Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve tried so hard at this marriage, but just dont love him.

Salam aleikum,

I have been married for 9 months now, it was an arranged marriage. I was under the impression that if he's a good man, and a good muslim, its only natural that i would come to love him. But in all these months, I have just come to realise that I dont love him. despite him being a good husband, I just dont love him.

He is trying everything to keep me happy, and I really do appreciate it, but i cannot build up any feelings for him. Because of my lack of feelings for him, it has affected our sex life too. hes a good man, he doesn't not deserve a wife who doesn't love him, and all she thinks of is ways to stay away from him. Despite all this, I just found out I am pregnant. What am I to do?

Currently I am contemplating to ask for divorce after I deliver. I dont want to b divorced, I dont want our baby to have a broken home. So what else can I do? I have been praying for Allah to help me love my husband. I try my best to stay away from home by working long hours, I do anything to avoid him. And the time I do spend with him, I am most miserable. I sometimes wish I'd die if thats the only way to be away from him.
I want to love my husband, but I cant, and I don't even have a reason why. Please help.


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53 Responses »

  1. Sister Alaa2,

    Sometimes it takes a long time to start loving someone. Since this is an arranged marriage you need to have more time to get to know him & for him to get to know you to actually develop feelings for him. I do not know what happened in your personal life from what you wrote, but if you have fallen in love with someone else before your marriage then that may be the problem. If that is the case, you have to make up your mind that you are married now & you have to live your life with your husband. That will mean you have to make yourself get over the other person and put all your attention on your husband.

    If that is not the case & your husband is the first person you have ever been with, you may have had your hopes up too high, this is all too common because of the media (Movies, music, etc.) talking about different kinds of love (such as love at first sight, puppy love, etc.). Real true love takes time to happen, but it doesn't happen by force. You just have to enjoy your time with him, tell him about your personal desires, be carefree & not worry about falling in love. Basically you have to be patient & not wonder why you don't love him because if you keep wondering about that then it will not happen.

    You say you can not stand to be with him, do you know why? Did you at least like him when he proposed to you or did you just choose him because you thought he would be a good husband only? This could be the problem here because there should have been some sort of attraction or interest between both of you before marriage (without going outside of Islamic guidelines).

    If you look at this website, you will see a lot of women who are unhappy because their husbands do not treat them well or they were good changed after marriage, but you have a very good husband who cares for you & tries to make you happy. I think you should try to work on this marriage before officially getting a divorce. Divorce is completely up to you, but know that your child will have a broken family & your husband will be hurt as well. Give it a few years & instead of working long hours, try to spend time with him. See what kind of a person he is, what he likes, allow him to take you shopping or go to a very good restaurant to enjoy. Try everything you can & if you still find yourself unhappy then think about Divorce.

    Maybe you will start loving him when you see how well he will be with your baby, inshallah. It happens. Divorce is a major thing, and is done when you have absolutely tried everything to solve the problem but it isn't working. My advice is give it more time, spend more time with him, you may end up liking him & see the side in him that you have not seen before.

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister Alaa2,

    Ask Allah to give love and mercy "mmawaddaah war rahmah" between your hearts as it is also one of the signs of Allah.

    You said "it would be natural that you would love him", but no, it is not, it is a sign of Allah that He wants us to reflect upon.

    21. And of His signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect. - Surah Ar Ruum.

    You may try to pray 2 rakah salaat when you can and ask Allah for help.

    He is your husband, avoiding him will only make you stay away from him, except Allah wills otherwise.

    What I suggest is may be take a break of a week or two. See how you feel without him. See what sort of feelings and emotions come up in you. You can also then think of ways to act in this situation.

    Also in that one or two weeks time you can read Qur'an with meanings in more frequency, pray more and seek Allah's guidance in the matter.

    Once you pray " O Allah make me love him, make me love him " ! Insha Allah, Allah will make you love Him if He wills. It is easy for Allah, for Allah is Able.

    Sister Alaa2, don't worry. Leave worries to Allah. Enjoy this time of your life, the beauty of these moments which make you both more beautiful to be blessed by a child, do not be thankless to Allah.

    Once you try these points I wrote above and see Insha Allah what happens. You can use your own ideas also to see what you can do to work out this situation.

    Once your efforts fail and you feel there is nothing better than separation, because the woman in you is not feeling satisfied with this life and your deen and dunya are getting disturbed due to it, in short peace is taken away from your life, then you may think of separation.

    From your post I think you want to be with him and not leave him, so keep on praying to Allah.

    You should discuss and communicate with him your inability to be in deep love, in which you want to. So tell him, let us be like girl friend and boy friend, be like those young lovers, they do things without marriage, you are married Alhamdulillaah, you may go out on dates like they do, dinners, bring gifts for each other, text each other when not together, give phone calls, etc, develop friendship first, then let it grow in to love slowly.

    And do not forget to read the Qur'an with meanings together. It is the main healing of our hearts and guidance for life.

    Ask Allah for Help, as He is always ready to help those who turn to Him.

    Your brother.

  3. Salaams alaa2r
    I complete understand your pain and feelings and the advise from strawberryfields is 100% right. There are alot of sisters and brothers who are in the same boat as you but for an arrange marriage it takes longer to make the marriage work. Stop looking into fairytales of bollywood, lollywood and hollywood. Do you know how much this has corruptted the minds of our children, how many girls what to be this and that. There is no need for this we are muslims and we should be gratefull for what allah has given us has destiny is written already and we cannot change this. In life you have work at it and make it work in anything you want to do, nothing is free and no one will give you a helping hand, you have to learn yourself and inshallah in time you will trust me. My advise to you is look around those people who are not actually happy then you inshallah realise your problem is not as bad. Your husband is decent ulhumdiallah and loves you dearly how many are those around sister. Although you have not mentioned in your reply there is no point asking you personal questions to you has I have seen this happen to girls and boys I used to go to school with most of them were forced or did not have a say into their marriage and top it all they did the arrange marriage for parents honor and respect. Id say ulhumdiallah to this I only wish my parents were like this and I would have fulfilled my duty as a proper daugther that is the only wish I have that has not happen to me but inshallah one day it was come. Ulhmduallah my parents have always granted my wish in everything in halal way and therefore that's why I know this is very difficult for you I cant imaninage how you must be feeling. All I will say is this takes time my mum had the same feelings as you until the children were born love become stronger towards my dad and the marriage became a success. You do need to spend time with your husband ulhumdiallah he is a decent husband and I also think he craves that company that's why you feel lonely at the moment although you think you not doing enough you will see you got a better relationship and understanding of your husband once you share each other company then most people have you realsie actually I am. I honestly think you should go and see the doctor signs could be your suffering from anixity and depression which is common when women are pregnant.

    Please do not throw this marriage away talk it through with your husband and inshallah you see. W/salaams

  4. Please do not think about dieing it is haraam therefore seeking help for medical profession will also be best option for you inshallah i pray you get through this difficult time ameen.

  5. A sincere plea to everyone here going through difficult marriages:
    Please dont have children until you are sure the marriage is right and there is genuine love and affection between you and your spouse. Children need a happy healthy and nurturing environment to grow into healthy,sane adults. My parents had a terrible marriage and we kids grew up thinking marriage is that way as a result of which we struggled with self-esteem, trust and faith issues which affected our own personal relationships . Children grow up scarred for life for no fault of theirs - as a parent it is your responsibility to ensure that you are providing your child with the best environment to grow up in. You are having a child out of your own choice and so you need to make sure that the child will be treated right and not punished for your shortcomings or your spouse's shortcomings.

    If you and your spouse cannot solve the issues there is no way a child can be the solution to make it work. Please consider not having the child as it is better to not bring a life into this world then have the child and make him/her miserable for life.

    • @rainyday True children do need to be happy but once a new life has been created it has been created for a reason by allah I dont see why people cant make the marriage work. Hopefully with sister being pregnant this will make the relationship stronger feelings take time to develop especially love. You may think dont bring a child into the marriage but allah does things in such a way that nor I or anyone else knows. There are loads of muslim brothers and sisters wanting to get married and have kids and there are others who cant have kids and would do anything. Advising someone not to have kids is out of question people should say ulhumdiallh that they having a child and its been created for a reason and it does take two to tango and two to create a life.

    • I agree with you on some parts, if the marriage is not working out a child may or may not save it, but the parents should not have a child just to save a marriage. Sometimes children are not planned, it is a gift only Allah can give.

      As for your advice on not having the child, are you recommending abortion? This is absolutely haraam to take an innocent life away for no reason. Yes I say no reason because in this sister's case, she feels like she does not love her husband but it does not mean that she will not love the child. This is no reason to take a life, if she does not truly want the child she can give it up for adoption. Once a child is inside you, you have no right to take the life God has given it. It is an independent soul, not something you are in charge of.

      I apologize if I have offended anyone but abortion is a very big choice that should not be made without understanding the circumstances. If you did not mean that then I apologize for taking it the wrong way. May Allah forgive us all.

      • Salaams strawberryfields1
        @strawberryfields @rainyday has suggested not to have kids and I dont agree with abortion as sister is already pregnant and life has been created and been created for a reason by allah that maybe sister needs to give her husband a chance to improve her marriage inshallah

  6. I did not have an arranged marriage and whether by choice or arranged, marriage is a complicated situation.
    Adjusting to anyone is a hard thing to do and most of us go through ups and downs with the other person. Having said so, I will state that it suprises me that people here think just because the woman expects compatibility love, intimacy and affection it is being interpreted as "movie-inspired". This is misleading- partners in good marriages have all of the above and it is right to give and expect the same. To be asked to slip into the role as you are married to the person is cruel and insensitive.

    Being a good provider doesnt automatically make someone a good spouse- mental compatibility and physical attraction are the key to a successful union and people who continue in unhappy marriages do so as they see no way out or learn to tolerate the other person. This does not mean the marriage is successful , love and tolerance are two entirely different things and cannot be mistaken for each other. To the lady here - please consider whether a marriage therapist may help the two of you figure out the issues and try to make it work. If there is no resolution, you need to end this misery and walk away - life is hard and we win some battles and lose others but at the end of the day you need to look back and feel that your choices are right. Please dont bring a child into the mix until you resolve the conflict, that is utterly selfish and will cause the innocent child more harm than good.

    • @rainyday True. I am very sorry for the pain you have suffered in your life may allah give you strenght and happiness ahead and ease the pain you are feeling. Sister is already pregnant and I dont agree with abortion whether the husband or wife gets on or not at the end of the day a new life has been created and for that its a sign either to walk away or to work at the marriage. I hope inshallah in time it works out ameen

  7. I think sisters like this may think the grass is greener on the other side, but when they jump over the fence and their feet land in that other side, they are given a rude awakening. Often the "love they seek" only exists in Neverland and on Pandora.

    I can almost certainly guarantee despite you going and chatting about your personal matters to the world, he still won't find a fault in you. Be careful, in trying to find happiness and love, you may end up in misery and pain.

  8. I did mention above that they should seek marriage counselling or therapy to address their issues. But that does not take
    away from the fact that a child will suffer physically and emotionally in this situation. Science has proved that children even in the womb react to mental and physical trauma of the mother so she is already harming the child and its growth.
    Secondly what if after having the child also the marriage doesnt work out- this is what frustrates me. A child cannot be a solution to an existing problem , that is too unreasonable a burden on an unborn child. Irrespective of whether they divorce or not, they need to address their problems and find answers before bringing children into the picture. Are you implying that God wants the children to be born in a home where there is turmoil and anguish? If the adults dont know the way of God themselves then how are children going to learn the right and wrong of the world - from these kind of parents?? God willing they may have children in the future when they have stabilized their relationship and are having a child for the right reasons not because we have the ability to procreate.
    In the past , women did not have a say and were married off and expected to toe the line, but the world has changed now and women need to lead the way and make the right choices as we have been given the unique ability to bring another life into the world. What sort of mothers will we be if we have babies for the wrong reasons and make the wrong choices- this is why children suffer and grow up with behavioural and personality issues.
    I think nothing is more detrminental to a child as being born in a hostile home where the parents do not demonstrate the importance of love , affection and empathy in their thoughts and actions with each other and the family. Remember charity begins at home.

    • @rainyday allah is the one who makes us women pregnant and it does take two to create a life. Like I said before things happen and happen for a reason. To even get an obsortion is out the question in Islam it is haraam and act of evil sin in my eyes. Whether you agree or not sister life is already created there is no point getting ideas into sisters head. I would strongly advice you not to do this has it is a lot more emotional, physcial damaging to take and break a woman in every part of the bone you can think off. I feel so sorry for these women who do this they dont realise they are the lucky ones who even get pregnant in the first place. For your own selfish needs and then get an abortion for the sake of the hostile in the marriage wouldnt you rather appericate and be grateful that you have to change. Yes times have changed we have to go with it but remember Islam teaches us to be grateful as well as to create sabr in ourselves. Astugfillallah I couldnt and would never ever consider such a thing why because I know it is sincerley haraam and if a life is created I should count my lucky stars allah gave me a child look at those people who havent even got a child and been trying for years and still no success. I know what you are saying in your situation but not all is the same and as easy as that. If there are children who have behaviour problems it is often because parents do not disclipine there children hard enough, they hand out everything on the plate to them hence this is why they become arguement, aggrestive and spolit. These days I seen it in my own eyes people have alot of problems and so much is being compared to other people and why people never see the good in front of them this is what really hurts me and breaks my heart. Everyone does have ups and downs in marriages you have to balance it and this does take time and perfect never comes around like fairytales im sorry you can never meet miss right or mr right to have to make it work together to get the trust and love. The sooner people realise the better life isnt how you planned it, it is how allah gave it to you in the first place. This is a path we are all in and what allah tests us on only allah knows. May allah also guide people with their difficult issues ameen.

      • Also do not believe science or any of these rubblish magazines/newspapers the next day they change the stories too many often even on eating healthy then the next day like recently diet drinks make people put on weight yet it is a diet drink to control your calories. Oh please if you beleive this then you are fooled it is all about balance and educate yourself to apperiate what is in front of you rather than not improving.

  9. dear sister, i feel your pain. I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation...I am actually in a one-sided marriage as well. I have a child and I have been married for 3 years. My advice to you is try your best, talk to your mother, your siblings if they are married, and go into counseling as soon as you can. Don't do what I did. I knew I wanted a divorce and I wanted to ask for it by the end of this year, but before that I cheated on my husband (no sex though, which is not an excuse or anything) with another man and I got caught. Now my life is a living hell and I still want a divorce but I'm stuck. I urge you to seek help from the all mighty Allah and pray Istekhara and Inshallah he will guide you...for he is all knowing. Love is out there and I know what you speak of...I have tried everything and I have given it time (3 years worth) but I chose the wrong path and have repented for it.

    May Allah make give you a good and healthy pregnancy and a clear mind. Please pick wisely and seek help from the people around you. I know others will try to put pressure on you and tell you to stay even though you do not want to...this lead me to my mistakes...which isn't an excuse but this is your life and think of it carefully.

    and Allah knows best

  10. JK2009
    Have you tried therapy or counselling with your spouse- sometimes an outside perspective is what is needed to make both parties see the light. Family is helpful but they are biased because of their existing relationships and this is where outside counsel is better.
    Three years is a long time and if things have not been resolved even then - maybe going your separate ways is the best for both of you. You live once, it is important to live a fulfilled life and have no regrets. We cannot control what life sends our way, but we can react to it and in your case if reasonable attempts have been made and still there is hostility and unhappiness, separation may be the only way.
    I always suggest counselling to people as I have seen them benefit from this and in some cases even save their marriages. The key is that both parties have to be open to listening and receiving frank feeedback from the therapist or counselor and be determined to attempt to fix the mistakes.

    The fact that you have strayed shows how painful the situation is and your spouse is not helping by being vindictive instead of looking into what can be done to reset the direction of your relationship. Think about the pros and cons and make a careful decision - dont let other people sway your mind, remember they will offer advice but at the end of the day it is you who will face each day with this person and it needs to be right.

    • Thanks rainyday...yes we have been going to therapy together but i am very lost because in on one side I know my feelings and I know what I want ( a divorce) and I know that this isn't going to workout and i'm not going to be happy...but on another side i'm totally torn because my husband found out and he says he wants to change, but i haven't seen anything different. I don't want to hurt him, i don't love him, but all i feel for him is sympathy because of what I have done to him and how he must be feeling at the moment.

      Outside opinions are killing me mother is forcing me to stay because of what I did and she says there's no way I can get a divorce. My father won't allow it and neither would she. I don't want my father to find out what I did...only my mom knows. It's a lot of stress that is forcing me to stay with him even though I know it is no good for either of us or our child. I am totally lost and I feel for this sister...I just don't want her to make the same mistake I least she is taking action early. I was too late. But alhamdu lil allah he is all knowing and all willing so I accept my fate, but hope that he has better days to come for me and my child.

      I tired submitting a question titled " I dont connect with my husband emotionally at all, I still want a divorce. 4th july 2011 (REady) " but it wasn't posted. I went into more details of my situation and I wanted more comments and help. I hope the editors get to add it to their posts.

      Jazzakum allahu khairan


    • I also just wanted to add that even with therapy, I haven't been totally truthful with him because I cannot tell him how I really feel...How can I tell a man that loves me so much that I do not love can i tell him that I don't have feelings for him...that everything he did for me and everything I did for him is over and I never wanted to marry him? These things make me go crazy and make me hopeless...what to do because I know that if I told him all of this he will be crushed and will instantly divorce which my mother will forever hate me for...additionally, what if he tells my father what I have done...what will become of me? he wont let me get a divorce then....HELP ME!

  11. John, I think that's a really unfair statement. I understand love comes in different forms and sizes, and sometimes we fail to appreciate it. However, in marriage we need to feel content that the other person is meeting our needs. I think the sister may be doing all the right things that she need to do to make her marriage healthy but the brother may fail to make her feel content with the relationship. He may be just using her for his means but in return he may do very little to please her.

    "I can almost certainly guarantee despite you going and chatting about your personal matters to the world, he still won't find a fault in you."- is such a bias statement! You make it sound like guys are just perfect, with no bad intentions. How do you know that we will not find fault in her. Such a chuvanist!

  12. Stop living for others, your kid will never learn love if you can't show it. Take courage, and live for yourself. Your husband will find someone else. You will too. Have.the strength now and rewards will come too you

    I am not religous.

    But I do believe your god will not do all the work, he will give you only the strengh to do it for yourself.

  13. I think this is a very interesting topic, i read in a recent article that 80% of divorces are petitioned by women!

    I wonder if there are any brothers in a similar predicament as the sister? And how they handled the situation? Perhaps they can advise the sister better?

  14. Sister,

    When I was a freshman in college, I was walking along to class and some friends introduced me to this Muslim brother. I said hello and that was that. I was not interested nor did I think he was particularly good looking. I would not see that same guy for another six months. Who would guess he would ask for my hand some time later? I accepted his proposal and found that he had a beautiful personality and was funny as well. We have been married for 30 years...go figure.

    You have a husband who is a good man. He is a jewel in a world whereby many marriages have abuse or husbands whom are unfaithful. Think twice about divorce my love, you may not find another man so devoted to you and good hearted. There are countless women in the world, who pray for a good man like yours. Think long and hard before you end things, they may never come again.

    Best of luck and happiness to you

    • Sister Najah,
      I am happy for you & your happy marriage. May Allah bless you & grant you both to Jannah together.
      I agree with you completely, I am one of those women who pray for a good man because, not to make our brothers feel bad, but a lot of men do not take marriage seriously. Sometimes we don't know how the person is till after marriage. The guy you may end up liking a lot or even loving might not be marriage material.

      Sister alaa2,
      Even though many people will tell you that good men are plenty, men who are may not be compatible with you are plenty also, maybe even more. Do not feel discouraged,Inshallah you will get what you want in Jannah. I believe that even if you have had no feelings for your husband now in this life, when you go to Jannah inshallah you will automatically love him. But if you feel as if you will go insane because you feel hopeless & can not feel happy or if you are very depressed at this relationship that you start to feel like you will harm yourself then maybe divorce can be the solution. Allah dislikes divorce so make sure you have tried everything to make your marriage work before making this big decision.

      Allah knows best.

      • @strawberyfields you are right but not all women are the same too some woman show there true colours after marriage vice verca the man. It is so true what you said we dont know the person until we marry them and then in seconds they can change just like that. It is true not everything is black or white main thing is like you said is work at it and then you see another path of direction will open inshallah.

    • What you did was a gamble and you got lucky. Should this be viewed as a positive thing , Im not so sure.
      Relationships can make or break your life and your future; it is better to be aware and conscious then submit to a chance and play the dice.

      Since the person mentioned that he was good to her but she didnt have feelings- it sounds like therapy may be might help figure out what is wrong. But if nothing works then in some cases separation may be the best idea, she cannot be miserable all her life because of the fear that she may never meet another man who treats her well. You cannot attribute being a good provider as equal to being a good husband, these are two different things. Compatibility- mental, emotional and physical is the key and sometimrs two people may be good individuals but wrong for each other. Therapy can be the tool to identify if there is some issue preventing them from seeing their compatible factors or if seriously they are incompatible , look at their options and make a sane decision.

      Im shocked that people think it is ok to bring a child into this circumstance- as some one else mentioned this is why some people become maladjusted adults with personality disorders etc.
      Children learn about trust , happiness and other positive things from their parents since this is their earliest and often most significant influence , to deny a child all of the above is the greatest sin.

  15. Alaa2, I am sorry you are having to go through with this. I am not Muslim, but I know what it is like to grow up with incompatible parents that finally divorced when I was 16. They married after only three dates (so not unlike an arranged marriage as their families were neighbors and friends) and for 19 years tried to make it work, but couldn't. The misery my brother and I endured the last 4 years of their marriage scarred us for life. It took me a long time to be able to get to the point where I did not fear marriage and that was only after having a couple of good boyfriends who were surpisingly both Muslims and very nice men. Both my parents are good people and faithful Christians, but they did not belong together. Are you in a position to support your child if divorce is inevitable? I agree with the other ladies that commented against abortion as it takes a life away. I hope and pray that you find a solution...maybe having the baby will change things and bring you closer, but if it doesn't...for the child's sake, don't make the same mistakes my parents did. Marriage is serious and should be a mostly happy partnership thus teaching the children what a happy marriage can be.

  16. love is something that comes out of respect. in order to respect him you need to respect your self first. i am in the same situation but i am not married yet. i am engaged. i had a lot of great times but as the wedding gets closer he says things to me that i don't appreciate and i lost respect for him which means i stopped loving him. i think you need to write down what you would like to change about your self followed by him then the marriage...

    • Shay,

      You said it, respect is key in any relationship. If you are engaged and are not receiving the respect from your husband to do you think it will be once you marry? My advice to you is think long and hard about the man you are going to marry. Think about yourself and how you feel about things now and how he speaks to you and treats you. If the way he is speaking to you now is disrespectful or unkind, do you think somehow that is going to change? The answer is no, in fact it's possible that what you see is just the tip of the iceberg of what is to come.

      If you are having hesitations about this man and how he does not give you the respect you are due, end your engagement before it's too late. You are a beautiful woman who is to be respected and treated with kindness and compassion. Don't settle for a man that cannot give that to you, there are way too many good brothers out there that can and will.


  17. Love, Love, Love.

    Even the western world relate to it as 'overrated' during the times when they come to their senses.
    Now i'm not saying it doesnt exist, but what exactly is love?

    Forget, the disneyland 'happily ever after' version so many of us have been indoctrinated into. Building up little girls dreams and aspirations towards something that when applied practically in our everyday world can't exist in to our moulded expectations and perceptions.

    If love was what it is supposed to be then it wouldnt end, hearts wouldnt be broken , it would be infallible.

    In my humble opinion, i believe that what love really should be is a mixture of pre-requisites.

    First and foremost - Respect , honesty, value, loyalty, caring, trustworthiness, responsibility, dedication, kindness, compatibility. When one or other of these culminated feelings ebb and flow, like the tide and throughought life and time they recalibrate in unison, a balance is struck and should be recognised and appreciated.

    Most of all True Love is when a man (or woman) fears Allah in his/her treatment with you.

    Meaning in Islam Allah - ALWADOUD - The God of Love - whom has created us knows our needs, He Himself loves us dearly. In our Holy Quraan He has described what should be the basis of man and woman's loving relationship - ALMAWADAH WALREHMAH - mawadah ( laymans translation) attraction compatibility.
    Rehma - Mercy.

    If your husband is giving you the aforementioned i strongly advise you to prostrate to Allah in thanks and make sure you say and repeat daily aouthubillah min alshaitan alrajeem - for it is shaitan whom is making you take your husband for granted, because if you were to no longer have his being there , you will then realise how much you 'love' him.

    Shaitans master trick in this world is convincing us he isnt there!

    Know that when Ibless (the father devil) is sitting and his children sheyateen come to inform him of thier conquests, "I have influenced so and so to murder" another "I have gotten so and so to steal and rape" he is ok with thier acomplisments. But when one of his shaytans (like the one whispering to you that you do not love your husband) comes to tell Ibless "I have influenced so and so to divorce"
    Ibless (the very same one whom cast Adam out of heaven with Howah) Straightens up and praises his son , because Ibless is most happy when a married couple divorce.
    Dont underestimate Ibless's cunning and genius, because he knows that marriage and sound familial bonds within the safe grounds of Islam is his most dangerous enemy.
    This is why the dissolvement of marriage means the undoing of islamic society and ruin.

    So take that with a pinch of salt and thank Allah you have a good husband, many dont, and many will be ready to take your husband and feel in him the love you claim you dont feel.

    Women outnumber men 4-1 , its no co incedence.

    Be wise, not foolish and appreciate the Love you DO have and tell your husband that because he deserves to know instead of any coldness you have been ommitting without knowing.


    • A couple of points here
      1. Love is necessary and respect is what often translates into love when people get to know each other better and realize that the other person has a lot of what they want or look upto in fellow beings. Im not talking of the movie type love where you see someone and your heart skips a beat- that is just infatuation and does not equate love in any way. So dont compare the movie tales to actual love, people do experience various levels of emotions about the other person and it is not some illusion. I have been fortunate to be one of these people and will tell everyone here that it is true and we all deserve to be in loving, respectful and committed relationships with our partners.
      2. Where is your women:man ratio coming from? Do you know that in most of the developed world, men vastly outnumber women. China is a good example of this and it has the 2nd largest population in the world. Please don't use selective statistics that are not completely true to bolster your argument.
      3. No matter what anyone says, compatibility is very important in a marriage if you don't have this no amount of prayer will keep you happy.Yes people do put along with such marriages but tolerance does not equal happiness or love or respect for the relationship. There are situations in which marriages are salvageable and some cases where they are not; each of these is unique and should be treated so.
      Using tactics like "there are not enough men to go around and hence you should stay etc" are cruel; at the end of the day each person has to live their lives and should do what it takes to make it happy, fulfilling and worth living.
      So please show some empathy for the person's difficulties before posting such responses.

      • I'm currently on vacation but in the near future I will be looking into international stats and censuses. I'll make a note to post the stats proving that the women outnumbering men ratio is very real and on the rise.

        The only two counties that I know of whereby men out number women is India & china; and this is due to the phenomena of sex-selective abortion, which targets female fetuses almost exclusively. Over a million abortions of female fetuses happen per year because extra females poses huge financial burden onto their familes (in India due to the dowry system, poverty etc)

        Freethinker, Its interesting you mentioned that in China, did you look into stats as to Why, males outnumber females? Its not a natural phenomenon, its actually due to selective abortions because the widespread female infanticide in China is connected to the government's "one-child" policy, controversy has raged over the number of deaths that can be ascribed to infanticide as opposed to other causes. Zeng et al. argued in 1993 that "underreporting of female births, an increase in prenatal sex identification by ultrasound and other diagnostic methods for the illegal purpose of gender-specific birth control, and [only] very low-level incidence of female infanticide are the causes of the increase in the reported sex ratio at birth in China."
        2002 update: A recent article by John Gittings of the UK Guardian cites national census results released in May 2002 that show that "more than 116 male births were recorded for every 100 female births," but claims the cause is overwhelmingly sex-selective abortion: "Female infanticide, notorious in China's past as a primitive method of sex selection, is now thought to be infrequent." See Gittings, "Growing Sex Imbalance Shocks China", The Guardian, May 13, 2002.)

        For some reason more females are being born than males

        I don't know if you're muslim as i've noticed a few non muslim posters, if you are then you ought to be familiar with signs of the last day.
        You have your minor signs and the major signs that the Last day , the day of judgement is near.
        I'll post you a few of the minor signs its well worth contemplating and more importantly , recognising:-

        *The disappearance of knowledge and the appearance of ignorance (Bukhari, Muslim, Ibn Majah, & Ahmad)
        *Books/writing will be widespread and (religious) knowledge will be low (Ahmad)
        *Adultery and fornication will be prevalent (The Prophet, peace be upon him, said that this has never happened without new diseases befalling the people, which their ancestors had not known.) (Bukhari, Muslim, Ibn Majah, & Al-Haythami)
        *When fornication becomes widespread among your leaders (The Prophet, peace be upon him, said that this will happen when the people stop forbidding evil) (Ibn Majah)
        *Adultery and fornication will be performed in the open
        *The consumption of intoxicants will be widespread (Bukhari & Muslim)
        *Killing, killing, killing (Bukhari, Muslim, Ibn Majah, & Ahmad)
        *The nations of the earth will gather against the Muslims like hungry people going to sit down to a table full of food. This will occur when the Muslims are large in number, but "like the foam of the sea".
        *People will beat others with whips like the tails of oxen (Muslim) ?The Slave Trade
        *The children will be filled with rage (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *Children will be foul (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *Women will conspire (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *Rain will be acidic or burning (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *Children of fornication will become widespread or prevalent (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *When a trust becomes a means of making a profit (at-Tirmidhi, Al-Haythami)
        *Gains will be shared out only among the rich, with no benefit to the poor (at-Tirmidhi)
        *Paying zakat becomes a burden and miserliness becomes widespread; charity is given reluctantly (at-Tirmidhi & Al-Haythami)
        *Miserliness will be thrown into the hearts of people (Bukhari)
        *Episodes of sudden death will become widespread (Ahmad)
        *There will be people who will be brethren in public but enemies in secret (He was asked how that would come about and replied, "Because they will have ulterior motives in their mutual dealings and at the same time will fear one another.") (at-Tirmidhi)
        *When a man obeys his wife and disobeys his mother; and treats his friend kindly while shunning his father (at-Tirmidhi)
        *When voices are raised in the mosques (at-Tirmidhi)
        *People will walk in the marketplace with their thighs exposed
        *Great distances will be traversed in short spans of time
        *People will hop between the clouds and the earth
        *A tribulation will enter everyone�s home (Ahmad)
        *The leader of a people will be the worst of them (at-Tirmidhi)
        *Leaders of people will be oppressors (Al-Haythami)
        *People will treat a man with respect out of fear for some evil he might do (at-Tirmidhi)
        *Men will begin to wear silk (at-Tirmidhi)
        *Female singers and musical instruments will become popular (at-Tirmidhi)
        *When singers become common (Al-Haythami)
        *When the last ones of the Ummah begin to curse the first ones (at-Tirmidhi)
        *People will claim to follow the Qur'an but will reject hadith & sunnah (Abu Dawood)
        *People will believe in the stars (Al-Haythami)
        *People will reject al-Qadr (the Divine Decree of Destiny) (Al-Haythami)
        *Time will pass rapidly (Bukhari, Muslim, & Ahmad)
        *Good deeds will decrease (Bukhari)
        *Smog will appear over cities because of the evil that they are doing
        *People will be carrying on with their trade, but their will only be a few trustworthy persons
        *Wealth will increase so much so that if a man were given 10,000, he would not be content with it (Ahmad & Bukhari)
        *A man will pass by a grave and wish that he was in their place (Bukhari)
        *Earthquakes will increase (Bukhari & Muslim)
        *Women will be naked in spite of being dressed, these women will be led astray & will lead others astray (Muslim)
        *When people begin to compete with others in the construction of taller buildings (Bukhari)
        *There will be a special greeting for the people of distinction (Ahmad)
        *The Euphrates will disclose a treasure (The Prophet, peace be upon him, said that whoever is present should not take anything from it) (Bukhari & Muslim)
        *Two large groups, adhering to the same religious teaching will fight each other with large numbers of casualties (Bukhari & Muslim)
        *Years of deceit in which the truthful person will not be believed and the liar will be believed (Ahmad)
        *Bearing false witness will become widespread (Al-Haythami & Ahmad)
        *When men lie with men and women lie with women (Al-Haythami)
        *Arrogance will increase in the earth (at-Tabarani, al-Hakim)
        *Family ties will be cut (Ahmad)
        *There will be many women of child-bearing age who will no longer give birth.
        *There will be an abundance of food, much of which has no blessing in it..
        *Men will begin to look like women and women will begin to look like men


        *Women will outnumber men......eventually 50:1 (Bukhari, Muslim, & Ahmad)

        Do you think it will be a sudden jump to 50:1? No.... its a gradual rise and its happening as I type.
        There could be many reasons, but for certain the longer lasting more hardy, X chromosome tipped sperm is winning over the more delicate in nature Y tipped sperm; resulting in the rise of females births than that of males births.

        It is Allahs will that we are obviously and gradually moving towards that ratio of 50:1.

        In Islam, It is also said that the majority of Hell's dwellers are Women, when asked why, it was because women are known for turning against their husbands and not remembering or being quick to diminish or devalue the husbands good. i.e when arguing women have a natural tendency to focus on the bad and current event and forget or deny ALL the other aspects of the good the husbands have done: Women are sometimes predisposed to not fight fair based on this tendency.

        An interesting read would be The Moral Animal by Robert Wright. His study could explain explains how women and mens brains are hard wired differently and with women, the logical decision making part of their brains, is also the same part that deals with emotions so they tend to merge; sometimes detrimental results (and maybe the reason why some women yankiroon (deny) what their husbands have done for them)
        Men, the more logically inclinded have different centers for each.

        Another interesting and comparable research would be by Roberto Mercadillo of the National Autonomous University of Mexico’s Institute of Neurobiology (he writes in the journal Brain and Cognition.)
        “The present findings indicate that women accomplish the complex emotional-cognitive process defined as compassion through a more elaborate brain processing than men by engaging prefrontal and cingulated cortices,” the researchers write. “The results agree with gender differences reporting a greater emotional sensitivity in women when viewing aversive and suffering situations.”

        Interestingly In adults, the average brain weight in men is about 11-12% MORE than the average brain weight in women. Men's heads are also only about 2% bigger than women's, so that extra 10% of brain is made up in density and volume, this could also be a contributing factor to the differences between the both

        An Islamic take on the matter would be 'alnisaa naqeasaat a'agil wa deen' (laymans translation) Women lack in mental/mentality and religion.
        The religion part has been explained that due to her monthly cycle she is unable to pray the entire month, this by no way means that women are less religious than men. Just that due to nifaas or menstruation its hinders their worshiping time.
        However, the A'agil part can now be explained with science, i have just given a few examples of how womens brains are different than mens, but i'm sure that many other people can find better and more in depth examples to further review the psychological and physical differences between men and womens brains. And perhaps have shed more light on how the Quraan is a miracle.

        Going back to the point

        has it crossed your mind that maybe something is wrong with the woman, her inability to feel 'love 'is perhaps a fault in her own psychological state?
        And that maybe its not a tactic nor a strategy to lull this women into staying with her husband based on the reasoning that there arent enough men to go around, but the probability that there may not be a better deal out there for her expectations and that for once it would be healthy to think of others more than ourselves.
        If its not broken , then don't fix it.
        She hasn't said there is anything wrong with the marriage per se , shes only said that she cant feel the love. She had expectations that werent met, SHE IS the one with the problem not marriage its self of husband (whom probably is very happy with her).
        She is just waiting for that star struck flash in the pan Aha moment of 'im jittery and in love'
        Its infantile & unrealistic and its a tragedy if women are going to mentally shackle themselves into this form of thinking because they will miss out on life while their misconceptions are making plans for them.

        Take the facts:-

        She admits she came in with expectations that werent met.
        She admits he treats her well
        She has a baby on the way
        She admits the only problem is that she is unable to feel 'the love'.....yet.

        FYI- Many women i've seen and known whom have claimed to unsatisfied in their marriages and have asked for divorces and gotten them, only to find that the second her ex husband moves on and remarries does the previously unhappy woman has suddenly found 'the love' and not only that, she suddenly goes green with jealousy and suddenly gets amnesia over the countless times she complained how awful her husband was and suddenly claims she was happy until this other woman 'stole her husband'

        Men aswel they assume that their wife isn't making them happy or their not in love or the prescribed set of problems that pushed them to seek a substitute are in fact the same set of problems they face with the second wife.

        Marriage is not a toy, men and women have to realise and respect the union that is far bigger than their personal needs. Give a man/woman a mountain of gold and they want another.
        Has is occurred to you that a large chunk of happiness has to emanate from within, that we are individuals that should be independent of each other to be our source of happiness. This is fact is why so many people are unhappy.

        I think its best that we as a society get our priorites correct.

        BTW, IM A WOMAN, and yes i've been in love and ive been told im loved and showed it in todays contemporary fashion. But thats not what i appreciate and its certainly not what lasts.
        Love is again I repeat a culminated set of prerequisites.

        *Affection; this is decribed in the Quraan as Mawwadah and its the foundation of a marriage
        *Mercy; also described in the Quraan as Rahma and is the 2nd crucial recipie for marriage

        This is what Love should be, this is the only thing that lasts.

        She has all the above, she also has a baby and glad tidings on the way, I hope that the poster doesnt end up becoming one of the demographical women whom end up in hell because of lack of appreciation of what she may not realise is a good husband that is DESERVING of her love.

        Last of all what i've advised to the lady is not cruelty, its quite the opposite, I think that beguiling her with promises of never land and greener grass is the text book definition of cruelty.
        We have a saying, Ya bakht min bakany ou baka a'alaya wala min thahakny ou thahak ilnas alaya
        Lucky is the one whom cried and cried with me and not the one whom made me laugh and laughed at me.

        • Bravo , absolutely amazing replay ( I submit to Allah ) . Your comment was unbiased , logical and Islamic . It is really amazing to see a woman like you.

          May Allah bless you .

        • Please go look at the statistics, the number of men to women in the age group of 15-64 is still higher and in favor of men. It is on UN's website especially in the case of the more populated regions of the world and most of the Islamic nations . I'm all for statistics but please make sure it is true before you add on here. I read your statement about how the hadith (Bukhari) says that eventually women will outnumber men and will retort saying the hadith is a collection of statements and sayings from the prophets time, maybe this ratio was reasonable in that period. This does not make it a valid suggestion now and since it does not come directly from the Quran I don't see why it has to be taken as the word of law.

          Brain weight does not mean the men are smarter - that is kind of like saying that anyone who is physically bigger in brainier. Both in the animal world and specifically humans, size is not an indicator of intelligence so saying women are less or more smarter is stupid based on the above argument. Yes men and women react differently to people, circumstances and events but that is because of various reasons including their character, perception, societal and cultural influences etc ; there are men and women who make intelligent and unintelligent decisions based on various factors.

          • Freethinker- I have looked at the statistics and as ive mentioned im not in my home country now to post them, but I will and yes women do outnumber men grossly.
            In New York alone its 4:1 in Egypt its 6:1
            As for the UN, If you believe in the propaganda they spew then you might as well believe in the tooth fairy.
            Far be it for them to issue statements or statistics that would back hadeeth Rassoul Allah Mohammed pbuh or the signs of the last day or prove the truth of Islam.

            A small suggestion to a freethinker: When you look into sources think out of the box and ask your self if they have an agenda.
            The UN which you speak so highly about are the very same UN that ruled a sanction in the 50's against Israel for the atrocities committed against the Palestinians.
            50 years onwards and that sanction is yet to be applied.
            Whilst the very same body, the UN, have no problem ruling and administering sanctions against Muslims countries.
            You are referring to a highly intelligent body with an agenda, one that knows Islam so well and unfortunately far better than the muslims do.

            Hadiths btw, are not a collection of statements and sayings, thats like saying hadeeth is folklore which means what the Prophet has said is questionable.
            Sahih Bukhari is not hadeeth thaeef - it is hadeeth saheeh, it is very reliable and if you have qualms with that as a muslim then im sorry for you.

            The minor sighs of the day of judgement are mostly being seen and are happening, the ratio mentioned is referring to what will happen not what has happened during the Prophets time.
            I realise that such a ratio may sadden a great women (myself) included, it is gradually happening. I Submit to Allah knowing that as much as it maybe uncomfortable I wont allow my 'íntellect' or the fact that it pushes me out of my comfort zone to deny it. 🙂

            You reject it on the basis you claimed "This does not make it a valid suggestion now and since it does not come directly from the Quran I don't see why it has to be taken as the word of law."
            That to me shows me yet one more of the signs of the day of judgement :-
            *People will claim to follow the Qur'an but will reject hadith & sunnah (Abu Dawood)

            Iqra - the very first word taught to sayidna Mohammed pbuh, Dont deny yourself the salvation of reading the hadiths and sunnah. I am just beginning my journey.

            p.s. read what I wrote, I didnt claim that bigger sized brains in men made them more intelligent. I said the extra 10% in mass maybe a contributing factor relating to the fact that men have different processing centers (think of it as rooms if it makes it easier for you) one for emotion and one for logic. We women have one that does both. Its a theory and I would love to see a new breed of muslims, not idle frivolous decadent ones. But rather Muslims with ambition and a burning jealousy for their deen. Scientists that study both the Quran and science and prove the miracle that Allah has given us.

            Dr Keith Moore READ the quran and its description of embryology and went made public statements on the miracle of Quran.

            Which is much more than what we muslims do for our deen.

          • TYPO!

            *****I realise that such a ratio may sadden a great MANY women (myself) included, it is gradually happening. I Submit to Allah knowing that as much as it maybe uncomfortable I wont allow my 'íntellect' or the fact that it pushes me out of my comfort zone to deny it.***

  18. Salaam Alaikum Sisters and Brothers,

    I have known my husband since i was 17 years old we have been together since I was 18...

  19. When i wrote my previous post I didn't read the responses, i didn't have time. I simply wanted to respond to alaa2's problem regarding her marriage.

    Now that I have read the responses.
    I must say that i'm disturbed at how some ladies have hinted to a pregnant woman that one shouldn't bring a baby into their own perceived versions of a stable marriage.

    With all due respect, none have the right to dictate what is a stable marriage or suggest she dissolves hers, we have no right to discuss the precious life of her unborn child when she herself is NOT considering terminating the pregnancy. To say the least Im appalled that the word abortion was even suggested.

    Abortion is not just HARAM, sinful and murder.
    Abortion is unnatural and leaves many victims in its wake:-
    The obvious one is the baby, and 2nd and more the lingering victim is the mother.
    3rd are her family and her children especially when they end up with half a mother.
    Abortion amputates the soul and leaves a gaping wound that time will not heal.
    Its not as simple as what mainstream media sells, abortion is a million dollar industry and is never a solution except to severely handicapped babies and even then some mothers would want the ajer (good deeds) to raise such a child , but if they don't in islam i believe that is the ONLY time it is permissible.
    While the mother is under anesthesia, a very much awake and aware innocent baby is ripped to death limb by limb, and the massacre ground where this execution is taking place is inside its mother.
    A mother whos amputated instincts along with the murder of her baby will haunt her forever in the aftermath that follows.
    I know this only too well, and I caution any muslim woman to suggest to another muslim woman to such a Godless option.

    Allow me to remind you
    Waád albanat (female infantcide) was abolished with the arrival of the Prophet pbuh, otherwise many of us wouldnt be here today; why are we reinventing it a new form of waád via 'modern medicine' and so called 'choices.'
    Have you forgotten our deen? Unnecessary Murder of an insect is haram, how so for a precious human life, a life that ALLAH breathed his soul to exist. This baby has been preordained to exist, in between the Kaf and the Noun of **Kun fa yakoon** Be and it is (Allahs will) Take heed when dallying with matters of life and death , we are accountable to our words on the day of judgement. When these murdered souls ask "for what right was i killed" ?

    I'm certainly no counsellor and I have my fair share of problems, but neither is anyone here an islamic counsellor either, nor does anyone have right to allude let alone write the word abortion and suggest an end to the life that ALLAH has willingly created. No one has the right to put the idea of abortion into her head!!

    And even for arguments sake claiming that bringing a child into an unstable marriage is unfair.
    Who says her marriage is unstable.
    The only instability is her notion of 'love'
    Ill say it again


    Just because a few unfortunate people have suffered growing up in volatile environments at home and lay psychological blame on their warring parents, i'd like to remind you that many MANY children whom have been raised in balanced loving homes can ALSO be just as ill adjusted as those whom haven't had the same privilege.

    The only staple of a balanced household is an environment built around the teachings of Rassoul Allah Mohammed pbuh and aqeedat alQuraan. Therein lies the only and true stability.
    We take far too much into our own hands when Allah has simplified our duties taught us how to behave towards ourselves and others. After all alislam huwa al akhlaq - Islam is manners and our mannerisms.
    If Father, Mother , son and daughter treated each other with Allah as our watcher as our go between , instead of our tailor made perceptions, we would be far more satisfied and find happiness.

    It is easy to get caught up in a globalized world and thought trends, naturally one has to learn and study and improve, however our Islamic ideology and the clear cut teachings of how to treat others and ourselves whilst knowing which boundaries not to cross, is something that does not need improvement. Ilharamu bayin wa al halalu bayin (the forbidden is known and the permissible is known)

    Which leads me to comment on rainyday's comment to jk2009, the lady that said she cheated on her husband
    when she commented "The fact that you have strayed shows how painful the situation is and your spouse is not helping by being vindictive"
    Although her husband could be bad/wrong etc, he maybe a cause of her grief and has his own sins to answer to.
    Her choices are her own.
    So NO....The fact that she strayed has no bearing on her husband. It was her choice and her sin.

    If everyone were to sin or commit wrong then blame it on others then on the day of judgement, everyone would get off through these conjunctive loopholes.
    Allah would not be ALHAQ - the Justice would be lost!
    Its called free will and accountability.
    Even Ibless whom whispers to us to sin, will wash his hands of us when those of us who blame him for our own choices to which he WILL respond and say 'Tis not my fault. They're free will is the culprit of their sin is themselves and not i'

    By saying this to her , you are encouraging not just her, but countless other women reading this to find it 'ok' to lay blame and misbehave towards their own virtue and chastity.
    Weather a husband is behaving correctly or not (or vice a versa) marriage is a holy institution Allah referred to it in Quraan as METHAAQ QALEETH; - The hefty covenant (personal translation Allah knows best)
    None should dishonor the marriage or themselves by cheating. When people cheat they don't realise that they are actually cheating themselves on both counts. It is unacceptable.

    One should be weary of what is being said and read, knowing that careless reasoning could influence weak hearted people whom read and we are held accountable for what we say and whom we influence.

    jk2009, Obviously you are unhappy and inshallah Allah will solve your issues and restore the stability and happiness to your life for YOUR sake not just for the sake of your parents and baby.
    I wanted to draw to your attention that when you say "I knew I wanted a divorce and I wanted to ask for it by the end of this year, but before that I cheated on my husband (no ### though, which is not an excuse or anything) with another man and I got caught."

    I appreciate that you're not giving yourself excuses, but just remember that what Allah has covered for you, you must not reveal.
    Rassoul Allah said that one should not EYJAHER (openly reveal) ones sins or wrongdoings when
    Allah has given you siter (cover) and although your husband and mother know, which btw is a good thing so your family, including your husband understand the scope of your problem and help you heal your heart and mind and inshallah revert you back to Allah and our islamic way of piety.

    Back to the point that although you are mastoura (covered) here i.e. nameless, but your actions are very much uncovered and read by all.
    The reason i believe that Allah amar bilsitr:- Allah ordered to cover our sins and short comings from public (not family) Is so that other people are not influenced to do the same.
    There must be a wisdom in this reasoning and Allah knows best but one could probably assume that humans by nature copy one another and we as muslims must always set good examples to others. And you did when you said that you didnt give yourself excuses and i'm sure you now know it was wrong and you regret it.

    The beauty of our free will is the ability to repent and regret and LEARN from our own mistakes and others.
    Allah loves those of us whom repent our sins but even TAWBAH has rules.
    It must be tawbah nasouha - irrevocable regret whereby we truly repent and never redo that sin again.
    Those of us whom regret in such a way Allah takes great pride in us for he has said If we do not sin and repent he would replace us with new people who do sin and regret.
    Our learning curve that we should aspire to teach and be better examples towards each other and ourselves.

    Astaghfer Allah Alatheem
    May Allah forgive us and Allahuma Saley wasalim ala sayidna Mohammed wa alihi wasalim.

  20. Sister alaa2,
    It seems as though your husband is a good man and loves you very much. It also seems as though the marriage is faring well although you don’t feel love for him. If you have all the essential qualities that make a marriage successful (i.e. trust, loyalty, care, compassion, affection and mercy) do you feel that maybe attraction/passion is missing? That’s the vibe I’m getting from your post. If you don’t feel attracted to your partner, then all these qualities that make a marriage solid are also found in a close friend but what makes that relationship entirely different is the lack of attraction/passion (sexual attraction comes under this category also).

    So maybe this may the reason you don’t feel love for your husband. Is he someone that physically attracts you? I know that physicality isn’t everything but it is an important criterion as marriage comprises of: emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical needs.

    -Helping Sister

    • @ Helping sister

      Do you think that asking if she finds him unattractive is applicable AFTER the marriage?
      She hasn't mentioned being forced or coerced or being ambushed into this marriage to be shocked or suddenly be unattracted to him.
      She must have saw or met him before marriage and obviously found him attractive enough to agree to marry him.
      Why is it so hard to come to terms with a probability that she may have a problem with discontentment compounded with disillusionment due to her preconceived notions of love.

      • I submit to Allah,

        Some people prior to marriage look for numerous factors such as: family’s approval, financial stability, deen, etc. Yes, attraction is what initially draws people’s attention to one another but I’m talking about passion here. A lot of people after marriage may not feel passionate about their partner which includes feeling physically content. Now this may be either due to a traumatic event in early childhood, some form of physical or sexual abuse or just the inability to form a secure attachment style with one’s partner. Rather than bashing this woman and claiming that she has the perfect husband, why not try to dig to the root of the problem. Instead of telling her how ungrateful she is, why not ask her why she feels this way. It isn’t as if she woke up suddenly one day and realized that she doesn’t love him, there must be something (either consciously or unconsciously) that is driving her to think this way, especially if she had the discretion to choose her life partner and felt some attraction initially. In a nutshell, this problem has been building up for some time now and I can’t help but suggest that she should go for therapy to see the underlying reason as to why she’s feeling detached from her husband. Let’s be more empathetic towards people as we want to help this sister, not deter her from asking for further help, inshAllah.

        -Helping Sister

  21. Helping sister

    There are different versions of empathy, maybe mine is new to you..

    My mother told me & her mother before her told her "ilhareem azamaatn nadamaat" Women go forth then regret.
    I'm not talking about the women whom are in abusive marriages, these women have a right to want out for the obvious reasons and I would never encourage a woman to remain in an abusive marriage.
    However at the same time I would NEVER suggest to a woman to divorce out of a sound marriage.
    I suggest others be just as cautionary because Inna abqath ilhalal and Allah altallag; The most hated of Allah's halal is divorce.
    And not getting butterflies in your belly certainly is no reason to divorce

    As ive previously mentioned, I speak from viewpoint of closely witnessing many women ] go through this exact same phaise when their husbands failed to egnite passion in them.
    And I have seen the very same women live to regret their descisons when they loose the husband they once accused of being 'boring' when suddenly his stock rises when hes being passionately adored by another woman.
    The lack passion you speak about is called discontentment imho, Its so common in both genders and I highly doubt there is anying in her past or some psychological rift in her mind hindering her feelings, its simply discontentment and its one of the major reasons divorce is on the rise.

    I don't know how you got the notion that im bashing her, nor did I say her husband was perfect, on the contrary im pointing out that he by her own admittance he's a good man and here is the keypoint he TRIES HARD to make her happy, im saying its too high and foolish a price to pay for taking her spouse for granted.

    Im having the caring prescribed to me by my Deen to impart with what I hope are words of wisdom.

    Human nature is a complex thing, we like limited edition, we like brand new, we like name tags, we like to buy things we dont need, with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.

    Yes indeed and humans particularly like and crave for what we don't have.

    Decent husbands or wifes, ones who try hard at making their spouses happy, the un pretentious good hearted ones that don't play mind tricks, the ones that are open and readable...are for these very reasons taken for granted, because being that way somehow in many peoples minds equates to being boring.

    If a husband or wife doesnt keep the other on their toes they becomes predictable and therefore the passion you speak of is not there. Not because the 'chemistry' isnt right or theyre not compatible, no, its because hes too nice and maybe taken for granted.
    Another saying my mother taught me "ilgatu mayhib ila khanaga" The cat passionately loves its strangler.. Go figure.

    Professor Higgins nailed it when he address Iliza and said

    "It's all you'll get until you stop being a common idiot. If you're going to be a lady, you'll have to give up feeling neglected if the men you know don't spend half their time snivelling over you and the other half giving you black eyes. If you can't stand the coldness of my sort of life, and the strain of it, go back to the gutter. Oh, it's a fine life. It's real: it's warm: it's violent: you can feel it through the thickest skin: you can taste it and smell it without any training or any work. Not like Science and Literature and Classical Music and Philosophy and Art. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you? Very well: be off with you to the sort of people you like. Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money, and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd better get what you can appreciate.

    If this chap, her husband, would employ a different approach you just may hear her singing a different tone, if he enacted the law of scarcity, that would raise his stocks and value she may probably have a turn around and find the 'love'
    Now wouldnt it be sensible to just play it out in our minds instead of test drive other people lives and say Alhamdulillah for what we have.

    • I submit to Allah,

      Maybe our views of empathy are different, but that’s not the point.

      I never advised that this sister seek divorce so please be careful when coming to such drastic conclusions nor did I say that I believe in the ideology of “perfect” or “ideal” love. What I do believe however is that marriage consists of numerous criterion that enrich and stabilize it.

      You seem to jump to conclusions quite quickly and I find that unfair as you do not know this sister entirely to stamp a label of “ungrateful” on her. Yes, alhumdulillah she has a husband who is trying to make things work but at the same time is she able to accept that love? If not, what’s the reason for it? Is it something that has happened in the past, is her ideology of love distorted, or is it just that she isn’t able to feel love for her husband (yes, this is entirely possible because not everyone who showers us with love is the one we feel love for). Now, I’m not saying that this is right or wrong, this sister knows best what’s in her heart.

      I just want her to get to the core of her problem and do some soul searching. In this situation, I would not recommend divorce as she has a husband who is a gem of a person, mashAllah and Allah forbid if she does divorce him she may not find another like him. If she wasn’t coerced into this marriage and she has a husband who is able to fulfill her desires, then what is it that has resulted in this detachment?

      In addition, marriage is known as a positive stressor and she has only been married for 9 months now—I believe she should give herself some more time before making such a huge decision. Many people experience a sense of detachment in the initial time span of their marriage or face adjustment problems. The key here is to learn to adjust with one another; some people are successful doing that while others are not—which eventually leads to either, a successful marriage or a failed one. What we have to realize though, is that we cannot make people do things, they will do it themselves. So regardless of us advising her, if she truly feels like divorcing him she will, but I pray that she realizes that she has been blessed and appreciates her bounties. Marriage takes time to bloom for some people so it may be that after the birth of her child, her love for both her child and husband may increase: Allahu alaam.

      -Helping Sister

    • The above is a really strong rejoinder to the woman concerned especially the statement about going back to the gutter. How do you know she was in the gutter before marriage or will end up there if she walks away? That sounds really judgemental - again please consider empathy for the person who has written with their issues.
      Abortion is wrong, but worse than that is to bring an innocent being into existence and destroy their capacity to love and be loved for life. Life is hard even with stable families and supportive parents, imagine how much worse it will be if these are not provided to the child; children grow up without positive role models to learn and emulate from. Remember Charity begins at home!

      • Freethinker,

        I did not say that this sister lived her life in a gutter before her husband nor did I imply that. What I did imply however is that it is hard in today’s world to find someone who is so loving and willing to make a marriage work. I only suggested that this sister do a cost benefit analysis here and weigh the good and bad before making any decision. It may be that she divorces her husband but then later realizes that she did feel love for him and just needed time for it to bloom, or it may be that she feels relieved. Whatever the case may be, divorce is highly disliked in Allah swt’s eyes and it should be the last resort. I believe she should take some more time before making any drastic decision.

        -Helping Sister

      • lol freethinker

        The excerpt is part of a play named Pygmalion, more commonly known is its adaptation My fair lady. The gutter was part of the repertoire it does NOT refer to anyone going to the gutter.
        You missed the point, the excerpt was used as an example and was addressing women's inclinations to a want of a more 'romantic' love rather than the practicality of reality.

        You commented :-
        "Abortion is wrong, but worse than that is to bring an innocent being into existence and destroy their capacity to love and be loved for life. "

        Let me get this straight...You are saying that abortion is wrong but its a best of the worst choices and should be considered an option instead of bringing a baby into existence which in your opinion will be an existence void of capacity to love because of its parents instability?
        So you would rather have a child executed whilst in its mothers womb, because it MAY not feel love if it lives?
        That sort of gives a new and sinister meaning to" die for love" *shudder*

        Correct me if i'm wrong but the reason we exist is to worship Allah as muslims.
        The people of Jannah wish to return to life to worship more so they can go higher in afterlife and theyre in jannah!
        Her baby has a right to worship Allah and you know what her baby has its right to help mankind to spread Islam, for all we know her baby could be the scientist that finds a cure for cancer!

        About not bringing the baby into existance: You couldnt be more wrong because the baby already exists! At the moment of conception it exists, 4 gestational weeks later it has a beating heart. Not you nor I nor anyone has the right to end a life that Allah ordained.
        I would appreciate it if you wouldnt allude to abortion as an option because its undeniably HARAM period

        Lastly what your claiming that the child may not have the capacity to love due to warring parents is hear say.
        There are many decent human beings whom are orphans, many whom have been neglected grown up to make sure theyre own children dont go through what they have and they treat their wives with the upmost compassion and respect.
        On the flip side there are loads of humans that have been raised in balanced households yet that hasnt saved them from ending up with thwarted personalities.

        Rizg - be it health, wealth, love and whatnot is what we can hope for , but don't forget that Allah has described the distribution of rizg

        *And there is not a beast in the earth but the sustenance thereof dependeth on Allah. He knoweth its habitation and its repository. All is in a clear record. - Surah Huud.

  22. I Submit to Allah,

    Sometimes, the answer is more simple...sometimes people simply do not connect. It is no fault of hers that she does not 'feel' love. I know the arranged marriage culture says that people grow to love one another and I believe that is true in most cases. However, I also know from my own experiences that you cannot force yourself to love someone. I've let go of a wonderful guy and potential husband in the past because I did not feel more than friendship with him. No matter what, a marriage is supposed to be an intimate situation between a husband and wife...willed by the Creator and made especially for the sanctity of marriage. If you cannot even feel intimate or loving towards your mate...what is the point of marriage? I know raising children, etc is all a part of it, but one must have that husband wife bond in order to get through the trials and tribulations of life. You need that emotional connection to face life together.

    • Its all nice when said but some people are not and may never be ready to receive.
      Which is one dimensional and plain sad.

  23. I am closing this post to further comments as the sister has received a lot of good advice MashaAllah. JazakAllah khair to those of you who offered excellent advice to the sister. There are however newer posts which have been published.

    Sara Editor