Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents Delaying My Marriage for Years

CalendarSalam to everyone,

I am seeking help of you to guide me in this situation what to do? I am Muslim girl, age 25.

I got engaged two and a half  years ago and still my family and His family reach a decision about the marriage. My problem is this: my father has organised exchanged marriages, his 2 daughters to my house and me there.

Now the problem occurs. I am a working girl and my father in law doesn’t want me to work after getting married and I am to live in my own country (as I am living in gulf region and since child hood and have never seen my motherland and I don’t know about it). Also my Fiance is not as educated as me but still we both manage  each other,  but whenever the subject of marriage is raisedwe both fight because it is not happening and blame each other for it. Also I am 3 years older than him and he has a complex that later on I will be much older than him and he can’t marry me.

Meanwhile, my family and his family could not reach a decision about anything . Yet I am the one whose life is ruined. I spoke with my mother about it, asking  why they are doing this to me and she said that it is better for my future. I don’t understand why this is better and how?

Although they know that I am big enough know to get married, still they can’t take it seriously. His family and my family  had a talk between them and I was told that my In-laws need time to get their 3 children married at the same time and they want me and their son to get married first, followed by the daughters 6 months later, but my family the disagree with it. Now I am in a big tension what to do or not because we both love each other but can’t go on aging whilst the family decide.

I really seek your advice about it .

Please help me.

Noor


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7 Responses »

  1. dear if your family is settled in gulf, and u r self depend, i will advise u not to marry in an unsuitable atmosphere, because ur fiance is less in age and education than u, u never have been in his culture, so u will find difficult to adjust. i would suggest u to go ahead and straight forword to ur parents, tell them that i will marry by ur wish but not to perticular, and tell them your choice also.

    ALLAH HAFIZ.

    Do ISTIKHARA before taking any decision

  2. Dearest Sister, Salaam,

    You are panicking and becoming impatient which is very understandable considering this long wait that you are going through, the constant mixed signals and disorganization on behalf of your parents and this man's comments regarding age. This sense of urgency that you are feeling is panic - but what you must realize is that this panic being caused by fear and impatience and there is a solution that can help you wait this out without feeling stressed and anxious. You feel that you are not being listened to, which is how anyone would feel if they were being ignored in this way.

    The best thing to do when everyone around you is getting nowhere and achieving nothing is to adopt the voice of reason and be a calming and assisting influence. Adopt a scientific and mathematical approach if you want to be listened to and take emotions out of the equation, and you should notice a significant change in the way your parents communicate with you and listen to your needs and fears.

    It sounds as though the problem that is sabotaging your marriage to this man is the problem of negotiating all aspects of what is happening. They are agreed about you; however do not want to move forward until everything else is agreed also. If you seek to help them to solve all of the problems in this scenario - then your problem will be automatically solved as a consequence.

    Regarding your love, remind him that Khadijah was significantly greater in age than our beloved Prophet (pbuh) and there should be no problem over a 3 year difference. I would recommend that you and he team up and form a strategy to solve all of the families’ problems rather than focusing on yourselves.

    I know it is very difficult, when you have waited for two years and no progress has been made, and it is difficult also when you imagine that you are getting older (even at 25, God Bless you, which is tremendously young these days) - but sister, the key to solving your problem is to actively participate in solving the problems around your problem. Unlock the first door, and the rest will open by themselves.

    Assist your parents to successfully negotiate what is holding them up - put yourself last in this instance, and tell them that you are happy only when they are happy and be as logical and mathematical as possible - no emotions - no crying or pleading or shouting, no walking off and slamming doors - and you should see a significant difference in communication which will inshaAllah lead you to having greater input into your future, and greater influence over the decision making of your family.

    Once we learn to master our emotions and to communicate through reason and knowledge even when emotions threaten to overcome us - that is when people begin to hear what we are saying. This is also when we begin to notice in ourselves our own power to stay calm and patient through impatient times.

    This method of communication is the key to success for you.

    Peace,
    L

    • Leyla - you should be a life coach, lol, your practical advice is excellent maashaAllah! :O) x

      "Assist your parents to successfully negotiate what is holding them up - put yourself last in this instance, and tell them that you are happy only when they are happy and be as logical and mathematical as possible - no emotions - no crying or pleading or shouting, no walking off and slamming doors - and you should see a significant difference in communication which will inshaAllah lead you to having greater input into your future, and greater influence over the decision making of your family.

      Once we learn to master our emotions and to communicate through reason and knowledge even when emotions threaten to overcome us - that is when people begin to hear what we are saying. This is also when we begin to notice in ourselves our own power to stay calm and patient through impatient times."

  3. Asalaamualaikum,

    Sister Noor, I was a little confused by the detail in your post, but I think what you were saying was that your father has arranged your marriage with a cousin. While his parents are willing to go ahead with the marriage ceremony now, your parents want to wait for the 'other cousins' to get married first.

    Furthermore, you have been engaged two and a half years and the feelings between you and your fiance (who is also you cousin) are developing and becoming stronger. Thats completely understandable.

    Maybe your parents have a 'wise' reason for delaying your marriage. But from what you have said - the only thing stopping them is that they want to marry the other siblings first - I do not see that as a wise 'reason'. Marrying children in order of age is again a cultural tradition and is not from Islam. I personally do not believe in 'long term' engagements, if both parties agree that the couple are suitable and compatible for marriage, why wait? It does not make sense. If you are both talking and getting to know each other, you risk stepping over the Islamic boundaries, so your parents should really just go ahead and make it halaal.

    *** So in this situation, what can you do?

    You can speak to your fiance to ask his father to be adamant with your parents about setting a nikah date soon. You can also speak directly to your parents about this matter - seeing as they are the one's seemingly behind the delay. If you feel uncomfortable speaking to your parents directly - seek courage from Allah to approach them. You are not asking for anything to be ashamed of and are trying to fulfil a sunnah. I know that is easier said than done - seeking courage from Allah is something that takes immense faith - may we all aquire faith and courage inshaAllah.

    If even after speaking to your parents, they still wish to delay your nikah; then say 'Alhumdulillah' - atleast you made the effort. You do not want to run away, or elope or do any such absurd thing that is displeasing to Allah. So now the matter is not in your hands anymore; leave the rest to Allah and seek His(swt) help in aquiring and practising sabr. We are all tested in life - so see this matter as your test and understand that you are being tested through your patience. And maybe Allah has stored a hidden reward in this delay for you, for there is much sweetness to be attained through Allah's tests if seen through with patience my dear sister :O).

    *** So now, your goal is to aquire patience - how can one do this?

    Make dua to Allah(swt) asking him to give you patience as Allah is The only One who can bestow this Mercy upon you. You are needy of Allah's Mercy, so do acts that are pleasing to Him(swt). Make the effort by ensuring that you do your 'five-a-day' meaning your Salaah. Do voluntary acts of worship like fasting, reciting Quran, pray Qiyam al-Layl (night prayers in the last third of the night), learn about our beautiful deen, do lots of Dhikr. Dhikr brings you closer to Him(swt), and is also scientifically proven to reduce stress and risk of cardiovascular diseases/illnesses. Engage in charitable work, help needy people, visit the sick; the list of things you can do is endless. Remind yourself of all the times that the Messengers and Prophets of Allah(swt) peace and blessings be upon them all had to excercise immense patience in matters much much more testing than this.

    *** Choosing a marriage partner

    After having said all this Sister, I want to remind you that choosing a marriage partner is 'a big deal', so you want to ensure as much as you can that you both share a similar way of thinking and outlook on life before you actually get married - and moreso since you have both been brought up in different cultures.

    It would be a good idea for you to address any important issues with your fiance; for example you mentioned that you are 'an educated and working girl' and that your father in law to be does not want you to work after marriage. It is better for you not to dismiss such matters as they can cause problems in your marriage later on and it would be advisable for you to see whether you and your fiance can come to a mutual agreement on such matters now.

    With regards to your 'age', remind your fiance that our birthdays are set in stone, so even if you do marry much later on - you will still only be three years older than him as you are now; so there is absolutely no risk of the age gap increasing between you both!! Furthermore, Khadija (ra) was alot more than just three years older than The beloved Messenger of Allah (pbuh); so remind your fiance that maybe understanding the concept of 'age is but a number' is part of his test from Allah(swt) :O)

    "Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah(swt)'s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee" - Umar bin al - Khattab (ra).

    May Allah be with you - keep me in your duas,

    Sister Z
    X

  4. PS: A dua for you recite:

    "O My Lord! expand my breast for me. And ease my task for me; and loose a knot from my tongue, (That) they may understand my saying. (Quran, Surah Ta Ha)

  5. Asalaamualaikum Sister Noor,

    I've noticed that you have submitted your 'replies' as new 'posts' - so I have not published them.

    If you 'copy and paste' your replies here on your initial post, it will better and inshaAllah we will do our best to respond to you very soon. In the mean time - hang in there x.

    SisterZ

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