Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Finding my way back



I have been looking for a forum which i can relay questions anonymously and hopefully find answers.. Alhamdulillah I may have found it here..

My post is lengthy and I hope someone could give me a helping hand. My problem could be unique and may not have been experienced by anyone else. Wallah'hualam.

I'm a 35yr old Muslim male living in a modern multicultural and multi religious country. I have never thought about religion my whole life and somehow I ran away from religious studies when I was a young boy. Alhamdullilah, I found my way back to God recently following a string of setbacks this past year. Since young, I have always been a very quiet, very shy and very sensitive person.. So much so that I have no idea how to make friends or acquaintances at all. My life went downhill when I turn 17, when I just cant help it that I am thrown into the realities of life when I go on to further my studies at a tertiary institution and I find that I cant make friends with people. People tend not to hang around me too long and I notice that they usually will attempt to leave me as quickly as the possibility arises. Probably becos they find me awkward or boring with nothing to say..i find myself alone most of the time. When people / peers gather together most of the time, I to try to join in but eventually fade out of the circle. There were ever times that I just bought food and ate in the school toilet just so that I wont be seen eating alone during breaks. That was 17 years ago.. For the next 18 years, people drift in and out of my life in school or work and i couldnt forge any long lasting friendship. people have always said that I'm too quiet and need to speak up.. But im just programmed this way and I really have a problem trying to talk, making conversation or trying to forge bonds or relationships like everyone else. i have trouble trying to express my thoughts or join in conversations without being laughed at or taken seriously. I cant even pronounce words properly. Probably I was a loser geek back then. Even during family gatherings, i tend to hide myself in my own room, as I dont know how to carry about myself in social situations.. I dont have any social life at all since I was a teen and i only have 3-4 close friends whom I am able to communicate with at ease.. But as years pass by, they have gotten married and we dont communicate as much now.. I dont know how I survive these past 18 years in loneliness, only Allah knows.. In my heart, i have always wanted to live a happy life like everyone else, with family and friends, go places, have some experience in life, have people who can talk to me and understand me, etc... But it has never happened.. Ill could only just sit and look at life past by and look at the good life enjoyed by others. And all those are just fantasies for me. I reached the point of just accepting that this is the life I am destined for and will be probably till the day I die. I have ever thought of why I exist in this state. I have a stable job and earn a good income and though it is a job i dont really enjoy, it is the only thing that occupy my time. I dont have much ambition in life. And I never quite achieve much success in life. i only have few friends or acquaintances at work only and they have ever questioned what i do during my free time which got me embarassed badly.. My private lonely life which I covered up. I got easily influenced by friends at work and got into vices, i only have myself to blame.. In 2012 i got to know a pretty nice girl who is more than 10yrs younger than me.. She lived in a neighbouring country. It was lust at first but love blossomed and it was the best thing that has happened to me.. We tried to manage a long distance relationship and we have trust in each other.. She really loved me dearly especially after both her parents passed away. She was the only person whom i really could connect with and whom understand and accept me as who I am. I tried to visit her as much as possible and even knew her family. I could be myself and it was all right with her. They were not well off amd she was always concerned about her social status that I might leave her. On the contrary, I was grateful, that I finally found someone whom I could love and love me. After 2 years, things fell apart.. Due to financial difficulties, she could not communicate as much and I was easily frustated by that. She has always hinted at marriage, though I wanted that, i was not ready and was concerned that my local people may have a negative perception of her social status in life. I wanted to prepare for the possibilty of her migrating over upon marriage. hence, I took a lot of effort to prepare for it. Only God knows what I have done to achieve that. Although I am a very loving person, I am also a person who has little patience and easily vent my anger at little things. She had been very patient with me and I, with very little experience in relationships, took her patience for granted. At the end of a dispute, she send a text message which I replied daftly without thinking of the consequences. The next few months, she said that she was going somewhere to further her studies in Islamic knowledge. And next thing I knew, i have lost all contact with her and her family. Due to that, a lot of questions sprung on my mind, My heart pining for her, hoping she will contact me again... It took me more than a year to pluck the courage and look for her.. I finally managed to find her family who said that she is studying at an Islamic boarding school 8hrs away.. Her family arranged for her to return for a day and meet me. I had intend to tell her that I wished to marry her. We met again after more than a year. She was different.. And she had apparently found solace and peace in religion. And does not want to continue her relation with me anymore. She said that when I returned, she tried and couldn't feel the love she had before and just wanted me to be like her older brother. It broke my heart then.. She revealed that she was broken hearted by my attitude towards her then.. due to her family advice she had decided to further her islamic studies, and made up her mind to end the relationship.. It took her a lot of effort and pain to forget me but she did it.. She will only end her studies early 2017 and does not want me to wait for her. I have never forgotten about her all the while.. Its been two months now.. It doesn't hurt that much but I still hope that she may return back to me.

For the past year, i have suffered setback after setback. I have lost a lot money, i may have lost two close friends who are no longer on talking terms with me. I had entrusted them with property worth $9000/- for safe keeping and found out that two days after that, they had given away 900 pcs of shirts which i had purchased in bulk for sale, probably due to miscommunication or what ever reason. Only God knows. I have invested $30,000 in another friend's firm, someone who is trustworthy and helped me a lot at work and now it seems that he had cheated me.. I have helped a few people i knew when they were in need of finance, lent them a few thousand dollars and now it seems that they won't be repaying me. And now I may have lost the only person whom I love and loved me..

Somehow, I have since turned back to Allah, trying my level best to be a good Muslim. At my age, I have very little knowledge in religion and i have not reached any stepping stone in life like most others. Im grateful that I still have a stable job. I have since repented and I regard these setbacks as kifarah for my past sins.. Although, i am still fearful of the consequences in the Hereafter.

I want to turn my life around and I believe that Allah guide me. I want to get married hopefully to the girl that I have loved but that is just false dreams i play up in my mind now. Each time i pray the daily prayers, i made du'a that I will get married and settle down.. I believe that Allah will answer my du'a. But deep down my heart, i have no answer how I can turn my life around. I'm still the lonely man with no friends surrounding me.. After work, ill return home, do my prayers and try to learn as much about Islam through books and Internet.. I tried to forge relations with other people, but nothing is working.. During my days off work, ill just stay home and try to learn as much, attempt to read and understand the Quran. And nothing else.. I have nowhere else to go to unless its for some personal matters.. And i will still be on my own. My mother said that eventually things will work out fine and there will be sweetness with Allah's help.. Although I didnt really confide in her, i know she understands my problems and feelings. I dont have much interaction with people outside of work.. i dont have any support group whom I can join in due to my inabilities, being a shy, quiet person that ai am. Im pretty much on my own living in a little world hampered by my inabilities.. I now believe in Allah's help although I really have no idea how I could save myself from this loneliness and I doubt if anyone else have this problem apart from me..

I really want to marry and settle down, but deep down im not sure if anyone is willing to accept me and if i could be the source of happiness for that someone. For I have been an outcast from society for a very very long time.. I don't know if this loneliness and sadness for years is a test from God.. But if it is, I am grateful for it.


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3 Responses »

  1. Have you tried going to the masjid?

  2. Salam brother I just read your story, I know exactly how you feel, I was the same once, I too search for someone. To grow in the deen with. And im 34. I know its hard, but remember that with every hardship comes 2 eases.

    Ill pray for you, dont be sad, take the 5 salah daily wallahi it will help. Read Quran, talk to an Imam. Allah has given you a big test. I have faith in you brither as does your mom, heed hr advice.
    Go to the mosque or your room to pray daily it will definitely calm you dwn inside and give you more inneer peace than you can imagine.

    Contact me should you need to talk. In gmail.

  3. Salam.Wow for a moment i thought this was a girl talking .My bro. what im going to say is for your very good.You can take it or leave but follow what your heart says only if its made right.The solution for you is take some time off from work sacrifice your health and wealth and spend 40 days in tabligh jamaat.There you will learn and understand your purpose of life and feel the peace and tranquility and create concern for the humanbeing.You will also become wise and understand the perfect system of Allah.Those who help Allahs deen Allah will help you.So go to the masjid and sit with the local jamaat and learn.This is only to correct yourself and develope awareness!!!Now for loneliness thats normal.People who are good hearted and generous are gifted with a great qaulity.Allah is protecting you from the evil that is all round us.The prophet said live in this world like a stranger!SubbanAllah Looks like your a natural but foundation is weak...A muslim is very concious of his surroundings and his always remembering Allah at all times especially salah times.You see the minute your distracted by a whisper.shaitan now reminds you of all negativity bringing you low.He gives dawat 24hr aday .Thats his purpose....Reading quran and getting involved with people at mosque and sitting at lectures.This is were you belong.Dont think too much its a sickness instead stick to reading of the quran .It will elevate you give you peace and tranquility.and so many benefits and virtues.......Wife will come be patient.Ask Allah for a pious wifeThis will help you on your journey to make it easy.So go spend 40 days in the path of Allah.You will not regret it

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