Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should we marry now or wait until she finishes her degree?

waitingAssalamu alaikum,

I am a boy (20 yr old). i was in a relationship with a girl(21 ) who happens to be my second cousin and this was abt approximately 2-3 years until we realised what we are doing wrong and came to the straight path.

Our families knew each other from childhood staying in the same country and would often meet each other in family parties etc..

I started talking to this girl about 4 years ago and as we were in the same standard (11th) but in different school. We used to share nothing but question papers and she was more of a friend to me than anything else.

Two more years past the line, when i got admission in college, she had wasted one year in searching for colleges and we were in different countries. We used to chat with each other, not so often but yea we used to and had developed feelings for each other. We couldnt pass a day without talking to each other , getting to know how we are , our health and many other things , nothing haram talks.

After i had done with my first year of college and went in my 2nd year , i got to know from my cousins that she too has got an admission in the same college as mine , but we were in different departments. Medical and Engineering.

That year was when we developed feelings for eachother, before this we had those feelings but we didnt express them clearly , we used to care for each other but eventually we had expressed, she was too shy and i first said and then she also felt the same.

As the months pass by we started meeting with eachother alone in college , and we used to touch each other and stuff like that but no zina and i dont want to mention all that, as that was a past and we have come about all those things and much more closer to Allah.

As soon as we realised the things we used to do were haram, we tried harder and harder to not do those things, it took months and finally we decided not to meet, we knew shaytan was the one who put waswasa into us when we are alone.

It took us few months to stop all this and submit to Allah only first ,  Alhamdulillah Allah guided us to the straight path and saved us from major sins Alhamdulillah and i beleive the month of ramadan have bought about a great change in both our lives showing us what is halal and what is haram.

From then onwards , i thought to myself to reveal to my parents about this situation of mine that we still chat with eachother and we want to get married and didnt want to hide it from my family , my mother was at first not accepting it , but eventually i convinced her much that she accepted and my father also accepted.

The thing is the girl whom i love dearly and only for the sake of Allah , is the last of the siblings in her family , and she has a elder sister and 2 brothers yet to marry. I convinced her as i had said to my family about us , you should also not hide it with your family and reveal to either her mother or father , i had much expectations from her about this , she tried hard. I discussed with my mother about how she is not able to tell her parents, my mother agreed and supported her that she is still a small one in her family, how can she tell to her parents right away , she will be nervous and will think much of the final decision of her parents.

So i decided to just leave it on Allah and put my trust on him only , if she was meant to be mine she will eventually be mine, i pray tahajjud and do istikhara that Allah guide me and choose for me the best for me.

But now as we cannot go a day without talking to eachother , we mssg each other ofcourse in a respectful and decent manner , we used to share islamic posts and push eachother towards Allah , whether it was translating surah's of Quran and understanding it together or when we used to give advices on how one should pray salah with full focus on Allah.

These all were blessings Alhamdulillah when i compare our life to past years , we have sought to forget the past and have repented continuously , there was a sense of guilt in us that took us back to Allah , were we belong.

Past month she has got very busy with her schedule  and iam in my last year she is her 3rd , not to mention that we have also argued in past but we sought it out and forgive eachother and forget, but now we argue much due to misunderstandings between us and how her busy schedule is that she is not able to communicate with me, i keep sabr that things will get easy, this might be a test of patience from Allah , we have sought out 2-3 times in past and present to not talk for few days whenever we have any misunderstandings and when we are in better mood then get back later so that we know that all the arguments are nothing but waswasa of shaytan and keep no meaning in our life.

We have controlled much, i pray istikhara regularly still there will be an argument some day or the other between us and eventually we forgive and talk normally to eachother.

There are many complications, i want to get married to her and she too wants to get married , I have dicussed about marriage and convinced with my father , he adviced me that first i complete and take my degree and then as i want to pursue a masters too , he said in that mean time we will talk abt it and get in touch with her parents , but for that you should be ready to manage it , her parents will ofcourse ask abt , if iam working for income or not yet and all , this is all my father adviced , he doesnt want me to get a rejection and supports me  so i have decided to wait and put trust in Allah

But i want an advice on this whether i should wait for her degree to get completed as we have a one year gap between us in studies as mentioned earlier and then approach her parents or should i convince my father more enough so that we  approach her parents right away and is it necessary for her to inform her parents abt our situation , if so how can she and how can she counter the affect of her siblings yet to marry , she is now 21 and iam 20.

She is too nervous and scared to reveal to her parents abt the issue and she is scared that they would object and wont accept our love For the sake of Allah.

If i have to keep sabr , what should i do so that we dont argue often and have a better understanding, we understand that , we are making it halal and ofcourse there would be less of talking between us , but i dont want any misunderstanding with her and i dont want any argument between us.

she is decent by heart and i have loved her for her heart , the way she is helpful and kind and very decent and simple and more god conscious

please help me in this issue and advice me for the next steps that i should take.

Thank you

- syed32

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8 Responses »

  1. Brother I could not get through this post as it was too long and rambling. I think you should summarize it and get to the point. It could probably be stated in one paragraph.

    Wael Editor

  2. Your father is right, you should focus on your studies and then worry about marriage after you have completed your degree. You're 20 years old, I personally don't know anybody that got married that young and made it work. Because you're still maturing at 20...what you want at 20, you most likely won't want when you're 25.

    I would also advise you to stop meeting this girl clearly can't control yourselves, so stop meeting up one-on-one. Hang out with friends at least, so there's a barrier between you, her and you two groping each other, lol.

    Lastly, I really think you should tell her that you have to cut contact with her unless she lets her family know that she's in the process of getting to know you. You're growing so attached to each other, but don't even know how her family feels about the prospect of you two. Unless you're both willing to go against her family potentially saying're both going to end up heartbroken. It doesn't make sense to grow more and more attached and dependent on each other if you're not sure you even have a future together.

  3. Assalaamualaykum Syed,

    I think that if you are truly interested in this girl, you should cease direct communication with her and send a proposal to her family right away. Her one remaining year of studies can be completed during a period of engagement, after which you can get married. And yes, of course she needs to talk to her parents about you! Both families need to be on board. Just really try to cease the communication, because the arguing isn't helping. Also, I don't believe the arguing is a test from Allah, as it is technically haram to even be intimately communicating with her without her family's knowledge and a proposal.

    Inshallah the two of you will have a happy and long marriage.


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