Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Living as a second wife

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Asalamualaikum to u all.

My apologies for the long message but I need help.

I am a reverted Muslim.I became Muslim few years before I met my husband, I had an amazing job but was very demanding. Before I became Muslim my life was upside down. I was literally someone bad. When i reverted I became totally different Alhamdulilah.

My husband is 15years older than me. It was a love marriage and he met my father to express him willingness to take me as his wife despite knowing my whole past. He is married with 5 kids and told me his situation at home is not well and he wants happiness and find love.

We eventually got married and we have one daughter. Since the first week we got married he told me he is busy with his boss (as his work was tough at that time) then his mother is sick, then his brother is coming to his parents house.... This went on and on.

In 3 years he spent only 5 nights with us. I kept quiet but I couldn't anymore. He says he is doing according to what Islam says and he doesn't need to spend nights with us. He is living with his mother, his first wife and kids.

When he comes to us its always 45mins to one hour then my boss needs me. Now I opened the subject and he blamed so much In front of my father. She doesn't know how to cook, i can't sleep here cause am used to my old bed and bla bla.

I felt belittle and hurt too much. I love him but I think it not going to work. I prayed and had patience too. And my daughter is growing almost without a father.

I called a  centre and they said talk and if not go to court. I don't want to force him to come and see us but this is my right ? Or no? He says u should be thankful and grateful.

Am seriously thinking to divorce him as I feel I have a provider but not a husband.



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12 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,

    Asalama 3aleykum,

    Is your husband supporting you financially ? And does his family know about you?
    Did you agree before marriage that he would only be visiting you the way he does?

    • Walaikumasalam sister
      Yes financially I have everything
      His mother , father and one if his brother knows about us
      No he never informed me that I will be kept this way

  2. Salaam sister....may Allah protect your iman. That's the most valuable gift given to you...This world is indeed a TEST for everyone and more for a true believer...This man is not a real man...i ? His faith.!!!ISLAM is a way of life simple and straight and love and honesty humbleness make him a man who really fears Allah and the day of Judgement..Never worry life is too short..protect yourself and child and be attach to a Sunni mosque. GET INVOLVE IN THE activities and with women's who are practicing and motivated.There is a book you can refer is an app you can get is called heavenly ornuments or bahisti Zewar. .It's a book of correct sound Islamic laws and advice.Today in life the Muslims are so weak.The love for world and success has came before faith...Allah does not guide the blind...listen to what the scholars says..That success in both of the worlds is only obeying the COMMANDMENTS of Allah through the example of our beloved prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.Whosoever disobeys Allah will never find peace tranquility success love blessed we're ever he be!.those who disobey the orders of Allah will get there hard life in this world regardless how intelligent or successful he thinks he is..He will be cursed and a failure in both of worlds..So use wisdom sister. Never feel down by others...My wife is a Sunni scholar and if you need advice my email is *****. MAY ALLAH MAKE IT EASY 4 YOU.Please only trust that those who are learned in Islamic knowledge..There are to many wanna be imams .That's why there is so much problems.

    • Brother Raul, thanks for your contributions on this website, but please do not post your email address as we do not allow it. Jazak Allah khayr.

      Wael Editor

    • Brother Raul
      Thank you for your reply.
      I have started reading it and Alhamdulilah its helping me
      Keep us in your duas

  3. Hello ..
    Sister as far i know ppl like this are just crazy he already has 5 kids and he just got married for your beauty thats all as per islamic law he should be with you alternate days but he in 3 years just 5 times yhis is rediculous.. And he is very older than you .. U should better move on and find some one else on your way if you are a christian before better start practising to go to church u wil feel betttter
    .. May the lord bless you ..

  4. Assalamu alaikum sister
    No don't lose your iman because of this it is really important. There is no might except with Allah. He can change your situation every second just have patience. Patience, dua and don't leave your salah.
    Oh you who are patient. Bear a little more, just a little more remains.-Ibn al-Qayyim

  5. Sister,

    This man is a horrible person and a horrible muslim. He is WRONG. He is Islamically BOUND to treat BOTH wives exactly equally in EVERY way.
    He is a horrible husband AND sadly a horrible, absent father.Unjust and pathetically weak and selfish husbands like him will have a special place in hell InshaAllah.
    It also was wrong of you to marry an already married man. You should've atleast went to his first wife and tried to understand what type of a husband and father he is.
    If he has not changed in so many years, he will not change now. I suggest you give him an ultimatum, and if still he doesnt change his pathetic ways and gives you and your daughter what you deserve, you should leave him.

    • Asalamualaikum Maha
      Yes you are right. He told me why to meet his first wife, and if I have any question to ask him.
      I trusted his words and actions at that time.
      I will not give him any ultimatum, I have my own limit and I have planned when to leave.

  6. Salam,

    You may not be able to force him to spend more time with you. You can discuss divorce with him and how it's not working out for you. Just be prepared if he's willing to let the relationship go as well.

    • Walaikumasalam
      I did try to discuss divorce as it was one of our topic before the wedding. He said no divorce as he said there should be other Islamic ways to deal with this.don't ask me what cause he never replied to that.
      I don't force him anymore cause I realised this suffering we ate going because if him,he will have to reply to Allah.
      Yes mentally I am ready so inshallah soon something better

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