I think my husband is cheating on me
cheating husband
I am a christian woman married to a muslim and we have a 10 mo. old baby. This is a second marriage for both of us.
I love my husband very much but I think he is cheating on me. One night, I had tried to call him 5 times from about 9pm and he did not answer, nor did he return my calls.
I woke up at 5:00 am and noticed he was not home so I called him again - this time he answered and said he was at the hospital (in another city some 150km away) as someone unknown to him punched him in the face for no apparent reason. He was out for a "drink", which I know he should not be doing as per the Islamic faith. As a woman, of course I thought to myself, why was he out having a drink (which he said was with a male friend from the coffee shop) and if someone punched him in the face, it is likely over a woman.
Since that time I have become very suspicious and look through his cell phone, check his pockets, etc. I found some women's numbers on his cell. I now delete them.
One evening when I took him to the police station to pick up a report, his phone rang. I heard a female voice say "hi" as if she knew him well. He said it was his ex-wife but I know his ex-wife's voice and firstly, she never greets him in a nice manner and secondly she has a thick accent, and this woman on the phone was definitely not her. He replied, "I am with the kids" and she said "oh you can't talk, okay, I'll talk to you later". I told him to let me see the last number and he said no. I said let me redial it and if it is your wife, then you will prove me wrong and I will look stupid. He said I was pushing it too far. I know something is going on.
I also saw a text from a woman that said "how is my dance partner doing?". When I questioned this, he claimed to have no idea who this woman was and got upset with me for looking through his phone. I believe he now deletes his calls before coming home.
All of this has of course caused us great stress. He denies that he is cheating on me. We stopped talking for a few days and then when I tried to get close with him in bed he asked me to not touch him. In the morning, I told him that he should start looking for a new place. Then a few days later, he did not come home.
As I had written down some tel nos from his cell, I called one that I had seen a long time before thinking perhaps this is something that has been going on for sometime. When the women answered (at 2:00 am), I asked for him by name. She said "who?" and when I repeated it, she said "oh my God". She told me that she had known him for 6 years but there was never any kind of a relationship between them. They are just friends and see each other occasionally for a coffee or dinner or at the singles dances. We talked about his black eye and she confirmed that it happened at the dance - HE WAS AT A SINGLES DANCE!
I acted as though it was not a shock. She even told me where it was. She also said that they went for dinner not too long ago as he was looking for a place because of the problems we were having. She told him to try hard to make it work because she is certain that I love him from what he has told her. She said that when he goes to the dances, yes, dances (plural)!!!, he really is just there to relax - she said you can tell he is not looking for anyone. Anyway, I was on the phone with her for 4 hours and I do believe everything she said. She seemed nice, but I don't like the fact that he has a secret female friend that he sees occasionally - I am certain he would not like it if I had a male friend and met with him.
I don't know what to do. He is very stubborn. I told him he needs to find his way to Allah again. I want to tell him, but haven't yet, that the scar on his face under his eye is there because Allah wants him to be reminded every day of what happened because of the sin he was committing.
Please, I am currently studying Islam and am working towards converting, but seeing my Muslim husband's disregard for his faith, has been giving me second thoughts - I always loved his passion for his faith and now I'm not sure that there is much faith there. I asked him to come and speak with the Imam, but he won't agree.
What should I do? Please help me save my marriage and live the next 50 years in absolute bliss with the love of my life.
- looking4advice
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Assalamu alaykum Sister,
Repent to Allah for any sins, known and unknown. Thank Him, Praise Him and Ask Him for Help.
We don't know if we live 50 years or 5, only Allah knows and we should ask for good in this life and good in the Hereafter.
Talk to him more, be more kind, show more trust, communicate with him, let there remain no need for him to talk to another woman, he can talk the same things with you, his lawful wife. Have a good time during intimate moments and try to be the woman he wants.
See if this works Insha Allah.
Your wanting him to turn back to Allah is right. For this, you may also need to turn to Allah. Continue studying Islam. If an imaam of a mosque does an anti Islamic thing, would the worshippers stop praying?
Rather they would remove the imam, bring in a new one and continue prayers with him.
Hence, your husband if shows deviation from Islam, does not mean there is a fault with Islam and so you should abandon islam, rather it is a fault within himself, which can be removed if he clings on to the principles of islam.
Only Islam can save a person from committing sins and doing wrong, Insha Allah. Submission to Allah is the best state of existence and we are blessed to have been allowed this life. So avoid trangression and come in to submission to Allah.
May Allah help you.
Trust him for now, love him as you would without any suspicion, be patient and leave the rest to Allah.
Try to pray some salaat at night together. Just start praying to Allah together, Insha Allah this will help. Also recite Qur'an with meanings with each other, this too Insha Allah would help.
If you are firm on Islam, who knows, he may see a mirror and be ashamed of himself looking at your goodness and obedience to Allah.
May Allah increase you in knowledge and guide you to the straight path.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Asalamoalaikum dear sister,
You are indeed in a difficult situation. May Allah swt bless you with the wisdom and strength to make the correct decision for yourself.
You are absolutely correct, your husband should not be intermingling with the opposite gender other than what is required (i.e.: work purposes, etc). This is un-acceptable in Islam, prior to and after marriage. He has you and there is no reason for him to go to dances to just “relax” and hang out. He can simply dance with you at home (yes, it may sound a bit funny but why not? You’re his wife so everything is halal within Islamic guidelines).
Your strong institution which led you to all these evidences regarding your husband’s collaboration with other females has probably brought you a lot of pain, but now it’s time to step up and tell him enough. You need to make it clear that you are no fool and love him dearly, but you cannot proceed with a one-sided relationship. Things need to change now.
Speak with him kindly and explain to him that if you were to do exactly what he is doing (regardless of not wanting to pursue and extra-marital affair) how would it make him feel? Ask him, are you allowed to do exactly what he is doing without him having any problems? It will make him ponder and think.
Explain to him that you are his wife, his first priority and that you are not feeling this way at all. It is not fair at all that he spends his leisure time in the company of other females: be it as just friends or acquaintances. Try to re-embark some spark in your intimate late: make things romantic. Sometimes, after marriage the passion begins to die down because the couple has so many responsibilities to take care of and often men began deviating off the right path and fall into some disastrous situation. You need to be gentle but firm enough to get through to him.
In the end however, you need to realize one thing: people only change if they want to. Although I pray that your husband realizes his sin and returns to the right path, he may not realize and if he doesn’t then you must ask yourself what are you willing to do?
Also, if you both agree, you may try couple’s counselling to see if there are any hidden issues that may be leading to such a situation. It won’t do you both any harm at least.
Apologies for not giving the best of advice, I am not married so I am advising to you based on my limited knowledge.
-Helping Sister
Typo: Try to re-embark some spark in your intimate relationship: make things romantic.
Typo: intiution
Sorry for the constant typos: I really need to learn how to edit my work!