Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need a dua to decrease my love for my abusive husband

Disappearing love, vanishing love

I am married but my husband does not love me neither respect me, he abuses me both physically and verbally.

In return i have also sometime abused him verbally.

He does not take any of responsibilty and certainly can't stand me. I love him a lot but i know that he will never love me.

I don't know what to do. Is there any dua to decrease my love towards him? If i can stop loving him at least that way i can lower my pain. All i want to do is remove him from my heart because he has hurt me more than one can ever imagine.

- Nusrat

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24 Responses »

  1. Dear Nusrat, Asalaamualaykum,

    I do not understand exactly why you want a dua to remove your husband from your heart. Is this because you are thinking that if he is no longer in your heart, it will be easier for you to leave him? Or is it because you want it to become easier for you to stay with him if the pain is blotted out?

    I can see that whatever your husband is doing to you is really breaking your soul, your heart and stripping you of any self respect and confidence. This is an unhealthy way to live Sister and you don't have to continue like this. If your husband is physically and verbally abusing you, instead of asking Allah to take the pain away, ask Him(swt) to give you the strength to face the situation and deal with it. Dealing with the issue may either improve your relationship and the abuse could stop, or it may make no difference, in which case you may need to stop and ask yourself if its worth continuing in a marriage which is causing you so much pain.

    So how should you deal with it? You have not given us much detail, so we cannot be very specific, but you say that your husband does not respect you and cannot stand you. So the following questions come to mind: Has your husband always been like this? Was he ever kind to you and then suddenly changed? Was one of you or both of you forced into this marriage? Can you identify any possible reason that may be leading to his behaviour and apparent lack of good feelings towards you?

    Whatever the reasons maybe, PHYSICAL ABUSE in whatever shape or form is an absolute NO NO. Is it possible for you speak to your husband, have a one to one with him? Tell him that you love him very much but the way your relationship is falling apart is hurting you.

    If you feel this is not possible or you have tried to no avail, I would advise you as I would advise my own sister: Involve a trusted family member, its time they intervened. Ask them to speak on your behalf, if still there is no improvement, move to a safer place, with a family member of trusted female friend so you can clear your mind. If you have no family or friend to move in with, seek help from a women's refuge. Tell your husband that you are doing this because you need to clear your mind so that you can think about the direction that your life is headed in, because although you love him, you cannot continue living in this abusive relationship.

    - He may feed you lots of lines about wanting to change etc, but you really need to be strong at this point. An abusive person will not change to non-abusive overnight, they require professional help. You staying with them will just provide them with a punch bag to continue throwing punches at and to continue splurging their verbal diorreah all over (sorry for that description, but verbal abuse is as bad as physical abuse).

    - He may say: 'fine, go', in which case you also need to be strong. If he willing to say this, then he clearly does not care for you, either that or his ego is taking over.

    - If you fear, he may become violent and not let you leave, go without him knowing and contact him once you are safe.

    Either way, if you want to be strong enough to make a healthy decision about your life, you need to keep reminding yourself that you need space in order to clear your mind of all those negative thoughts and feelings your husband has filled you with. Once you are stronger, you can see how you feel about your husband and also if your husband has used this time to seek professional help to better himself.
    If he hasnt, maybe its time to ask yourself if its worth continuing the marriage.

    Sister, marriage is meant to provide you with a shelter, with peace and serenity and a base for building a beautiful and loving Islamic household. Please write here with more detail if you want us to give you some specific advice.

    ***Of course, if your husband is abusive towards you and you feel you cannot control the situation, call the police immediately. Your life and health is important.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  2. salaam alykum sis yes marriage is meant to be like how we think it to be this wonderful life with a loving partner but today for most of us woman it has just become a fantasy and the reality is brutal loveless marriage verbal sometimes physical abuse most men today just have no respect for us women they treat us like slaves like prostitutes like dogs and it hurts like a deep wound its a life most of us thought never and would never happen to us but hey wake up to realty it has happened and there is no way to delete it out of your history but u knw wat you still have time to make the right choices now choices u will be proud of later on in life ,you right he dont love you or atleast he doesnt know he loves you coz if he did u wouldnt be depressed abt your marriage. i dont know about dua for decreasing love hahaha but i do know u can start loving yourself more then you love him that way u will have less pain... avoid him do your duties but keep silent sleep in a different room become a better muslim think abt akhiraah make dua for akhiraa and ask forgivness and ask Allah to help u thats it ask o Allah help me and i promise u with patience ull c Allah will help u in time .i thank u nosrat for making your post so simple yet it explains alot to me i wish many women cud have done wat u did but no most are dramatic typing a whole book of their problems if u look at it you actually realise all they are doing is complaining but u havent complained once even though ur life is so messed up and that just amazes me .... why you wana stop loving him? dont! that is shaytaan bliv me.... love your husband infact flirt with him daily hahaha love him alot do for him alot cook dlicious food dress up sexy for him keep his house clean and most importantly smile alot b happy but dont talk hahaha plsssss dont just wen necessary...u love your husband for a reason there must b some good in him that made u love him so dont say u wana decrease ur love for him say u dont wana love his bad actions ..... if he doesnt love you so wat? aslong as he is there with u alhmdlh... just imagine your life without him? imagine being alone? so appreciate the little u have of him he is halaal for u so go grab him and kiss him hahaha he is your husband after all and who knws wat the future holds.... just do your part inshlh later things will turn out differently...but if u get all evil and abusive like him things will get worse ....

    • Haniyyya,

      I am trying to understand your way of thinking, but am failing to do so.

      Why should it not matter if a husband does not love his wife? And how do you expect a woman to flirt with, grab and kiss her husband when she feels no love, no respect and no affection from him; not just that but he physically and verbally abuses her?

      If you were being physically and verbally abused by your husband, would you start madly hugging and kissing him?

      Your comments above sound very immature.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

      • my husband wouldnt physically or verbally abuse me unless i give him reason too and if he said you stupid and i say well f...u...ck you he would slap me then i would say well f..u..ck you then he would slap me again then id say go to hell you pig then he would probly strungle me...later ill realise why he physically abuses me if i had just kept quiet when he said im stupid and made dua to Allah non of the above wud have to happen that was just an example.... well i wont debate anymore till sister nouraat replies since its her post....

        • and yes i would forgive him and go kiss and hug him cause i wana change and make things better between us not worse

          • Haniyyya,

            So you are saying that every time a man becomes abusive, its because the wife has done something to cause it. You have a very black and white view of life and its extremely unrealistic.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

          • I couldn’t agree more with sister z comments it is not the women that are the problem it is the men. Women need to stop feeling sorry for themselves and letting men like these control them don’t we deserve respect and dignity and why should it always be the women running back to make amends let the husband figure it out as well when he is the one who done wrong in the first place.

            Sister Haniyya why would you want to change for your husband when really that wont make you happy and changing yourself for others don’t always work as your pleasing others as you go long. I didn’t get your reply either I found it very immature seems you have a lot to learn about marriage or maybe you don’t understand the difference between physical and abusive marriage no one and I mean no one deserves to hit another especially a woman and it must be very difficult for sister Nusrat.

            Salaams Sister Nusrat the best advice I can give to you is if your husband is being physical with you and abusive then the only thing you should do is walk away take 5 minutes fresh air cool off, if he gets physical call the police your health matters too so do your children if there are kids involved. It is very difficult especially if you love that person too knowing what they are doing to you is so unfair and just wrong. I really pray you get through this difficult time w/salaams.

    • Haniyyya

      What’s so funny I don’t see myself laughing in fact I feel sorry for this sister who's going to read your reply posted. You are actually staying it is her fault I cant believe another woman replies and states to sister in concern its you who caused the problem. A person who will read her reply will know who’s really serious of the effects of the marriage wont be laughing at the end of it except feeling her pain and frustration of why men do this to women and to our sisters who are still suffering the hands of these vile men.

  3. Sister Haniyyaa

    Salaam sister. I dont understand whats funny? I also agree that many written posts/comments are long but its not nice to say they're complaining or being dramatic. Some of these people are really in need and have nowhere else to turn. So we should try to be more compassionate about their situations, even if it is exasperating - its not our job to judge.

    Sister Nusrat

    Assalaamu alaikum dear sister Nusrat. I disagree with sister haniyya - I think you need to take some steps towards leaving. Make arrangements quietly and leave. Please dont think your not strong enough, my dear sister - you deserve much better. There is also a stereotype that I have heard on here a lot that divorce is haraam. Its NOT. In this situation its 100% halal so please take of yourself, and let us know how you are InshaAllah.

    I pray that Allah swt helps you, and gives you strength.
    Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • nothing is funny but there is nothing wrong with trying to cheer and give hope to another if she wanted a divorce she would divorce or post about divorce and that is not the case.... marriage is no joke if you get married its hard to get divorce mentally

  4. o well sister z u wouldnt understand anyway.... marriage comes from both sides.... he has a reason why he treats his wife the way he does.... no its not correct but it cud be mended i would encourage everyone women first to show unforgettaful affection and to mend the atmosphere in the house she loves her husband why not cant she show him how much? if they both remain stubborn do you think things will get better? if both of them think the same way.... it might be that he loves her but think she dont love him and as stated above she said she returns verbal abuse it myt be that, that causes him to use physical abuse coz no man likes a women verbally abusing him.... and yes physical abuse is not the only option but no human is perfect we all got a histry and have mistakes is there anybody right now next to him who could cheer him up and make him c wat he does is wrong his wife is the best option i have seen this situation before and alhmdlh with my advice the girl followed her marriage today is far better then what it was.... if things dont change sister nourat and if your hubby abuses you i mean that there is bruises on u then u have the right to divorce him and leave the place wer ur at and find something better out there inshlh all wil go well sis ....

  5. salam sister,i just wanted to say that one of the sisters posted a comment about loving your husband.well it can be possible for a wife to love her husband and recieve no love back.if he treats her bad .how can she be all lovey dovey with him.you dont want to be in marriage where you dont recieve no love ,no compassione,always felling sad.thats not wgat marriage is about and by the look of it ,its seems like this guy is a selfish man,all i can sister is move on and dua for loving your husband lesser,well i use to pray for the same think,you think of not leaving without this person.As time goes by the lessens itself ,

  6. Watch "heaven on earth" Directed by Deepa Mehta, no comments or words are needed.

    • Sister Aisha, this is the third person you've told to watch "Heaven and Earth." It's not terribly helpful. If you have some advice to offer then please do so.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. salam sister,
    i was once in th same situation as u. i was scared to get divorced thinking that i would be alone for the rest of my life . during th marriage i had no self esteem, no confidence .my ex wud always tell me i am ugly , a good for nothing..
    with the support of my parents i got divorced from him and alhamdulillah im happily married now to a wonderful man who tells me im the best thing that happend to him..

  8. Assalamu alaikum sister, may Allah help you my suggestion to you is just pray for Allah to change your husband anger into true and honest love,after all Allah can do any thing just any thing, But you should have trust and hope from almighty

    Thanks & regards
    Your brother

  9. Hi I am not a sister but I do like your website. I too have aproblem with a man who treats me badly. For 38 years he has been unfaithful. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. he compares me to almost all others and of course I don't measure up. Only in the past 2 years have I begun to see that he plays games with my mind. He complained that my breasts were too big but told me I was better than nothing. I fell from the top of a haystack while trying to help him haul hay. My arm was out of the socket and ligaments and nerves were ripped out. he made me wait until hay was loaded and tied down before leaving and then came to the door of the auto and told me because I had been bad I would just have to wait longer. When we finally left he tormented me and told me he didn't know where we were that we were lost in the middle of nowhere. I was traumatised. Today he denies that the incident ever happened. But there were warning signs before this happened. Many things have happened since then. But I have finally left him behind. He did not love or respect me. He tells everyone we know including my family, that I lost my mind due to the accident. My children may even believe this. They stay away. I am still trying to recover from years of being abused. I have prayed for healing. I truely loved him. It took much to move on and I'm still in the process. I can tell you that it doesn't matter how much of a good wife you may be- the husband may have mental problems. I may have a bit of mental issues to deal with because it feels as though I have been through a war. I used to think if I worked harder , if I lost more weight, if only, but nothing was good for very long. I'm divorcing now. I know what you mean about loving your husband. I loved mine deeply. But after the accident it was a wake up call or a jerk back to reality. Steve didn't know if I was bleeding internally. He knew that was possible. he would not have treated me that way had he loved me. A man who abuses even verbally has no love or respect for the one he inflicts this on. An old saying "faults are thick where love is thin". Today I am doing the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I left thought it through and have now filed for a divorce. Yes it takes strenght to walk away. I hope this can help Thank you

    • You may not be our Muslim sister, but you are our sister in humanity, Linda. Thank you for writing for the other women here and sharing a piece of your life. Surely it will help someone and the reward of that is from The Almighty.

      God be with you.

  10. hiei am 26 years old and married with 2 kids.i need some advice regarding my parents...

    (Remainder of comment deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thanks very much. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  11. i love my husband but my mother in law and his family want to separate us. unfortunately my husband also support them. i have 3 years old baby plz advice me what should i do.i want quranic dua for save my home. i m not intersested to breakup, infact my husband not loveing

  12. I too have endured a 20 year abusive marriage. The verbal and mental abuse has gotten too difficult to bear. I am now in my fifties (he is in early 60's but his strength to abuse has just gotten stronger over the years). He is extremely spiteful and malicious and takes delight in turning my own words against me. He does all this in front of kids. I want to divorce, but at my age where would I live? Do not suggest family (for certain reasons). Also he is extremely controlling and stingy. Please advise SOON>

    • Lubna, my suggestion is that you get a job so that you can provide for yourself after divorce. If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • If your kids are mature enough should help you ..i mean take your side .

      I agree having job might help you to some extent .

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