Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I handle my wife who watches pornography?

Internet pornography

Internet pornography

I've discovered that my wife consistently watches porn privately when I'm at work or away. This is numerous of times per week and it's hidden from me. I'm shocked about this and think that it has been going on for a number of years due some of the ideas she's come up with in bed a while ago.

I love her and the family we have together but don't know how I can be happy with her with this problem she has. Due to recent experience on other matters, I'm afraid that if I confront her, she will deny it and then find another way to secretly continue this awful habit.

This is unacceptable to me and my beliefs as a muslim. She has slowly went away from islam over the years and lacks the fear of wrongdoing in the religion.

What are your ideas on how to handle this matter?

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7 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Brother, perhaps you should consider that your wife may have been feeding a porn addiction even before you married her. It just may be that only now are you finding out something that has been going on for many years.

    Yet, the thing that I'm most concerned about is the fact that you said she has been moving away from Islam and no longer has any taqwa. It's really hard to know if this has happened because of the porn watching, or the porn watching started because she began losing faith. Either way, until she has a reason of her own to change her habits, it's likely she will continue to struggle.

    Personally, I think it's best you do confront her. If you know for a fact that she has been doing this, you have to bring the proof to her in person. She can't deny something that's proven. For instance, if you've observed her watching it when she thought she was alone, the next time this happens you should walk in and confront her right then. If you've found materials around the house, show them to her. If you found evidence in the browser history, print it up.

    Insha'Allah there's a part of her deep inside that really wants to escape this addiction. Maybe she's been struggling with her lack of faith and doesn't know what to do, or is helpless to change it on her own. When you do confront her, do it showing that you care for her and your only intention is to help her come out of this. Offer to go to counseling and support groups with her. Tell her that although it hurts you to see this happening, you know that she still is the wonderful girl you married and you want to help her bring that girl out again.

    Unless her conscious is completely seared (which is a whole different problem in itself), she will probably be grateful that you helped her face something she was too ashamed to admit to anyone. Chances are she's been secretly hoping for a way out of this darkness, but didn't know where to look for it and felt too weak to keep trying. You can use this situation to help her become the person Allah meant for her to be, so long as you approach her with sincerity, sensitivity, and commitment to help her while holding her accountable.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. When you do confront her with the knowledge you have of her pornography viewing, I urge you to listen to the reasons she may share with you. Perhaps, she was not viewing pornography to engage in bad behavior of herself, but maybe she was looking for ways to spice things up between you as a couple. Perhaps she has been looking for different ways to please you. You mentioned a number of ideas she's come up with in the bedroom over the past years. Yet, (thank you), we, the readers don't know what those ideas were and whether the ideas were considered halal or haaram. In many countries women enter marriages with little or no knowledge of what "sex" is. Perhaps your wife thinks she needs to do other things to please you (are you less attentive?), perhaps she wants to, and within a marriage that is okay. Maybe she's heard from her friends that after children, if she doesn't keep you satisfied you will leave her. There can be a myriad of reasons. But the best thing you can do is simply and kindly ask her and discover her reasons for doing so. You love her, you have a family together, so you have a relationship and understanding. Approach her from the love you have for her, and give her the respect she deserves, but understand if there are cultural issues with her being honest with you, she will be shy admitting certain things. Without accusation, tell her what you wish from her behavior-wise. Let her know that you love her no matter what, and when she shares her fears/insecurities with you....please listen. Don't push her fears away. Listen to her. You are her husband, and thru love and good counsel you can very well turn her away from porn by assuring her of your love and suport.

    • Salaams,

      It should be noted that porn should not be watched for ANY reason. So, even if she was claiming to watch it to "spice things up" or for sex education, that still does not make it excusable. It's still a sin even when those are the reasons.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Very good advice Lydia! That's how it should be handled

  3. SAlam
    You can't say shes watching porn to "spice things up" like come on. This is a Islam website,right?
    Tell your wife that you've noticed that shes getting away from the religion and it scares you. When someone backs away from their religion is not for good things. Im no being mean but from a female point of view. Maybe you as her husband are not giving her her needs. Maybe she wants intercourse differently, more often,etc. Maybe you don't like it as much. I dont know what the case is. But someone doesnt watch porn for fun. They watch porn then masturbate afterwards. No I'm not a professional but it common sense. CONFRONT HER A.S.A.P. Its not cute either...!! She could get in this and it will mess up your lives. She would then start always wanting sex,etc. I dont know but I'm sorry you found your wife doing this. May Allah swt help you and your wife salam 🙂

    • Your advice is awful I am sorry! You clearly don't have experience in these matters and don't understand the matter. Your advice will make things much worse for that couple. This matter must be handled with care, love and sensibility not by confrontation and threat .. Lydia's suggestion is a much better approach
      Salaams

  4. The easy way to get out of porn addicts are:
    1) Start to build faith in Allah by praying all the prayers
    2) She may not be praying at home, so take her to pray fazor prayer and the Isa prayer at the mosque everyday.
    3) Do not let her sleep once she wakes up 5 in the morning to pray. She must not take nap during the day.
    4) Do not eat too much, just drink water and from 6:00 pm no food at all. If needed you can fast.
    5) Do not let be alone in the house and watch filth stuff. Satan become the number one friend when we are alone
    6) Read quran, memorize sura, and always be bz in the zikir of Allah

    There are countless of lectures and learn from them about beautiful teaching Islam. I have been watching it for last 19 years and I am always interested to know more and more about Islam.

    Inshallah by applying this it will help her to get out of the filth porn addiction. And she must not forget, God does not change the condition of the heart unless we try to change our-self first. She needs to work on it. Peace and Allah bless!

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