Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can Istikhaarah be done after Nikah has been done?

 

English Translation of the Dua for Istikhaarah

English Translation of the Dua for Istikhaarah

I and my spouse has entered into relationship through Nikkah.

Rukhsati, wedding has yet to be awaited. My spouse is now not agreeing for Rukhsatti for the reason that she said she has performed Istikhara after Nikkah and that (Nikkah) turned to be against marriage (wedding).

Please guide can one perform istikhara after Nikah or not?

~ sayyarkhan

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16 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I understand that in your culture, a nikkah is done before a formal wedding (rukhsati) where guests attend and everything is celebrated. Just to help you out, the nikkah itself is the wedding, it is the exchange of pledges and it is the beginning of your marriage. The rukhsati is equivalent to a walimah, which is a celebration done AFTER the nikkah to announce the marriage and enjoy the new union in a special way. The walima does not make the marriage, nor does the absence of one break it.

    In your case, you had your nikkah. You are now married. Whether or not you have the rukhsati/walimah makes no difference at this point, if you or your wife do not want to be in the marriage the only way to end it is by divorce.

    Generally speaking, it's best to do istikhara before a nikkah so these complications should be avoided. I tend to wonder if your wife did istikhara after the nikkah because she saw something that had her second guessing if she should be with you. The right of divorce is always there, so if she wants to request divorce because she feels she made a mistake, she can. However, I think the wisest thing to do on her part would be to give it some time of you and she being married, to see how it goes. It may be that she was just having nerves, or it may be that she saw something that would lead to bigger problems...which time would make more clear to both of you.

    I think the best thing you can do is talk to your wife, and find out what is causing her to second guess things. Ask her why she felt the need to do an istikhara after the fact, and see if you both can work out any concerns by communicating openly. As far as the rukhsati goes, I tend to think that if she cancels it, your family and her family will both have some issues with that...but in the end she would still be married to you even still.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamualaikum,

    i have a related question, if a girl was forced into a relationship(engagement) by her parents and they have given the boys parents their word and the girl is not content by their decision and decides to do istikharah, is that istikharah valid? her parents say that they asked someone to do istikharah before the engagement (without the girls knowledge or consent) and it was fine. which istikhara would be considered valid here? girl is unable to have an inclination towards the boy even after the istikhara.

    • Salaams,

      You are referring to istikhara in a way that makes it akin to fortune telling, which it is not. If a girl is forced into an engagement, in my opinion there's no need to do istikhara if she's already certain she does NOT want to marry the guy she's being forced toward. Istikhara is not some magical formula that is meant to over-ride our free will and Islamic rights. Forced marriage is haraam in Islam, so if a particular girl is being forced into something she doesn't want, NO ONE ELSE'S "istikhara" matters. She has the right to refuse to marry that person. Period.

      Istikhara is meant to guide us in a matter when we are confused. It's something that we should make ourselves, on matters that we are not certain about. It's not meant to be done by third parties outside of the awareness of the one being involved in the decision. That's not the way it works. Like I said, for a girl's parents to treat it that way, and then say what they did trumps her free choice to marry whom she wants given directly by Allah, that's not istikhara but witchcraft. Astaghfirullah.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Her parents are not listening to her and are saying things like if you go against your parents will you will be deprived of our blessings and you will be going against Allah's will (since istikhara was done previously by someone else). That's why she's going for istikhara. what should she do? she has been engaged for a year and a half now and clearly there hasn't been any sort of inclination or feelings towards the guy.

        • Salaams,

          Her parents are trying to blackmail her emotionally. What they are saying, that she will not be blessed by Allah for going against THEM, is simply not true. They are the ones that are going against Allah by trying to force her into a marriage, so to disobey a parent who is sinning or asking their child to sin is not wrong or subject to punishment. The bottom line is still the same, if she doesn't want to marry the guy she doesn't have to...no matter what her parents say.

          I would add that if she feels her parents will threaten her safety because she refuses to submit to them, she should leave and find some other relatives or a safer place to stay.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Amy is correct. From an Islamic perspective, the Nikah is the wedding. You are married. Rukhsati has no bearing on the legality of the marriage.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Asalam waliykum,

    She can do istikhara but you guys are still married!

    Nikkah is the wedding its the contract and after that you are permissible for one another.

    In the sunnah the Walima is performed after consumation of the marriage i.e after your first night togther and that should happen accroding to sunnah 1-3 days after nikkan and tehn a walima celebrates you are proper couple as you consumated the marriage that is the sunnah.

    But if she no longer wants to be your wife she must seek aulment or you can give her a divource. if you have not been intimate then the process is a lot easier. if you consumated the marriage then you are a proper man and wife.

    But the walima signifys you consumated the marriage its not the marriage itself.
    hope that clears it up

    • Salaam

      So I can do Istikhaarah even if I have nikaah? I want to do Istikhaarah for the man I have nikaah with, will I still be able to get results?

  5. Salaam
    In the name of Allah the most beneficial and merciful.

    I seek guidance on a very very difficult time I am facing with my husband and which is similiar to the posts above
    I have been married to my husband since January 2012 . I met my husband in 2011 April we met for the purpose of marriage .
    We both after meeting each other several times decided to inform family in October time our families met and very quickly arrangements were made for nikkah to be done. I always advised my husband that I refused to enter into any harram before marriage . My Mother however had bad feelings about my husband and many of times asked me to not proceed . Yet I did .
    The nikkah was performed in January with the expectation that the walima would follow in June July . I was happy with this as firstly saved me from sin and also my husband seemed a genuine honest caring man.
    After a few weeks I began to get extremely strong feelings that something was wrong . I looked towards Allah for guidance that Allah if there is something please show me in black and white .
    My husband in the interim seemed to be struggling to commiting himself he would regularly go out with his friends or rush to be with them I found this odd as we were just married and I was living and working away and he had ample opportunity to be with me as his new wife .
    However I stayed patient and thought let him go through the transition.
    After weeks of prayers I went to his home and found a phone .. One which I now know was a second phone ! Wala brother what I found in that phone was harrendous . My husband in 2011 whilst getting to know me was commiting fornication with several women . I called these women and met with them to confirm this they were over 10 women he was contacting just for sex. There were various explicit messages within the phone and meet up arrangements !! I was in shock that I had been decieved so much ! I confronted my husband he always harped on about trust but he had been doing this right up until the day of our nikkah in fact a few days before .
    What was odd is that most of the women said he stopped after January I.e after the nikkah
    My husband admitted his wrongs .. I left him for time to reflect during this time he begged and cried but it seemed this only lasted a few weeks he then became angry and forceful saying that I'm stopping him from going out or living his life as I said he needs to repent and focus on Islam. He has started praying since the day I found out but his attitude is still arrogant and I feel he still wants to control what he does ie his way. The dilemma I'm facing is that my husband convinced me that this was his downfall he thought it was ok to do this before the nikkah . I'm firstly finding it hard to swallow that this man was commiting zina without no fear of Allah and second whilst he was proposing marriage to me and coming to my home . I later find out more revelations that after the nikkah he commited adultery over the phone with a woman . He not only lied to me again but decieved our marriage . I have also found out that he invited a woman to our nikkah whom he commited zina with and one of the women was his best frievds sister . It seems this man has a problem and there were just no limits for him.
    He has since he says repented and sought guidance from Allah he has started praying and goes out little but still reminds me he's restricted .
    The dilemma I'm facing is that we are now arguing all the time I have lost total trust in him and have little respect left the things he done with those women were extreme yet they were all older than him divorcees or in their mid 40 he admitted he targeted these women as they were easy . I feel he has poisened my bed I get flashbacks !
    Our walima and ruksati are on hold we are now on a break I found this out in march we have tried to work it out but he says I'm constantly questioning him where he is which I do .
    We have been on a break for 4 weeks now and I am still in a state of dissarray whether to stay or divorce this man . My family and friends are strongly suggesting I seek divorce my parents say if I go back to him I will lose their support . I have been praying istahara but very confused about the signs . I surprisingly still love him and would like it to work but I feel that's just love holding on and I'm scared of divorce . I feel he will say come live with me without the ruksati or walima I feel this will be a big shame on me and my family .

    I am totally at loss at what I should do. He has even been down to apologise to my father but instead annoyed him with his arrogant attitude . I do see he is remorseful but I fear him hurting me again and he has betrayed me in many ways already .. I have had a few dreams that we're not good but other dreams I have pushed him to a Talaaq .
    Please give me guidance as to whether it would be wise to continue with this marriage or go ahead with living with him at the detriment of my respect . And whether I should live with him without a ruksati or walima .
    Jazak Allah

    • Samiya, please log in and write your question as a separate post. I will delete your comment later, so you have a chance to copy it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Sallam

    I have copied it brother , I feel there is some important details I have missed I will also add these .

    Jazakallah .

  7. Salaam

    Brother how can I follow my post I actually now believe my husband has an addiction to zina is this possible?

    Samiya

  8. Assalamualaikum,

    I got Nikahed 2 months ago and my husband is a good muslim and a good person and thats why I married him. I didn't have any feelings for him nor was I attracted to him and I thought after Nikah we will have 4 months until the ruksati and then we will like each other. But now we are 2 months in and my heart feels heavy at the sight of him, when i hear his voice, when he calls me, when he is nice to me. Nothing he does appeases my heart and i can't eat or sleep and i keep thinking that i will have a better future if i left him and that i have no strength or will power to carry this marriage forward just based on the fact that he is a good person. I am saddened to say that i didn't do isthiqara frequently before the wedding and I rushed into it and now I am doing isthqara. My heart still feels heavy at the sight of and I keep feeling that i want to divorce him, My rukhsati is in 2 months and time is running out and now i need to make a decision. Its a big risk to stay with hoping for love in the future. I need advice please help.

    JazakhAllah Khair

    • Divorce him now, especially since you have not consummated the marriage yet. You will be doing him a kindness in the long run. He deserves to find someone who will genuinely care for him.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Salaam

    I have nikaah but I haven't done the wedding ceremony with my fiance yet and I'm not sure if I want to be with him. It is complicated because he is my stepmother's nephew, and we often have arguments that concern or involve her. I'm not sure if I am not mature enough to understand his motives or feelings towards me but my sisters are telling me to leave him. We are far away from each other so it is like a long distance relationship. When I am out and not near my phone or social media I don't care for him but when I am bored I talk to him so I'm not sure if I have feeling for him or not. Also he tends to threaten to leave me and divorce me often but because of social status I am scared he will leave. This engagement was planned by my step Mom and father, I originally wanted to get engage to another man but my family refused and I ended up with my current fiance. What I want to know is can I still do Istikhaarah? I don't know what else I can do honestly.

  10. I am in Nikah with my cusion since past 11 years. at that time i was only 17 years old. during those days i heared that he is not ready for this nikkah and only doing this for his family but he did not say anything to me and said he is totaly Ok with it. but after that he did not contact me for 7 years nor i did, during this time i totally got fed up with this relationship although i did not even think about anyone else in my life.. i studied till M.phil. and he did not studied. After 7 years he called and showed his care about this relation and he said he is ready to be with me as i like i showed my angernes and said not to call me again. Now my marriage is decided in October but my mind is not ready to accept this relationship but heart is 50/50. As now i feel he is less educated and we would not be able to creat understanding with each other he is a smoker too and i do nt like smokers. And i really do not know his opinion about me obviosly he has his own priorties. I am realy confuse what to do. Sould i do istkhara at this stage? either to refuse this marriage or to continue? it is realy a confusing stiuation. kindly guid me with some best advise.

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