Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Relationship with a Hindu girl I can’t forget

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Assalaam wa alaikum,

I have been in love with a hindu girl for the past 2 years. After falling deeply in love, I came to know that love affairs are haram in islam before marriage. So I told her I can't do this and now she is totally broken. Initially I was feeling good that I was saved from doing sin, but later on I found I am also broken from inside and I can't forget her. I am trying each and every day to get her out of my mind, but still she is coming in my mind. And the words and the way she cried- I can't forget that.

She also tried to move on, but after 8 months she called me and tried to patchup. But I know I can't because it will hurt my religious sentiment, as well as my parents' feelings. So to safeguard both things, I am trying to be away from her. We met only once while travelling by train, and we exchanged our numbers. Then we started talking and finally fell for each other.

I abused her a lot to leave me, but she kept patience and heard what I said. Now we don't show to each other that we are hurt, but inside we are dying to be with each other. She is now saying thet she will convert to Islam, but I don't know her intentions on what she will do later on. I am 25 years old, and she is 18 years old. I don't know if she is making these promises just because she is not mature enough, and later on she will change her mind not to convert and carry on to follow her own religion. Then I will be the sinner.

I also told my parents, and they became angry. My ammi fell ill after hearing all this, and I was so afraid that I started killing my feelings, but she is not getting out of my mind. She calls me and tries to know how I am. Whenever I talk to other girls on Facebook as a friend, out of jealousy she also starts talking to new boys and tries to make me feel jealous. And by seeing all this I really lose my mind.

Her parents also know, but now they know that we are not together and they don't scold her. I don't know why I met with this girl if nothing of mine was written with her. After every namaaz I pray to Allah to forget her, and keep her happy in her world and keep me happy in my world. But we can't forget each other. She also fasted for me one of the days of ramdhan.

She lives in another place, so I don't know if she is telling the truth or lying to impress me. But all I know is we loved each other deeply. Now for higher studies she will move to another city, and I also fear that if she comes to my city then we won't resist and end up meeting. I fear to do these haram things and relationship. We both know that we can't be together, but the feelings are not dying. She is saying she has hope that we will meet one day if God wants. I also have the same thing- if Allah wills, we will meet.

I know it's very difficult because both families will never agree, and there will be lot of problems. My parents have a lot of dreams for me, and I don't want to shatter their dreams because I'm the only son. I also fear that every hindu will go to hell after their death, and this world is nothing- the actual life is after death; and I can't imagine her in hellfire.

But will she understand and follow my religion? I don't know. My parents will marry me in 2 to 3 years, and she is still studying, and it will take 5 years to complete her education. I don't know what will happen in the future with us. One thing that always worries me is if she is going to live happily after I get married. Everything is in Allah's hand.

Please suggest ways to forget her completely, and that she will also forget me. Please help.

-Tanweer Al Qamar

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13 Responses »

  1. OP: I have been in love with a hindu girl for the past 2 years. After falling deeply in love, I came to know that love affairs are haram in islam before marriage. So I told her I can't do this and now she is totally broken.

    I don't blame you as you were only 23 years old when you fell in love with a 16 yr old girl and you did not know it was no an acceptable thing to do in Islam.
    You are 25 yr old now. I think you should get married. You never know the girl who talk to you as a friend may have some thing else on her mind.

  2. First , you must break all contact with her completely. Block her on Facebook, numbers, delete all visuals of her completely. I just helped a brother through this and alhamdulillah he has moved on. But in order to completely forget this pain is to erase everything about her from your life. You are forbidden to marry a Hindu and the marriage would be invalid if you did marry her. If she accepts Islam after you two leave contact then alhamdulillah but you cannot let that be a reason to keep a bond now. Accepting Islam has to come from the heart and not because one wants to marry. This hardly works out as I have heard many brothers complain that after marriage the women turned to old ways. Secondly, you must make dua more and more , read Quran and search for a wife that will raise your children on the deen. Would you risk your children growing up Hindu ? Astaghfirullah I would pray that this would be a great concern for you as in Islam a father is the Shepard of his flock. Many times the mother plays the "teacher" role in a child's life. Something to think about. Also, keep in mind that how can anyone love you as a Muslim truly and not love the prophet muhammad (saw) because who he was is suppose to be represented in ourselves. We are to love and hate for the sake of Allah swt. Also, healing from a heartbreak takes time and patience ; and more prayer than you can imagine. It's not just the person you love that you lost , it's the time that you had together on the phone etc that you miss. Also, start the search for a wife who will help to increase you imaan and who wants to see you in jannah. That's true love. That's pure love. Also, I will advise that you lower your gaze and try not to speak with non-mahram women so this does not happen to you again. That's the wisdom in forbidding of free-mixing in Islam. Allah says: "And when you ask the ladies for anything, ask them from before a screen. That makes for greater purity for your hearts and for theirs." [Surah al-ith people who are close to Allah. Start thinking about the reasons that Allah might have not wanted this woman for you. He knows what we do not know and know that this pain we often put upon ourselves. We can't just ask Allah to fix something we caused without putting a share of effort in. I know right now it hurts but I promise that it will end. A brother of Islam come to me with the same problem except this woman was a Christian highly devoted to worshipping Jesus pbuh astaghfirullah . He was in a lot of pain. But every day he would send me a message and tell me "remind me of Allah" and I had him completely remove this girl from his life. He blocked her and her friends on Facebook and erased her number. When she would call he wouldn't answer it and wouldn't listen to her voice messages. Then he started devoting his time for the sake of Allah and finally was blessed with a wife that he claims was better than what he asked for. So that now when he speaks about the girl he use to love so much , he is able to pray that Allah guides her and gives her the best spouse. Time and dua make everything better. My last word of advice is to try to avoid being alone. Shaiton loves to whisper and cause pain when we are alone . I ask Allah to give your heart ease and mind rest and that He grants for you the best wife on deen as a comfort and healing so that you may join together in Jannah with greetings of Assalamu alaykum Aameen ya Rabb

  3. You are 25, she is 18.

    Trust me, you will get over her. She will also definitely get over you in time, as she likely has a crush that she mistakenly perceives as "love."

    Give it time.

  4. This relationship itself is haram so you cannot expect any good to come out of it. You may or may not forget about her in time but is it worth displeasing Allah swt ? She fasted for you??? Fasting is not for you it is for Allah swt .you need to break all ties with this girl for your own good. Your family and your deen are more important. This isnt love this is shaitans way of diverting you away from Allah swt. If she meant for heaven or hell thats upon Allah swt .increase your zikr and inprove the relationshiop bw you and Allah swt and He will guide you IA.

  5. Assalamwalaikum,

    I cannot begin to describe how much your story resonates with my past. I made a similar post here too, asking for help to forget someone I loved very much. Here I am today, literally more than 4000 miles apart from her, over 3 years gone by, and every time I look back, I breakdown a little because in some corner of my heart, I still love her, and I have not truly forgotten. I gave a piece of my heart that I will never get back.

    I am being brutally honest with you. In my opinion, you won't forget your past in entirety nor will she ...atleast not yet, because this past has shaped who you have become today. There is a lot you have to suffer before your memory starts to wither away. From my personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that, it is perhaps impossible to remove feelings of such intense emotion and love for someone even if this conflicts with our Islamic teaching. I think that over time, we simply numb ourselves to this feeling and move on with the tide of time. However, this does not mean that we cannot love again. We certainly can love again, but it won't feel the same.

    Love is not a crime. You have done nothing wrong to love and want to be with another person. But it is not that simple either. You already know that it is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim in Islam, and I guess that I need not tell you about the consequences of that in this life or the hereafter. I think that as a Muslim, you cannot love a person "for" committing shirk, polytheism or a person who does not believe in God altogether (aka atheists). However, there are a variety of other reasons you can love someone and they may all be valid. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

    From the way I see your situation, I think you have two choices. First, is to get a psychiatrist as you maybe likely to end up in depression. Second, is to accept what has happened, take valuable lessons from this experience and embrace a new beginning. I hope you choose the latter. However, I can understand your train of thought. There is a recurring theme that runs through your mind time and again. To summarize the mix of thoughts, I guess its something like:

    Probability - What is the chance or possibility of you and her being together?
    [Whatever is supposed to get to you, could never miss you. Whatever is supposed to miss you, could never get to you.]
    Agreeability - Will both the family agree to the relationship?
    [If your parents "dream" involve you getting married to a woman of their choice... highly unlikely.]
    Genuineness - Is she converting for you or is she converting because she really believes in Allah?
    [Allah is her witness/judge on Judgment Day for what she believes. Don't let yourself develop mistrust towards a person's testimony of believing in Allah and His Messenger (PBUH). Be glad, as you may be the cause of her to come closer to Allah.]
    Care - Will she be happy if I am not there for her?
    [This is actually an emotional dependency. Her source of happiness in life should never be connected to a person, even if it is her husband.]
    Fear - What will happen to her on judgment day?
    [Leave this to Allah. He is The Most Just, The Most Knowledgeable. Allah knows what you and her, conceal and reveal of your hearts'.]
    Uncertainty - Will we be really happy together if we get married?
    [Ask every "love-married" couple, I think the answer is rarely going to be a 100% yes.]
    Crosspaths - What if we meet each other after a long time, will the past love I felt re-emerge?
    [I think it will hurt you more than you'd love.]

    All of these thoughts gives a boost to your anxiety and pulls you down. Basically, you ruminate over and over again on these very topics. Rumination will send you in a spiral of depression that very few survive. The advice that has worked for me is that, 'you have to end these trains of thought and engage in something more meaningful/important to you'. For me, my degree was really important to which I shifted my focus. Identify what is leading you to these thoughts and stop them at that very moment. It could be tempting to "try-and-figure" the answers to these questions/puzzle, but it is a fallacy.

    Whenever I talk to other girls on Facebook as a friend, out of jealousy she also starts talking to new boys and tries to make me feel jealous. And by seeing all this I really lose my mind.

    Brother, you have completely missed the point! I guess these videos should enlighten you, InshaAllah!

    Islam and Why Muslim Men and Women can't be friends?

    Remember this dua when you feel anxious and overwhelmed:

    May Allah make it easy for you to let go and move on in life, and replace your loss with something better. Ameen! 🙂

  6. If she is considering converting and you have the opportunity to save her from the hell fire I would marry her. (Here is a story about a beautiful sahaba woman who everybody wanted to marry. The men kept sending her proposals with ourageous mehr. But she didn't agree. Once a hindu man who apparently was really wealthy sent a proposal to her trying to bribe her to marry him. She refused but he was persistent. She then asked Allah for guidance. Soon after he came to her and said he will convert to islam as her mehr. She agreed and married him. We are told to follow the example of the prophet pbuh and the sahaba, leave it to Allah maybe this is Allah's way of guiding her to islam or maybe she's faking only Allah knows. Do isthikhara and leave it to Allah. Realistically some parents will never agree no matter who you bring home but they will getb over it. But you have the opportunity to save someone's soul.

    • The Quran clearly states that a believer can't marry a disbeliever ... Those who associate partners with Allah swt. This is not from unauthentic hadiths but Quran itself , the words of Allah swt. Allah knows best.

    • Dear Nina,
      Assalam alaikum,

      I have never heard of the story that you have shared--could you cite it?

      On the surface, your suggestion to marry the girl and save her soul seems logical, but a person's soul can only be saved by their own beliefs and actions/deeds. We are not saved by who our spouse is.

      Secondly, by marrying a Hindu woman or someone who has only reverted for the world to see, but not in practice, this man is taking an immense risk in having children who will be heavily influenced by a non-believing mother. So, by "saving her soul," is he not putting his future children's souls in great danger and risk?

  7. Umm sulaim accepted abu talha. I apologise for the delay read this years ago and I liked the story so remembered it. I just reasearched and cited a web site the source should be there.

    Umm sulaim accepted abu talha converting to islam as her mehr. Sorry it took so long to cite this I read story uears ago and it just stuck with me. I had to research to get u source it should be in the webste mentioned.

  9. I didn't mean marry her if she converts only on the surface. Marry her if the intention is genuine. I know many women who converted just for the guy and.ended up being better muslims than their husbands. I also know of one where the imam refused to do nikkah cuz she had fire their to do hindu ritual. Upon seeing even I walked out of wedding. That's why if she converts genuinely do isrtikhara if positive marry her.

  10. Buddy atleast act as a human and if she is to ready accept islam, let her give a chance and dont you give ears to what these blind folded people are telling. Go ahead and atleast get a life.

  11. Salam my dear brother .... !

    I read all opinion but I found nina and Faiz are right in their views....

    Islam allows a Muslim man to marry a non muslim girl, but a muslim girl is not allowed to marry a non muslim boy....
    its because man is dominating and because of his this ststus there are chances that the girl he is going to be married might convert to Islam,

    and in your case the girl is already prepared herself to accept Islam and she is ready to convert to Islam. My brother don't let her go discuss with your family and try to agree with your feelings at-least a human being is going to accept because of you, May Allah Swt forgive all of your sins because of this good act.

    Allah ap per Reham kry ameen !

    sorry for my bad English

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