Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have failed as a Muslim and a father as my children are not Muslim

Does this work in marriage?

Do marriages between Muslims and Christians work?

I have been debatting about writing this post, but now I feel I have to, I can't hold it in It'll kill me, or drive me crazy. I married my wife who is Christian a year or two after I became a Muslim. I didn't bring up my religion to her in the form of getting her to convert, but I let her know about things I found out in Islam, hoping she would. She never did, and to this day remains a Christian.

We now have 4 children together, and none of them are Muslim. My oldest daughter wants to be Muslim, but that will have to wait until she reaches puberty. It's something I hope, and pray for. We are getting a divorce soon, It's almost final, but I'm afraid when that happens I'll have no more say on the way my children are raised, at least in the religious aspect. My Ex wife told me one day that she was rededicating her life to Christianity. I applauded her for it. I'm not against other religions. My happiness turned to distress when she told me she was going to raise the children Christian as well.

I feel I'm a failure as a Father, and as a Muslim. I have allowed my children to become Kafir. After my Ex wife told me her news I became a little depressed, actually I was already depressed because I lost my job at Swift & Company, a beef processing plant here in Texas, and we were living in a family shelter until we got on our feet. At that point my wife announced she was divorcing me, and I was out on the street. Now this news. I was to the point where I even stopped going to Jummah, and performing Salaat. I've only recently begun to perform prayers, and go to Jummah. I'm still depressed about the situation.

She (my ex wife) treats me like a dog, speaking down to me, etc. I give an adequate defense for myself, but I avoid most of her rantings. I'm often soft.  spoken, and reserved until I've had enough, then I blow up. It's happened before, and now I have a stained record with a Class A misdomeanor for family violence. I don't blame her, It was my fault when the situation got too hot I should have walked away to cool off. One other thing that bothers me about this whole situation is my ex wife has some very violent misconceptions about Islam, she always has. I've tried to show her the truth of Islam, little of it she has accepted. One time my daughter asked her why she wasn't Muslim. She replied that she didn't want to belong to a religion that subjugates women. I was horrified she would tell my daughter such a thing. My daughter is extremly bright, but just as all children are impressionable. She'll try to put two and two together and get to thinking her father subjugates women!?

Another example occurred at a friend of my ex-wife's house my eldest daughter asked when Muslims held their worship services (Jummah) I told her on Fridays, and she asked if she could attend. I had no problem with her attending and learning about Islam, but she needed her mom, or a female family member their with her since she's only 7. I told her to ask her mom (already knowing what the answer would be). Her friend told her that her mom wouldn't allow her to go to a Mosque. Where did this friend of hers get the notion to answer my daughters question that was specifically for her mom!? Of course This lady had an extremly bad opinion of Muslims in general from being married to a so-called muslim who abused her. I didn't mean to make this post long, but I needed to vent a little steam. I apologize if I appear like a raving idiot, which I probrably do. But I need to get this off my chest.

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12 Responses »

  1. salaam, im a muslim girl and i have never had any problems with the men in our community or religion so where does she get that idea. in fact if ur a sunni muslim then women have such a high status in their families..mothers have 3 timez the love n respect then that of a father. ur wife is obviously not very educated if she has such messed up views on islam. arw u sunni or shia, ifshia then i dont blame ur wife cuz shia men tend to be messed up with women, ie believe in mutah etc... if u need more advice or chat email me

  2. Salam, Thank you for your advice, and support on this issue. I'm Sunni, and follow the Hanafi Madhab. I don't know too many Shia'a. The thing is My Ex wife's mother isn't Muslim, and knows the tremendous benifits, and rights mothers and wives recieve in Islam. I have no Idea where she gets the ideas she does about Islam. She's educated, but even educated people can have ignorant beliefs, and ideas. Since our divorce I still try my best to teach my kids how to practice Islam, and teach them Arabic as best I can. Allah knows best in a difficult situation like this. How is your Ramadan coming, May Allah bless you, and establish you on Al Islam, and the Sunnah for the advice, and kind words.

    ma salam,
    Ahmad

    My email address is

  3. Ahmed,

    Let me be transparent. I'm not a Muslim. In fact, I consider myself an atheist. I do, however, have an appreciation for many messages conveyed by the world religions. Second, I was born and raised in the United States, so my views may be different than yours if you were born or raised outside the U.S.

    That said, let me suggest you not refer to your ex-wife's particular viewpoints on Islam as ignorant beliefs. As much as you may disagree with how your ex-wife values her experience with Islam, they are her conclusions. Everyone has a right to feel as they do about something. It may seem through your words that your dismissing her concerns, and how easily it would be for all of us to do the same if we felt she was disparaging us. But if you are to listen to her deeply, you may be able to sense where her concern originate from, and that might help you better reveal your Islamic message of love to others.

    Similarly, your ex-wife is wrong to berate you. Of course, you're fully responsible for your response to her nagging and verbal abuse, but her actions aren't quite Christian, as far as I can tell. It'll take time for her to move beyond this. In fact, she may never. It may not be for you to help her become a little more respectful and understanding. This will be the hardest thing for you and your relationship with the children.

    As for your children, like anyone, they'll respond to love and patience. Express your disappoint or disagreement respectfully to your wife. Tell your children that someday they'll be able to choose whether or not to join you at a mosque. Tell them you'll love them regardless of their faith as long as their faith is one born out of, and exudes, love - if all that's the truth.

    Should you feel like a failure? No. God loves you as much as anything else. And you have more things to worry about now than how valued you are. You're valued. Life's tough. It doesn't always go your way. There's always tomorrow. Try your best, and enjoy your successes. Stay strong. And never stop loving.

    J. Alexander Lloyd

    • Thank you Mr. Lloyd, I do apologise for responding so late, but I read your post over and over again, and gave some thought to what you said. Again thank you for your sincere advise.

    • Mr Lloyd,

      Thankyou for your contribution here :).

      I found your comment very interesting because you said you consider yourself 'Atheist', but acknowledged the existence of a 'God' at the same time.

      The image that is portrayed of 'God' is not always a positive one. Thats usually because people do not know the attributes of the One who created us. Hence I prefer to call Him Allah, the One who Created us and Sustains us.

      My common sense tells me there has to be a Divine Being who has created the Universe and all that is in it. This amazing and intelligent universe could not have come into existence with such precision from a random big bang. I believe there was a Creator behind that big bang. My common sense tells me so.

      (On the other hand, if one does not share my common sense and believes that this amazing and highly intelligent Universe did come into existence due to a random explosion of chemicals; then you must also believe that your laptop, your mobile phone, your TV and even you formed out of a random explosion of chemicals)...hmm, impossible!!

      Apologies for going on and on, I could go on about this topic for ages! :0)

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  4. This post is old but I still feel i have to comment on it

    I know the woman being spoken of in the passage She does not have negative views on Islam I have spoken with her several times about why she doesnt want to be muslim She says that she doesnt want to be muslim because she believes that God came down and made him self flesh to die for our sins She believes that the Holy Spirit exist because of what God dying on the cross

    Remember there are always 2 sides to a story

  5. Now when by chance I was just going through shia jurisdiction I came across your grevience I could not control myself from writing and adding some more :believe it or not any body who is going and finding solace in others religion and sect ,or even country .will never ever be at peace ,the love and happiness is very short lived.Iam a mother of 3 kids .They are 5,3,2 years but believe me each and every breadth of my life regrets for what is done.To be true to myself I love my shia-ism,I love my country but due to my own momentum affair I lost every thing ,now tears are rolling down ,my heart is sinking, all hopes are shattered to the extent that I look like a grand mother to my children than a mother.kash pehle wala time wapus aa jae.but we never learn from others experiences,unless and untill we fall aprey.Now neither can I die because of my kids nor Iam living????? Although I am much more qualified and better in every respect of life than my husband.But than what love is blind.This note is meant to say think million times beforedoing any such stupidity as time cant be traced back and we will never get another life.

  6. Assalam-Alekum,
    Brother Ahmed, sorry i am late but seeing you replied to this post I realized that you must be reading it. I think you have not failed as a muslim or as a father. I think the time you posted this question was perhaps when you lost the job and your wife left you. Both of these events can easily put down any man. The decision of any person's success or failure is in hands of Allah (s.w.t) and I pray for you that Allah (s.w.t) make your life sucess in this world and hereafter both as a muslim and as a father.

    I really love the way you are concerned about your children's future for this world and hereafter. I am not sure at what stage you are in your life, from your post you appear to be quite down, I just want to say that brother please pick yourself up and be strong. I think you need to be as much strong as possible for the sake of your children's future in this life and hereafter.

    I assume that you are separated from your wife, but perhaps you have visiting rights to meet your children. I think you should visit them as much as possible and take full part in all their activities. Even if there mother is not there be there for them at their school etc. And be strong for them. I think I do not need to tell you anything about being father but please just be there for them you have not lost them.

    You mentioned that your eldest daughter is 7 and I think is 9 now, I guess. I think its not that much of a big age. If she wants to visit the mosque, you can take her to see the mosque. She need not be dependent on her mother for going to mosque. I know and I myself have gone to mosque with family so let her explore it.

    One thing which I can humbly suggest is to give your children an english translation of quran to read. And if your elder daughter want she can discuss it with you,when you visit her or she can email you if she has any questions. Do not push them to read it or not. Simply give a copy of the Quran to the child who is able to read.

    I think you should really focus on your eldest child first as she is in an age where a child can go either way. And inshaAllah once she comes to islam, she can be guide for her younger brothers/sisters inshaAllah. Also, daughters in their very nature are caring be it their siblings or child, but I think you should really fight with 'Hikmah' for your children to come to islam. The struggle is not easy but I think with patience and perseverance you can bring them to islam. Brother please remember for your children you have sort of home field advantage as your children are born muslims :-). And inshAllah they'll remain muslim. So be confident in your efforts.

    As far as your wife is concerned, I think you should be on your best behavior with her even though you guys are separated. i think your behavior with your wife will also affect your children. If you are good enough then your children will notice, just be a model muslim for their sake. And brother please remember while trying to bring your children to islam you are doing an effort which Allah (s.w.t.) bestowed upon Prophets. So do not despair, be persistent, sometimes you'll feel that may be you are not going anywhere, but don't give up. Allah will reward you for your effort (inshaAllah).

    May Allah(s.w.t.) bring your children to islam and guide us all to earn jannah.
    Ameen!

    regards,

  7. Sister Z I was reading your post, and I appreciate your comment. Even though Mr. Lloyd says that he is an atheist, I do feel that he does have a respect for religions, and people of religious faith. Which is good, especially today, with all that's going on that is related to Islam, and Muslims. I've grown a lot in Islam, and the way I view other faiths, and people who don't have a religious faith since I posted this. My ex wife, and I both have, and we've been able come to understand each others faith better, and grown to respect each other's faith.

    • Ahmed Jenkins,

      I agree, I think My Lloyd came across as very respectful. Alot of our own Muslims could learn alot from the way he wrote his comment.

      With regards to my comment, it is my duty as a Muslim to convey the basic message of Islam to others. Islam is for the whole of mankind and jinn.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  8. salam aleykom sir i have a beautiful gift for you its an amazing video that all channell tv of the worlds talked about and may be can help you for converting your family to islam
    http://www.huda.tv/
    salam aleykom

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