Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Nervous about intimacy

hijabi sister

Asalam o alaikum,

I need some advice on a very private and personal matter, and I would appreciate some   sensitivity and no mocking, please! I am embarrassed to ask anyone- and I would not. Which is why I am seeking assistance online.

I will be getting married soon, and I am very nervous about intimacy. I've always shied away from the topic and don't know what is really expected of me.

Whenever my friends would talk about it, I would just block myself out of the conversation and kind of ignore them.

And now that I'm getting worried- I'm quite worried as I don't know what my rights and responsibilities are in terms of intimacy. I don't know what his rights and responsibilities are. - I mean this in terms of Islam, not generally.

Please advise me. And if i am allowed to humbly request- that married brothers and sisters, please feel free to advise. I would appreciate it.

I'm not really interested in websites or links/videos with talks, etc- just to save you guys from sending me links.

I understand this is a personal topic, but I would really appreciate some advice.

Im also very nervous about him seeing me and touching me. No man has ever touched me. Is this a normal feeling? Are the nerves normal? Or am I being strange?

Will he find me strange for being so nervous about this? Will I be off putting?

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12 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh sister, what you are experiencing is normal. Your husband is most likely going through the same as you. It's not just you. All you have to do is remind yourself that you're in control of the situation and don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. What you can do to calm your nerve is by having a chat with your husband when you get married.

  2. Dear sister.. This is a feeling every married woman goes through.. I'd been through the same when i was getting married. . It's pretty normal as we girls are bought up this way that we don't get social with men and the feeling of a stranger touching you brings nervousness.. This is a very beautiful moment for you when you get married hence it will be very good that soon after you get married you talk to him get to know each other and when you guys actually think of getting close just be open with your thoughts with him regarding your feelings in a very polite way and try to come to a way where you both can have fun and enjoy

  3. Thank you, that is such a relief! You have no idea.

    I was really nervous, but now I understand that it may be a two-way thing. I didn’t think about that.

  4. It's normal to be nervous about your 'first time', but, to me, your anxiety is extreme and not very...common. It's not normal for an adult woman, about to get married, to be so embarrassed about intimacy that she can't even engage in a normal conversation about it, without doing it anonymously online. Please don't think I'm scolding you or telling you off...I'm really not. I'm just trying to tell you that you don't have to be so timid about sex. Especially not now that you're getting married.

    I suspect one of the reasons why you are this nervous is because you might have lived a very sheltered and conservative life...and you admit yourself that you don't know anything about sex. What you don't know about, you naturally fear. So my suggestion to you is to educate yourself about sex. You don't even have to talk to people, there are PLENTY of books and websites that educate people like yourself on human sexuality. Make use of the information that is freely out there :).

    From more personal experience I can give you the following advice:
    - Take your time. Don't jump into sex right away. Talk to your husband. Show each other affection. Touch each other. Have a bath together. Get comfortable with each other, THEN slowly get intimate.

    - Make yourself feel good in your own skin. If you feel attractive, it will boost your confidence in front of your husband. Wear makeup, do your hair nicely, wear perfume, wear lingerie...do whatever makes you feel beautiful. Your husband probably thinks you are beautiful as it is, but...it's important that you feel beautiful, too.

    - Set the mood. The ambience and environment actually matters. Make your space romantic, comfortable, sensual...it'll set both of you's mood.

    - Don't expect magic and unicorns the first time. Just relax, take it easy and don't be afraid to communicate. Say it to your husband if he's being too rough, and ask him if he likes something you want to do.

    - Just like you get intimate slowly, enjoy some intimacy after 'the deed is done'. Lay in bed naked together, kiss, cuddle, talk, caress each other.

    - Please have a conversation about protection before you have sex. Unless you want to risk getting pregnant right away, it's a good idea to take precautions to avoid it.

    • Lindita

      So sweet reply .To the point and exciting reply .
      Its better to get some knowledge in these places than a google search which ultimately will take you to adult content .

      • Yeah, definitely. A lot of my friends sadly had sex before marriage, and at a too early age (as young as 12). They all had horrible 'first times', and a lot of them, at this point, don't even want to remember their first time, because it was that bad. So drawing from their terrible experiences, I learned that for my own wedding night, I was going to know a lot better than my friends did 😀 I educated myself and it worked for me to know what sex is all about before I actually engaged in it. It also helped that I wasn't 12, of course, but an adult woman who was more confident and comfortable in her skin than most 12 year olds are. I wasn't really nervous on my wedding night at all, even though I was a virgin and never been kissed or touched by a man before. Luckily, my husband had educated himself, too, so neither of us were nervous as such...nor were we intimidated by each other's bodies. Unlike my friends, my first time was great. And something I will always want to remember 🙂 I hope the same for OP...

        • Lindita
          You got married early ? as you saying your friend at age of 12 doing sex. How old are you now ?
          I think probably your husband was more matured and experienced to touch you in sensible manner ..I doubt just having theoretical knowledge will help you to make it perfect in first time .
          I think if husband was experienced before probably will behave sensibly touch her .
          People who are not having any female friends might not be having good idea to please a woman at the beginning .

          • I got married at 28 and I'm 32 now. My husband is two years older than me and just as experienced as I am: so not very experienced at all 😀

            I beg to differ. You can absolutely have a great first time experience just from knowing about sex in theory. As I mentioned, when you know what you get yourself in to, you're going to be more relaxed, confident and excited about sex. And that's all part of having a good first time experience, in my opinion. Sure, there are aspects to sex that you will never know about until you actually have sex...but that's no excuse to get into a marriage completely oblivious and scared.

            I generally detest the idea that men and women have to be segregated. Segregation doesn't prevent people from doing things they are not supposed to, and it makes a lot of people really anti social and ignorant. I don't think a man can or should learn anything about sex from his female friends, but I don't think it's right to isolate people from others of the opposite sex. I don't think it helps human civilisation to buy into the idea that humans are wild beasts that can't control themselves.

          • Lindita ,

            Segregation probably will give less opportunities to do sin compare to mixing .
            I feel when we are surrounded by opposite genders for more time like work place ,social circle etc etc you will be more tempted towards sex compare to less mixing ...

          • I disagree. I think segregating people does way more harm than good. Look at countries where segregation is normal, and where people are taught that men and women can't be in the same room without wanting to have sex...that's the countries where women get most harassed, abused and ill-treated. In fact, if you search for the Top 10 worst countries in the world to be a woman in...I think 9 out of 10 countries on that list are Muslim countries. Why is that? Clearly, segregation isn't helping people with having healthy and normal relations (whether platonic or romantic) with people of the opposite sex.

    • im in a relationship for 6 months now and the person I love wants us to get married too. he's 4 years older than me. he spoke to his parents and they agree. so im really happy. However, at the same time im scared about our first night. I know its something every women experiences in her life but he talks to me about it and he asks me about what I would feel comfortable in doing. I mean we have had a sex talk 2-3 times but is it wrong to do so before marriage? I read that its good because this way we would both know what one another is happy and comfortable with so it doesn't cause any nervousness or timidness but some people said that you shouldn't about this before marriage? Im confused right now. can you please give any advice on what I should do??
      he wants me to talk about it so I don't really be shy and scared when it comes to actually doing the thing and knowing each others personal preferences. But I dont know whats right or wrong now?

      • He is not your mahram so it would not be lawful for you to have such discussions before the nikkah.

        Also, there’s no black-letter law that the marriage must be consummated on the first night after nikkah. So you can have these discussions after your nikkah. And consummate whenever you’re both comfortable.
        Don’t feel as you have to rush or pre-prepare these things. You don’t.

        All the best
        X

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