I had phone sex with him, broke it off, and now he’s back
"We met on a social networking site..."
assalam o alaikum,
i used to observed pardah when i was 14 from my choice.
My fall starts somewhat like this:
theres a boy who approached me through social networking website. he already knew details about me (like my home phone number and stuff) and i was scared that he would blackmail me. he then talked to me for sometimes on internet and then he proposed me by saying i cannot live without you and stuff. i was not able to say him NO thinking that this will break his heart..
he then urged me to talk to him on phone i was really scared with this and i had a feeling that i am doing wrong.. but this continues for a long time and then (i feel ashamed by saying it.. may ALLAH forgive me) he used to do phone sex with me .. at that age i swear i dint know that these things happens in making relations like these.. eventually, my pardah goes, my salah goes and i was at the lowest level of emaan!
i started loving him from deep inside i was too madly in love with him. he then urges me to meet him.. i was on the constant denial but then he somehow make me for it by constantly forcing me.. when i met him after 2.5 years of relation he touched my private parts .. he keep on saying this from very beginning that he will not marry someone else except me .. we met each other 3 times and he end up touching me.
He used to cry in fear if I ever leave him and i used to say i will not leave you ever.. i also used to say him that doing such things on phone is not correct but he never listens.. this realtions goes on for 4 years..
anyways..
a sudden change prevails me then.. i became fed up with the things we did .. i made a false reason that my mother caught me talking to you and ever since i never contacted him ..
i have lost my chastity now i was been cuel with my soul.. i have completely turned to ALLAH with purification of my soul and repentence .. i started doing pardah again and i am happy with my life..
now after 2 years he contacted me again , he was saying i ruined up his life , he had been waiting for me for past two years. he pleaded me to reunite and that he is dying for me. he was also thrown out of his home for several nights just beacause he dont want to marry anyone else and cannot forget me..
tell me what should i do?? its true that i love him dearly but i have become this much strong to eshcew anything for the sake of ALLAH. he is crying and saying me to show mercy on him..
what should i do?? i know that he loves me truly but then i cannot lose my connection i made in these 2 years with ALLAH! i know what hardships i have gone through to make myself pure in these 2 years..
please help me.. i have not share this story with any of the friend though i was dying too but the sins i did caused me not to share it..
he promised me that he will not marry anyone else and he had faced many hardships from his family but never blamed me for this because he loves me.. i also know the fact that my parents will never let me marry with him..
i also regret myself that i was living way too normal in these 2 years whereas he was going through such trials just for me even though there was no hope for him that i would ever talked to him again..
tell me what should i do when he is constantly pleading me and crying.. how should i say no??
i dont want anyone to enter my heart now except my ALLAH. i am 20 years now and completely understood the ulterior motive of these HARAAM relations.. but its too late now..
would i be at peace throughout my life when i have made him unpleasent with his life?? would i be held accountable if he ruined up his life and does not get marry to anyone else.. i really dont know what to do..
- sister h
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Sister H,
It is late and I cannot write a proper message.
My advice to you, don't listen to him. I understand you are scared of hurting him - thats your soft heart speaking - but you have to realise it is your strength and your weakness. Dont let sympathy move you on to letting him back into your life. It's a sin and you have changed Alhumdulilah - now Allah is testing you by bringing him back.
Also he has lasted 2 years without you. He is not going to spontaneously combust and die if he doesn't have you. Sorry I am going to be very blunt but personally I don't believe it. It might be true but sometimes guys lie about these things to 'catch' a girl, get her hooked etc. They exaggerate and make up stories. If he has been through trials - he should turn to Allah and evenconsider counselling. Don't give in - turn to Allah and keep yourself away from this guy
ASSALAMALAIKUM
YOUR CASE IF OF 10000000000000000% INFATUATION BUILT ON PHONE SEX,
1ST THING IS THAT U CANT HAVE LOBE WITHOUT NIKAH LOVE STARTS WITH NIKAH AND THE PURITY OF ISLAM.WHICH ALLAH HAS ORDAINED FOR US.
whereas he was going through such trials THIS ALL IS ;IES TO LURE YOU BACK TO THE FIRST STAGE/
IF YOU REALLY LOVE ISLAMIC WAY OF LIFE AND ALLAH DONT TURN TO THIS SATAN WHAT MERCY HE IS TALKING ABOUT HE IS THINKING WORKING AS AN AGENT OF SATAN HE CAN WIN YOU WITH U WITH NEW PLEADING AND REACH YOU THIS TIME HE WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU MAKE YOU GO MORE DEEP IN SINS AND FINALLY SPOIL YR LIFE.
HE IS THE MOST CUNNING PERSON DONT KNOW WITH HOW MANY GIRLS HE IS DOING THIS DRAMA.
DONT LOOK BACK-
PLEASE CLICK TO OPEN THE BOOK PURDA AND THE STATUS OF WOMAN IN ISLAM http://www.al-islamforall.org/Misc/purdah.pdf
It is not befitting for a believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Apostle, to have any option about their decision: if anyone disobeys Allah and His Apostle, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path. (Surah Al-Ahzab, 33:36)
If you think Hijab is an act of submission, you are right! It is a way to submit to God. Like any other act of worship, the rewards of Hijab come only when it is done for Allah alone.
From remote villages to cosmopolitan mega cities, women all across the world, from every ethnic background, wear Hijab. Do all of these women cling to old cultural practices? Hijab, the internal and external aspects, take understanding, training and determination. Since the purpose of Hijab is to please Allah,doing it for tradition is wrong.
Hijab is a 'challenge to the political system'
While Hijab may have political implications, as evident in the banning of Hijab in certain countries, Muslim women who choose to practice Hijab are not doing it to challenge the political system. Islam encourages men and women to observe modesty in private and public life. Hijab is an individual's act of faith and religious expression.
I am liberated from slavery to 'physical perfection'
Society makes women desire to become 'perfect objects'. The multitudes of alluring fashion magazines and cosmetic surgeries show women's enslavement to beauty. The entertainment industry pressures teens to believe that for clothes, less is better. When we wear Hijab, we vow to liberate ourselves from such desires and serve only God.
I don't let others judge me by my hair and curves!
In schools and professional environments, women are often judged by their looks or bodies-characteristics they neither chose nor created. Hijab forces society to judge women for their value as human beings, with intellect, principles, and feelings. A woman in Hijab sends a message, "Deal with my brain, not my body!"
I feel empowered and confident
In contrast to today's teenage culture, where anorexia and suicide are on the rise, as women attempt to reach an unattainable ideal of beauty, Hijab frees a woman from the pressure to 'fit in'. She does not have to worry about wearing the right kind of jeans or the right shade of eyeshadow. She can feel secure about her appearance because she cares to please only Allah.
I feel the bond of unity
Hijab identifies us as Muslims and encourages other Muslim sisters to greet us with the salutation of peace, "Assalamu Alaikum". Hijab draws others to us and immerses us in good company.
In some Arabic-speaking countries and Western countries, the word hijab primarily refers to women's head and body covering, but in Islamic scholarship, hijab is given the wider meaning of modesty, privacy, and morality. The word used in the Qur'an for a headscarf or veil is khimār.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appearthereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty..." (24:31)
"And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful." (al-Furqaan)
"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa)
Rasulullah (SAW) said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third." (Al-Tirmidhi)
Prophet (pbuh) said: "...The Zina of the eye is a glance, the Zina of the tongue is speaking, and the Zina of the mind is wishing and hoping; then the private part either acts upon this or it does not" (Bukhari, 11/26; Muslim, 2046)
"...but for the wrong-doers will be an evil place of (Final) Return!; Hell! they will burn therein, an evil bed (indeed, to lie on)!, Yea, such! - then shall they taste it,- a boiling fluid, and a fluid dark, murky, intensely cold!, And other Penalties of a similar kind, to match them!" (38:55-58)
Sister, you have to thank Allah the Great, that now you are very much aware of the sins you've committed and repented. You've realised what you did was terrible and disgusting and now you must become a good muslimah once again insha'Allah. DO NOT DISOBEY ALLAH ANYMORE. FEAR HIM AND HIS PUNISHMENTS.
Sister, whatever that man does, you will never ever be held accountable on the judgement day. His actions are purely his. He disobeys Allah and so he'll be going on a trip to hell. Whereas you have repented and Allah will reward you insha'Allah.
If he wish to remain single, then you are not responsible ( although I'm certain that he's a great deceiver ). Be happy that Allah didn't punish you instantly and instead Allah got you back on the straight path. Forget than man and be with Allah.
Remember sister, for the repentance to be accepted, you must not get back to the evils you've committed. Even talking to that man can make your repentance valueless. As it is a way leading to zina or its shares.
Your relationship with Allah is very good now as you've said, so do not let the shaytan destroy it once again. That man is quite clearly a lier, a deceiver. What ever he told you about his life is most probably a lie just to get his evil hands in your pants once again. You lied to him ( your mum caught you ) inorder to leave him didn't you ? What makes you think that he wouldn't lie to you inorder to get you back ? Remember, that man is the cause for you to come out of pardah, he caused you to abandon salah, he caused you to lose your dignity and honor, he and you disobeyed Allah big time. So my question is, Do you really wish to get back with this apparent devil ? Do you wish to spend the rest of your lives with a play boy ? Do you wish to live with a guy who doesn't respect you as a woman and took advantage of your ignorance at young age ?
The choice is yours.
If you do not wish, then STOP communicating with him. Change your contact number. Never be in a relationship again, pre-marital relationship are forbidden in Islam.
" Certainly the promise of Allah is true. Let not then this present life deceive you, nor let the Chief Deceiver ( Iblees ) deceive you about Allah." (35:5)
Be dutiful towards Allah. Do all obligatory duites commanded by Him. Fear him. Do lots and lots of tawbah. And Insha'Allah you will lead a peaceful happy life. Ameen.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister H.
I think Sara has given you the best answer. Allah is testing your Emaan by bringing him back. You should be strong and brave and say a BIG NO to him once and for all. Not doing so is one of the biggest mistakes some women do in such situations. Some men do not understand when you are like you need to let go but at the same time you feel sympathy for them. They will definitely take advantage of this sympathy of yours to control your heart, and make you end up doing what they want from you..
If this man is the first man in your life, then he is definitely (excuse me to say) the Big Human Shaytaan who has tried to ruin your life. But thank is due to Allah that you are guided. However won't you feel ashamed to allow this same person to be in your purified heart, and even say that you are still in love with him? What do you think you are showing Allah? Thankfulness to Him for His guidance! Or boasting about the past, and seeing a light in it! Please examine yourself very well and your Emaan in Allah. Try as much as you can to feel regretful about the mistake that happened between you and him, but at the same time be very happy and grateful to Allah for your new life.
The fact that he was able to live 2 years without you, I don't think he will ever have any problem not being with you for the rest of his life. You will just be hurting yourself thinking that he is being hurt by you. I sense that he is only lying to you, and I think he has a negative purpose in this. If he is really serious about marrying you, why can't he come through the right door approved by Islam? Why can't he approach your family? Oh you said, there is no way your family will allow him to marry you. Though, you did not mention why. But if so, why do you waste your time on him and hurting yourself?
Believe me if you do no end this thing now by saying NO and leaving him for good, it may affect your future marriage relationship. This is a door of Shytaan that you must be brave to close now before it even gets worse to the extent, where you cannot close it anymore.
As to your question regarding whether you will be accountable for this if he did not get married to any other women, just because of the past promise you made between you, No you will never be accountable for that at all, as that promise was made in a Haram relationship. You could have been (in same cases) be accountable for this, if he came in the right way and married you and then you made that promise to him and then broke his heart after that for no good reason.
May the Almighty Allah assist you Sister in fighting the temptations of Shaytaan!
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
Ma'Asalaam
"my salah goes and i was at the lowest level of emaan"
I understand this feeling completely. Sister, everyone makes mistakes like these when we are young and dont know how IMPORTANT and HAPPY we can be when we dont get involve in things like this, for Allah's sake. But Allah is SO filled with kindness and love for us that He shows us the right away again even though we committ sins that in our mind is so bad But for Allah nothing is TOO bad that He wont forgive if you repent sincerely, He is MOST merciful and MOST forgiving. You have done tawba and like you said have been pure for two years. Tell me do you REALLY want to go back into something knowing that Allah will be displease with you? Sister, there is NO happiness like the happiness that you can get from emaan and only emaan can give it. I am SURE you know what i am talking about. DO you REALLY want to give that up for a TEMPORARY happiness?????? it wont last, TRUST ME. The happiness you get from emaan is incomparable to ANY happiness in this world. You have it in your hands, dont give it up.
Who you are gonna marry has already been decided. You need not worry.
If you want to be sure, just pray istiqara and ask Allah. If you are meant for him, nothing is going to stop you from being together becuase Allah has already decided that and if you arent meant to be together nothing is gonna prevent it.
See what Allah says and move on from there. I am not saying it wont be tough at first but inshallah you will do it because, from what i can see from your post, your LOVE for ALLAH is stronger than ur love for him because 🙂 you have not given in to him as yet.
Sister protect your emaan at all cost, its VITAL.
Inshallah, Allah helps you through this 🙂 Ameen.
In the name of Allah, the Most-Merciful, the All-Compassionate
"May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be Upon You"
Praise be to Allaah, we seek His help and His forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allaah from the evil of our own souls and from our bad deeds. Whomsoever Allaah guides will never be led astray, and whomsoever Allaah leaves astray, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no god but Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.
Bismillah Walhamdulillah Was Salaatu Was Salaam 'ala Rasulillah
As-Salaam Alaikum Wa-Rahmatullahi Wa-Barakatuhu
Love and Correspondence Before Marriage
A person cannot be blamed for love that he does not cause, such as if he sees a girl by accident and his heart is filled with love for her, but he does not do anything haraam such as looking repeatedly or shaking hands or being alone with her, or exchanging emotional words with her.
As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.
All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?
He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the one who hears of the Dajjaal to keep away from him, and he said that a man may come to him as a believer but the Dajjaal will keep trying until he tempts him and confuses him.
There is a great deal of temptation and danger in correspondence between young men and women which means that it has to be avoided, even though the questioner says that there was no love or desire involved.
The woman is forbidden to speak softly to one who is not permissible for her, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”
[al-Ahzaab 33:32]
And it is haraam for a man to enjoy listening to the speech or voice of a non-mahram woman.
http://www.islam- qa.com/en/ ref/93450
Sister please leave this loser alone and find a man that won't ruin your life.
JZK
I will suggest you sister is tell your parents to find partner for you. You should get married as soon as your parents find. I am afraid that this guy will ruin your life more if you keep in touch with him. He used you very badly if he really loved you then he should have sent proposal to your parents by now. This guy is not serious about you. And as you mention that your parents won't accept then I see no reason to wait for this kind of person.
Dear sister,
As I know what u feel, Pass on this Test by Allah. I know you love him, then tell your parents if they are able to marry you with him. If not possible, forget him..Thats the best solution, it will hurt you now, but in future, you will be proud of it.
Go ahead and REJECT him.. No, you are not doing anything wrong. If possible convey him message by your friends that if he needs you, come and talk to your parents like a man, Islamic way and take you with honour.If this is last possibility, help him by ignoring him.He will value you more because you are not available. Then finally tell him "true love is sacrifice." If he loves you truly, he will want you to see you happy. You are happy with Allah. And guide him the same Allah's path and tell him you will be happy if he does that.
i agree with brother Ali Bin Abdullah he has given you very comprehensive answer it is test of you emaan and shaitaan is trying his best again to make you his follower please don't fall into his trap may Allah SWT be with you and guide you and protect you from sahitaan
touching private parts is harassment, tell the cops