Husband threatens to divorce me all the time
salam i am 23 years old and i got married 5 months ago. We don't live together yet i currently live with my parents and he promised he would work on getting us a place within six months. we fought a little before we got married, he was rude and said mean things to me sometimes. I tried to brake up with him few times but he managed to get me back. Now that we are married he fights with me every other week and calls me bad names.
He threatens to divorce me all the time and says he wishes he never married me and that i am no good. I cry everyday and stress over this. I am afraid to let my family know about what is going on because they didn't want me to marry him from the start. My whole family warned me against marrying him but i loved him very much and married him against the wishes of my family.
I feel very depressed and i have no one to talk about my unfortunate circumstances. Please help me what should i do. i tried everything to be a good wife i don't talk back to him i tried to talk to him nicely when he is calling me bad names.
-Amina
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Assalamualaikum,
Sister, I hope you have realized the mistake of disobeying your parents. They probably knew that this would happen.
If you did not go well together before marriage, why did you choose to marry him?
The issue here is, when you were not married and you fought, he knew that you wouldn't return, hence, he had to convince you. Now, he knows you'll not leave, because you are tied to him.
The only solution I see is to involve your parents in this, so that they discuss it with him and have him arrange a home for you to live in with himself. With this, you can give your relationship a chance, to see if it gets fine. Only when you live together can you think of ways to fix this, I believe.
And Allah Knows Best
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
Asalaam alaikum,
I concur with the advice above. You need an objective and caring person(s) to help you see through this trial, as your husband's verbal abuse is causing you much hurt and clouding your decision. You should consult your wali in this matter, as he should be the first person to ask for help. If you are embarrassed to approach your family, perhaps a friend or an alim can provide counsel.
What is sure, however, is that his verbal abuse must stop. He must value you as his partner on the path to Allah (swt). Spouses are a gift from the Almighty that we cannot mistreat without being accountable in this world and the next.
"I tried to brake up with him few times but he managed to get me back."
STOP being so weak. LEAVE if he hurts you. How can he MANAGE to get you back? Are you so weak, so suppressed? You should've NEVER married him in the first place. This was bound to happen, wasn't it? He showed you from the very first day what a complete git he was. And yet, you flung yourself into his "wonderful, loving arms."
I think you two should take time off each other. I mean, spouses argue all the time. But, take some time out. Stay apart for a month or two. Let him have a taste of life without you. Insha ALLAH, he'll turn a new leaf. But, let's hope for the best.
Also, LET your parents in. NOW. Their help and support is ALL that you NEED.
Mah, if you expect to continue posting on this website then stop the sarcasm and the bad language. You have posted three comments so far, all of them attacking and criticizing the poster in some way. That's not what we need here. These people are confused, hurt, depressed, and guilty. They need guidance and support to do the right thing. This woman is already verbally abused by her husband. Do you think that adding your own verbal abuse to the mix is going to help? SubhanAllah.
Is your life so superior? Have you never made any mistakes? Have you never made the wrong choices?
I've placed you on moderated status, in any case.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Stop being so hard on this woman. Show some compassion. No one knows but Allah what her whole life story is and why she made these decisions. Some men are very manipulative Stop being so judgemental as only Allah can judge someone.
I would say talk to your family and pray for wisdom. You deserve so much more. There are people who will treat you kind. You do not deserve this abuse from your husband. I know it can be dificult to get away from a person who treats you badly. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and try to move on as you will find a husband who can truly love you.
Take care,
Hadrat Abu Darda, may Allah be pleased with him, relates that the Holy Prophet Muhammad, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said, “Nothing is heavier in the scales of a believer on the Day of Judgement than his good behaviour. Allah detests a person who is obscene and shameless”. (Tirmidhi)
http://www.iqra.net/muslimstudents1/essayjuniors11
Amina,
I do believe it is important to involve your family here so they know what is going on. God willing they will step in to help in any way that they can. You do not deserve the ill treatment that your husband is giving you. Verbal abuse is akin to physical abuse. The only difference is, the hurt is on the inside where no one can see it. Don't stay silent and endure the abuse alone, you need to involve your family members.
Salam
I agree mah please stop giving people advice your hurting them more then helping them, is like your screaming or something, Anyways, I think you should talk to your parents about this so they can understand how you feel, because if he keep on hurting you like this then is not worth it. Good luck insallah Allah will be with you always.
Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Moderate status indeed. Thank Allah i now have a partner.. But does that mean you dont regulate others comment who are not on moderate status?? I really have this in mind bro wael., i really wanna know why you placed me on moderate status? you know, humbly, let me know the 'wrongs' i have been posting here that worth moderating so that i could learn from my mistakes ... Not least so that i could try to adjust myself/comments both in this forum and the others i visit... Because deep in me, i feel am not posting anything wrong, and i feel am trying to reach out to people to help them, for the sake of no one, but Allah only... Can you kindly respond to this?
Mohd, it's been a while since I placed you on moderated status and I don't remember the reason. I have now removed you from moderated status. We'll see how it goes, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you all for your responses. I decided it was time to let my family know about what was happening to me and they didn't judge me they offer to help me in anyway that they could. I feel things will work out for the best Inshallah.
Amina,
Glad to hear you involved your family. Inshallah together with family support, you all can work together for a good outcome. Best of luck to you.
Salam
Salam Amina,
I have been reading your question and response from other people since june. Actually I am also going through same situation. The only difference was i was married and lived with him for 5 months and faced verbal abuse all the time. He tried to do physical abuse on me but thank Allah who saved me. I kept quiet for the first 2 months of my married life, but when the water was going above my head and he started pointing out at my character and accused me for thing which i have never done in my life, then, I had to involve my parents. They tried to talk to him and his parents. When he got to know that I have told everybody, he was really mad on me but at the sametime, he kind of improved! but he still used to do verbal abuse on and off.......He always used to have mood swings, and to be very honest, I didnt see any day of happiness in my married life......becz he knew whome to use and whome to abuse!.....I will tell you more and more....but for now I would like to know what did your parents do and how did you and your parents proceed after you told your prob to your parents.
Thanks
Ayesha sorry i haven't had a chance to reply to Ur comment sister. But the situation with my husband got worse when i got my family involved he become very angry and more verbally abusive. My father tried to talk some sense into to him but he didn't change. We got divorced 2 weeks ago its been hard dealing with it but my family has been very supportive and i am feeling much better. He tried to talk me into getting back with him but i refused and i am ready to move on with my life.
Inshallah i hope things go well for you and ask Allah for guidance and everything will work out for the best.
Salam sis, ....I also decided to get divorce from him.....my parents live in New York , while i was with my husband in chicago because of my college....i didnt have my parents around me when he was abusing me but i was keeping my parents upto date about the situation...........when we both came to new york (because I am a u.s citizen and i sponsored him for green card and we had an interview from the immigration office), my parents tried to talk to him nicely and humbly about the situation....but he was very rude and disrespectful to my parents and started yelling and screeming......then my family stopped me in new york and didnt let me got with him and even i didnt want to go with him as i was really hating him....my divorce is still in process as it has to go through court etc....but Alhamdulillah i also felt so much better and relieved after getting back to my parents.....He went back to India because he didnt have any legal status here in usa........I think whatever Allah does is always for the best! .....btw where do you live?
Ayesha sister i live in Ohio . I am so happy u got away from that man, if he disrespected your parents there was no way he would have ever respected you. Some people just never change there bad ways. You deserve better and I know you will find someone who treats you right and respects your parents. My now Ex husband also spoke with my father rudely and that was the breaking point for me. It made me realize that this man was never going to change. Inshallah things will get better for you from this point on. PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK WITH HIM AS HE WILL PROBABLY TRY TO GET YOU BACK THAT'S JUST THE NATURE OF A ABUSER. your family is all you need to get through this difficult time. I will make dua for you Inshallah
Salam Amina1 and other sis....Thanks for your support and encouragement for me....I really appreciate it.....Amina, its nice to hear that you are in my neighbourhood also......Thanks so much for your dua ....May Allah give all of you reward......Actually u r abosolutely right.....these kind of abusive man always try to get you back to them.....but its always better to be strong and walk away....Its very hard but not impossible...specially it was hard for me becz i lived with him for 5 months...and there are always some emotions involved specially female are more emotionally weak..and i was always thinking that Am I making the right decision or not? but Alhamdulillah through my family's support, i got over with it.....
Salam Ayesha and Amina1
Insha Allah by the support from your family, both of you can continue your life, far from those abusive men. I make Du'a both of you will find the better Muslim who will love you sincerely and treat you like what Islam teaches about treating wives. Forgetting those kind of men will be easy insha Allah, though healing what they have made inside ( abusive words ) needs a longer time. but Insha Allah everything will be ok and it can be a learning for those who have ever involved in the situation like this, that words are more sharp than swords so that why we must be careful in speaking. And also may Allah guide them and realize their fault...then become the better muslim.
Nisa
Salaam sister,
What a good outcome.Sometimes we try to save our marriage and give everything.When it still doesnt work we leave it and feel soo much better.Well done sisters.I am soo happy you got nice families around you.I am sure there will be someone out there who will treat you sisters in a good way.I myself am in a bad situation.First marriage forced tried to make it work but did not love him for four years.Second marriage he cheated and divorced me I didnt do anything wrong.Got married again have been cheated on again he told me he want to live with her and not with me.Pls pray for me he changes.
Thanks
You can't change a person sisters as Allah says in the Qur'an ;
Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of people until they change what is in themselves ...
(The Glorious Qur'an 13:11)
my advice to all those women who are about to marry,dating or engaged...test the water before jumping.dont ignore any red flag u cum across...dont ignore wrong behaviour or attitude before marriage.even if you r engage and cum across verbal abuse or threatning of leaving etc.just break the engagement right thier.and dont think u can change the person and hisbehaviour after marriage.u can never change a person or his behaviour.i am telling u with my personal experience..and after marriage u r bound to obey everything..their are some verbally abusive ,emorionally abusive men who never changes.hurting gives them pleasure.ego in a man is something that is very dificult to handle.
You are not alone, Sisters. My situation is the same - 23, married several months, now separated from psychologically abusive husband. I know how tragic it is when you actually love and care for them, and I know what the stress does to your spirit, body, and mind. May Allah have mercy on you all and improve your condition. Sometimes these disasters in our personal lives are a mercy from Allah in themselves, but we do not perceive it: Inna maAl Usri yusra. Allah will find a way out for us inshaAllah.
And may Allah help the abusers become aware that they must correct their behaviour and may He protect others from this tragedy. Ameen.
Iam very depressed. Iam a convert to islam converted long before I got married to my husband I been married almost 9 years everything was fine until earlier this year. My husband keeps saying he will divorce me for 8 months now never did and never left. He keeps swearing at me treating me badly and saying he will be with another women. He keeps saying I don't cook or clean but I work full time and pay my share of the bills. He keeps bringing up my short comings and always puts me down and says iam not good enough. He even went as far as to say I would never be a good mother he says I will never progress in life or buy a house because iam a loser and don't make good money. He said he will look for another women and move out and never talk to me again. I never did anything wrong and I try to be a good muslim I try my best to pray 5 times a day. I don't understand why he's hurting me so badly if I always treat him so well.
A, I'm sorry to hear about what's been going on. I wonder if your husband has already found another woman and is looking for an excuse to divorce you. In any case, you have a right to be treated better than this. No one should be verbally and emotionally abused. If your husband is willing to see a marriage counselor with you, try that. If not, then maybe tell him to go ahead and divorce you. At least then you will be free of his abuse.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't have family. But am in same situation.
I convert to Islam when I got married to a Muslim guy. He said that if I want to be with him I have to convert ti Islam.
One night a had a fight with my father and I was crying, sad and very vulnerable. My husband tried to cheer me up and bring the topic again about converting. I accept and say something that I didn’t know what it was. I never knew Islam not even that this religion exist.
However, when I realized the mistake a made and I told him that I was mistaken and I don’t want to be a Muslim. This happen the very next day in the morning.
11 years later, he brought the same topic and told me that he want the divorce because he was living in a sin because I committed a huge and unforgivable sin, which is rejecting my religion. I was confused about what he said. So, when he meant I reject my religion he meant to be Muslim. I was never a Muslim! I’m Catholic and I was very confused that night because I wasn’t thinking straight and I realized my mistake.
So, what of all this is true?
Dear May. You have not done anything wrong. Your husband was wrong to take advantage of your moment of vulnerability to convince you to convert to Islam without understanding the religion or what it's about. And it sounds like in the 11 years since, he has not taught you anything about Islam. That you have not prayed, or fasted, or practiced the religion. So it makes no sense for him to use this as a reason for divorce.
There are a few possibilities. One is that as a Muslim, he does not want to be married anymore to a non-Muslim woman. For Muslims, unity of faith within the family is very important.
The other possibility is that he has some other reason for divorcing you, and he is using this as an excuse.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor