Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will Allah punish me for being suspicious of my husband when I have every reason to?

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Asalamalaikum...

Dear brothers and sisters, I am need of some advice...

I married my husband 3 and a half years ago, I accepted Islam in order to marry my husband. I am still learning all about our amazing religion, mashallah.

My husband keeps telling me that I will be severely punished for suspecting him of affairs and cheating. My question is that every time I have looked in his cell phone, I have found messages to and from other girls or women, where he is referring to these women as princess, telling them that he is thinking about them, and things like that.

So would Allah punish me for being suspicious when I have every reason to be suspicious? I don't and cannot talk to anyone at our mosque, as word would get back to my husband.

Please advise me, jazakallah.

Ayesha_MRA.

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37 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum

    Suspicion is a bad thing, period. But in your case, you have mentioned messages from women therefore your suspicion is justified.

    He is probably trying to put the blame back on you for his lack of moral strength. He may be just flirting with these women whom he knows in person or he just has developed a bad habit of being flirty with females he meets online (some of them may not even be females but hooking him along). In any case its not a healthy habit.

    There are two was you can proceed.
    1. Openly confront him, have a big fight, tell him that he is wrong to do such things and throw accusations at him etc. If he has gone too far along then this way you will probably find out. But I would not recommend this unless you have substantial proof that he is meeting up with these women as well.

    2. If you cannot find proof that he meets up with these women and only resorts to having flirty phone messages then he probably misses something in relationship with you. Both physical cheating and emotional cheating are equally hurtful for women, but you can still repair the damage. If you can start a dialog with him in which you can have discussion about what he misses in relationship with you without accusatory tone then he will probably slowly open up. These women cannot provide him with what you can provide but you maybe oblivious to his needs (this is a very common occurrence and wives only realize it when husbands distance themselves from their wives).

    If it is you find yourself in a situation described in 2 then take heart as this is very fixable. I may sound like that I am blaming you for his actions (I am not) rather I am trying to explain that you have the tools to keep him interested, the problem is that wives fail to understand their husband's needs.

    It seems that you two have some connection with the mosque that would imply that he is at least a good man at surface with a good reputation in the community. Therefore it might be worthwhile to be a little bit more patient with him.

    JZK

    • You must be kidding. I think you *ignored* the fact that his actions are HARAM! He does not need to meet up with these women; mere flirting is quite enough. Stop misguiding this sister in making her think this is something *she* needs to fix. Its clearly an issue her husband needs to fix... and fast! Im almost positive your advice would sound very different if it was a man asking about his cheating wife.

      • Assalamualaikum

        I am disappointed that you didn't pay attention to what I said. Maybe you don't live in the west that is why my suggestions seemed so odd to you.

        What most people obviously fail to understand is that people do not become good muslims overnight. In most cases it takes us years of struggle to overcome our bad habits. Sometimes we need others to be more understanding about our struggles.

        I would advise you to pay close attention to the Seerah of PBUH and the Four Caliphs in how they dealt with Sahaba who were struggling to be better muslims.

        As a parting advice, always try to give the benefit of the doubt to the people and try to understand why they are indulging in Haram acts. You will be able to give a much better advice if you can understand their situation.

        JZK

        • Texting multiple women on a daily basis is BEYOND a bad habit. Each woman he speaks to is a conscious decision: every woman, every text, every word, every time he spells out "princess." No one is a perfect muslim, but to constantly and knowingly make the same bad acts is unexcusable. God has given us a simple manual to follow and live our lives by. There is no dispute, there is no arguments; live your life as God instructs. He has made it so that following these rules, we will encounter less struggles in our lives.

          Yes, I do live in the west. That is exactly what I draw my experience from: People love to make excuses for themselves or find blame in others. For you to liken his adultury as a "struggle" that needs to be understood just angers me. That is the flawed western thought that you refer to. It is no different then Tiger Woods using the excuse that he "struggles" as a "sex addict" which caused him to cheat on his wife with porn actresses. Should we be understanding of that? No! Its his excuse to legitimize his past poor actions. So yes, I understand exactly what you were saying...

          • "Mulla" man, I was actually born in the West :).

            I still think your "advice" is appalling and unislamic.

          • Assalamualaikum

            I know that its hard to explain things in few words. I will try to make another attempt and try to explain why its important to consider other side of things as well. I don't know the husband or the wife, but I do know that many times misunderstandings and lack of communication leads to problems in the marriage.

            In my original message, I advised the sister to investigate and get more concrete proof. If he is meeting up with these women in person then that doesn't look good.

            On the other hand, it may be the case that these women are just his random chat buddies. I do not approve such behavior but to make the husband realize that what he is doing is wrong will take more effort. Sometimes people lack knowledge or find it hard to give up habits which they don't consider bad.

            Consider the example of a person who had many male and female friends before he got married. He is unable to cut ties with his female friends and keeps in touch, he may have always flirted with his female friends. Or consider the example of a person who works in an environment with lot of females and he is friendly with them.

            I always advise the people to give the person benefit of the doubt and try to learn more about their situation, before accusing them of doing something Haram and labeling them.

            I find it strange that the sisters who have replied to my comment and labeling it a being a bad advice. Unless you guys don't know the husband personally, how can you pass a judgement on the husband with such contempt. If possible please summarize my advice so that I can know how it was being interpreted by the reader.

      • I deleted Mulla Naseeruddin's comments as I found the constant attempts to justify the husband's behavior to be inappropriate. I agree that in general we need to think the best of people and avoid suspicion. But there's no justification for a married man sending text messages to women calling them princess and saying that he misses them.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I am a little bit disappointed that you didn't get my point either. I am sticking to my guns because recently in my community two divorces have happened because in both cases wives misinterpreted the actions of their husbands which led to distrust and eventually divorce. I know both husbands personally, they are not role model muslim husbands but both wives suspicion were baseless.

          But the suspicion grew into lack of trust and then problems occurred and eventually divorce happened. One had 4 kids while the other had just 1 kid.

          In this particular case, I do not know the husband, but I will advise the sister to take further steps in finding out who these other females are, why is he getting in touch with them.

          I feel it necessary to post my experiences here. Its up to you to delete it again. I will not reply again in this thread.

          JZK

          • Actually Mulla, I restored your comments. Perhaps I was hasty in deleting them. I find the husband's actions extremely suspicious, but it's always best to find out the truth before making judgments.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Why do you keep on insisting she needs more proof? Him chatting to women on Facebook and calling them princesses is proof enough. If she finds out he does more than chatting then she's in reality only finding out about the extend of the cheating she already has proof is going on. What does it matter how unfaithful he is? All that matters is that he's unfaithful.

      • Assalamualaikum

        The following are real examples that I have come across.

        1) One of the young husbands who was involved with MSA at the university had both male and female muslim friends. He also had many non-muslim male and female friends. Some of them were classmates and project mates and got to know them over time. He got married but still keeps in touch with some of them. His wife knows it and understand the nature of the contact. Probably he doesn't try to hide his messages from his wife that is wife isn't too upset. But his wife is a convert and they are happily married.

        2) My own brother in law had a female colleague with whom he worked for several years. The colleague became family friends. He then became a bit more religious bu the colleague didn't. He didn't cut ties with her and keeps in touch just in the hope that she may see that Islam has made him a better person. My brother in law is married to a turkish muslim. His wife was a little bit upset but when found out the details everything was resolved. He is the type of person who doesn't share everything with his wife and this made his wife a bit more suspicious.

        3) I also know of an muslim convert who is married to a sister from the subcontinent. He is a very friendly guy and found it hard to cut his ties with his female coworkers. When my wife was working in the same office as him, she informed me that he was just extra friendly and she was not used to it. Since I already knew him very well I explained to her that it was his nature and its hard to change the nature even when you convert to Islam. It will take time. My wife is friends with his wife and knew that they were happily married.

        4) Recently someone contacted messaged me after a long time. I knew her family and I had worked with her during my University days. She contacted me because she was upset and didn't know how to resolve her problems in a more Islamic way. If you read the messages you would get the impression that something was going on but I had to use language which would calm her down. I gave her the Islamic perspective and she seemed to understand.

        I can go on with many cases like these where sometimes the mind goes into overdrive. I admit that addressing someone as princess or sweet nicknames like that doesn't look good. But if you call someone princess on a text message then that does not mean that you can label this person a cheater. He might not like to share things with his wife. That is why my advice is always to get more concrete proof.

        • You have gone thru great lenghts trying to excuse this man by providing examples that are not similar. I dont have the energy to refute it. But Im sure the readers can see for themselves where your reasoning is flawed. Everyone is entitled to thier own opinion, even if the opinion itself is morally lacking.

          • JZK Br. Wael for restoring my comments.

            I will brief in my reply to Goodgirl.

            Under no circumstances I am defending the husband. I am making the case that the sister is justified in being suspicious but she should delay forming an opinion until she can find more concrete proof.

            I am trying to explain that don't treat this particular case as black and white. Try to find to what extent is it gray. Is his case closer to white or is he closer to black. Once she has more information then she will know if the husband is sincere.

            I have gone to great lengths to try to explain that even after calling some non-mahrams, the husband might still actually be closer to white and in such cases the wife can help him overcome his moral weakness.

            After all it is one of our job to help the significant other overcome their weaknesses and attain true success in this life and hereafter.

            JZK

      • What more concrete proof do you need??? Reciept from a dinner date? A condom wrapper? You see how ridiculous that is? I think reading the cell phone messages are quite enough.

        • Please reread all my posts and understand why just reading a few phone messages is just not enough proof.

    • To brother 'Mulla' : "If you cannot find proof that he meets up with these women and only resorts to having flirty phone messages then he probably misses something in relationship with you...... These women cannot provide him with what you can provide but you maybe oblivious to his needs (this is a very common occurrence and wives only realize it when husbands distance themselves from their wives). ..... I may sound like that I am blaming you for his actions (I am not) rather I am trying to explain that you have the tools to keep him interested, the problem is that wives fail to understand their husband's needs. "

      I have done everything I could to satisfy my husband. I have tried to be the perfect wife for him and he acknowledged that himself - I'm better than him in religion, in education, I can cook, sew, bake etc. etc. etc. and I serve his sex drives whenever he wants - 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, once, twice, thrice or even 4 times per day. I stop cooking to have sex with him, I was late to work to satisfy him in bed, I have to take shower many times after sex so that I can make the five daily prayers. He wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning when he feels that he wants sex - oblivious to the fact that I have to wake up the next morning for work. And after all these - he still watch porn movies on the internet, he flirts with women online, he goes to dating websites to find sex partners and then meet up with them in hotels, he goes fishing for women who 'wants' sex at shopping centres, bars, clubs, restaurants, dates them and brings them to hotels for sex, he sends sexy messages which my son happened to read once and he has lost trust in him as a good father - what more do guys want from women? And still, after all these, he made 1 particular woman pregnant and he had to marry her. And now, I have to share him with another wife, and I am still that 'stupid', 'submissive' wife who is nice to his second wife and sharing everything, even my money. Before, he buys 1kg of meat and I have it all to myself, but now, he buys 1kg of meat and I have to share it with his other wife. And I still can put on a smiling face when he comes home, serve him dinner, clean his house, serve him in bed once, twice, thrice or even four times. There are countless times when I got up, took shower for fajr prayer, and then have to go back to bed to serve him again. Day in day out I feel like vomitting, having to serve him in bed. And still, women like me get blamed when husbands commit adultery outside. Still, women like me have to understand what the husbands are going through. MEN always want women to know what they are going through - do MEN really know what women have done for them? What have I done that is still lacking and that does not satisfy my husband? Mulla - YOU TELL ME. Don't go round telling women and men alike that 'wives do not understand their husbands' needs. Don't even tell me why I don't ask for divorce or khula because I and women like me will ALWAYS be blamed for everything that men do, even in divorce, it's ALWAYS the women's fault.

      Islam and Rasulullah have elevated and defended the status of women in Islam, but YOU have downgraded us to the lowest level and instead elevated the status of men like yourself. It's wrong for wives to suspect when their husbands keep close contact with female friends because it's difficult to change a habit - so, will you allow if you see such messages on your wife's own phones? Tell me.

      • Maybe he is a sex addict ...

      • this is really upsetting. im sorry sis. may Allah elevate ur position and give u the best. never mind the male chauvinists. Allah understands u.

        • thank you sis (apple green). that is all I'm asking and hoping for - that Allah accepts all my sacrifices - i do everything for the sake of Allah and i never complain to anyone, not even to family or friends - but when a male comes and says that women don't understand men's needs or women are oblivious to men's needs - it just irks me so very much. i can give a list of more examples to proof my point and it's not just me but of those women whom i know - but i will not. suffice what i have said above.

          • Salam sis Yasmin. You are definitely not alone many women go through this. I myself have gone through the same as you I did everything to please my husband. I always have him the benefit of doubt. No matter what I did it was still not enough! Even if I died for him he will still not be happy. I kept blaming myself thinking its me. Even if I gave him the world it wasn't enough. Eventually he left! As he didn't want a wife and didn't care about our kids. He just wanted to play around with girls n take drugs and get drung and go to nightclubs to pick up girls! As you can guess people especially MEN blamed it on me!!! It's my fault that he takes drugs n gambles because I asked him to provide for his wife n kids. I should provide! It's my fault he goes nightclubs and has girlfriends because I am not dressed like a prostitute and didn't have transplants to make myself sexy! And I was busy taking care of my kids when I should drop them and let them cry in hungar and just keep enticing the husband every second!! My husband got a ticket for speeding its my fault! Everything is the wife's fault. Just recently I heard he robbed his cousin and is on the run! N guess wat it's my fault also! I should give him money!

            The list can go on forever. And these narrow minded men will always say its the wife's fault. I don't care about what people say but does anger me too! Allah knows how desperately I tried to be a good wife but it wasn't enough. It's not my fault or anybody else's. it's my husbands fault! Every human being is responsible for their sins. He is an adult he conscously chose to sin without fearing Allah. He is the only one to be blamed for his actions he chose to follow shaitan. Allah has given everyone a brain to use it and stay away from sin! There is no excuse for sins be it man or women! Now my husband left no one will marry me as I have two kids. Maybe I should start flirting with men cause I have needs. But I won't cause I fear ALlah I know this is a sin! I make the decision. Don't worry about these narrow minded men.

            This is exactly the reason why non Muslims always attack Islam with the common slogan that women are inferior in Islam and are tormented by men! No wonder they have this misconception!!

            May Allah reward for your sacrifices and brings you peace.

            Xxxx

          • Salam sis sumatera,
            Thank you for the encouragement and dua. Ameen. May Allah rewards us women for all the oppressions and mistreatments.

            I believe you are still young, so don't lose hope in marrying again. InsyaAllah Allah will replace a better husband for you. No, no, don't start flirting - you'll attract another trash into your life again. Keep in the path of Islam and Allah will definitely hear your call.

            Kiss and hugs.

    • The husband needs to fear Allah as Allah could take his soul anytime! What will he then say to Allah?

  2. Assalamualaikum,

    I am sorry, but your husband seems to be justifying his flirting with non Mahram women. He is wrong to say that Allah will punish you. None has the right to over-step Allah's Authority.

    When a person commits a sin, it does not make him or her a dweller of Hell except if Allah Declares so, not your husband.

    Suspicion is wrong, but yours is not suspicion, it is a proof against his wrongdoing. Tell him and remind him that he is NOT supposed to talk such things about a non Mahram woman and his wife is his queen, who deserves all his love and good words.

    He maybe hiding his wrongs by saying you are the one who is wrong. Tell him that this is not suapicion and he is not allowed in Islam to talk to those girls in that manner. Ask him to fear Allah and do tawbah.

    P.S. I hope you are loving your new life as a Muslim. Learn Islam from the right sources and strengthen your faith. Refer to http://abdurrahman.org for authentic material.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Justified suspicion. It seems he is flirting with non mahram weomen-a grave. He is lying with you, u won't be punished for sure. He is using islam just to misguide u- another grave sin. Nice to hear that u've accepted islam. Use internet to learn about islam. Youtube has lot of videos about islam, u'll learn a lot. May Allah bless you.

  4. salam

    if your husband has married other wives, it should have been a clause of the marriage contract with you that he is allowed to do so, otherwise you have the right and grounds for divorce khula if he has married again. if he is doing zina then you have grounds for khula divorce, if he is just being a dog and doing haram you also have grounds for divorce - dont think there is only one man in the world - if he is a dog now he will probably always be and if you do nothing you are actually giving him permission to do haram. call the ladies - tell them he is your husband and ask who they are and why they are contacting your husband.

    • "if your husband has married other wives, it should have been a clause of the marriage contract with you that he is allowed to do so..."

      Just the opposite, actually. Islam allows the husband to marry more than one wife. Therefore if the wife expects him not to do so, it should be specified in the marriage contract.

      Aside from that, I agree with everything in your post.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Bism Allah wa-alhamdulillah,

    Dear sister, first sincere congrats for you on becoming a Muslim, and thanks to Allah Who saved your soul.
    I pray Allah to help you stay on the correct path, and save you from all misleading side paths.

    Regarding your question, if your husband is doing what you described there, then he's the one to be punished by Allah if he did not stop and repent it and make atonement. That's because Allah is a just God and does not punish the wronged, rather he punishes the wrong doers if they did not stop and make atonement for what they do. If you see stuff like that you described there, you should not remain silent, as what he's doing is not a small thing in his case, i mean being a married man. In Islamic Code (Sharia) a single person committing fornication is punished by lashing/whipping (100 times) + prevention from staying in the same town for one year. But the punishment for a married person committing the same sin is death, because a single person might have reasons to have sex without marriage but a married person does not. Tell him that he's the one who would be punished, and severely, if he does not stop and make atonement for his shameful deeds. May Allah help you with a husband like that, and don't forget to pray for him also, praying has the fastest results in resolving situations, especially marital ones.

    wassalamo alaikom

    • Assalamualaikum Mohammed176,

      Are you saying that a single man committing fornication is not wrong? And brother, every sin other than Shirk is something Allah May Forgive if He Wills, so we must not say he will be punished if hr does not repent. It is Allah's Discretion. Jazak Allahu Khair.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • You said because a single person might have reasons to have sex without marriage but a married person does not., I really hope its some sort of typo or you meant something else. Please explain

      • Come on, you guys know what he meant. Of course zinaa is haram for a single person and is a serious sin, but one can imagine how a single young man can be driven to such an act. For a married person, on the other hand, the act of adultery is not only a sin but is a tremendous betrayal of the spouse, and is one of the acts that breaks families. That's why adultery is condemned in every society, even those who do not have prohibitions against premarital sex.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. This man is taking you for a fool - he's claiming Allah will punish you, because he wants you to stop prying in his haram business and nagging him about him cheating on you; he basically wants to cheat in peace and quiet. What a douche.

    I can't believe the brother, "Mulla" (haha) Naseeruddin, who is trying to convince you that you have any fault or role in this man's unacceptable behaviour. There's absolutely NO excuse as to what your husband is doing - when a normal person feels like he's lacking something in his marriage, he tells his wife, he doesn't pretend like everything is great, then go behind his wife's back texting girls and calls them princesses and whatnot. I'm horrified that this brother dares calling himself "mulla". Instead of justifying this woman's husband's behaviour, you should assure this sister that her husband's cheating is his own decision entirely, there's no excuse to his cheating and this woman cannot be blamed for it at all.

    You should confront him about this matter, and when he throws it in your face that suspecting him of cheating is haram, tell him "no, it's your texts you write to other women that are haram!". Seriously, ask him why he's doing this and tell him that if he wants this marriage to remain, he'll have to change his number and stop contacting girls. Tell him he'll have to delete women off of his Facebook, or his entire Facebook account, and that he'll have to work at gaining your trust again.

  7. NO, absolutely not and your husband is a cheater! So do confront him!

    Sister in Islam, it does not take physical act to cheat it's gazing, flirting, thinking of "Princesses" and texting !

    Quit being naive for sake of Allah.
    Thanks

  8. assalamualaikum

    dear sister u know a year back i was in your place but in my case it was my fiancee , oneday i recived a message from one of online friend telling me my fiancee he was lying to me and he is chating with unknown girls online , u know they sent me full chat and his messages i cried and felt very bad but i had blind trust on him , and never questioned him , once i tried to ask him u know what he blamed everything on me saying i was creating fake ids and chating with him 🙁 and he said bad things to me , then i thought maybe someone is trying to seperated us and playing this game so i said him sorry and kept quiet , after few month again i caught him and this kept on hapening , and one day i got to know he was going araound with a girl from two months and kept me in darkness nd he lied to me and left to gulf and this is wtht is got form my blind trust on him , evn he blamed me for mistakes i nver did , if i try to question him he always played a game saying stupid stories and i agreed to him , BUT ALLAH IS EVERWATCHING alhumdulilah i came out of that relation nw and happy in my life nd i cried and brokdown but allah took care of me , and have trust on ALLAH ,dear sis all i suggests u is sit and talk to him and clear this ,and explain him what he is doing is Haraam and a person a true Muslim a god fearing person will never do such things and will not cheat his wife , you are not wrong dear sis a year back even i was thinking same as you .

    jazakallah

  9. Him textmessaging other women is non acceptable. This is absolutly not the way a muslim man should be behaving. It is cheating! You have every right to read his messages. (I read my husbands messages all the time, and I am open to him about it). In a relationship there should not be secrets. How would he feel if you are having romatic conversations with men. he is taking advances of your lack of knowledge of islam. Confront him and tell him this behaviour is not acceptable and he should stop it (your muslim sister)

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