Virginity, sex and marriage; do’s and don’t?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have few questions which I am looking answers to;
1- What if your wife does not wants to have sexual intercourse ever in married life even though she loves you immensely?
2- Is she depriving her husband of his rights? Is she doing something wrong? The husband wants to have sexual intercourse; both love each other immensely but wife does not allow husband to have sexual intercourse. That's why husband has to make a sacrifice of not having sexual intercourse because, he cannot afford losing his wife.
So, which one of them is wrong or right?
PART TWO
1- Can we ask our perspective/potential spouse whether they are virgin or not before marriage?
2- If we can, then what is the right Islamic way to ask?
3- If he/she lies and we find out after marriage that he/she lied then what should be done?
Maniac.
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Asalaam alaikum,
The first two questions beg a question in reply: why doesn't she want to ever have sex? This is a pretty extreme viewpoint and Islam is not a religion that encourages extreme avenues. Most people who share immense love wish to have intercourse as an further expression of their love, so what is exactly going on with her? Is it an emotional, physical or psychological problem?
On question two: Yes, the husband has the right to intercourse if the woman is not abiding due to un-Islamic reasons. If she would be harmed by sex, then another avenue is going to have to be sought, perhaps with the husband taking a second wife or divorcing the first and remarrying, if the no-sex life becomes an over burden.
Part 1:
1. Islamically, you can ask if the potential spouse is virgin before marriage.
2. The best course of action is to let it be known that you are seeking a virgin spouse only when making discrete inquires. Most people will respect this and a non-virgin would be more than likely to take the course of avoiding the proposal. Also, ensure that the potential spouse is chaste by inquiring of their character, knowing their family and asking if they have been married before.
3. This issue really needs to be dealt with before the marriage takes place and requires utmost maturity on both sides. Clauses can be made in the nikkah contract, as well. This also depends on whether the marriage has been consummated. If it has, an iddah must be observed, if the couple divorce on this basis. If it has not been consummated, then the couple may divorce without the bride observing an iddah period.
Please speak to an alim for further clarification if you need help in forming an appropriate nikkah contract for this purpose.
All the praise belongs to allah swt for giving you wisdom to ask question and oppurtunity for us to share the knowledge ameen
Assalam oalykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
Well pertaining to the 2 questions posed in the first part i would like to narrate hadeeth inline to that as i always stick to answers with hadeeth and Qur'an .You decide who is right or wrong?! I think his WIFE.
Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3254, Narrated Anas ibn Malik
Allah's Messenger said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes."
[AbuNu'aym transmitted it in al-Hilyah.]
Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi 3257, narrated Talq ibn Ali
Allah's Messenger said, "When a man calls his wife to satisfy his desire she must go to him even if she is occupied at the oven."
[Tirmidhi transmitted it.]
Secondly I would like to narrate a good piece of advice from the sermon book.This might serve a GOOD PIECE OF ADVICE FOR ALL inSHALLAHUTAALA
Jamharah Khutah al-‘Arab, 1/145
‘Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:
‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.
‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.
‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.
‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”
Of course sexual fulfillment in marriage is essential. In answer to your other questions:
1- Can we ask our perspective/potential spouse whether they are virgin or not before marriage?
This is a difficult one which you have to broach correctly and very carefully to avoid falling into sin.
"Women impure are for men impure and men impure are for women impure; and women of purity are for men of purity and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable"
Let us first distinguish between two people:
- A person that committed zina in the past, repented and changed their ways.
- A person that indulged in zina and didn't repent OR a person who is actively living a zaani (adulterous) lifestyle.
This verse refers to the second person (and Allah knows best) not the first because the person that commits a sin and has repented is free from that sin provided they stop the sin. So a person who committed zina some years back, and repented and changed is not considered impure.
“The one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin at all.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 4250; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.
Why it could be sinful, is because sins should be kept between ourselves and Allah (swt). We need to hide such sins and avoid disclosing them except where absolutely necessary.
Please click the link below for more info:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/
“All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)
At the same time we do need to ask the difficult questions to make sure we are marrying the right person and sometimes a person's past affects them. For instance if the person has had unprotected sex there may be a chance of STDs or maybe the person has children. I asked this question at a seminar I attended recently because it's a difficult issue. Getting the balance between finding out enough about a potential to make an informed decision without pressurising them to actually reveal their sin is difficult!
2- If we can, then what is the right Islamic way to ask?
If I were you, I'd make it clear that you are after a girl who is a virgin, and InshaAllah this will keep prospectives who are not virgins away. Make this clear right from the start though. One question for you to think about: Are you yourself a virgin? Don't answer - but do think about. We have choices and you have the right to choose one - but you shouldn't absolutely demand it if you yourself are not.
Definitely enquire about STDs and children and those issues which affect you. If a person does freely admit they've had a past - do not ask them to go into details. It is sufficient for a person to say: "I was not always practising but Alhumdulilah - Allah guided me." You can take this as you like and it's up to you how you feel about it. Most men assumes this means she's committed zina. Not necessarily - I know a few virgins who have given that answer themselves. So never assume.
You could ask: "Have you ever been tested for STIs." I cannot think of others this is a difficult issue but InshaAllah one of the editors/readers will help address this.
3- If he/she lies and we find out after marriage that he/she lied then what should be done?
If a person who has committed zina is asked this question outright (which they shouldnt be) then if they answer yes - they are revealing their sin. If they answer no they are lying. So either way it is a sin thats why it can be a problem. The person should give a general answer rather than a yes or no.
It depends on the situation. Divorce may be possible but remember although it's halal it is hated by Allah swt.,
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
And also be aware it can be offensive to some (past or no past) to be asked such a personal question.
Salam o alaikum,
@Sara: Can you please provide something from the Quran or an authentic hadith as proof of your following statement:
"Divorce may be possible but remember although it's halal it is hated by Allah swt"
Reason i ask is that i have searched and have not been able to find authentication of this - May Allah swt forgive my shortcomings.
and Allah swt knows best.
regards,
Saqib
You have to get to the issue of why your wife doesn't want to have intercourse. Was she sexually abused or molested in the past and now she is afraid to be touched? Is she afraid of getting pregnant? Is she secretly lesbian?
It's natural and normal for a married couple to feel physical desire and want to have intercourse. So if your wife is totally uninterested, then there's something wrong and you need to ascertain what's going on.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
hmmmm...thanks for all your advices...i m very well informed by this post...
for your question @ WAEL...' WHY DOESNT SHE WANTS TO HAve INTERCOURSE? '
THE REASON---the husband doesnt want a child but the wife wants to have a child and thats y the wife has disagreed to have intercourse until the husband agrees to have a child...
my view--.as giving birth to a child is not compulsory hence i think that the husband is right.....but i still need your views....
She WANTS to have a child, so she REFUSES intercourse? Why doesn't this picture make sense?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The only way this makes sense is if the husband is using a prophalactic, and the wife is withholding until he agrees not to.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Islamically, the wife determines whether she gets pregnant or not, if there is no condom being used, i.e. she cannot be forced or required to take birth control pills, use other contraceptives or be forced to abort the fetus.
However, withholding sex to do so is not a valid reason, Islamically. Thus, she cannot use this basis to reject her husband's need for sexual intercourse.
So the matter relies on whether a compromise can be worked out.
OK I UNDERSTAND IT NOW...THANKS PROFESSOR X...WAEL U DONT UNDERSTAND.....read it again..the husband does not wants a child but the wife wants one and thats y the wife does not allows his husband to touch her unless the husband agrees to have a child....
Can I ask this question can men have sex for own pleasure meaning if he has got kids dnt want eny mire.sounds d daft
Nadia, the answer is yes, a man can enjoy sexual relations with his wife even if there is no expectation of having children.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor