Cheated on my fiancee, guilt is eating me up. What should I do?
In a Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a comparison is given of the believer and the unbeliever who commits a sin. For the believer, the sin towers over him like a tall building ready to collapse; whereas, for the unbeliever, the sin is like a fly that he slaps away but it keeps coming back. For the believer, the sin committed may not be a grave sin, but he ponders over the crime day and night, regretting it. For the unbeliever, it does not matter whether the sin committed was grave or not, because the sinner does not care of the consequences.
I engaged overseas and I ended up sleeping with a random girl purely sexual. I know its haram too have sex outside marriage but i have no clue what came over me...everytime i think about it i still cant believe the mind set i was in to do something like that its been 3 months now. I have guilt built inside me that i need to tell my fiancee but if i do i will lose her and i would honestly die if i lost her because i truly love her so much i know that when i came back i've been dealing with a lot of stress work family problems at home, i just dont know what to do and need advice please i have asked allah for forgiveness and repented i just cant get it out of my head and feel as if i have cheated on my wife i need advice from someone please as to what i should do, i dont ever plan on doing something like this again and i just want the guilt and pain to go away it is honestly ruining my life.
Muhammad1986.
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I feel you bro
first thing first you mesed up bing time you expect to marry this girl and then you cheat on her it not on bro.
secondly why are you not married earlier or is that another story.
thirdly I dont blame you entirley, the thing is we are told to get married at an early age however paretns make it so diffcult and then when they say yes they prolong it so much and then we end up suffering for it.
I dont know about the isalmic stance on this, however they say you shouldnt reveal your sins ?
that in mind if you dont the guilt is going to kill you belive me, and yor wife Inshallah may notice this. or if you keep it to yourself thing may go smooth and then you may wish to tell sometime into the marriage. she may be more forgiving then
second option is you sit your fiance down and explain to her what happened and explain to her that it was nothing emotional and express your regret hopefully this will show if you truly mean it. say to her that you dont want a marriage based on lies and that it wouldnt be right for her if you got married to her doing what you had done. explain to her it a moment of weakness.
then say say to her if she doesnt feel the same and doesnt want to get married that you understand but you havent changed your mind and that it would still be an hounour to get marreid to her.
that last bit a do or die, and it something you going to have to brace yourself for. inshallah she will forgive you but dont be suprised if she not entirley happy with you and rightfully so. god willing she will l;ook through your mistake.
long distance "relationship" (i dont promote that) are very difficult since she cant exactly come down with her parents. and then shaitan and nafs come into play, and as a guy it really diffcult to fights your nafs especially sexuall ones hence why were told to get marrried.
I really feel for your situation bro cant imagiine what your going through. like i said though there your option look at your fianace and decide wheather she would be forgiving. ask a imam scholar etc what your position is and ask allah for forgivness at the end of the day it is allah that makes thing happen and he more forgiving than your mother.
and i hope and pray inshallah your wife forgives you il do dua, if you decide to tell her and she does treat her better bro and if god forbid you get into that situation again just remember you wife and literally run from that situation dont think just run away from the women dont listen to you naf. it sound silly but it works, men cant think when there excited and make mistake even though they would never dream of doing such a think. we get overcome by our sense , i belive that there is a story about that
anyway bro let me know how it goes , may allah forgive me and you, sorry if i souned harsh ,
"why do we fall = order that we can rise"
the pecker 🙂
Salam brother,
I would advise you to not tell her of you sin, as much as it kills me and I would want to know if my fiance cheated on me and as a girl we want to know all things with all this said; for YOUR marriage and for your future life you must not tell her! This will eat her up inside and will hurt her so much becuase before its even started its over, if you have repented and made tawba then your sins are secrely between you and Allah swt no-one else even if the guilt is eating you inside. If you have repented it is in fact a sin to disclose that sin, you made a a big mistake yes, but do not make it worser if you have repented and feel you need to tell her 'to relieve your guilt'. This will eat her up and at every single argument/problem she will throw this back at you, human nature and its how females are. That is why Allah knows best and tells us to hide our sins! Humans can not forgive humans fully but only Allah can!
You're scared of losing her you mentioned, but if this marriage is meant to be nothing will come in the way, Allah's drecree is decreed. But I repeat keep your sins to yourself - islamic point of view and from females point of view. Do good deeds to make you feel better, do sincere tawba, focus on being the best husband you can be after this mistake, make it a lesson, do good deeds, you will feel better about this inshallah.
Allah with us all,
Sister R
Salam,
Totally agree with Sister R. There is a quote saying "Mistakes are supposed to guide us, not defines us". Do sincere Tawbah, repent and repent. Make sure you get married soon and be the best husband you can be. If it can make you feel better, this has happened before you married her so it is not as bad as if it has happened while you were married. Adultery is worse than fornication. Thus, take it as a lesson and the guilt is good, it proves that you are on the right Path. Don't ever tell her or she will lack confidence and will have a hard time trusting you in your marriage.
HERE here
the sister advice above is sound having asked my fianace she said sort of the same, but the above advise is also good and I have heard this before. I know you may want to tell and you think that would be right, but like the sister said above and if the statment is above is correct then dont tell her.
treat her well from now on she has been loyal to you so you be loyal to her make up for your mistake.
dont let shaitian dampen down the seriouness of the situation and repent.
god willing you should be okay.
ask a scholar or imam if not telling her applies to your situation or if anyone here can clarify with evidence) (and ignore what I said to you before about telling her if it a sin to disclose your sin)
let us know how it goes.
As a sister, it is difficult for me to advise.
I think it would be very difficult to forgive though and it will seriously hurt her if you tell her. It also is a major sin - make sincere tawbah.
I would say make tawbah sincerely for the sin and hide it. However, you have a duty not to harm your future spouse so make sure you get tested for infections before marriage regardless of whether you used protection or not.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think that if you really love your fiancee you would have not committed this disgusting sin there is no excuse for it, may Allah show you respect and give you the courage to get over this whether you tell her or not. Allah has given people the right to conceal their past sins but that still doesn't give people the right to commit the sins, if you have repented then that is between you and Allah. May you learn from this mistake.
Hi bro,
This has happened to a good friend of mine, her husband to be cheated on her, and never told her, they got married and many years later after having two kids with her husband she found out about his one night stand, they are now divorced, she told me, had he told me i could have forgiven him, but he never did and our whole life, our children, our marrage was all based on a lie, if you realy love her tell her, if the foundation's of your marriage have cracks then how can it ever prosper? If she loves you she will find it in her heart to forgive you, but that is her right not yours.
its not right First you cheat, then you hide it and get married to her, she has kept her self for you, expecting the same from you, lies always have a way of coming out, so one way or another there is a chance it may be small of her finding out. It's best to be honest.
Salam Twiggy and readers,
Yes it is sad that sometimes the truth of the past does come out as did with your friends story but I would still advise against this as sins should be kept secret, between Allah alone and that indviual simple as that, who are we to determine whats right or wrong when it is stated by the almighty for us not to do it, its really all about trusting in Allah's decree, yes our past can catch upw ith us but also it may not, what ever happens is what Allah is written for us but we need to put our trust in Allah swt as he knows whats best for us in this dunya and for the afterlife, this is why we need to trust in his decree and what he has in store for the future inshallah.
The story above on your friend saying to you, had she known before she could have forgiven him only Allah knows this may not have been the case, and there life was not based on a lie as we ALL have made mistakes, be it female or male yes we sin were human, some are at a larger scale than others but the morale of the story is we need to TRUST in Allah's decree, whether it bad or good tests or hardships Allah, the almighty, the creator of the heavens and the earth, the creator of us mere humans that are weak knows whats best for us! Of course the writer of the post knows he has done wrong and feels the guilt that a muslim should feel after commiting in sin but dear brother, do not disclose your sin if Allah has hid it you do not go and publicise it if your lord has disclosed it for you. It's hard and complicated I know, I hear all the post writers but my brothers and sisters we need to put our trust in Allah swt the creater of the worlds know more than we do! We hear and obey inshallah.
May Allah swt grant us all jannat firdous ya rab and keep us away from sin,
May Allah forgive us all,
Sister R
Salam Twiggy and readers,
Yes it is sad that sometimes the truth of the past does come out as did with your friends story but I would still advise against this as sins should be kept secret, between Allah alone and that individual simple as that, who are we to determine what’s right or wrong when it is stated by the almighty for us not to do it, its really all about trusting in Allah's decree, yes our past can catch up with us but also it may not, what ever happens is what Allah is written for us and that’s what we need to accept and just rely and trust in Allah swt as he knows whats best for us in this dunya and for the afterlife, this is why we need to trust in his decree and what he has in store for the future inshallah as there is always a bigger purpose or reasoning behind everything.
The story above on your friend saying to you, had she known before she could have forgiven him, but she may say that, but in fact could have been completely different only Allah knows and there life was not based on a lie as we ALL have made mistakes, be it female or male yes we sin were human, some are at a larger scale than others but the morale of the story is we need to TRUST in Allah's decree, whether it bad or good tests or hardships Allah, the almighty, the creator of the heavens and the earth, the creator of us mere humans that are weak knows whats best for us! Of course the writer of the post knows he has done wrong and feels the guilt that a Muslim should feel after committing in sin but dear brother, do not disclose your sin if Allah has hid it for you, do not disclose it. It's hard I know, I hear all the post writers but my brothers and sisters we need to put our trust in Allah swt the creator of the worlds and his divine decree. The brother Muhammad that wrote the post has not married the girl even yet, only Allah knows if this will in fact happen or not with the sin known or unknown, I understand eh waits to start on a clean slate but our clean slate as Muslims is by making repentance and NOT repeating the sin again. If he is meant for this lady it will happen and no-one and no matter will get in the way if Allah wills and if Allah does not will, nothing will make it happen! This is Allah swt, the Rahman, the Raheem. We hear and obey inshallah.
May Allah swt grant us all jannat firdous ya rab and keep us away from sin,
May Allah forgive us all,
Sister R
The thing is that we had to do what Islam says and Allah knows best , I suppose you could right a letter hide it in a envolpe so if your his wife does find out at least he got something for his defence. Hmm difficult situation. But I still stand by the fact that you shouldn't say if Allah say don't. The quote that guy gave was quite nice and like it says it doesn't define you and it was before marriage so maybe she might be understand if it does come out. And maybe that situation the other brother mentioned was only a one off
Honesty is the best policy no doubt about it, but in some situation Allah told us not to revel our sins. If you ask for Allah forgiveness and do tawba surely allah will cover that for you. If I want I can say maybe that man didn't ask Allah's forgiveness sincerely nor he did tawba that's why Allah didn't help him and he ruined his life. If you truly turn to allah and ask forgiveness till death no doubt that Allah will help you it will be between you and allah.
Assalam'alaykum,
You did horror but Good that you realised this and you are now feeling remorse. Infact it is one of the requirements for repentance. Thought guilt feelings is natural, it must not shape your future as it belongs in the past. All you can do is sincerely repent and seek Allah's forgiveness everyday. Pray your daily prayers and insha'Allah you'll be fine.
Regarding your engagement, though it is not allowed in Islam to publicize your sins unlike in the days of ignorance where evil people boasts of their sins and are proud of it. There are certain cases I believe where we should be truthful. First of all, you've already publicized your sin here, as obviously you need advise, thats one case. Other one is with regards to your marriage partner, I believe we must be honest and truthful. "Honesty is the best policy". For example, prior to your engagement, if the woman you're engaged to is aware that you're a good pure man and she went ahead with this engagement to marry you, then its wrong for you to not inform her the truth of your betrayel of trust by fornicating. Infact, if one does not sincerely repent after fornicating, then he/she is forbidden to marry the pure woman/man and vice versa according to Islam. Furthuremore, there is no place for deceit, lies, trickery etc in Islam. The Messenger of Allah says:
"Whoever deceives another Muslim not one of us.".( Saheeh Muslim )
Messenger of Allah said:“There are four characteristics, whoever has all of them is a true hypocrite, and whoever has one of them has one of the qualities of a hypocrite until he gives it up: when he is trusted, he betrays; when hespeaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he disputes, he resorts to slander.” ( Saheeh Al-Bukhari, Saheeh Muslim )
Prophet said: "Be honest because honesty leads to goodness, and goodness leads to Paradise. Beware of falsehood because it leads to immorality, and immorality leads to hell fire ".
Therefore, If she agreed to marry you knowing that you're a virgin or etc, then you've got to inform her of your loss. If she leaves you, then she's not meant to be yours.
If she has agreed to marry you unconditionally, then you may insha'Allah cover your sin, repent and never to it again.
If she asked you about your past sins, I believe you must not lie or deceive or cheat her. Because then your relationship will be based on lies which will cause more problems later on in most cases.
Ponder over these questions and you make a decision,
Is it better to live with the guilt and remorse of hiding from your fiance something that you know would change the way she feel about you? And live with the knowledge that your relationship is in some ways a "lie", and that you are being disrespectful to the person you love by lying to her?
Or is it better to tell your fiance a truth you know would hurt her and cause you both great pain?
The latter for the sake of living an honest life and respecting your fiance enough to give her the truth, and let her make her choices based on all of the realities of the relationship and the reality of what you are all about?
I believe, to insult someone's intelligence and to disrespect them, people lie. I'm the kind of man who believes in all out honesty. I always want to know the truth even thought if its bitter, hurtfull etc because when you know the truth and if its hurt, the pain will eventually reduce with time but a lie does much worse. The life you live because of the lie then seems like a whole lie when the truth is finally told and eventually the truth will come out and matters are made much much worse. It's only fair to be honest. Its not possible for a person to have a real, trusting relationship with someone who doesn't tell the truth? If the truth is a deal breaker, then it wasn't meant to be. I believe, it may cause pain and hurt once the truth is revealed but if that person loves you then they can forgive you and things witll be so much better. Infact you will feel better once you can breath freshly again after revealing your secret. It is indeed worst for you fiance to find out about this sin from somehwere.
If you've decided not to tell her, then do not even think of telling her after marriage even if the feeling of guilt is eating you up from inside to reveal it. Because after marriage, if you reveal it, you are only going to destroy her life. Either tell her now or never. But know that, there are many people who lived their married life with sorrows, distress, unhapiness, tensions etc due to having to keep a bad secret. Its worst indeed to live a relationship by living a lie.
Make your choice.
For now be a practising muslim, repent sincerely and obey Allah and His messenger. Pray salat al istikhara for guidance.
If Allah has concealed your sin you have no right to reveal it. If Allah wanted to reveal it, He will reveal it to her in the most random manner and you would be still in shock. Sometimes, transformation comes from a fall. Don't jeopardize your relationship with her. If you are sincere to her and have decided to be faithful to her in the future no matter what, there is no use. Make tawbah and get married to her and love her legally.
However, I just feel perplexed, you cheated on her means that you weren't sincere with her at the first place and you might be endangering her future (Who can guarantee that you won't do it again?) Does she deserve it? Don't do anything to your beloved that if that person did to you, you would be destroyed..
Think a 1000 times before doing or saying something to some one that you wouldn't want to be done or said to you yourself.
May Allah guide us all. In sha Allah.
Dnt tell her at any cost repent and vow of not repeating it again thats all.u dont have to tell to her as hazrath omar did not advice an old father to tell his son in law about the adultery her daughter commited before marriage and try to kill herself bit failed anyways repent nd forget allh is forgiving dnt ruin ur life by leaving ur fiancee