Islamic marriage advice and family advice

is there a problem with Pakistani and Bengali getting married (both Muslim)

Cross cultural Muslim marriage between a Caucasian man and Asian woman

I am 21, lived in London all my life and from a Muslim society. I've never been in a relationship, I have been on one date with 1 guy in my life (for my father wish) but I wasn't interested so I didn't take it further. I've always be independent and live with my parents and family. About 5 months ago, my dad introduced me to a guy (which is my mum's choice) and wants me to marry him. At first I was fine, even through the guy is from back home and I haven't really meet him since I was 8. He wants me to go and meet him and has giving me a choice, however, I recently join a part-time course and met a guy there, we started to talk and have become really close, it feels like I've known him for ages, he is everything that I've wanted in a guy and most of all, he understands me so much and is really honest. We go out for lunch and he even gave up smoking when I asked once (especially when I told him I have asthma). He always laugh at my jokes, is hard working, loves my company, and we have nearly everything in common (we do not have any physical contact and no intention until after marriage). My parents don't know that I am seeing this guy.The main problem is that he is Bengali and I am Pakistani, and if we do get together then I know my mum would be against it. I don't know what to do? My younger sister thinks its great but scared for me as well. Do I stop seeing this guy and just get married to my mum choice? Life already has been difficult with me (especially when it comes to family) and i'm scared I might lose my family. Why is all this happening with me when I just want a simple life.

my dad is like my best friend but my mum is like 'wot ever i do is wrong an she is always right' even through she is a great mother but ive never been close to her as i have to my father.

the guy from backhome is my mum nephew and as u may no, a muslim is allowed to marry first cosin, anyways, in october the whole family went to pakistan for my brother wedding but becoz i was studying i could not go, so from there, they all started to like him, he is an out going guy and is fair. do not get me wrong, i am really fair but ive attracted to da oppoisite, you see, the bengoli guy is dark skin, ok looking. if i reject the guy from pakistan, then my dad will be fine, but then wen i end up tellin them about the bengoli guy then maybe my dad will agree but my mum will (it freaks me out to even think wot she may say or do). they will say why im going for a dark skin or not as good lookin and BENGOLI, etc. tell u the truth, my dad has really been my best friend, so ive always had in mind that i want a guy like him, and this bengoli guy is perfect, and yes he is muslim and no my parents do not believe in force marrige or killing (i hope not) ive always been da good girl (im nt perfect) but even u can understand how important it is to feel happy and loved. my brothers are unfortunly not da best guys in da world and i would neva date guys in their charater but that is why i cnt always have my way because my mum always listen to them but my dad sort of does aswell. im glad my sister supports me but then she is da youngest and her views will not count. by the way, thank you for taking you time to read this xx  and may allah forgive me if i have said anything wrong.


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48 Responses »

  1. Salaam Farzy,

    There is absolutely nothing wrong Islamically with marrying someone who is Bengali or from another culture, provided they are Muslim. Please be assured of that, because it is easy for family to convince us otherwise. Looks are important but really for the potential spouse. As long as you find him at least moderately attractive it doesnt matter what your parents think of his looks.
    From what you have said, your family seem to be reasonable Alhumdulilah but they cannot read your mind sister! I know its scary but if you and this brother really are interested in marrying one another (and he is willing to approach your parents) then take the leap and speak to them.

    Be honest with yourself. Do you just like him, how is he religion-wise. Do you want the same things.
    Do a bit of research. Also perform the Istikhaarah prayer at least once. Please read the links at the top of page thoroughly (named 'Istikhaarah Questions and answers) to ensure you do it properly.

    And above all follow your instincts. If you and this brother are compatible and he is suitable and you both feel psotively about this then speak to your parents.

    Be honest with them. Tell them that you love them and respect their opinion, and you would love to marry this particular brother. Dont let yourself feel pressured into a marriage you dont want. It is your life and you have the right to choose your spouse. Just approach your parents in the best way. Also try to limit unecessary contact with the brother and definitly dont meet him alone to protect yourselves from sin.

    Sara Editor

  2. hi there,
    me and my younger sister are (bengali) is married who is a pakistani,they had love marriage they recently had a baby girl and they both are happy together, i dont think there is anything wrong in pakistani marryin a bengali as we read same and belief in Allah we still follow the same religion even tho we speak different 🙂

  3. asalamu alaikum.

    my sister hope everythin is well inshaa'Allaah...well wot can i say im a pakistani nd recently ive just gt engaged alhamdulilah to a bengali girl whom i met at university..we just gt enaged in jan and ive known her for 3 years at first me nd her discussed all options regarding for example like if we do go ahead it has to be a full on commitment no hessitation u cant sit there and think ooh buh wot will happen if we do get married would my family be ok etc how would his family accpet me etc marriage is long a term fing...once u made ur choice u have to be content with it..its not easy telling parents epesh pakistani ones coz i know they can be stubborn nd wot took me a good few months to convince mine buh alhamdulila it worked. my advice from experience is to first sit down nd ask ur parents sincerly about what they expect nd want see how tht goes buh if for example the say noo u cannot marry out of our culture dont agree to it jus lisen to it buh then overtime express ur feelings for example sayi tht dont u ever want ur daughter happy etc etc but most importantly wot ever the deen says should be followed... likewise al explain a muslim girl at the each of 18 lunar years is allowed to give herself in marriage without her parents blessings likewise a man can...some ulama of the past say 17 or 17 and half buh genrall consensus is 18 and most importantly the girl has to be happy nd choose freely herself for example if u dont want to marry the guy from pakistan buh say you do so that u dont want to upset ur parents ur marriage is still not legal in islamic principle nd u will be living a life of zina!! why because the girl has to be satisfied with it... most parents dont realise this nd fink there right buh islamically they wrong!... i told my parents bout my fianace they didnt agree nd wer stubborn at firts i came to them from an islamci perspective they knew i was right buh still had issue so i became abit stubborn on it it came to a point with me when i was ready to leave home coz end of day yeh ur parents might not talk to u coz u went away from their wishes buh wot will u do marrying a guy u dont wnt nd secondly wot happens wen ur parents pass away coz god forbid ul curse em for trappin u into a marriage u dont want...buh after gettin engaged my parents love my fiance
    sorry for long rply buh i know wot ur goin frou lol... inshaal'allaah wot eva Allaah wills happens nd no 1 can stop that..

  4. i have a question if any1 can help?

    (Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor).

  5. Salaam sister, i am pakistani and the girl i am seeing is bengali, i really love her alot buh am scared what others would say because where im from its a pakistani area and most pakistani tend to look down on bengalis and talk behind there backs etc, is there any pakistani or bengaliz married that uno of or any1 knowz of

    • There is nothing wrong with Pakistanis marrying Bengalis. Quit worrying about what the people think and care more about what Allah thinks.

      SisterZ Editor

    • There's nothing wrong in different cultural marriages! As long as the person is honest and good! Remember whether your partner is a pakistani or indian it doesn't matters! What matters is whether he/she is the right person for you and your effort in the relation.The world will say many things! If Allah is with you then no need to get scared! May Allah blesses each of them 🙂

    • I am going to get married with british bangali girl after a long relationship of 11 years. Finally its happen but still her mom didnt even see my face in picture and her one sister think that pakistani are not muslims lol. Anyways 1st decide either we are muslim 1st or pakistani bangali indonesia malaysian middle eastern. Make nikkah easy and halal please thanks

  6. Its just alot of pakistanis dont like bengalis and manke funny jokes about them saying they eat fish etc, u always hear pakistaniz talking down on bengaliz so thats y im in 2 minds right now whetr i should marry her or not, mashallah she is very pretty but like i said im in 2 minds ryt now, she realy wants to marry me and doesent care what ppl say but lets c wt hpnz

    • Those jokes are stupid and the one's who make them need to grow a brain.

      If you can let such a thing stop you from marrying a girl, she deserves better than you.

      SisterZ Editor

    • Mmmm, fish. I like fish. I eat it almost every day. In fact I just ate a plate of stuffed bell peppers, stir fried vegetables and grilled salmon (made by my mom, may Allah bless her). I don't see the joke in that.


      • Lol Wael, you seem to be a on the upside recently, which is good maasha'Allah!

        I'll educate you a little about the 'fish thing'. Of course its good to eat fish and most Bengalis are probably healthier than most Pakistanis because they eat more fish and less red meat! But ridiculously, Pakistanis have made 'fish eating' into a derogratory thing, just so they have something to mock Bengalis about. Its pathetic and so pre-dated and ignorant.

        Two of my bestest and sweetest friends are of Bengali origin and I only have one Pakistani friend who is my bestest friend too, lol. Oh, when will this ignorance of cultural divisions cease to exist!

        SisterZ Editor

  7. Its just you guys dont understand how my cousins are and the area i live ppl they just very racist, i no for a fact if we do marry we wil defo get alot of grief from ppl thats y m scared, i really love her and want to marry her buh i dont want her to c any grief from ppl and be called names she is such a innocent girl doesent have a bad back bone in her, she wil defo get racist comments from ppl and i cant bear to c that

    • Saqib,

      I do understand. I live in the same world that you do, surrounded by ignorant people but also surrounded by people who want to make a change too. Saqib, you can either give in and lose out because you are too frightened of what people will say. Or you can be one of those people who stands up and makes a little difference to the world.

      There will always be racist people in the world, and that racism will continue unless 'people with principles' stand up and break the race cycle. How do you think the Messenger of Allah and his companions felt when they were called names and ostracized for being 'different'? There are countless examples I could give you about people being mistreated for being 'different' - but I am sure you already know of them so I won't mention them.

      If you are that worried about how your family will treat your wife, then marry her and move away. But what I recommend is that you stay put while making it clear that you will not accept any racism towards your wife (to be), and take a firm stance on this. If you maintain this, who will have the 'guts' to say anything? Slowly but surely, the attitudes will change. And you also have the Islamic texts and hadiths to educate people with. Ultimately Saqib, if you are strong and moreover confident in your decision and your deen, you and your wife will both overcome all racism. If however, you are feeling too insecure to handle being with someone 'different', then you will no doubt experience problems. So I say - 'tackle your own insecurities first'.

      SisterZ Editor

  8. if not now, eventually majority of Muslim population will be MIXED race 🙂
    I can already see it happening. This is because now information/knowledge is avaliable worldwide. People/Muslims have access to it under the tip of their fingers.
    Muslims can now easily distinguish between what culture says and expects, and what Islam says and expects from them, whereas before it was either kept secret for self advantage or there was no medium to realse the information/knowledge. Another, reason is that now Muslims are spread in every country in the world and so they bound to interact (college, universities, work, social gatherings) with other Muslims and some may find each other compatible for marriage. Parents and senior relatives needs to be educated as most are still tied in with some unnecessary part of their culture.

    Some brothers from my country are married to Pakistani and Bengali sisters, and some sisters from my country are married to pakistani brothers and recently one married a Bengali brother. Yes, all these mixed couples from my country faced crazy grieve and choas but at the end their parents gave in. Alhamdulillah, they seem happy.

    Your choice, your decision.

  9. Brother,
    If you want her to be your wife, first step is to tell your parents about your choice and why she is your choice...this is one way of over coming thisd.

  10. salaam brothers and sisters...

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  11. I am currently seeing a bengali girl.. I m pakistani...

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  12. According to Pakistani law of marriage, Is it illegal in Pakistan to marry a Bengali? actually I am a pakistani and also a british Immigrant and in love with a bengali guy. so, according to pakitani law Is it illegal? because i am willing to take my bengali husband in pakistan for visit after marriage, so will i be jailed for marrying a bengali in pakistan? plz reply

    • It is 100 percent legal to marry a Bangladeshi girl or boy in Pakistani Pakistan was established by bengalis that's why still there are 1 million bengalees living in Pakistan as Pakistani citizens..they are proud Pakistanis

  13. hi umm i am bengali girl and going out with a pakistani boy

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  14. hi i am a bengail girl and going out with a pakistani boy

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  15. This is pathetic we are all Indian we rooted off India and we will always be each other's ally. I am Indian and i was looking up Bengali wedding's and Pakistani weddings and came to this.....
    Marry him... my best friends name is Rajesh he's Bengali and i thought he was Paki..

  16. Salaam, just read on saqibs comments, brother i am pakistani and my ex was a bengali, u say where u r from ppl look down at bengalis etc, i am frm bradford where its a largely pakistani community, u r ryt pakistaniz do diss bengalis cuzz of culture clash, language, food etc, i was dating a bengali girl i kept it a secret buh then once evryone started to find out and started talking saying ur dating a fish etc, i cudnt bare the comments so i left her, she cried for me and said plz dont leave her buh i did, brother saqib i am so miserable now, she is now married to another pakistani guy she realised she deservs beta, alot of pakiz r gtn married to bengalis nw so brother dnt worry what ppl say if u love her u will regret it all ur life

  17. Since my break up with my ex i have been very miserable bcuz its hard to find girls like her, such an innocent, caring loving person she was, she had love for evry1 nomata wt background u wer frm, she workd and helpd ppl with her own money, any1 wud love her, words cnt describe hw amazing she was, nw she is married to anuva paki guy, i hate myself for letting her go, hw stupid was i jus cuz of wt ppl said hu r not true friends i cared and now i m hurting, i cud had been the most happiest man, its been 3 yrz and i m still not over her, in those 3 yrz doe i have been to bangladesh twice, bcuz we used to talk when we marry we will visit bangladesh bcuz she has nvr been der i wntd to tke her to her home land, so evn doe i m nt viv her i kept to my promise and visited bangladesh, it was a great experience and lovely ppl der

  18. Assalamualykum I have almost the same problem as u I am a muslim indian girl I am 19 and the guy I like is 20 he is muslim bengali I have spoken to my parents about him and they accept him 4 who he is they do not have a problem with this as I am muslim we do not meet outside so he comes tom my house while my parents are here and we talk but for him to come and meet me he has to lie to his parents because his parents dnt accept me they found out about me his elder brother told them about me theyshouted at him nd demanded to know who I am but he did not tell coz he was scared that they would not let him see me nymore we realy want to get married inshalla(after his studies nd istighara ofcourse) bt I am so scared I know for a fact his parents won't accept me nd I dnt want him to just ignore his parents decision I want his parents to be happy with me too after all parents duaas is very important

  19. i realize bangladeshis in england are mostly from sylhet region. sylhetis may have more cultural clash with pakistanis than other bangladeshis. i am from chittagong and dhaka background and a bengali bangladeshi. i find little difference in culture or food with pakistanis. also another issue may be sylhetis are weaker in urdu than other bangladeshis, so its hard for them to communicate

  20. HI, my name is anna I'm a Bengali who's a Muslim.

    • anna, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn Insha'Allah. Thank you.

      Wael Editor

      • I don't know where to log in and my question is what should I do since his nani wants to get him married and he's scared to tell about me?

  21. Bangladeshi guy here.

    A lot of the Bengalis in the UK are from Sylhet, so yes there may be extra difference since they have a generally more closed culture than other Bangladeshis.

    My family is from Rajshahi, and I married a Pakistani-Brit girl. A lot of my family made fun of me, but only in a playful nature [cousin marriages/acid-on-the-bride's-face etc.]. Pakistanis in the UK have a bad reputation for stuff like crime & child grooming; so stereotypes can run both ways.

    Look tbh it really depends on your whole outlook. If you're willing to make it work, then it really can work like any other relationship. Fact is, as Muslims, 90% of the "effort" is already done for you. My brother married a Greek girl ▬ his relationship is going well too [18 years now! They married young]. It really depends how open-minded you are.

    Hope everything works out for you.

  22. Hey I am from kolkata and I am a muslim too it's nothing like dt ok! People who make fun needs to grow !! In love if u see differences dn dts not love! Go nd find someone else dn..doesn't matter if ur indian bengali or pakistani!! Is he/she right person are u happy !! Is this what really matters 🙂

    • I am a Pakistani and been going out with a Bengali girl for 2 years and she is the most amazing girl eva, I wanna marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. Oneday I'm going have to tell my parents about it and I have no idea how they will react 🙁

  23. Marriage between pak/bengali I'm sure is a beautiful thing all this cheap culture talk should be thrown out, if two people love each other honestly go to the mosque read the naw aah and in time all will work out if not who cares you're life matters, don't fall for any emotional blackmail by your parents stay strong be strong don't make promises you can't keep to each other, marry live have children be happy godwit long.

  24. I am a bangladeshi from Bangladesh and I want to marry a paki girl.

    • Then don't call them "Pakis". It is considered derogatory.

      Wael Editor

      • The word Paki was thrown mostly at Bengalis living in London in the 60s and 70s so they are the ones who suffered from the racist abuse. Pakis say Paki themselves and Bengalis can use it too, we're not the ones with the racial history with it.

        What Pakis need to do is stop saying "bengoli" it's stupid and racist, have you forgotten the 1971 gencoide. Throughout history, the racist oppressors in this situatino have been Pakistani.

        So, no he can say paki.

        • Use whatever argument you want, but Paki is considered derogatory. Of course you can use and justify it, but that isn't a respectable thing to say. Justifying by giving one example of racist, again, doesn't change anything.

  25. I'm Bengali and my wife is Paki, so it's fine. Sh learnt Bengali (Sylheti) and knows a bit of Standard Bengali too so communication is not an issue with in laws. There's not an issue, most Bengali girls marry outside the Bengali community these days, so what's the issue with the boys doing it?

    My cousin is married to a Brazilian girl (muslim) so options are open for different cultures. All these cultures are as foreign to Bengali culture as each other, but it doesn't matter if you balance your family dynamics right. (e.g. they can learn Bengali etc.)

    • Why are you using the word paki?.. just so people know it's not only people of pakistani background who look down on bangalis but bangalis also look down on pakistanis and make fun of them. I can tell for a fact that even bengali families will have problem with their children wanting to marry pakistani people.

      • Hi just had a good read of everybody's comments! I would like to share that I am a Bengali girl who is married to a Pakistani boy, we have a little girl now mashallah! And I have to say I wouldn't change it for anything. The fact is wer Muslims and that's the main thing! I look at my daughter and think she is so lucky to benefit from both cultures! Inshallah I make dua that she grows to be a good Muslim and respects both cultures inshallah.

  26. salaam all, am a pakistani sister married to a bengali guy.alhamdulillaah we have been married for nearly 4years and happy. at first both of our side didnt support us but islamically the man doesnt need a wali so we had our nikka done.a year later my baby was born and his family came around it. i dont have parents so i dont bother with my extended my inlaws regret for being against our wedding because tey see how happy we are.i say go for it.we need to break this mentality and culture.need to face the fears.

  27. Hello to everyone and first I'm sorry for my not too good english, I have a question , I am a bulgarian-gypsi ,islamic and christian mixed girl, I'm gona to be direct,I'm deeply in love with a pakistani boy ,he have a computer hall and from the first way I go to the hall he always looking at me , but when I look at him he quickly look to another part, he always a spin around me like he doing something and looking at my eyes ,I think and I'm sure that he feels the same about me ,but he can not recognize me this continues to be a month,I constantly think and dream about him ,and I'm living with the fear of him if he is married ,please what I have to do or I should not to do anything, thanks in advance,god bless you all

    • betina this seems like an unlikely match to me. Aren't Romani people (gypsies) very strict about marrying only among themselves? From an Islamic perspective, if you converted to Islam then you could marry him. Is that something you would consider? If so, then you could start by just asking someone who knows him whether he is single or married, etc.

      Wael Editor

  28. As-salāmu 'Alayki Wa Rahmatullāhi Wa Barakātuh!

    My dear sister,

    Perhaps this reply has reached you in a late manner.

    May Allāh preserve you and aid you, Āmīn.

    First, make Du'ā and the secondly, speak to your parents about it. Do don't torment yourself by further getting attached to the brother without them knowing.
    We tend to put ourselves in the dark wondering about the response and reaction we may receive but we forget the reality could be different from what we expected - so tell your parents, In shā Allāh.
    It is common amongst the Subcontinent community whereby Pakistanis, Gurjaratis, Indians and Bengalis do not allow interracial marriage but living in the West now, where our parents being Islamically educated in a diverse society (which lacking in our countries of origin), may change their notion. However, I know it is a long shot though. As that old statement goes, go can't straighten a bent stick without it snapping.

    It has been 3 years since that post was posted so please let me know what happened, In shā Allāh.

    Jazāmullāhu Khayran!

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