Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is Talking To My Best Friend Wrong?

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Can we stay friends?

assalam o alaikum!

My problem may sound trivial to many people but it has been eating out at me for so long that I'm totally confused at this moment. I have been socially awkward since I was a kid. After graduating from school I came across a site and made some friends through the internet. These friends were both boys and girls, some of my age and some younger. They never really kept in contact much. And I was left with one boy that was 3 years younger than I was. We had a lot of things in common and were both socially awkward. He is a non-Muslim yet he is one of the few I've seen that have spoken greatly of Islam (not knowing at that time that I was a Muslim) and now we are still friends even after 4 years. And over the years we've built up eachother's self-esteem. (And NO this is not a love story) His family is catholic and he fears to convert while living under their rules.

We are not and have never thought of being in a relationship.  Yes, my parents know. They were ok with it and have told me not to go overboard and I understand that. (I've been brought up in an Islamic atmosphere and my parents didn't this take friendship too well in the beginning) They've been present in our Skype calls and have monitored our chats.  Over the time he has become one of my closest friends.

But of course he is a non-mahram. Am I not allowed to speak with him? I would be mortified if I had to cut all my ties with him. But I would never want to upset Allah...I've prayed to Him so many times..I don't want our friendship to end. Any advice on how i should proceed from now on? >_< Jazakallah khair!

Ashitaka


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8 Responses »

  1. OP: His family is catholic and he fears to convert while living under their rules.....We are not and have never thought of being in a relationship.

    How old is your friend? Do you live in the same city?
    You say "I would be mortified if I had to cut all my ties with him". That shows you are INTERESTED in him.
    Would you marry him if he converts to Islam?

  2. AsSalaamu 'alaikum dear sister,

    Honestly, I wished there was a way for you to continue talking to your best friend as long as you are not in a love relationship, but unfortunately Islam is very keen to protecting us, lest we fall into mistakes and regrets. As we are certain that we do not have any bad intention, there is also the other enemy (i.e. Shaitan) around the corner trying to mislead us gradually through beautifying things for us, till when we are closer to the hole of delusion, he does only little to push us to fall in it.

    I'd advise you, my dear sister, to trust that Allah's rules are the best for us, and that He Knows best, and we do not know. It doesn't necessarily have to mean that your friend might be bad, but you also can't tell what the future holds--and as they say prevention is better than cure.

    You may want your parents to explain to your friend about the Islamic rules. And they may also guide him to find muslim male friends to associate with them, inshaAllah. As you may also try to find muslim female friends to associate with, inshaAllah.

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala replace his place with something better for you. Ameen.

    Please see below a situation similar to your situation.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Question:

    I am a young woman from a very well-known family. All my life I have been religiously committed and of good character, as all will attest, but I do not know what is the reason that caused me to get to know a young man. I wanted to help him because he had suffered the calamity of his father’s death, and he is responsible for his siblings and his mother, but he went down the path of keeping COMPANY with bad people. I advised him and I felt it was my duty to stand beside him and advise him sincerely. Eventually he returned to his studies and gave up those bad friends, and he changed completely. His mother asked him the reason, and he told her. She spoke to me and thanked me for being patient with her son. One day he came for a visit to see me, and I did not know why I did not hesitate. I went to see him, and I felt as if he was my brother. We spent some time together and what happened happened, unfortunately. Now he wants to come and propose marriage to me, but it is impossible. He is three years younger than me, and he is not of the same nationality as me. Now I am pregnant and I want Allaah to conceal my sin and I want to repent. I know that I have done wrong, and you will criticize me severely, but I want to repent and I want a solution.

    Answer:

    Praise be to Allaah.
    Firstly:

    Perhaps your letter will be a lesson to those who claim that a relationship between a man and a non-mahram woman can be “innocent”, and to those who claim that such relationships are Islamically acceptable if they are for the purpose of giving advice, and to those who want to “water down” the religion to allow relationships between men and women in the name of modernity, and claim that there is no reason why this should not be done, and that woman are able to control themselves… and other such foolish justifications.

    It is a lesson for all those who are heedless of the laws of Allaah and pay no attention to the warning of our Lord, may He blessed and exalted, against following in the footsteps of the shaytaan, and they continue to take these matters lightly until they find themselves in deep trouble. You were heedless with regard to this young man and you went ahead and spoke with him and advised him, then you agreed to RECEIVE him in your house, then you agreed to be alone with him, then the Shaytaan made attractive to you the idea that he was like your brother, then what? Then you committed zina in the same meeting and in your house, with one whom the shaytaan made you think was like your brother! Which was the first step of the shaytaan? It was speaking to this non-mahram man, then the other steps of the shaytaan came one after another until you committed this most abhorrent of sins. Hence we can see the wisdom in the words of Allaah, may He be exalted (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Faahishah (i.e. anything that transgresses its limits: a great sin), and an evil way (that leads one to hell unless Allaah Forgives him)”

    [al-Isra’ 17:32]

    Allaah did not only forbid zina itself, rather He forbade coming near to it. The aim here is to forbid the things that lead to it. We ask Allaah to conceal your sin and to forgive you, and to help you to repent sincerely.

    http://islamqa.info/en/60269

  3. I'd strongly advise you to listen the previous answers. I know it's hard when you're socially awkward, but are there any Islamic conferences or events near your home? Are there any classes for women in your closest masjid? Is there a women's side? These are great places to meet likeminded Muslim sisters (ones your age too). It depends on where you live most of the time. The guy may seem like a good friend, and you might have good intentions. but since he's a non-Muslim, you can't know for sure what his intentions are.

    Oh, and you could always take a class like in cooking, writing, painting, or yoga (as long as yoga's all female of course) and more.

    There are plenty of Muslim women out there with good hearts who are loyal, kind, truthful, and everything else you'd want in a friend.

    Ask Allah for help and support and take initiative.

    This may not seem like the easiest advice, but it's worth a try. If you feel a bit jittery, ask your mom or a sister to come for support.

    May Allah forgive all of us and grant us Jannah.

    Ameen.

  4. I also have this question. I have a friend who is male who I have known for about 12 years. Should I stop this friendship as well. He also has helped me financially like a brother, but then I realized that it can create an unhealthy dependence and also although I see him as a brother we never know what the other person feels even if they say they only feel as a brother and nothing else. He also is Non Muslim. Should I end the friendship as well?

    • Merva: I have a friend who is male who I have known for about 12 years. Should I stop this friendship as well.

      In my opinion if nothing happened for 12 years, I doubt some thing may happen now.
      Do you enjoy spending time with him alone? Does he compliment you about your looks?

    • but then I realized that it can create an unhealthy dependence

      I think you should think about what you realized--realizations are signals.

  5. No it is just like a brother and sister relationship. I was a foster child and so he adopted me in a way like a sister.

    • OP: He also has helped me financially like a brother, but then I realized that it can create an unhealthy dependence and also although I see him as a brother we never know what the other person feels even if they say they only feel as a brother and nothing else.

      You can stop unhealthy dependence without breaking up your friendship/relationship with him since you see each other like a brother and sister.

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