I converted to Islam, but his parents still won’t accept me
Assalamu alaikum
I am 24 yr old girl. I embraced Islam about 5 years ago with the help of Islamic scholars and since then, I have been following it with sincerity. I have been learning little by little and following it with full dedication. I have realized that it is the true religion and want to stick to it and die a Muslim.
I was in a relationship with a Muslim boy for the past 8 yrs. At the time I decided to take up Islam, we never thought of marriage. I wanted to learn it first and then take it as my religion. Now I can proudly say that I am a Muslim though I am facing many difficulties.
Now that we are of marriageable age, he told his parents about me as we did not want to marry without their blessings. But they are not ready to accept me at any cost. They said they don't care even if I am following islam.
I am in a dilemma now. I wanted to know if it will be wrong if we get married without their permission. We tried our maximum in convincing them but they are not ready to accept me. What should I do now as I'm in a difficult state.
Kindly share your valuable suggestion.
- meammuu
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Walaikumsalaam Dear meammuu,
MaashaAllah on accepting Islam, may Allah continue to Guide you and may He make this path easy for you Aameen.
Allah says: "...think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allâh?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allâh is near!" (Al-Baqarah 2:214)
Dear Sister - upon accepting the truth of Islam, you will face many trials, but take solace in Allah's promise that His(swt) help is surely near. Upon accepting Islam, you will have learnt that Muslim men and women are forbidden to have intimiate relations, be they physical or emotional and indulging in such wrongs knowingly are major sins in Islam. So as one Muslim sister to another I will advise you to be wary and mindful of Allah's laws. Going against Allah(swt)'s Divine Law will lead to grief, misery and pain in this life and the next.
Alhumdulillah you both want to legalise your relationship through marriage. You did not mention why this man's parents are rejecting you, but I will assume their rejection is because you were not born to a Muslim family or because you are from a different cultural background. Unfortunately, this is a widespread issue amongst the Muslim community and is causing extreme problems as it is not from Islam. Being of the same culture or being born into a Muslim family are not criteria to choosing a spouse according to the Prophet(saw); however being a striving Muslim and having a good character most definitely are.
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Alhumdulillah, you and your prospective want to be married and you also want to have the blessings of the parents; this is good maashAllah. Allah(swt) also advises us to get married as soon as possible as doing so is like fulfilling half our deen and He(swt) also instructs us not to displease our parents. So what do we do when two Islamic obligations we are trying to fulfil are conflicting with each other? As far as I understand, a Muslim man does not require the permission of his father to get married, as a Muslim woman does, but of course we all want our parent's blessings and happiness and this is also pleasing to Allah. So although it may seem to be the harder way, it will be more rewarding for you both try and find a way to convince his parents to give their true blessings for you to both marry. This way you will inshaAllah fulfil the sunnah of marriage and also please the parents, this will no doubt please Allah - what more could one ask for? :O)
- So what should be a straightforward matter due to Islamic rulings is an issue here. But this is part of life and part of our test and inshaAllah there are ways forward. Allah(swt) revealed The Quran over a period of 23 years, maybe part of the reason for revealing It over such a long time was because He(swt) knew the stubborn nature of man. He(swt) knew that we find it hard to move away from what we are used to and need to time to understand in order to accept change.
So, we need to remember that for some parents who have never had cross cultural/revert marriages in their families and at the same time are not very practising; accepting such a marriage is not easy for them; so we need to tread very carefully and gently in trying to make them understand, 'change' and give sincere blessings. How can you do this? Ask your prospective to use the Quran and Sunnah to explain to them that such a marriage is permissible; at all times ensuring to be kind. The last thing the parents will be drawn to is a harsh tone. He could also ask respected family members to try and convince them. If this does not work, he could ask an Imaam to step in and try to convince them. Remember, the parents most probably already know that such marriages are permissible in Islam, but due their deep rooted thinking, they are not ready to accept them. Also they may have many fears, fears of the unknown, fears that may be quite baseless but - still they need to be brought the the surface, discussed and put at ease with them. So it will take alot of time, patience and dua.
- I do not know if it is necessary Islamically for you to have a Wali (male representative), but I will encourage you to approach a good and qualified Imaam and ask him to represent you. One of the reasons why your prospective's parents maybe unwilling to accept you is because they do not know enough about you. They may be worried that you are not sincerely Muslim, or again, it maybe the fear of moving out of their comfort zone or of dealing with the jaahil/backward pressures of society/community - again 'fears'. Of course they could simply just try to get to know you hence they could see that in fact you may actually be a lovely person and are able to mix with well them, but most likely their unIslamic prejudices will come in the way of this. This is why I recommend that you have someone respected in the community to represent you, i.e. an Imaam who can could speak on your behalf and at the same time educate the parents about marriage in Islam. Also having a trustworthy male representative to act on your behalf will make it easier for you to avoid unecessary mixing with your prospective as he is non-mahram to you.
Apart from this, both of you should do continuous tawbah, refrain from situations that lead to sinning, seek help from reliable Imams and other pious/respected people to help convince the parents - kindly and gently. Most importantly, make lots of dua to Allah to help you and to make this path easy for you as Allah is the Greatest of Planners and it is He who gives and He who takes. Also do Istikhara.
Until you can both be married, keep your distance from one another, emotionally and physically. This will be testing, but remember this life is a test. Allah also promises: "For truly with hardship comes ease; truly with hardship comes ease". (Surat al-Inshirah: 5-6)
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mashallah, what a great response!!
SisterZ covered everything. I just wanted to say, Meammuu, that I wish the best of you and hope you have a happy marriage after these trials.
MashALLAH on ur accepting Islam. Do u know the exact reason of y they r not willing to give u a chance?! To my acknowledge u do not need his parents approval. If u truly truly thnk this is the man for u, go to a mosque and get married. But I will warn u tat, usually there r a lot of arguments and fights, for the man will listen to his parents eventually, especially his mother. They might fill this head with dirty and might try to break u guys up by sayin u chose tis grl over ur elderly parents.. emotionally blackmail him. So please I recommend tat u ask them y r they against u. Try to get on there good side, especially the mom. Inshallah things will work out for u.
Dear Meammuu
I completely comprehend your situation, I'm facing something like this. I'm totally in love with a Pakistani and he keeps saying he won't run away from his parents' decision, and the sad thing is he really believes his Mom, especially, won't allow us to marry. He seems to be also in love, so I don't consider the unrequited love scenario as an option, that's why I'm here sharing with you my story, and also making some research about this specific subject!
We were thinking about a "strategy" to try to introduce myself to them by the end of this year (as we are separated by some oceans and seas, living in different continents), so I could present them myself, my life, my "universe", my culture and my country's particularities, but his Mom already found out about us this week, and already asked him about me, asking about my name, if I was his girlfriend, to what he replied "no". Now we don't know what's coming next, as he already kind of "lied" to her (because we consider ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend), but he was startled when she asked that he said "no" instinctively. I can see he's scared and still doesn't know how to behave, so I really appreciate your post and everybody's replies, it helped me a lot about part of the speech I'm preparing to my first encounter with the family.
I'm considering to convert into a Muslim for the religion itself, I've been reading a lot but in my country is very difficult to find a Mosque to go or Muslim people to talk about and learn the religion and habits from them. I also came back to my Arabic classes, so I can try to learn Urdu easier. I understand that his Mom probably is worried about which education would I be able to provide to our future children, so I'm doing my best to fulfill all this huge "checklist" they might have in mind about being the perfect spouse to their first son.
I also have a doubt, if someone from the list can help me: he is almost 5 years younger than me, would that be an issue regarding the religion or the tradition?
Well, Dear sister, if you want we can talk more about our situation, by now I thank you and all the others that spent some time trying to help.
Khuda Hafiz!
Luiloo
In Islam it is not a issue at all if the husband is younger than the wife. When the Messenger of Allah married Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her), her was 15 years younger than her.
Also there was one companion of the prophet who was 17 or 18 years old who married a older woman. The Messenger of Allah asked him why he did not marry a virgin instead. He said he needed a older woman in his house to look after some of his younger siblings. The Messenger of Allah then said to the companion that he made the right decision.
as-salamualaikum, sister z has covered a lot mashallah. there was a young couple who feared commiting zina( because when you have strong feelings for the opposite sex, guess what is a grand possibility?), the girl was a convert, so they went to the masjid and talked to the imam who married them without their parents' knowledge.
Mashaallah Sister Z!
May Allah always gives you more knowledge for the people who seeks for it... and looking for comfort...
Alhamdullillah...we are converts and most of us follows the quran and the sunnah more than the people who use to know the rules since they were born..
on my opinion...lay the cards,,, express what u want to say...accountable on everything that we do...