Non-Indian Muslim girl in love with Indian Muslim man for 8 years but can’t get married
May Allah forgive us, we became involved in prohibited acts following that I became distressed and he suggested we have a secret marriage, so we did.
Dear Readers,
I'm in a very difficult situation right now, I am a Muslim girl, 24 years old. I'm in love with an Indian man who is also a Muslim, 31 years old. We have been talking since 2004 until present., love each other dearly. He told his parents about us a year ago and they were not happy about it but still we kept talking as it was just not at all easy to let go after all those years. His parents don't approve of me mainly because i am not an Indian, as far as i know. They have been telling him to find an Indian girl to which he has answered by saying that he wont look for anyone else, they can go ahead and find him one if they want it so badly. So they finally did, last night he told me that his marriage has been fixed for February.
I don' t know what to do or whom to speak to at this point. He wants to marry me too but don't want his parents to know about it as its against their society rules. Whatever that means. The fact that he had so confidently told his parents to go ahead and find someone for him was that because he had been in trouble with the police for some times therefore it has shattered his image a bit among the society. Their had been so many rejections in the past so he really never thought that his parents would find someone.
He says his mother is emotionally blackmailing him whenever he tries to talk about me. And that he has no choice except to go ahead with the marriage. He sounds unhappy but trying his best to please his parents and fulfill their wishes, sacrificing his own happiness. I've never met his parents in person.
I do understand how things are around his side, its extremely traditional and strictly follows the arrange marriage system. He has asked me to marry him but I wont be able to meet any of his family members as I will be a secret. And from my side i wont be able to tell anyone that he has another wife in India, he has met my family two months ago and they approve of him. I really don't know what I should do now. If it was easy to find a proper man to get married these days it would not have been this difficult at least, in my part of the world we mostly support love marriages. After going through this, I don't feel that I will be up for hunting for grooms anyway and might as well have to spend the rest of my life single!
Please, anyone, just ... tell me your views and advise me.
Thinking about a life without him itself makes me feel like my heart sank to my stomach.
Salaam,
Mariyam
6 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Assalam'alaykum,
It must be difficult for you right now to suffer a potential lost of love. It must be difficult to deal with a broken heart. It must also be difficult to imagine living with another man when your heart is attached to this man. Now indeed, it must also be difficult to concentrate on your prayers etc. All these difficulties WOULDN'T have happened if you have obeyed Allah, Instead, you have dis-obeyed him and breached His law. We are given divine rules which has to be followed, once we transgress it, we invite severe troubles like yours and more. Allah has already stored many tests for us, so why give yourself extra tests? I'm certain that you ARE aware of these and I hope that you've repented. Know that pre-marital relationships are forbidden and has to be stopped right away for repenting. NO LOVE BEfORE MARRIAGE. Humans do mistake, muslim humans repent.
Since you wanted to marry the man in question, did that man tried his best to convince his parents ? He infact did a mistake when he allowed his parents to search for him a girl as this implies that he is willing to marry an Indian girl and not you in his parents point of view. Now its late for him to go against his parents as the marriage has already been fixed. His parents would be deeply hurt if he does so. But since he wants to keep his parents happy and fulfill their wishes, I highly doubt he would cancel this marriage.
He can do two things right now,
1) Marry her and you,
2) Marry her or you.
If point 1, you have to accept the fact that you're going to be a second wife and thus not enjoy many freedom a couple may enjoy. Your rights, time etc are supressed due to his division of time between wives. Unless ofcourse he gives you more time and favor you over the other muslim sister, thus being unjust towards her resulting in sins and unnecessarily spoiling others lives.
If his indian girl became pregnant, then he'll have to be her for long. Insecurity is a big issue. But if you can bear it with patience then obviously you'll end up very happy.
If he don't want to marry the other girl, then let him stand up, be a man and deny that marriage
If he dont want to marry you, then go far away from him.
Have you considered the above ?
Regarding 'SECRET MARRIAGE' its a big NO NO. Don't do it. It really isn't worth it. Let me tell you, there are plenty of good muslim men out there who would be willing to marry a young girl like you. Your love for him WILL fade away with time and efforts.
Being a secret this might happen, obviously, being secret means you should never let any of his friends or relatives or family spot you both going out together, in other word, hide. Once they spot you guys, then big actions will start, hurt feelings from all around especially indian girl. His family and his indian girl and her family would jump over his throat by his illegal relationship with you ( keeping in mind, they didn't know you married ), thus forcing him to act. His options might be to either divorce her or you. Since she is a family's choice, it is a doubt that he'll divorce her. Because divorcing her might lead to him being abandoned by family. Being a divorcee is not a great feeling for you if happened. If he keeps both, then there's constant arguement with him by his famile etc, forcing him to become arrogant etc. Being secret, people might have suspicion over him ( 2 wives ), and will call you ' wife of a playboy ', because they don't know you're married with him. Being a secret, he should watch his step, front, back, left, right etc and you should secretly suffer playing along. Being a secret, he can avoid giving you your rights and you wont have anyone to complain etc as his family might is unaware. Being a secret, you'll feel insecure etc The list goes on. So therefore, instead of all these headaches, tensions, fears etc etc. Either marry him officialy with his and your parents all aware or do not marry him. Why make it difficult when Allah made it easy ?
Try having your parents call his parents and propose. There's a probability. Sister, you should stop communicating with him rightaway. Its his decision now, He'll have to decide whom to marry and then only you'll have to decide if you want to be a second wife or not. Think about it, what if death happens to approach you now and you havn't repented ? Terrible indeed.
You shouldn't have been with him in the first place, but then you should have left him when his parents didn't agree a year ago but instead you let the love grow for another year. This isn't a joke sister to play around with non mahram male. FEAR ALLAH. In the end, to Allah you'll return and then there is no refuge.
I believe, you should not marry him 'against' his parents wish.
For now try re-building your relationship with Allah. He will insha'Allah give you someone better. Ask him to have mercy on you, forgive you and guide you. Pray your regular prayers and have patience. Pray isthikhara so Allah may help you.
stay away from secrets...... it never has a good end. you will end more hurt and miserable than you are just now.
youhave options as pointed out by Ali.
Salaams Mariyam,
This guy is not to be trusted wake up sister you are being controlled and i believe you should forget him as hard it is me saying this to you but if you was the chosen one he would have married you, not making you wait 8 long years and more. Also stay away from being a dirty secret because that's what you are and the relationship, you deserve better, remember it has happen for a reason, the one Allah has shown you. May you move on inshAllah and you can move on without a guy and find yourself within Allah.
Salam sister
Firstly if his family has found him a girl,fixed a date don't think it's acceptable to be a secret regardless how much you love this guy! It must be really difficult for you, myself and many girls have been in this situation but you have to be strong and not make hasty decisions and one which you will regret
Instead ask your parents to speak to his parents as one of the sisters suggested and if it's a no from there side then try to close the door! Secrets,lies- how long can they go on for? And your parents surely don deserve this aswell, so try to think clearly, your heart is in a irrational place as you can only see him, instead do dua and whatever happens its down to Allah whether you have him or not.. Whatever the outcome believe me will be for the best
It is unislamic that his family prioritizes culture and race over religion. There is no segregation of race and culture in Islam. You want to marry a pious, intelligent, man that fears Allah. You want to marry a man that knows about Islam and will stand up for you and will be loyal to you, not one that hides in secrecy. Please say goodbyes and move on to someone that will appreciate you
Do what ali and others say.. Ask Allah for the strength..