearly, or actually loves the idea of me, as I am well educated and reasonably attractive. This I believe is his reason for marrying me and loving me.

His character and behaviors as a man is repulsive to me. He is not a man in my eyes as he behaves like an emotional and overly sensitive little girl. I have never come across a man or even a boy who is this way. He has cried on numerous occasions and is always having a tantrum about the most trivial things. He is extremely insecure and is unable to satisfy me in bed at all, and unable to hold a proper conversation with me.

I believe I have made a terrible mistake marrying him, he sort of put on a show in the beginning of the relationship and described himself completely different to the way he actually is. He is everything I despise in a man, constantly lying to impress me and an emotional wreck. He is like a child, wanting a mother’s attention 24/7 and wanting to be showered with love and talk of love, when I am nothing like that. I am more of a show me you love me rather than tell me constantly. I just cannot bring myself to love him or even like him for the life of me, I am totally repulsed by him and feel intimacy is like torture.

I know I might sound very mean when I talk about him, but he is truly nothing that I want or even would have as a friend.

I do everything I can to be a good wife including taking care of the house and all the chores and cooking and his things, despite having very long hours at work and at school. I try to pretend to love him and always do sweet things to please him, hoping that one day I will find it in my heart to love him, but it’s all pretend, I feel like I am living a lie and focusing on his happiness and not my own. I lie to him about living him and missing him. I don't know what to do, as I am completely miserable being with him.

-sadly

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13 Responses »

  1. Marrying in haste just because of social pressure is the first mistake.

    Now, 5 months is not exactly long. Its still extremely early stages in your marriage. He not able to satisfy in bed but its something increase over time. Every men are different. If he cries for. No reason can be an issue.

    I don't understand why guys lie to impress.. But you should address this to him.

    Don't give up, don't compare him with other guys. If this is who he is. Then it is, what it is.

    Instead of pretending to love him, Have you told him how you feel?

  2. I’m in more or less the same situation and had enough!
    I had a marriage of my choice,before marriage my husband was amazing,mature,caring...NOW he’s total opposite,he behaves like 10yr old(he is 39)he constantly swears,puts me down,doesn’t appreciate anything I do-like yourself I do everything to please him.he doesn’t help me pay bills or buy any food,he expects me to buy him designer and has had many affairs but because of family iv stuck by him....i feel for you as not everyone can relate to what your going through,but I do,it mentally wrecks your head being with someone you don’t want to be with,I feel depressed and feel like running but I have a child with him.
    I suppose if you haven’t any children with him it’s easier to walk away,as time goes on mentally it will have a huge effect on u,ul feel as if life has stopped and your stuck with no way out x

    • Than why stay with him? What's the purpose being with someone whom you clearly despise and look down on? Are you mentally delayed or challenged? The child In question Is something else but don't stay with the husband because " Its what your parents expect you to do, or what society expects of you", Inshallah that helps

  3. I think both of you are pretending and lying to make a so called real love marriage. Both of you were pushed to get married without getting to know one another before marriage. Wait, actually you wrote here that he pretended at the beginning what kind of guy he is, but he is not what he claimed. I say openly communicate with him about how you feel and how he feels.

  4. Assalaamualaykum sadly,

    I'm not negating your feelings as they are very real and you are right to pay attention to them, but are you aware that some women would die for a husband who is emotional? One who cries is generally also more sensitive, less arrogant, brave enough to show their tears, and might make you a better husband in the long run! There is a reason why sometimes, opposites attract. One person cannot be everything, but through the two people of different temperaments, everything can be accomplished and they can together take on the world!

    Hugs,

    Nor

  5. As to the O.P and your situation.

    1) You seem to be complaining and talking all these negative aspects of your current husband, and yet you're supposed to be a good wife? Look, we all have Issues but acting as If things are all clear and Sunny on your side of the fence and only " His end of the fence Is where all the turmoil comes from Is laughable (To say the least)".

    2) You talk about his traits and how he behaves like a kid throwing a tantrum, Exactly what are you doing? You Imply you "Try", yet in the same sentence or next line you call him (Your HUSBAND, a Girl), and wonder wtf the Issue Is In your marriage? Have you asked yourself why "He acts" In the manner In which he "May act"? When a person gets frustrated 1 of 3 options happen ( Many more but let's to with 3). 1)The person deals with that that frustrated them In the 1st place (Usually In a violent manner, 2) The excuse themselves from said situation (Leave, take a walk, and the marriage, w/e, 3) They try to resolve said Issue as an adult. Now If things go In option 3 and 1 person Is trying, while the other Isnt and Is Intentionally doing things to get a response, now that person who's trying either "Implodes or Explodes", and depending on how much they want things to work, temperament/demeanour and etc

    Look when a "Womwn", really doesn't look @ her husband as a man, the marriage Is done, really, so don't punish him anymore or yourself and sit down and tell him as you want and hope that he agrees, so mean any women that looks at her husband as a girl or a kid throwing a tantrum doesnt think highly of that man as a man and If hes got any sort of Pride In himself will gladly give you your divorce

  6. OP: I have been married for 5 months now, and agreed to this marriage to please my parents and because of societal pressures to get married, given my age (30). My husband is a sweet man by any standards and loves me dearly......His character and behaviors as a man is repulsive to me. He is not a man in my eyes as he behaves like an emotional and overly sensitive little girl. ......... He is extremely insecure and is unable to satisfy me in bed at all, and unable to hold a proper conversation with me.......I believe I have made a terrible mistake marrying him, he sort of put on a show in the beginning of the relationship and described himself completely different to the way he actually is. He is everything I despise in a man, constantly lying to impress me and an emotional wreck........ I am more of a show me you love me rather than tell me constantly. I just cannot bring myself to love him or even like him for the life of me, I am totally repulsed by him and feel intimacy is like torture.

    If you are totally repulsed by him and intimacy is a torture for you, how do you expect to be satisfied by him in bed. Try nonsexual massages with him with an open mind. How did you meet him? What was your first impression of him? Help him get his self esteem up.

    • She is looking for someone who is more manly and less sensitive, not a mama’s boy. Have you both spoken to each other before? Or was this totally arranged. Also, I believe he doesn’t have much experience in talking to girls. He may need a friend to teach him. If both of you are trying and still not working then it’s up to you what you want to do with rest of your life.

  7. Well, I can tell you my story and I believe it would help you understand your husband better. All my friends who know me would have never thought that I could ever cry. I was sharp, witty and energetic, well I am back again like that. But things changed when I got married. My self-esteem dwindled and my self-confidence vanished. It was an arranged marriage and right after the Nikkah I went abroad. I had never been in a relationship, it was a new experience for me. The long-distance relationship turned me into a sensitive guy, I started crying in front of her, always telling her that I miss her soooooo much. But I felt my tears had an inverse effect on our relationship. Her absence felt like a void in my heart. I could not focus on anything.

    Now I think why I cried and showed my weakness to her?. I have concluded that it was because I was not afraid of showing my weaker side to her. I knew from my heart that she's mine. I was brave enough to let her know something that others couldn't have ever thought about me.

    So, maybe your husband is not actually like he is right now. Maybe it is his love for you that he has lost control over himself. Moreover, I don't think that being sensitive is necessarily a bad thing, even for a guy.

    Sister, you are in a very delicate situation I guess. Think thoroughly before making any harsh decision.

    I think you should talk to your husband in a more open way, yet try not to hurt him.

  8. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullah.

    Allah (SWT) says in the Quran:

    “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” (Quran 2:228)

    The Prophet (PBUH) said: “The perfect man in his faith among the believers is the one whose behavior is most excellent, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)

    Yes, you have equal rights over your husband for him to be an ideal man, especially in your eyes and that includes not behaving too emotionally and overly sensitive, not having tantrums for small things and being insecure and predominantly being unable to satisfy you in bed as well as unable to hold a proper conversation with you.

    It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) cursed men who imitate women and women who imitate men. Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5885).

    The Prophet (s) said: “Do not be excessively jealous of your wife lest evil be hurled at her on your account” and he said: “Allah is jealous and the believer is jealous; and Allah’s jealousy is that the believer should not go to that which Allah has forbidden for him.”

    Allah has said in the Quran:

    "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." (Quran 30:21)

    Your husband has to overcome these serious defects which makes him less of a man. Otherwise, what would be the purpose of a woman liking a man? Just as a woman should please her husband, a husband should also please his wife with every, every single thing - his behavior, his looks, the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he dresses, the perfume he wears, and so on.

    The way you could address these problems with your husband is - tell him that you like his characteristics as a man, but you would love him to be more of a man in his emotions and attitude Or compare him to the Prophet (SAW ) and the companions (RA) and tell him he should be more brave and strong like them (may Allah have mercy upon them).

    Physically, he should talk in a little strong tone, should have a little wide gait, keep his hands shoulder apart, wear a strong male perfume, and so on, and most importantly he should work out and accentuate his masculinity, not by going to gym and turning into a freak but by doing some natural movement exercises like calisthenics. And when he develops his outward appearance like a man, he would automatically develop mentally as a man too!

    And why is this happening to you in your marriage? Well, have you forgotten my sister that Allah would test you? This is how you're being tested, my sister. So be patient and Allah is with those who are patient.

    Salaamualaikum.

  9. I don't think you are mean. Just very straight forward and honest about how you feel. Some don't like straight forward. Don't worry about it.

    Why did you marry out of pressure? To please others? Going by your dissatisfaction there aren't many options. Either stay and accept him as I don't think you can really change him or he you, or leave amicably. You are not suitable for each other. It happens. You can also try talking about it with him.

    Have you considered counseling? For couples/marriage? Obviously your first step should be to sit him down and calmly and carefully explaining to him how you feel. Maybe not be so straight forward as you have here as that may hurt him. Maybe there is room for improvements even if we as adults are less inclined to change our personalities. It's your relationship, so you know best. But the largest sexual organ is the brain. If there is no attraction personality wise it won't work in the bedroom. Maybe you can go away with him, be in a different setting, a getaway, holiday, or try to explore each others interests? Either way let him know how you feel. Talk to him. Make him aware this is important. Both of you must be honest. Don't let this brew inside you. Nobody can make this decision for you. All the best.

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